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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask for other solutions to my in laws up-sizing problem

236 replies

LoHicimosAmigos · 27/02/2022 09:07

Just wondering if there was something I hadn't thought of. My mother in law is not in a good place right now, signed off work with depression, saying that she doesn't see the point in living anymore. I'm trying to help her from a practical point of view. She also speaks to me about it as everyone else shuts any discussion of emotions down.
Lots of her depression stems from their house. She LOATHES her neighbours, hates the area and it's too small. Adult sons still live it home so that's four adults in a two bed. Parking is a nightmare. She works just round the corner but hates her job, yet she needs to work and can't drive so says it's the only job she can do. The boys fight constantly, partly because they're men in their thirties who still have to share a room.
What she thinks will solve the problem is buying a three bed house. So a room for both sons. However selling a two bed will not buy you a three bed in the same area without getting a mortgage which they don't want and at sixty plus I can see why.

The only options I can see are that she considers buying a three bed in another area, further from work and therefore finds a new job. Or she tells the sons she is giving them until this date to move out and she can buy a lovely two or one bed in the area of her choice, maybe give up work and have a better standard of life.
I think this is a much better idea. She refuses to 'kick them out' but everyone would be happier. One son has given up work altogether as he only needs money for the odd take away. The other is saving but also has a brand new car. I think they need independence, the whole house is so full of tension and depression as if this is not how any of them imagined life. They all love each other but need some space.
I'd love to know if there are any government schemes, initiatives etc to help older people buy a bigger house or help children to move out but keep a share of the capital or something similar.

OP posts:
NorthSouthcatlady · 27/02/2022 13:35

@MichelleScarn yep, l remember that. Poster claimed it was a “friend” but l wasn’t combined

I just read the update about shopping at Waitrose. But the government should be bailing them out of their laziness and shit choices

JudgeJ · 27/02/2022 13:40

@SalsaLove

It’s not up to the government to sort out her sons taking advantage of her.
Exactly, why should I as a tax payer subsidise her bone-idle skiver and the ueber-entitled Lewis-would-be sons? She chooses to let them take advantage of her but they're not going to take advantage of me!
MrsLargeEmbodied · 27/02/2022 13:44

my bil never left home, he felt a duty of care to his widowed mother

JudgeJ · 27/02/2022 13:45

@LoHicimosAmigos

Also in defence of my BiL's, they have had no help in anyway with money to move out. Most people of my generation have had some help with deposits as we are the third generations of home buyers. That makes a big difference! My in laws are the first generation, meaning they didn't inherit a substantial amount whilst already being homeowners, which could then be passed to their children. Im not saying all get this but a lot do.
So not only do they have the comfort of a doormat for a mother but you're now making excuses for them!
CadburyCazza · 27/02/2022 13:47

@fairylightsandwaxmelts

She doesn't need a bigger house, she needs to kick her sons out Hmm
This a million times over
saraclara · 27/02/2022 13:49

I assume that neither man expects or wants to have a relationship then? Because bringing anyone back to the house where they share a bedroom with their brother is going to see off any chance of one.

OP you still haven't said anything about the fourth person in that house. What's their attitude to all this, and to (presumably) their spouse/partner's mental health and needs?

coatofsomanycolours · 27/02/2022 13:55

I just can't imagine telling anyone to go and get a job. Maybe it's because I work in social care but there are so many factors as to why this might not be an easy thing to do

I have adult sons. Both have learning difficulties and other health issues. One is able to work and one isn't. Regardless of their problems they are both in their 30s and both need as much independence as possible, like others their age. It was very difficult to live together because of everyone's contrasting needs. The son with autism who needs our support on a daily basis lives in an annex to our house. We built it over about three years when money allowed, and now he can do his own thing but we are there to support him in that, make his meals etc. The other son lives in a room above a pub and is able to pay for that with what work he can do. Yes he still has problems coping with day to day things, got himself in difficult situations, and we help him with that. But it is so important for him to have that independence like others his age. And actually allow the rest of us in the family to have our independence too. So as both of these sons have major issues to cope with, and yet with support manage, I do not understand why your BILS cannot also. I should say we are not in a position to help them financially but we have all managed to get them as much freedom and independence as is possible for them.

SpidersAreShitheads · 27/02/2022 13:55

Obviously the best and easiest solution would be for the blokes to move out, or at the very least just one of them. Obviously.

That’s been said a million times on this thread. But maybe for a complicated jumble of reasons it’s not going to happen. Maybe MIL secretly likes still having them both there?

If they’re not going to be asked to move out something needs to change.

How about a loft conversion? Or a cabin in the garden for one to sleep (with heating and electricity)? Latter option wouldn’t be that expensive and would provide breathing room.

I’m not defending the decision for them to live at home but sometimes people aren’t able to consider what seems like the sensible option. Loft conversion or cabin might make things more tolerable.

me4real · 27/02/2022 14:14

OP you still haven't said anything about the fourth person in that house. What's their attitude to all this, and to (presumably) their spouse/partner's mental health and needs?

@saraclara That's a good point. I ha forgotten that, as the rest of all the posts have been written as if it's just the MiL and sons.

AnneElliott · 27/02/2022 14:20

What's FILS view on all this? Or does he rely on MILs money as well?

whynotwhatknot · 27/02/2022 14:22

Her depression is because of her sons

cant atleast the one who is workng move out-having a bigger house is not going to solve the problem

GoogleWhacked · 27/02/2022 14:27

@MrsLargeEmbodied

my bil never left home, he felt a duty of care to his widowed mother
Did his duty of care include refusing to work & spending his govt-sponsored money on takeaways, like OP bil?
PrincessNutella · 27/02/2022 14:27

Somebody in that family has to start doing something. I would suggest start going to counseling.

LoHicimosAmigos · 27/02/2022 14:34

They don't claim benefits, they don't want to claim benefits. I don't know where this came from.

OP posts:
LoHicimosAmigos · 27/02/2022 14:36

My BiL earns his take away money doing odd jobs for family, he usually won't accept the money so I give it to him in an envelope and then run away.

OP posts:
LoHicimosAmigos · 27/02/2022 14:37

FiL works full time but is very passive about the whole thing and in poor health.

OP posts:
Tiddlesthecat · 27/02/2022 14:41

I'm not going to jump in with starting by telling her to kick her son's out. If both are still living at home in their thirties and prepared to share a bedroom, then there are clearly other issues at play. I don't believe that people are just lazy layabouts. Usually they are unmotivated/struggling and have mental health issues. The family all seem very intertwined and their mental health issues are almost certainly impacting upon each other. Sometimes incremental smaller steps are required rather than trying something more drastic. Could the sons/mil get a small loan to buy a 'garden pod' and have a spare room in there? Moving house costs a lot of money anyway, not to mention an increased mortgage. If she moves at a later date she could take it with her or leave it behind to form part of the sale of her house. An extra bedroom/more space may then lift the mood all round and help her son's to start to make changes themselves. If not, then she needs to give them a timescale for moving out. I think that she also needs to be doing something to address her mental health such as yoga/swimming/walking along with medication and weekends away or regular breaks/changes of scenery. She can't change everything at once and that's never a good idea when you are depressed anyway. So address the bedroom situation first if that's an option re a pod or one of them moving out and she needs to work on her mental health. She should probably keep her job for now, despite not liking it. Then she should consider if she still wishes to move areas and then see what alternative jobs are available.

catndogslife · 27/02/2022 14:50

OP it would be very difficult for someone aged 60+ with a history of depression to find a new job. It is more likely that your MIL would be offered some sort of early retirement package if she is eligible.
There is no guarantee that moving to a bigger house and taking on more debt would solve the many problems here either.
The sons moving out would reduce some of the burdens on her, but it may not help much if she is then very lonely. Could she manage to live on her own or not?
Most of the statements you have listed on here (apart from adult sons living at home) would suggest serious MH problems to me.

LimeSupper · 27/02/2022 14:50

Just to add it’s not only men that find themselves in this situation. My adult sister in her late 30s is living off my parents and cannot/ will not hold a job further than the first time she’s told off/ someone speaks to her in a way she seems rude. She’s totally incapable of behaving like an adult, very snobby and awful about other people and quite toxic generally. She takes out huge loans, buys expensive things and my parents don’t want to see her on the streets to always bail her out. I imagine she’ll just take our parents house eventually too as she’ll claim it’s hers as she’s resident. Honestly it’s ridiculous.

BigHairyCoconut · 27/02/2022 15:05

@LoHicimosAmigos

My BiL earns his take away money doing odd jobs for family, he usually won't accept the money so I give it to him in an envelope and then run away.
Why not run to his mother and give her the envelope of cash.
OfstedOffred · 27/02/2022 15:10

initiatives etc to help older people buy a bigger house

For obvious reasons the demand is not there for this

The 30 year old DC need to grow up and move out!

Rainbowshit · 27/02/2022 15:22

What do you mean they've had no help?! They're in their 30s with no outgoings?!!! They could easily have saved up enough for a deposit now if they really wanted to.

I bet their mum does everything for them. They need some tough love. Your MIL needs to throw them out.

TatianaBis · 27/02/2022 15:29

@LoHicimosAmigos

They don't claim benefits, they don't want to claim benefits. I don't know where this came from.
How is the one who is not now working supporting himself then?

Is he just spongeing off his mum?

GoogleWhacked · 27/02/2022 15:35

@LoHicimosAmigos

They don't claim benefits, they don't want to claim benefits. I don't know where this came from.
I apologise for assuming one of your bil was was on benefits. When you said he gave up working at all because he only needs money for takeaways, I assumed it was benefits - because he had given up working. One other point I would like to agree with from other PPs, you said in an earlier post that your bils haven't had the advantage of getting support from parents to get in the property ladder - well I'm sorry I have to disagree. They've been living rent free at home for how long? Long enough to save something towards either a mortgage deposit or a rental deposit. I know you're used to it, and maybe you can't see the woods for the trees - but really, they need to grow up.
TatianaBis · 27/02/2022 15:53

@LoHicimosAmigos

My BiL earns his take away money doing odd jobs for family, he usually won't accept the money so I give it to him in an envelope and then run away.
Oh I missed this. So he is sponging off his parents. He’s not earning enough to pay his way for utilities and food.