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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask for other solutions to my in laws up-sizing problem

236 replies

LoHicimosAmigos · 27/02/2022 09:07

Just wondering if there was something I hadn't thought of. My mother in law is not in a good place right now, signed off work with depression, saying that she doesn't see the point in living anymore. I'm trying to help her from a practical point of view. She also speaks to me about it as everyone else shuts any discussion of emotions down.
Lots of her depression stems from their house. She LOATHES her neighbours, hates the area and it's too small. Adult sons still live it home so that's four adults in a two bed. Parking is a nightmare. She works just round the corner but hates her job, yet she needs to work and can't drive so says it's the only job she can do. The boys fight constantly, partly because they're men in their thirties who still have to share a room.
What she thinks will solve the problem is buying a three bed house. So a room for both sons. However selling a two bed will not buy you a three bed in the same area without getting a mortgage which they don't want and at sixty plus I can see why.

The only options I can see are that she considers buying a three bed in another area, further from work and therefore finds a new job. Or she tells the sons she is giving them until this date to move out and she can buy a lovely two or one bed in the area of her choice, maybe give up work and have a better standard of life.
I think this is a much better idea. She refuses to 'kick them out' but everyone would be happier. One son has given up work altogether as he only needs money for the odd take away. The other is saving but also has a brand new car. I think they need independence, the whole house is so full of tension and depression as if this is not how any of them imagined life. They all love each other but need some space.
I'd love to know if there are any government schemes, initiatives etc to help older people buy a bigger house or help children to move out but keep a share of the capital or something similar.

OP posts:
BusinessMindThoughts · 27/02/2022 09:57

@LoHicimosAmigos

For all the mental health awareness out there, there's some pretty harsh replies on here. Some people will never be emotional resilient enough to work.
So the mum just has to be depressed about paying for her adult children to not work, and lump it?

My cousin has learning difficulties, finds it very hard to do anything to do with day-to-day life but has managed to keep various jobs (with support) and has moved into a flat near parents.

NeverAgainSam · 27/02/2022 09:58

If she buys a retirement flat then her sons cannot live with her.

Or, she tells them she is going to do this so they have to move out.

(They are a bit of a financial fuck up inheritance wise - so I would suggest she does the latter)

TrashyPanda · 27/02/2022 09:58

Oh, and a friends daughter has a learning disability.
She drives, works and just bought her own place with her boyfriend.
Because her parents have supported her to live her own life, independent from them.
Obviously, this isn’t going to work for everyone, but the point is her parents want her to have her own life.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 27/02/2022 09:58

@LoHicimosAmigos

For all the mental health awareness out there, there's some pretty harsh replies on here. Some people will never be emotional resilient enough to work.
But they don't all have mental health issues that mean they can't work and save for a deposit.

These are grown men in their thirties. They should have flown the nest LONG ago, not be sponging off their mother and splashing the cash on new cars and meals in Waitrose Hmm

BusinessMindThoughts · 27/02/2022 09:59

Maybe it's because I work in social care but there are so many factors as to why this might not be an easy thing to do.

Not easy, no, as hundreds of thousands of people know. Possible, yes.
What do you suggest the solution is, then, seeing as "getting free money for a bigger house" also seems to be not an easy thing to do?

TrashyPanda · 27/02/2022 09:59

[quote LoHicimosAmigos]@FennecShandDoesEverything I just can't imagine telling anyone to go and get a job. Maybe it's because I work in social care but there are so many factors as to why this might not be an easy thing to do. [/quote]
That’s what people working for the DSS do every single day.

Turn it around - Why wouldn’t you encourage people to work?

Oh, and I have MH issues.

Heronwatcher · 27/02/2022 10:00

I absolutely agree, they need to move out. If she feels she can’t do this, then could she give them 6 months rent up front but make it clear that’s it? And she must move in the meantime and not let them come back. Really she’s not doing them any favours letting them live like this, they need to be independent and will be happier in the long run. Can you show her this thread?

ENoeuf · 27/02/2022 10:00

This is my worst nightmare, the idea of any of my kids staying here in their 30s. I’m already tearing my hair out with the rent free year we gave them to stay and save after finishing education but at least they have plans! Both are under 25 and I don’t expect them to be here within 6 months. We can’t afford to help with deposits etc either hence the rent free year.

LoHicimosAmigos · 27/02/2022 10:03

@TrashyPanda yes and they're usually horrible too. I had one telling me 'have you not thought about getting a better paid job?' when I work full time for the NHS? I mean yes we could all leave but then where would that leave the country?

OP posts:
RichardsGear · 27/02/2022 10:03

Emotional resilience to be able to work? i think you're on a wind up here!

RewildingAmbridge · 27/02/2022 10:03

OP I grew up in London, can't afford to buy there so moved out. I graduated at 22 moved home for 18 months to save and moved back out again. Have had no inheritance house deposit etc, DH and I both had two jobs for a good while when we were saving to buy, I've never had a new or flashy car, we had takeaways maybe once or twice a year when we were saving like mad. They are in their 30s and have nothing, one doesn't even work because they don't need to. This isn't a societal issues it's a lazy CF issue. They need to get out and give her her home back.

RitaFires · 27/02/2022 10:04

Seeing as you work in social care you can probably find out what supports are available for BIL's mental health issues and what steps he needs to take to access them.

You can also suggest to new car BIL that sharing a room with someone with mental health issues can't be easy and wouldn't he better off having his own space and sending him links to rooms or flats available in the area.

TonytheDog · 27/02/2022 10:04

She should kick them out, leave her job and get a lodger in who pays the going rent.

AuntieMarys · 27/02/2022 10:05

Lazy fuckers.

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 27/02/2022 10:06

One son has given up work altogether as he only needs money for the odd take away. The other is saving but also has a brand new car. I think they need independence, the whole house is so full of tension and depression as if this is not how any of them imagined life. They all love each other but need some space.

If someone's health, sanity, sleep, work, or self-esteem are suffering because other adults are leveraging it for free time or freeloading they're being abused. Whatever the form of abuse, it will not get better on its own. It's not an accident.

They're all in a very damaging environment and cycle that needs to be broken. The men need to negotiate what they're going to do for themselves.

The MiL may needs some support but for herself alone. The sons need a specific time at which they need to move out and make their plans accordingly. The one with the new car may have to sell it to cover his costs but it was his choice to go with the car rather than save. He may wish to arrange housing with his brother but I should doubt it but that's their decision.

BusinessMindThoughts · 27/02/2022 10:06

The brand new car that one of the sons had bought would've been the equivalent of a good chunk of a deposit or several months' rent. You must know this.

anniegun · 27/02/2022 10:08

@MichelleScarn

love to know if there are any government schemes, initiatives etc to help older people buy a bigger house or help children to move out but keep a share of the capital or something similar.

I think a lot of people would love a scheme like this this! Can't imagine there is one.
How long have the sons been working for?

There is - its called shared ownership www.ownyourhome.gov.uk/scheme/shared-ownership/
BluebellsGreenbells · 27/02/2022 10:09

I have very small children and it's kind of hard for me to imagine ever kicking them out either

Why? Do you not want them to be independent and have successful relationships? Do you not want them to spread their wings and fly?

I still remember desperately wanting to leave home and live by myself and I sincerely hope my children feel the same!! It’s how it should be.

frazzledasarock · 27/02/2022 10:09

They’re grown ass men not ‘boys’ both men need to be in work and get a place of their own, they’ll probably have better luck buying/renting something together. Probably in a cheaper area.

Your PIL need to give them a deadline to leave.

And it’s really nothing to do with you. Nothing you can do. Will any of the adults involved care for or listen to your advice?

And nope I didn’t get help from my family to move out. I moved into a less desirable area into a place nobody else wanted to buy. So I got a home.

PonyPatter44 · 27/02/2022 10:09

The issue is not that MIL needs to earn more money. It sounds like the job she has is very suitable for her. The issue is that she can't seem to put her foot down. She has enabled two lazy boys to become two lazy men, and now everyone is reaping the consequences, her included.

I am now wondering if there is going to be some enormous dripfeed coming about why these two wasters can't find work. Have they both got massive MH difficulties, or no arms and legs, or conjoined twins?

Hiphopboppertybop99 · 27/02/2022 10:11

@LoHicimosAmigos - are you drip feeding here?

Your OP sounds like your 2 BILs are simply taking advantage of their parents by living with them - which is some way is contributing to your MILs depression?

Are you now saying there are reasons and / or barriers as to why 2 men in their 30s are not living independently, with jobs, either alone or with their own families ? Because I think this has generated the type of responses you've had.

If the latter is the case, then perhaps it is assistance programmes for the sons that maybe more appropriate rather than something for your MIL.

Seeline · 27/02/2022 10:11

I think if you are wanting advice specific to your circumstances we need some answers!
Are the brothers actually able to work? If not presumably they receive some form of benefits?
Where is your FIL? What are his views on this?
How does your DP feel about his brothers sponging off his mum and having a detrimental impact in her health?

Meandmini3 · 27/02/2022 10:14

This sounds awful. They’re grown men and need to get a life asap and stop ruining their mother’s! I had zero help with buying my first home other than having a below average paying job at that time. Renting or sharing a house are all better options than sponging off a parent.

TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo · 27/02/2022 10:14

The men need to leave. The jobless one needs a job and they can go rent a flat together.

(I have 2 stepbrothers aged 33 and 36, youngest has never worked in his life, eldest can't hold a job down for longer than a couple of months. Both still living at home and spend all their time growing ridiculous beards and playing on x box and collecting and painting weird little action figures. Their mum had enough and moved out to live with her new DP but is still paying the mortgage and bills on the house - MUG!!)

Can I just say how lovely it is to read a post from a DIL actually concerned about her MIL and wanting to help her!

newbiename · 27/02/2022 10:15

@LoHicimosAmigos

I didn't mean it was the role of the taxpayer, I meant sort of like a retirement home has a different market value, could there be anything like that where you could buy a retirement home and then get a large chunk to put into a deposit for a flat, which you still retain if it needs to be sold for care costs in the future.
What does this mean?