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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say MIL can't see DS on his birthday

342 replies

ncforthisone22 · 27/02/2022 09:02

It's DS birthday next month. It falls on a weekday. We are doing a softplay party for family and friends the weekend before and a birthday tea with his school class at home on the day starting at 3pm. I didn't want to try to combine the events as too many people.

MIL has been invited to join us at either or both events. She doesn't want to come to the softplay as it's "not her thing" and the birthday tea is during working hours. She has told DH that she will come to our house after work (6.30pm) on DS birthday so that she can give him her presents and spend some time with him.

I really feel this doesn't work for us. The kids are in the bath by 6.30 and DS will be exhausted after a morning at school plus an afternoon party. The house will be a tip and the idea of MIL arriving just after we've Gorran rid of 20 3 year olds fills me with dread.

For context, MIL has form for only ever doing things on her terms.

AIBU to say no to a post party visit?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 27/02/2022 16:32

You could ask why the inflexibility and rigidity from the Op too though.

Seems to be she is turning it into a mountain out of a molehill type situation.

Migrainesbythedozen · 27/02/2022 16:33

If she is a grandmother, that means she was a mother, and also a mother to a son at that, so should understand all about night routines, so why would she just 'expect' to pop over at 6:30pm? You'd think she'd know better.

And the boy is only having his third birthday - it's not even a milestone birthday at that, - and there will be plenty more actual birthdays she can celebrate with him on the actual day.

Cookiecrumblepie · 27/02/2022 16:34

@Sirzy completely agree, but in situations involving a child, the child and mother/fathers wishes come first. That’s the way the cookie crumbles! It’s not like OP has excluded her MIL, there are plenty of options. Why would a MIL make it such an issue? Just compromise!

Migrainesbythedozen · 27/02/2022 16:37

@Sirzy

You could ask why the inflexibility and rigidity from the Op too though.

Seems to be she is turning it into a mountain out of a molehill type situation.

The OP has given the MIL two chances to see him, softplay is the other. The OP is not the one who is being inflexible here, and it seems it's always the MIL that is inflexible and causing trouble. The MIL can see the boy the day before the birthday, on the birthday, or the day after. She has chances coming out of her ears, and the OP is expected to bend over backwards for someone who truly isn't even interested in the boy and just wants to make it all about herself.
WingingItEveryDay7 · 27/02/2022 16:37

There is clearly history of your MIL trying to dictate what suits her which PP don't seem to appreciate here. My MIL sounds exactly the same as yours. Both me and DH get pissed off with it and have put our foot down on more than one occasion. My own mum wouldn't expect to visit in the same way the MIL does as she understands we have a routine and plans previously made etc. Regardless of the party plans for the evening, you have given her 2 options so she either chooses one or you reach a compromise and see her on another weekend at another time. Family don't get to dictate when they see you, you decide what works for everyone. Hope you can reach an amicable solution! x

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/02/2022 16:44

[quote Cookiecrumblepie]@Sirzy my point is, if she wanted to be there, she would find a way. If she couldn’t, the surely she can just go another day. What’s the issue? Why MUST MIL visit on the precise birthday? Why the inflexibility and rigidity?[/quote]
@Cookiecrumblepie well cos that particular day is his birthday obvs

Havers · 27/02/2022 16:44

I really couldn’t be bothered to get worked up about this. She’s dropping in a 6.30pm to hand over a present and see her Grandson it seems reasonable to me, but then we are a small family and I’m happy for our one remaining Grandparent to drop in whenever he wants to.

Cookiecrumblepie · 27/02/2022 16:49

@LuckySantangelo35 I know, but if the day was SO important surely MIL could knock off work an hour early? Or take leave?

Havers · 27/02/2022 16:49

[quote Cookiecrumblepie]@LuckySantangelo35 I know, but if the day was SO important surely MIL could knock off work an hour early? Or take leave?[/quote]
That would depend on the job she does and how much notice she has to give for leave.

MargosKaftan · 27/02/2022 16:50

I would go back to her and say you think by 6:30, hes likely to be half asleep after a busy day, grumpy and not want to play with her or her gifts. While you could do want she wants and try to keep him awake to see her, she needs to be prepared to see tantrums and it not being a nice experience for her. Would she reconsider coming to his party, perhaps arriving towards the end when you do cake and candles so she can see him blow his candles out and then perhaps she can come back to yours after that for a coffee and a play with ds.

If she won't compromise, on his birthday if he seems tired, get him up to Bath before 6:30 so as she was warned, hes in the bath when she gets there.

If she's used to adults fitting in with her, she'll have to relearn kids dont.

Original poster
ncforthisone22 · 27/02/2022 16:50

Just working my way through everything, thank you for all the thoughts. I probably am a little blinkered by the fact that the relationship is a little tricky. Every time DH tries to make a plan, it has to change to suit her. Usually I just swallow it and say fine, but we've gone to a lot of effort to try to accommodate everyone's working patterns etc with having 2 events already.

MIL could take time off if she wanted to - her work is flexible. She doesn't want to come to the party (and I don't blame her, it's 20 toddlers). For those asking how I'd feel if it were my mum - my mum has taken the day off to help get prepped for the party and will be chopping sandwiches/clearing/general child watching. She goes out of her way to be helpful, so yes, I would feel differently if she was making a request for a plan change for some reason.

I really don't mind if MIL wants to have some one on one time with DS with presents etc. And with hindsight maybe we should have done the school party on a different day so that immediate family could see him on the day. But I just don't really see why she can't accept a tea the day before or after, or at the weekend if she doesn't want to come to either of his parties.

OP posts:
Needdoughnuts · 27/02/2022 16:51

The OP has given the MIL two chances to see him

Is this how parents treat grandparents? Such formality. It's really disturbing.

Cookiecrumblepie · 27/02/2022 16:52

I’m amazed at people bending over backwards to make excuses for MIL. Jeezus birthdays are the same day every year. That’s a years notice! If it’s THAT important just block it out every year.

It’s obviously not that important, MIL is just being inflexible.

maddy68 · 27/02/2022 16:54

Ffs it's his birthday. He will want to see his granny. It's 6;30 not feckin midnight. I honestly don't understand the issue

Nanny0gg · 27/02/2022 16:55

@maddy68

Ffs it's his birthday. He will want to see his granny. It's 6;30 not feckin midnight. I honestly don't understand the issue
He's 3. He won't even think about her!
WalkingOnTheCracks · 27/02/2022 16:57

I understand her not wanting to do the softplay thing. At those events, no one actually gets to see the birthday child - who's quite rightly running around with friends and paying no attention to grown-ups. Much the same is true at parties.

As it happens, it's my grandchild's birthday next week, and the arrangements are similar. My son and daughter-in-law's attitude was, 'You can come if you like, but you won't see much of her.'

I agreed. We arranged a day later on where it'll just be family, which I think is a better idea all round.

So I suppose my question is - why isn't your MiL saying, "No, obviously the kid'll be knackered. Why don't I come over on Saturday?"

I think you're being perfectly reasonable, and she's not.

5128gap · 27/02/2022 16:57

@Needdoughnuts

The OP has given the MIL two chances to see him

Is this how parents treat grandparents? Such formality. It's really disturbing.

Horrible isn't it? Dictatorial with a real thread of spite at times. Not particularly the OP, but some of the responses. Totally unrecognisable to me from the way we behaved to our children's grandparents.
frazzledasarock · 27/02/2022 16:58

@maddy68

Ffs it's his birthday. He will want to see his granny. It's 6;30 not feckin midnight. I honestly don't understand the issue
Why?

Seriously why would any three year old want to see their grandparent specifically on their birthday?

I have a three year old. With utterly doting darling grandparents (IL’s as it happens).

Three year old was oblivious to them not being at her birthday. Did enjoy the cake and singing at nursery and being the centre of attention amongst the other toddlers.

frazzledasarock · 27/02/2022 17:00

@WalkingOnTheCracks

I understand her not wanting to do the softplay thing. At those events, no one actually gets to see the birthday child - who's quite rightly running around with friends and paying no attention to grown-ups. Much the same is true at parties.

As it happens, it's my grandchild's birthday next week, and the arrangements are similar. My son and daughter-in-law's attitude was, 'You can come if you like, but you won't see much of her.'

I agreed. We arranged a day later on where it'll just be family, which I think is a better idea all round.

So I suppose my question is - why isn't your MiL saying, "No, obviously the kid'll be knackered. Why don't I come over on Saturday?"

I think you're being perfectly reasonable, and she's not.

This is exactly what my IL’s did. And DC was so happy to see them and showed them all her birthday cards and her favourite present.
PleaseYourselfandEatTheCrusts · 27/02/2022 17:05

YANBU - MIL has been given options and turned them down.

To everyone saying "It's only one day of the year". It is but it's reasonable that you want to spend time celebrating your own son's birthday without having to share it with your MIL, who you may not particularly like and who may not like you. Grandparent doesn't trump parent.

saraclara · 27/02/2022 17:12

[quote Cookiecrumblepie]@Sirzy ahh yes it is. Birthdays are on the same day every year. You have a legal entitlement to annual leave.[/quote]
On a family birthday? If only I'd known. My headteacher must have been keeping this from us all.

And I can just imagine a lot of MN DGMs applying for a day's leave and then finding that their DIL is pissed off at their presumption, and that they're not invited on the day itself.

Cognoscenti · 27/02/2022 17:20

YANBU at all. I imagine a lot of the people saying you're unreasonable don't have parents or in laws who must do everything on their terms and will not consider compromise.
My in laws are like this, on the day of one of our son's birthdays ignored any and all mention of when people were coming round, etc. and turned up while we were in pyjamas eating breakfast. 🤦‍♀️

Maray1967 · 27/02/2022 17:32

OP, if she is always like this, insisting on doing things to suit her, then I would insist on things being done my way. I agree with the PP - if you have in-laws like this it’s a case of giving an inch and them taking a mile.
I would say she could come at 6.30 but I would ensure that bath time etc is exactly when I say it will be. I would make it clear that there is no way he’s having a late night. Your situation seems to be that this type of thing is smears happening so you need to draw boundaries now. If she insists on coming at that time he will be in bed at his usual time do why not come on Friday etc

Dishwashersaurous · 27/02/2022 17:55

Actually when someone always makes it about them, and what they want it's so irritating.

Maybe just let this one go, and don't worry about the house being a tip and make it clear its 30 minutes then bath

But going forward be on the same plan with your husband about not always amending to suit her

LookItsMeAgain · 27/02/2022 18:11

@saraclara - why couldn't they go up to see your child in the cot instead? Fair enough about not bringing them back downstairs but to not let them stay for a bit and then go up to see the sleeping baby would probably have worked in your situation too?
@MrsLargeEmbodied - why didn't you bring your baby into the photograph in their little trolley-cot thing that they usually are in while in hospital? Baby stays asleep but is also in the photograph???

Am I over thinking these incidents?

As for the OP, I think your MiL needs to be told by her son, your DH, what is going to be happening on her grandson's birthday and she can take option a (go to the play centre), option b (come to the house straight after the kids leave from the party) or option c (do the bath and bedtime routine and tell her grandson a bedtime story) or option d (visit another day entirely), but as his actual birthday DAY goes, there are only 3 options there. Also for him to say that it does matter what time her grandson goes to bed, even on his birthday, so what is it to be?