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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say MIL can't see DS on his birthday

342 replies

ncforthisone22 · 27/02/2022 09:02

It's DS birthday next month. It falls on a weekday. We are doing a softplay party for family and friends the weekend before and a birthday tea with his school class at home on the day starting at 3pm. I didn't want to try to combine the events as too many people.

MIL has been invited to join us at either or both events. She doesn't want to come to the softplay as it's "not her thing" and the birthday tea is during working hours. She has told DH that she will come to our house after work (6.30pm) on DS birthday so that she can give him her presents and spend some time with him.

I really feel this doesn't work for us. The kids are in the bath by 6.30 and DS will be exhausted after a morning at school plus an afternoon party. The house will be a tip and the idea of MIL arriving just after we've Gorran rid of 20 3 year olds fills me with dread.

For context, MIL has form for only ever doing things on her terms.

AIBU to say no to a post party visit?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 27/02/2022 09:28

Invite her for breakfast instead?

The 20 for tea on the day sounds insane and too overwhelming tbh.

PonyPatter44 · 27/02/2022 09:29

He will be hyped up beyond belief after the excitement of such a big party. Rope MIL in to help you do wind-down time, or ask her to do bathtime while you tidy up the worst of the mess, and then you do bedtime while MIL recovers!

Soontobe60 · 27/02/2022 09:29

@ncforthisone22

DH did suggest the nanny bath time option, but she wanted to do presents (and playing with presents) and went down the line that some PP's are taking "surely one late night won't hurt". I just don't think that's what's in DS's best interests. He is a bad sleeper and upsetting the bedtime routine or timing throws him off. Just for once I'd love her to just make things easier not harder.
You’re being obtuse here. I assume his usual weekday routine is pick up from school, home, play time, reading, tea, tv, bath bed. However, his routine will not be the same on his birthday as there will be all his classmates coming for tea, mayhem will take place, cake will be eaten. So no, granny coming too and him going to bed a bit later will not ruin his usual routine, because you’re already planning to do that!!!
SpringSparrow · 27/02/2022 09:30

Also twenty 3 year olds in your house fills me with dread! I remember reading once you should have the same number of children as the age of the birthday child, so three for a third birthday, six for a sixth birthday. As they are only three, are the parents staying too? At that age, we used to have a bouncy castle and ride on toys in a community centre or soft play parents and a birthday tea in the venue. My mother in law used to help in the kitchen. My mum used to bring my niece and nephew and didn’t really help much.

Staryflight445 · 27/02/2022 09:30

I don’t think you’re being awkward op.
You gave her the opportunity to go to either event and she declined the one she could go to.

After having so many people round I’d not be wanting to entertain anyone either and would be focusing on clean up/ trying to calm my children down and getting them settled for bed.

Lulu1919 · 27/02/2022 09:31

Could granny do the pressie...bath and nice story ?
If so ..say it so she knows what to expect etc

Soontobe60 · 27/02/2022 09:31

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

YANBU about MIL OP

“One late night won’t hurt”, we’ll “one afternoon off work or one trip to soft play” won’t hurt her! Why does she want to do something that isn’t on offer.

I agree however that you’d be much better off with a soft play trip for the school friends, and family at the house. It’s the wrong way round. But I’m guessing your DS is quite young, ie infants?

I am a granny with a really dodgy knee and a hearing impairment, so soft play is out for me. As would be being surrounded by 20 noisy children in a confined space.
TheSandgroper · 27/02/2022 09:32

I’m with you, OP. Just have your DH say firmly that these are her options. Sometimes, you just have to make a stand.

WhenPushComesToShove · 27/02/2022 09:32

Sounds like a power struggle to me. Don't be miserable; let MIL see grandchild in his birthday. It's honestly not really any skin off your nose now is it

Photolass · 27/02/2022 09:32

@ncforthisone22

I don't have a big history with MIL but this is a pattern. Every plan we make has to be exactly what suits her, regardless of whether it's convenient for anyone else
I can't see the inconvenience to you, if she comes in the early evening. Is it worth rebuffing her, with the resultant hard feelings, just because you don't think it will suit you exactly?
BertieQueen · 27/02/2022 09:35

Think you are being unreasonable. She isn’t going to be able to see him at a soft play party as he will be off with his friends plying and enjoying his party.

Then she can’t turn up at 3pm because you said that’s working hours so I take it she is at work. Also again he will be with his friends playing so hardly going to be interested in Granny there and he also can’t open presents with loads of other kids there.

Is there a reason he is having 2 parties? Surely the kids at his birthday tea would be at his party on the weekend?

We usually do a friends party on a weekend and then a family tea on the actual day, then everyone gets to see the birthday child.

KindlyKanga · 27/02/2022 09:37

I don't think he will stick to his usual routine after such a fun party tbh. All that cake and sugar and social buzz. Any other day and I'd agree with you but it sounds like an ideal transition after the party to the bedtime zone. I'd just tell her it can only be a brief visit.

minniep · 27/02/2022 09:37

Just let her call with the child's present. Surely he will be high as a kite anyway as his friends will have been there and normal routine will be out the window. It's his birthday just relax for one evening he can do without his bath. To be honest I don't get the nightly bath time thing anyway.

cansu · 27/02/2022 09:39

I get that its irritating but you are buying onto that and making this about the fact that she is demanding. Let her come over for half an hour. Don't overdo your hospitality. All she will get is a cup of tea and a slice of birthday cake. At 7.30 put ds in pj and make bedtime noises.

Gizacluethen · 27/02/2022 09:39

No y guess would be that he's gonna be nackered and hyper. She's probably not going to enjoy his behaviour. He's then going to be cranky and still hyper hours later when you're then going to have to try to bath him and get him to bed.

He will have a late night, because it will take a while to calm down. Adding more high energy stuff will just delay the start of his calm down time and make it an even later bed time.

Now if she was going to come and bath him or tidy up while you do the other and resd him a book and cuddle then yeah I'd probably agree.

But she wants to come over at bedtime to play when he's already had a big day. It's not what's best for him. And it's his birthday. Why should he put up with one night's poor sleep for a grown woman who doesn't fancy softplay.

Krakenchorus · 27/02/2022 09:40

I'd let her crack on with coming over at 6.30, but I would not change any plans. You are not entertaining her. You will be cleaning up after the party. The most I'd do is flick on the kettle. Then continue cleaning up or getting dc ready for bed.

At 6.30, dc will be in the bath as usual. If she arrives late, he may be asleep. If she's on time, he may have half an hour to spend with nan opening presents.

saraclara · 27/02/2022 09:41

Soft play and a party with twenty kids (and parents) are far from pleasant for most loving grandparents who just want to see their DGC on their birthday.
I don't think it's demanding to ask to pop round and have some time with him when the party's over.

A birthday is not going to be a routine day. I would warn her that he probably won't have much time to play with his gifts as he'll be tired after the party, but jeeze, she's not asking for the world here.

AnnesBrokenSlate · 27/02/2022 09:43

Tbh if this is what your plans are usually like, it's no wonder MIL tries to do something different. You're prioritising random DCs over his gran. Imagine being told it's more important your GS sees all these people at the soft play party and 20 DCs at home rather than his gran. And fwiw we're still in a pandemic. Maybe your MIL doesn't like the idea of mixing with so many people and DCs.

HumunaHey · 27/02/2022 09:44

It's selfish of her not to join the soft play just because it's not her thing. She could just turn up, give him his present, sit and have a cuppa watching kids play, take a pic or two, then bugger off.

Wanting to come and see a 3 year old and spend time from 6.30pm is silly. He'll be getting very tired by then.

Mrsjayy · 27/02/2022 09:45

You are having 30 people at your house but your mother in law is an inconvenience Confused just tell her no 6.30 is too late she isn't going to come to soft play or the house party so you are as well to just say no now and then she can decide what she wants to do.

Cakelover17 · 27/02/2022 09:48

YANBU, I do think you’ve done things an odd way round (soft play for adults, tea party for most of the kids is strange), so I can see why she doesn’t want to come to soft play. But I wouldn’t have visitors at bath time either, especially on his birthday, I’d like to have a nice settled routine myself and enjoy a little personal time with my own child on his birthday. Why can’t she come the other weekend day or a different evening?

starfishmummy · 27/02/2022 09:49

I think you'll just have grin and bear the fact that she will come when she wants to, no matter what you say.

lollipoprainbow · 27/02/2022 09:50

First world problems Hmm

Cakelover17 · 27/02/2022 09:51

@AnnesBrokenSlate

Tbh if this is what your plans are usually like, it's no wonder MIL tries to do something different. You're prioritising random DCs over his gran. Imagine being told it's more important your GS sees all these people at the soft play party and 20 DCs at home rather than his gran. And fwiw we're still in a pandemic. Maybe your MIL doesn't like the idea of mixing with so many people and DCs.
That’s just daft, she doesn’t want to come to soft play, and she’s at work after school when the other kids are there. Other days of the week are also available if she doesn’t want to mix with people, and OP hasn’t said anything to suggest MIL is afraid of covid, not everything is about covid.
Dinoteeth · 27/02/2022 09:51

I'd re think your plan, have one kids party outside the house with NCT friends and nursery friends, either in village hall with bouncy castle or softplay.

And keep the house party as a family event with Grannies, Aunties and your DCs cousins.

Even if you have a big house do you have enough toilets for 20 3 year olds who are likely to wait to the last minute before saying they need. Or are you ok with parents using your en-suite etc

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