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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask for other solutions to my in laws up-sizing problem

236 replies

LoHicimosAmigos · 27/02/2022 09:07

Just wondering if there was something I hadn't thought of. My mother in law is not in a good place right now, signed off work with depression, saying that she doesn't see the point in living anymore. I'm trying to help her from a practical point of view. She also speaks to me about it as everyone else shuts any discussion of emotions down.
Lots of her depression stems from their house. She LOATHES her neighbours, hates the area and it's too small. Adult sons still live it home so that's four adults in a two bed. Parking is a nightmare. She works just round the corner but hates her job, yet she needs to work and can't drive so says it's the only job she can do. The boys fight constantly, partly because they're men in their thirties who still have to share a room.
What she thinks will solve the problem is buying a three bed house. So a room for both sons. However selling a two bed will not buy you a three bed in the same area without getting a mortgage which they don't want and at sixty plus I can see why.

The only options I can see are that she considers buying a three bed in another area, further from work and therefore finds a new job. Or she tells the sons she is giving them until this date to move out and she can buy a lovely two or one bed in the area of her choice, maybe give up work and have a better standard of life.
I think this is a much better idea. She refuses to 'kick them out' but everyone would be happier. One son has given up work altogether as he only needs money for the odd take away. The other is saving but also has a brand new car. I think they need independence, the whole house is so full of tension and depression as if this is not how any of them imagined life. They all love each other but need some space.
I'd love to know if there are any government schemes, initiatives etc to help older people buy a bigger house or help children to move out but keep a share of the capital or something similar.

OP posts:
GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 27/02/2022 09:37

But they have had help, haven't they - not a lump of cash, but they've been living rent and bills free for a decade or more, that's a big old chunk of dosh they've 'saved' (or not, as the case may be!!) Lots of families can't afford to sub their adult kids living costs, and they still manage to move out.

But in terns of practical help - no, I wouldn't have thought there's anything to help your MIL chuck money at her kids, sounds like she can't afford it anyway?

But there are schemes to help the brothers buy and move out - details here www.ownyourhome.gov.uk/all-schemes/

DurhamDurham · 27/02/2022 09:37

Also in defence of my BiL's, they have had no help in anyway with money to move out. Most people of my generation have had some help with deposits as we are the third generations of home buyers

Op I don't know why you feel the need to defend them and make excuses for them. I know a lot more people who didn't get help than did. Also they're in their 30's and living at home, that is help, they could have been saving for years and years and be in a position to move out.

Instead they bought new cars or gave up work, it's pathetic it really is.

PermanentTemporary · 27/02/2022 09:37

I don't see why getting a room in a houseshare (preferably different house shares) would be an issue for these men? Well obviously the one who has given up work is going to struggle until he gets off his arse and gets a job, luckily a lot of companies are begging for staff so he should be able to find something. I would guess that she's too depressed to have that difficult conversation with them but your part er should get on and do it.

RandomMess · 27/02/2022 09:37

The one that isn't working has zero intention of moving out and buying!! Otherwise he would have a job.

Awrite · 27/02/2022 09:38

Family might ask for advice but they rarely take it.

PermanentTemporary · 27/02/2022 09:38

Just to say I loved my house share years, had a lot of fun and met some great people with different perspectives on life.

LimeSupper · 27/02/2022 09:38

This is not normal at all. No, OP, most people do not get help form their parents to buy houses. Some do, most don’t. Everyone I know of my generation (same as your BILs) moved out and rented, shared houses/ flats, saved, worked hard, scrimped and eventually bought something not very ideal. All my peers have jobs, families, responsibilities and lots of them support their parents. Some have had parental financial support but nowhere near the majority. Not a single one lives at home in their parents house not working and sharing a room with their sibling - how embarrassing.

Hidingin · 27/02/2022 09:40

Just to add
They HAVE had help.
How many 30 year olds live rent free? That is help.
Rent around here is approx £750 for a standard room, in a house share, bills included.
So presumably they could have saved that up every month.
That’s 2 years at mums house until they have a 20k deposit.
And it sounds like one of them isn’t even buying food so should have even more money to save.

I’m embarrassed for your BILs

Heartofglass12345 · 27/02/2022 09:40

Oh god, you referred to 2 grown men as 'the boys' and it one of them has given up work how is he ever going to be able to afford to move out?!

Do they have any issues? My son is 8 and autistic and I wonder if he would ever be able to live by himself, but if not then they need to go.

She sounds miserable. What do you think she would say if you brought this up? Ask her why it's ok that one of her children stopped working?

LimeSupper · 27/02/2022 09:40

The idea of a government scheme to help these losers out! They’re scrounging off their own parents in their 30s!!! Fully grown men!! Pathetic.

TimeForTeaAndG · 27/02/2022 09:41

You absolutely can step back from this, OP. It is lovely that you've been trying to help but if she won't actively change anything then really all you are is someone who will listen to her complaining. That's not good for your mental health either. This is not your problem to fix. You are here asking for solutions when you know she won't do anything.

If she is suicidal then direct her to relevant mental health support. But I would be gently saying that unless she is going to make an active change about the living situation then you can't listen to her complain about it as you have given advice/ideas already.

Lime37 · 27/02/2022 09:42

“Also in defence of my BiL's, they have had no help in anyway with money to move out. Most people of my generation have had some help with deposits as we are the third generations of home buyers. That makes a big difference! My in laws are the first generation, meaning they didn't inherit a substantial amount whilst already being homeowners, which could then be passed to their children. Im not saying all get this but a lot do.”

This is inaccurate most people I know my self included in our 30’s had to work hard and save to move out.

LottyD32 · 27/02/2022 09:43

I'd love to know if there are any government schemes, initiatives etc to help older people buy a bigger house or help children to move out but keep a share of the capital or something similar

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂. 😂

RitaFires · 27/02/2022 09:44

This situation is so dysfunctional and holding everybody back. I'd be surprised if either of your BILs can find partners that are willing to come back to the room they share with their brother. I think MIL's mental health would vastly improve if she didn't have to deal with her adult sons at such close quarters.

I'd present them with options, tell them something's got to give and if they didn't change anything just tell them they know what my opinion is so there's no point in speaking about it anymore.

Neenawneenaw76 · 27/02/2022 09:45

@LoHicimosAmigos

Also in defence of my BiL's, they have had no help in anyway with money to move out. Most people of my generation have had some help with deposits as we are the third generations of home buyers. That makes a big difference! My in laws are the first generation, meaning they didn't inherit a substantial amount whilst already being homeowners, which could then be passed to their children. Im not saying all get this but a lot do.
Without a job takeaway man is never going to be able to afford to move out. You make it sound like they're both just at their mum's while they save but that's not true. They're living there with no exit plan and they're not building up the means to ever leave. Your MIL has two choices, kids cl them out so they have to fend for themselves or keep things as they are. It's her choice I'd leave her to it if I were you. There's no helping some people, they all sound very dysfunctional.
LoHicimosAmigos · 27/02/2022 09:47

For all the mental health awareness out there, there's some pretty harsh replies on here. Some people will never be emotional resilient enough to work.

OP posts:
TinyBarista · 27/02/2022 09:48

@LoHicimosAmigos oh man! If the sons don't want to move, and your MIL won't give them a shove, it's really catch 22. I agree with a PP who said "if nothing changes then nothing changes".
You may be better focusing your efforts on getting her some mental health support, so she may be better equipped to make the change later on. Do the sons know she is struggling? Of course she will find it difficult to speak to them, but it's a major burden on you. Would she let you share this with them - do they even realise how their lifestyle/behaviour is having a negative impact on their mother?

FennecShandDoesEverything · 27/02/2022 09:49

they have had no help in anyway with money to move out

So fucking what?! They're about TEN YEARS past that being any kind of excuse. Ten years plus in which they've lived rent free. Otherwise known as MASSIVE, MASSIVE HELP. and what have they done with that tens of thousands of pounds worth of rent they didn't have to pay, which their mother has helped them with? Nothing.

This is not "it's hard for young people to get started nowadays". This is massive family dysfunction. This is two fully grown scrounging layabouts who are doing fuck all except leeching from their parents.

GingerFoxInAT0phat · 27/02/2022 09:49

Only one of my friends got help from her parents to buy her house, and that was only £3000 to be paid back at some point.

My Mil was also in a similar situation with her 40 year old son still living at home (other 2 sons moved out at appropriate times). He only moved out when they had a huge falling out.

She used to complain to me about it but all I could say was it will only end when he moves out. Literally no other solution.

What does her husband say about it all?

GroggyLegs · 27/02/2022 09:49

There's a really unhealthy dynamic of infantilised men and women scrabbling around to accommodate them here.

Sorry Op but this includes you.

They're not boys, they're not young, they're not financially disadvantaged if they're chosing not to work/shop at Waitrose/new car etc.
They're selfish wasters who are sucking your MIL dry.

And what's your DH doing about this unhealthy set up? Or FIL?

FennecShandDoesEverything · 27/02/2022 09:51

@LoHicimosAmigos

For all the mental health awareness out there, there's some pretty harsh replies on here. Some people will never be emotional resilient enough to work.
You've said nothing about brother 2 being disabled by his mental health. We're talking about a specific situation. One in which, by your description, he can't be arsed to work because he is fully supported by his DM.

You've been sucked into the family narrative that these "boys" are poor little things that need lots of coddling, God knows why, and that's your call, but don't expect the outside world to buy into it.

MyCatEatsPrawnCrackers · 27/02/2022 09:54

This is the third thread I'll have to hide today because it has made me so angry! Two fucking wasters in their thirties referred to as 'young men' and 'the boys'. My brother is 56 and has learning difficulties but he has been working part time for the last 30 years. Yes, he did live at home with my mum but then when she needed to move into more suitable accommodation due to mobility issues, he moved into supported accommodation and continues to work to help support himself. These two tossers sponging of your MIL are disgusting. Instead of helping her find a way for them to continue the sponging, you could focus your energy on helping her to kick the spongers out.

toomuchlaundry · 27/02/2022 09:54

So is the reason one doesn’t work due to MH problems? You said the one who doesn’t work only needs money for takeaways? What help is he getting?

TrashyPanda · 27/02/2022 09:55

These adult men sound pathetic.
They have jobs - move out. Rent a place. Just like loads of other people.

Two men in their 30s sharing a room and living with mum and dad is very strange.

They need to grow up and take responsibility for their own lives.

LoHicimosAmigos · 27/02/2022 09:57

@FennecShandDoesEverything I just can't imagine telling anyone to go and get a job. Maybe it's because I work in social care but there are so many factors as to why this might not be an easy thing to do.

OP posts:
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