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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask for other solutions to my in laws up-sizing problem

236 replies

LoHicimosAmigos · 27/02/2022 09:07

Just wondering if there was something I hadn't thought of. My mother in law is not in a good place right now, signed off work with depression, saying that she doesn't see the point in living anymore. I'm trying to help her from a practical point of view. She also speaks to me about it as everyone else shuts any discussion of emotions down.
Lots of her depression stems from their house. She LOATHES her neighbours, hates the area and it's too small. Adult sons still live it home so that's four adults in a two bed. Parking is a nightmare. She works just round the corner but hates her job, yet she needs to work and can't drive so says it's the only job she can do. The boys fight constantly, partly because they're men in their thirties who still have to share a room.
What she thinks will solve the problem is buying a three bed house. So a room for both sons. However selling a two bed will not buy you a three bed in the same area without getting a mortgage which they don't want and at sixty plus I can see why.

The only options I can see are that she considers buying a three bed in another area, further from work and therefore finds a new job. Or she tells the sons she is giving them until this date to move out and she can buy a lovely two or one bed in the area of her choice, maybe give up work and have a better standard of life.
I think this is a much better idea. She refuses to 'kick them out' but everyone would be happier. One son has given up work altogether as he only needs money for the odd take away. The other is saving but also has a brand new car. I think they need independence, the whole house is so full of tension and depression as if this is not how any of them imagined life. They all love each other but need some space.
I'd love to know if there are any government schemes, initiatives etc to help older people buy a bigger house or help children to move out but keep a share of the capital or something similar.

OP posts:
LoHicimosAmigos · 27/02/2022 09:26

I didn't mean it was the role of the taxpayer, I meant sort of like a retirement home has a different market value, could there be anything like that where you could buy a retirement home and then get a large chunk to put into a deposit for a flat, which you still retain if it needs to be sold for care costs in the future.

OP posts:
TinyBarista · 27/02/2022 09:28

OP, reading into this that neither of the sons are your DH, what do the remaining siblings think that their brother (or sister) moved out, married and is presumably financially stable? Does this not signal to your MIL the sons are well overdue the push to live independently?

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 27/02/2022 09:28

But they're not saving are they, if ones splashing the cash on a new car, and the other has stopped earning all together?!

They're using her, and have no intention of stopping.

She should tell them she's selling the house and moving to a one bed so they'll have to rent somewhere if they've not managed to save enough for a deposit to buy. They've had no outgoings for years, they bloody should have been able to save something?!

What does your DH/DW think about the way their brothers are behaving? Can they give them a bollocking and tell them they're making DM ill, and need to shape up and ship out?

Poptart4 · 27/02/2022 09:28

Could the 4 adults pool their money together and build an extension or attic conversion?

As the 2 sons still living at home is causing the over crowding problem, I don't see why the elderly parents should take on all of the financial burden of fixing the problem. Their sons need to contribute too.

saraclara · 27/02/2022 09:28

It's interesting that even you call them "the boys" OP. Are these men infantilised by the whole family?

You say there are four in the two bed house. Assuming that the fourth is your FIL, what's his role in this? Does he give a damn that his wife is close to suicidal?

PotteringAlong · 27/02/2022 09:29

I have very small children and it's kind of hard for me to imagine ever kicking them out either.

Really? Because I have young children too an I can absolutely imagine a point when i would tell them that they were too old to be in their childhood bedroom and it’s time to stand on their own 2 feet!

HereComesTheSum · 27/02/2022 09:29

Wtf how odd. The solution is simple - they move out and MIL gets her life back. Jesus Christ it's like step brothers the movie! What have they been spending their money on since presumably working for the last 10+ years?? Where are their savings ready to buy or rent a place of their own. They don't need their own places they could find a 2 bed flat somewhere and live together to save money but with their own rooms. Why would you want to still live at home like this in your 30s?? So weird. Mil needs a serious talking to, can't believe any of you are even floating the idea of her upsizing in this situation - why isn't your DH sorting it out??

DurhamDurham · 27/02/2022 09:29

Honestly you're trying to find a solution that doesn't exist.

One son gave up work since he only needs cash for takeaways and the other prioritised buying a new car over saving up.

I think for all concerned they need to move out sooner rather than later. Your mil's depression might well ease once they've gone.

billy1966 · 27/02/2022 09:30

This will not be fixed.

Your MIL has no intention of throwing her adult sons out.

She will just use you to moan.

Step away from this site and her.

You cannot fix this.

Leave it to your husband and focus on your children.

Flowers
LoHicimosAmigos · 27/02/2022 09:30

Also in defence of my BiL's, they have had no help in anyway with money to move out. Most people of my generation have had some help with deposits as we are the third generations of home buyers. That makes a big difference! My in laws are the first generation, meaning they didn't inherit a substantial amount whilst already being homeowners, which could then be passed to their children. Im not saying all get this but a lot do.

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 27/02/2022 09:30

They aren’t young men. Bloody hell.

BigupPemberleyMassive · 27/02/2022 09:32

Send her this thread.

nearlyspringyay · 27/02/2022 09:32

I'm Hayes not young men and they need to move out. My aunt had similar with one son, in the end they relocated two hours away to get away from him.

LoHicimosAmigos · 27/02/2022 09:32

@TinyBarista we're not together and he's not stable. It's intergenerational trauma all round! I've known her for twenty years and she's my DC's nana so hard to step away.

OP posts:
lapasion · 27/02/2022 09:33

I’ve seen schemes like lifetime lease for older people, but fucking hell, they don’t need one. Their sons need to find a government scheme for first time buyers! Or to just rent a place and pay the bills like many of us in our 30s have to.

Is learning to drive totally out of the question? Any public transport available that’ll let her live in a different area? Or can she look into another job where she can work from home most of the time and therefore not having a driving issue?

In her shoes I’d be getting a ‘for sale’ sign up and looking for some nice one bed flats for my retirement.

RichardsGear · 27/02/2022 09:34

Eh? How did you and your DH afford to get your own place?
And your BILs have had years to save up! One has even decided he CBA to work so how is he ever going to move out?

diddl · 27/02/2022 09:34

If she thinks that she needs to buy a bigger place to house her in their 30s sons she is thinking about it the wrong way!

She needs to downsize if anything to be where she wants & living as she wants!

If one has given up work he's obviously not saving to get his own place!

BusinessMindThoughts · 27/02/2022 09:35

Also in defence of my BiL's, they have had no help in anyway with money to move out

This has got to be a joke. One stopped working because he didn't see a need to pay for accommodation. He's incredibly privileged and self entitled. Everyone else "gets help" by earning a wage.

They need to have as many of them working as they can, to afford accommodation that fits them. It's not rocket science Hmm

MintyGreenDream · 27/02/2022 09:35

Sounds like the film Stepbrothers.One if both definitely need to look at moving out asap.

RandomMess · 27/02/2022 09:35

She could buy a shared ownership place for herself but that would mean paying rent on some element of it and how would she afford to do that?

Are the neighbours awful or is that a way of deflecting from the issue of her sons not moving out?

AliceMcK · 27/02/2022 09:35

@LoHicimosAmigos

I agree but it's not easy for young men, either share a room in a shared house or stay at home and save for their own place, which I imagine is what they intended to do.
They are not “young” men, they are in their 30s. You also said one has given up work all together so how can he be saving for a house, the same with the one with the fancy car? They need to grow the fuck up and get out of their parents house. If they can’t afford to buy then they rent like other people do. Also who other than students share a room in a shared house, I’ve never met anyone who has done this other than students or backpackers.

If they are so close they could either rent or buy a place together. Not living at home also dosnt have to stop them from helping out around their parents house either.

toomuchlaundry · 27/02/2022 09:35

What happens when they die? Who gets the inheritance?

If DS was still living at home at 30, apart from extenuating circumstances, I would think I had failed as a parent (especially if he wasn’t actively working towards a solution to moving out)

They can move into a house share if they can’t afford to buy. Not everyone owns their own house

RandomMess · 27/02/2022 09:36

Another idea is that all rent a bigger nicer place and MIL sells up and uses the equity to pay her share of the rent as well as her earnings.

PonyPatter44 · 27/02/2022 09:36

OK, so they don't have access to the Bank of Mum And Dad. Its a shame, but its one of those things. Most people don't live st home until they are 35 either - and those that do, ALWAYS have hefty savings as a deposit, precisely because they were able to live at home for free and save.

Why don't they move out and rent somewhere together?

Hidingin · 27/02/2022 09:36

@LoHicimosAmigos

Also in defence of my BiL's, they have had no help in anyway with money to move out. Most people of my generation have had some help with deposits as we are the third generations of home buyers. That makes a big difference! My in laws are the first generation, meaning they didn't inherit a substantial amount whilst already being homeowners, which could then be passed to their children. Im not saying all get this but a lot do.
You are massively infantilising these men in their 30s ‘To be fair to them they’ve had no financial help’ ‘It’s not easy for young men’

I had no help buying a house
By 30 I had bought my second house and hadn’t lived at home since I was 18
I paid rent from 18 until I could buy my own house
Whilst I was fortunate (and hardworking) to get a well paid job, that wasn’t always the case
But no matter what I certainly didn’t sponge off my parents until my mother was so depressed she hated her life and home.

I’m certain these men won’t change whilst you and the rest of the family fail to see them as grown men, rather than the young helpless children you clearly believe they are.

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