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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say MIL can't see DS on his birthday

342 replies

ncforthisone22 · 27/02/2022 09:02

It's DS birthday next month. It falls on a weekday. We are doing a softplay party for family and friends the weekend before and a birthday tea with his school class at home on the day starting at 3pm. I didn't want to try to combine the events as too many people.

MIL has been invited to join us at either or both events. She doesn't want to come to the softplay as it's "not her thing" and the birthday tea is during working hours. She has told DH that she will come to our house after work (6.30pm) on DS birthday so that she can give him her presents and spend some time with him.

I really feel this doesn't work for us. The kids are in the bath by 6.30 and DS will be exhausted after a morning at school plus an afternoon party. The house will be a tip and the idea of MIL arriving just after we've Gorran rid of 20 3 year olds fills me with dread.

For context, MIL has form for only ever doing things on her terms.

AIBU to say no to a post party visit?

OP posts:
feelingdizzy · 27/02/2022 11:19

It's probably not ideal Granny coming at 6.30 but it's not worth a hard no , save that for the big stuff .

Also as a parent of adult kids you don't forget the importance of routine and the tiredness of small kids but it does form part of the picture of the larger part of parenting in which honestly an odd later night doesn't matter.
I say that as someone who twenty years ago would have been welded to my toddlers routine ,and probably caused myself undue stress because of it .

MrsLargeEmbodied · 27/02/2022 11:21

i think yabu
thinking of my colleague who works full time.
if MIL doesnt like soft play

let her pop over at a time that she can, is 6.30 the earliest she can manage?

MissMaple82 · 27/02/2022 11:21

YABU doesn't take long to hanf over his gifts and wish him happy birthday. Play areas are annoying at the best of times, it's not like ahes going to be actually spending time with him.

ScribblingPixie · 27/02/2022 11:21

You don't sound very flexible, OP. Maybe you and your MIL are a bit alike?

DietrichandDiMaggio · 27/02/2022 11:22

I'm glad I'm not teaching the boy and his friends the next day.

He's turning 3, so the OP is talking about a group of 2 and 3 year olds - they are not a school class and their education is not going to be affected.

Crunchymum · 27/02/2022 11:23

@ncforthisone22

DH did suggest the nanny bath time option, but she wanted to do presents (and playing with presents) and went down the line that some PP's are taking "surely one late night won't hurt". I just don't think that's what's in DS's best interests. He is a bad sleeper and upsetting the bedtime routine or timing throws him off. Just for once I'd love her to just make things easier not harder.
I suspect the party is going to be more upsetting to your child's bedtime routine than his nan popping in for half an hour.

Maybe she "does things on her terms" as she has a job? A life?

(Or maybe she thinks fuck having to attend the Hell that is a softplay party to see her GC)

RedskyThisNight · 27/02/2022 11:24

I doubt you'll be able to get DS into the bath straight after a party with 30 3 year olds. Surely he'll still be bouncing off the walls, hyped on party food , and want to spend ages opening all his (20) presents? Having MIL round might be a good thing -she can entertain and hopefully calm him down while you get on with the clearing up.

gingerbiscuits · 27/02/2022 11:27

You've clearly already made up your mind that you don't want her to come.

I think a big exciting party on a school night is insane - no way your son will be calm & sleepy by 6:30pm - regardless of whether or not granny comes to visit!

In your situation, I'd do the school friends party on the Fri night or weekend after his actual birthday - then it can be as wild as you like & a late night won't matter.

Then, on his actual birthday, mid-week, granny can pop in for tea & presents. Sorted. Everyone happy. No stress.

GrazingSheep · 27/02/2022 11:27

I’m on your mil’s side here.

BuddhaForMary · 27/02/2022 11:27

@Stressedout1009

You are clearly being difficult for the sake of it. It's his birthday, a one off. Why make it a big deal. Let her chat to him while he's in his bath.
Absolutely agree with this. You're being petty for the sake of one evening. It's his birthday.
sadpapercourtesan · 27/02/2022 11:28

@Andouillette

YANBU OP, and I say that as the granny in this equation. I leave the on the day stuff to the other grandparents and go up to visit the next day. The GCs don't care if I'm not there on the day as they are 1. busy and 2. very happy to have an extra 'birthday'. The day after can be a big comedown for small children so granny appearing with extra presents is a way round that. We have a relaxing time with left over cake and everybody is happy!
What a breath of fresh air you are!

OP, YANBU. Her attitude is not uncommon, unfortunately, the "I'm the matriarch, you will all bend around me" thing happens a lot. You do need to curtail it now or it will cause untold misery as the DC get older. DH needs to tell her that a visit on the day is not an option. She can visit another day, or she can attend one of the parties she has been invited to.

We did whole-class parties at home for both our DC. They were lovely. Not overwhelming at all - noisy and messy, yes, but that's kids. No need to shit the bed over it.

Ladybyrd · 27/02/2022 11:29

That sounds quite spiteful. It is set in stone that the kids have to be in the bath at 6.30? You can't even waive that for his birthday?

It sounds like a right laugh at your house.

Gazorpazorp · 27/02/2022 11:29

MiL has already been given the suggestion of doing bathtime and putting her grandson to bed and she still isn’t happy. OP is not unreasonable to tell MiL to do one.

Whydidimarryhim · 27/02/2022 11:31

Just tell her no then - that doesn’t work for you.
She may still come though.

Ladybyrd · 27/02/2022 11:31

Also, 2 parties for a 3 year old? Our son didn't really understand what birthdays were all about at that age.

BillyBarryBoo · 27/02/2022 11:34

I am surprised people are in agreement with the Granny.
OP has planned the afternoon/evening with wind-down time beginning at 6:30 - bath, story, bed , whatever, with the aim of having DC asleep by 7:30 or 8.
Now Granny wants to come at 6:30, that's 15 mins of coming in, coats off, cup of tea. Then a big fuss of Birthday Boy (lovely). Ripping off wrapping paper, new presents, have to play with them, read the new book etc. Child is now at 7:30pm still hyped up. Then another half hour of cuddles with grandma "oh he can't go to bed yet, sit on grandma's knee "
Mil will leave around 8 leaving a child who is still hyped up but now an hour and a half more tired.
OP then has to begin bed time at 8 with child way more hyper, way more tired.
Child gets to sleep at 9:30 or 10, not 7:30 or 8

334bu · 27/02/2022 11:35

MiL has already been given the suggestion of doing bathtime and putting her grandson to bed and she still isn’t happy. OP is not unreasonable to tell MiL to do one.

I would have thought that being able to spend one on one time with grandson, putting him to bed, reading a story etc, would be welcomed by most grandmothers. OP is not being unreasonable but grandmother is.

Gazorpazorp · 27/02/2022 11:38

@BillyBarryBoo

I am surprised people are in agreement with the Granny. OP has planned the afternoon/evening with wind-down time beginning at 6:30 - bath, story, bed , whatever, with the aim of having DC asleep by 7:30 or 8. Now Granny wants to come at 6:30, that's 15 mins of coming in, coats off, cup of tea. Then a big fuss of Birthday Boy (lovely). Ripping off wrapping paper, new presents, have to play with them, read the new book etc. Child is now at 7:30pm still hyped up. Then another half hour of cuddles with grandma "oh he can't go to bed yet, sit on grandma's knee " Mil will leave around 8 leaving a child who is still hyped up but now an hour and a half more tired. OP then has to begin bed time at 8 with child way more hyper, way more tired. Child gets to sleep at 9:30 or 10, not 7:30 or 8
This. That horrible feeling when you’re exhausted and can’t go to sleep because you’re wired. It’s pretty cruel to make a child feel this just because granny is a self-centred prima donna who HAS to see her grandson on his birthday but won’t muck in and do bathtime.
Kitkat151 · 27/02/2022 11:39

I have recently had this situation....I said to my DD I will pop round after work ( and after the birthday tea).....it was actually later than 6.30....my DD said ‘that’s fine Mum’..... I guess some people are more flexible and obliging than others🙄

OhWhyNot · 27/02/2022 11:39

What a fuss over nothing

She comes round after present given time with granny

It’s not going to be a day of routine anyway

Dinoteeth · 27/02/2022 11:40

@IDidntKnowItWasAParty
It's a weekend, family softplay party, very Granny friendly
And a kids 2/3 year olds twenty of them in the big house & garden after nursery school during working hours. Granny can't make it and isn't welcome any way.
Which is a shame as all of the kids will arrive with their adults many will be Grannies as mums will be working and a fair chunk will likely have siblings in tow too.

I'd would think I'd rather have the family and friends that I really know and trust in the house rather than a bunch of nursery friends and adults, esp as 2/3 year olds can't really que for the loo so are likely to end up in every toilet in the house inc ensuit.

Ops either on the wind up or hasn't though it through.

Iamkmackered1979 · 27/02/2022 11:41

Why does he need 2 parties
Good luck getting him to bed after your house has been ransacked by 20 3yr olds - just let his grandma come and say happy birthday to him it’s his birthday he’ll likely be quite hyper and excited anyway, rather you than me though mine got one party with friends and a birthday tea on the day with Immediate family only especially if it’s a school day.
Grandparents came to party or dropped in after school had some cake and left after a while

Nelliephant1 · 27/02/2022 11:41

@DietrichandDiMaggio

I'm glad I'm not teaching the boy and his friends the next day.

He's turning 3, so the OP is talking about a group of 2 and 3 year olds - they are not a school class and their education is not going to be affected.

I'm very well aware of the age of the child and the fact that the class will not be being taught Shakespeare or algebra, but thanks for pointing it out 🙄

On the off chance that you're not deliberately missing my point or just generally mischief making, I'll clarify.

A "class" of 3 yr olds be them at playgroup, toddlers or nursery (note, I'm not talking about higher education or university or phd studies) are still expected to take part in activities (some with a focus on learning - shock horror!! 😱)

They still have to pay attention to things and other people, follow rules for safety etc Some of these children may well still be excited from the day before, some are likely to have been later to bed and as a result be bit cranky and grumpy all of which will definitely make the next day more of a challenge for the nursery staff, teacher, lecturer or professor (just so I'm covering everything in case you decide to pick me up again 🤫)

Having been the person in charge of such a group of children, events can and do have a knock on effect to the next day, hence my, "I'm glad I'm not teaching the boy...." etc etc. 🙄

Amnotamug · 27/02/2022 11:41

I think you are being petty…it’s lovely that MIL wants to see him on his birthday.You are very naive to think that son will be in bath at 630pm after all those kids there !
MIL could have a quiet time with him to calm down before bed…bathtime can be dropped.

expatmigrant · 27/02/2022 11:42

What @Easterbunnyiswindowshopping said!
And have another glass of wine...