Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say MIL can't see DS on his birthday

342 replies

ncforthisone22 · 27/02/2022 09:02

It's DS birthday next month. It falls on a weekday. We are doing a softplay party for family and friends the weekend before and a birthday tea with his school class at home on the day starting at 3pm. I didn't want to try to combine the events as too many people.

MIL has been invited to join us at either or both events. She doesn't want to come to the softplay as it's "not her thing" and the birthday tea is during working hours. She has told DH that she will come to our house after work (6.30pm) on DS birthday so that she can give him her presents and spend some time with him.

I really feel this doesn't work for us. The kids are in the bath by 6.30 and DS will be exhausted after a morning at school plus an afternoon party. The house will be a tip and the idea of MIL arriving just after we've Gorran rid of 20 3 year olds fills me with dread.

For context, MIL has form for only ever doing things on her terms.

AIBU to say no to a post party visit?

OP posts:
AtillatheHun · 27/02/2022 09:05

Of course not. Soft play isn’t meant to her her thing, it’s for her grandson. He’s going to attend plenty of beers that aren’t his thing to see her, it’s how it works. She gets to see him enjoying his thing. Or takes a few hours off work and helps you hand out sandwiches

Soontobe60 · 27/02/2022 09:06

It’s your son’s birthday, he will most likely love seeing his granny! He’s going to be high as a kite after having 20 kids round for tea (you must be bonkers doing this on a school night) so having granny round to maybe help bath him and settle him into bed would be lovely. YA definitely BU.

DontBeMean · 27/02/2022 09:07

What does your husband want to do? Could she come a little earlier?

Greenqueen40 · 27/02/2022 09:09

Its one night a year on her gransons birthday, I'm sure you could miss the bath for a night and tidy around her!

hellithurt · 27/02/2022 09:09

Got what an awful MIL making an effort to see her DGC on his birthday.

Mamamia7962 · 27/02/2022 09:10

Maybe she could help with the children whilst you are tidying up. Just explain to her that 6.30 pm is the kids' bathtime, and would she like to help with that and getting the children to bed.

My children loved their nan giving them a bath and reading a bedtime story

DropYourSword · 27/02/2022 09:11

I wouldn't worry about the house being a tip! BUT yeah if that's bath and bedtime you know your child best to know whether it would be better not to disrupt the routine or whether your child would manage with a change and a later night.
I suspect those that suggest that YABU probably have a child that could adjust bedtime more easily. Mine would struggle with this and it would make the next day a bit of a nightmare!

Howshouldibehave · 27/02/2022 09:13

Can’t she come, give him his gift and do his bath/story-it’ll give you a chance to tidy the house up.

I think it’s nice she wants to visit. I’d say fine, but obviously it’s a school night and we need to tidy up, so just come for 45 minutes.

Original poster
ncforthisone22 · 27/02/2022 09:14

@DontBeMean DH wants her to come to one of the events we are arranging to celebrate his birthday

OP posts:
clarrylove · 27/02/2022 09:17

I'm sure she wants to see him open her present. She can't do that at the parties can she? YABU.

Dinoteeth · 27/02/2022 09:18

What you are suggesting doesn't make sense, why not do a softplay party at 3 on his birthday with his friends.
And family event in the house.

I really wouldn't want 20 x 3 year olds plus parents in the average sized UK house. Parents are likely to hang around as the kids are really small

ChubbyMorticia · 27/02/2022 09:20

YANBU. MIL has been given options and declined. What she wants isn’t more important than what works best for you and your family.

Original poster
ncforthisone22 · 27/02/2022 09:21

DH did suggest the nanny bath time option, but she wanted to do presents (and playing with presents) and went down the line that some PP's are taking "surely one late night won't hurt". I just don't think that's what's in DS's best interests. He is a bad sleeper and upsetting the bedtime routine or timing throws him off. Just for once I'd love her to just make things easier not harder.

OP posts:
Stressedout1009 · 27/02/2022 09:21

You are clearly being difficult for the sake of it. It's his birthday, a one off. Why make it a big deal. Let her chat to him while he's in his bath.

SpringSparrow · 27/02/2022 09:22

I think it’s nice she wants to see him on his birthday. I don’t blame her for not wanting to go to a soft play though, they aren’t enjoyable for older adults. I would welcome her after the party at home. How old is your son?

givemeallthecheese · 27/02/2022 09:23

You are clearly being difficult for the sake of it. It's his birthday, a one off. Why make it a big deal. Let her chat to him while he's in his bath.

Yes, can't help but agree with this.
Do you have history with MiL?

ShanghaiDiva · 27/02/2022 09:24

You are being churlish.
Am sure your ds would like to see his grandma on his birthday. Surely this is the most important consideration.

Original poster
ncforthisone22 · 27/02/2022 09:24

@Dinoteeth there are lots of young children in our family plus a close nct group. I don't want to pay £12 a head for 40+ kids at softplay. We are rural and have plenty of space for kids in the house/garden if it's fine

OP posts:
Montague22 · 27/02/2022 09:24

Suggest she comes the following night. She's being awkward.

JoyOrbison · 27/02/2022 09:25

You can cope with 30 kids at your house but not your MIL at 6:30?

Be honest, is this one of those 'I don't like my mother in law posts'? It's hrr grandson's birthday, of course she wamts to see him - a soft play isn't ideal and neither is a party for 30 kids. You are effectively saying to your MIL you'll put yourself out for 30 kids in the house but not her.

Real what you sow... Is this how you would want your ds and partner treating you when he's older?

LosingTheWill2022 · 27/02/2022 09:26

[quote ncforthisone22]@DontBeMean DH wants her to come to one of the events we are arranging to celebrate his birthday[/quote]
Both events are high energy activities. Chances are your ds will not register whether his grandmother is there or not.

I think it's a shame to deny her and him a visit at 6.30 on his birthday.

But I confess my real surprise is having a tea party at home for 20 3 year olds! Presumably all with an adult for the duration. Shock

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 27/02/2022 09:27

Post party he ain't going to bed at 6
30 ish..
Yabu for thinking that.
Invite granny.
Pour yourself a glass.
Let dh deal with the aftermath.

Photolass · 27/02/2022 09:27

Do you have a very large house? 20 youngsters at home sounds a recipe for disaster, especially as parents will want to stay, at that age.
It's different if you're hiring a hall of course, with space for running around.
Your mother-in-law should be able to come over in the early evening to see your son. It will send a hostile message if you tell her she can't visit. I don't suppose she'll be too bothered about the mess, she will know you've had a party. She could help with the tidying, or the bathing and story telling.

Original poster
ncforthisone22 · 27/02/2022 09:27

I don't have a big history with MIL but this is a pattern. Every plan we make has to be exactly what suits her, regardless of whether it's convenient for anyone else

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/02/2022 09:28

YANBU about MIL OP

“One late night won’t hurt”, we’ll “one afternoon off work or one trip to soft play” won’t hurt her! Why does she want to do something that isn’t on offer.

I agree however that you’d be much better off with a soft play trip for the school friends, and family at the house. It’s the wrong way round. But I’m guessing your DS is quite young, ie infants?