Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say MIL can't see DS on his birthday

342 replies

ncforthisone22 · 27/02/2022 09:02

It's DS birthday next month. It falls on a weekday. We are doing a softplay party for family and friends the weekend before and a birthday tea with his school class at home on the day starting at 3pm. I didn't want to try to combine the events as too many people.

MIL has been invited to join us at either or both events. She doesn't want to come to the softplay as it's "not her thing" and the birthday tea is during working hours. She has told DH that she will come to our house after work (6.30pm) on DS birthday so that she can give him her presents and spend some time with him.

I really feel this doesn't work for us. The kids are in the bath by 6.30 and DS will be exhausted after a morning at school plus an afternoon party. The house will be a tip and the idea of MIL arriving just after we've Gorran rid of 20 3 year olds fills me with dread.

For context, MIL has form for only ever doing things on her terms.

AIBU to say no to a post party visit?

OP posts:
Rainartist · 27/02/2022 10:18

Posted to soon,

She doesn't get to dictate the plans to her satisfaction, if she is a bit controlling like that.

londonrach · 27/02/2022 10:19

Yabu . It's his birthday...I bet seeing his granny at the end of the day make day perfect. Can't you skip bath that night.

girlabouthome · 27/02/2022 10:21

YANBU
Sounds like it's all on her terms.

Soft play not a 70 old's thing? No Sh Sherlock! It's her grandson's party and you make the effort.

These moments are precious and if I've learnt anything over the years it's to make your life how you want it - she is living her life by these rules (or attempting to) so why aren't you?

Thesearmsofmine · 27/02/2022 10:24

YABU frankly I can’t blame her for not wanting to go to a soft play party, they are awful plus she wouldn’t be able to see DGS there anyway as he will be busy playing. She can’t come to the tea because she is at work(unless you expect her to take time off to go to it?).

SonicStars · 27/02/2022 10:26

If she can't come over on school nights till after bedtime surely the easiest solution is to find time at the weekend before or after for her to give him gifts and watch him play with them.

You're not being unreasonable saying no to that time on his birthday, but I don't think it's unreasonable to make time for grandparents outside of parties.

Sounds like she's fine with missing cake and singing and watching him have fun with friends. Just some quiet time just for them. Maybe time it in the afternoon so you don't have to feed them, just some tea and biscuits or leftover cake. Be firm about the late night but appreciative about the sentiment.

StillUp · 27/02/2022 10:26

I get it OP. Both my (otherwise lovely) DM and DMIL like things done to suit them and it often makes our plans much more difficult. However, I think on this occasion you kind of have to suck it up. Like a PP said, he’s already going to be hyped up and out of his usual routine anyway. It would be a shame to stop her seeing him on his birthday (and if she’s working at the time of the party then she’s hardly being unreasonable to not come then!) If you do say no you look like the bad guy and like you’re being inflexible/deliberately awkward rather than her.

If she has form for being awkward then by all means put some boundaries in place at some point, but I don’t think his birthday is the time to do it for the first time without making yourself look unreasonable.

Chloemol · 27/02/2022 10:26

Just tell her she can come at 6.30 but it’s his bath time and then bed, so she can come earlier, say 5,30 straight after work to see him open his presents and play with them, or come at 6.30 pm and help with bath time and bed

Which would she like to do

Theworldisfullofgs · 27/02/2022 10:28

I don't understand why this is a big deal.

Spudina · 27/02/2022 10:29

It may be inconvenient to you but you are lucky you have a MIL who wants to see your DS on his birthday. Not everyone has that. My own MIL died before my children were born but would have loved them. You can suck it up for one day.

Sunnymummy8 · 27/02/2022 10:29

Mine would be the same.. but not help tidy or muck in with bath time.. expect tea and cake and a fuss made of her.. your family and your routine.. you have given two options.. maybe offer to come before soft play or after at home? Good luck

tuesday2am · 27/02/2022 10:30

I can see both sides; if your MIL has form for always wanting things on her own terms then I can understand your frustration - however, a grandmother wanting to come over to see her grandson on his birthday after his party is finished is not unreasonable at all. She won’t get a chance to see him properly at either event, so can fully appreciate her wanting to spend some proper time with him. If I were you I’d try to change your perspective on the situation. Your MIL clearly wants to see her grandson and spend that time with him, you can absolutely change your routine for a night.

Sunnymummy8 · 27/02/2022 10:31

I’m sure she is well meaning like mine but sometimes I wish that we could all be more honest with each other..

clpsmum · 27/02/2022 10:31

@Greenqueen40

Its one night a year on her gransons birthday, I'm sure you could miss the bath for a night and tidy around her!
This
clpsmum · 27/02/2022 10:32

I wish my children had a grandparent that wanted to see them on their birthday tbh

liquidrevolution · 27/02/2022 10:33

He's 3. He wont know which day it is let alone which day is his birthday. She can come the day after for tea. Or even better do tea at hers.

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 27/02/2022 10:34

Every plan we make has to be exactly what suits her, regardless of whether it's convenient for anyone else

I don't mean this nastily but she could say you're doing the same.

If your MIL can't accept the house will be a tip after a child's party then fair enough, I wouldn't want her round either. But I suspect she knows what houses are like after parties from her own experience.

I'm all for routine but life will be very difficult if you have to stick so rigidly to them. Ask your MIL if she can come a little earlier, if not , tell her the DCs will be in the bath by 7. She can help with bathtime, and gives her 30 mins with him for presents and cuddles. After such an exciting day, he will likely need a longer wind down time anyway. Follow the same routine, just 30 mins later.

Migrainesbythedozen · 27/02/2022 10:36

For goodness sake put on your big woman pants and say NO! She either comes to softplay or she can post his presents. Plans are only made to suit her, because you (and your husband) allow it. CFer manipulators run the agenda because people like you allow it. Why can't you just say no, that doesn't suit us, if you can't come to Softplay then can you put his gift in the post. It really is as simple as that. Easy. Just say it. The sooner you start saying it, the sooner she will realise she can't always get her way. Start today.

Heronwatcher · 27/02/2022 10:36

As a one off I’d be fine with this but maybe set some boundaries beforehand (half an hour/ no sweets/ cake before bed etc). She will have a supremely shit time at a soft play, they are really not the place for extended family to interact with the kids. And she can’t do the other occasion as she’s working. This does sound a little bit like it’s more about you and your MIL butting heads than what your son will enjoy. One night will really make no difference to his sleep pattern and he can just have a longer lap next day.

Kjr33 · 27/02/2022 10:40

Do you work? It seems you haven’t considered the fact she does into your plans so she is probably feeling a bit left out. Just say if she can come as early as possible you can push bathtime bedtime as far as possible then there should be time for a bit of special time for baby and Nan.

ZenNudist · 27/02/2022 10:41

Well if you've got the energy for 20 kids in your house on a school night then I think you can manage a visit from mil. I'd have kept his birthday for family and celebrated with friends at the weekend. 630 isn't even late and you don't need to stand on ceremony for family. If anything she can entertain the dc while you clear up. You don't need to start bath at 630 unless there is a relevant drip feed to explain that particular requirement. I'm struggling to think of anything.

Sounds like you just don't like MIL are flexible enough to bend to a full on 20 guest tea party after school but not to have a guest who loves your dc and wants to see them on their birthday.

Gazorpazorp · 27/02/2022 10:41

MiL is being selfish. She’s thinking about what she wants, not about what is in DS’s best interests. She wants to see him open her present and play with it so she can feel good. It’s all about her. No doubt she’ll moan if DS is too tired and grumpy to perform how she wants him to!

SNUG2022 · 27/02/2022 10:41

I think you're being mean. Just have dome retorts ready if she makes comments about messy house etc. E.g. yes, a sign of a great day! Feel free to tidy up!

RedskyThisNight · 27/02/2022 10:47

I think you are not being unreasonable to ask that MIL sees her GC at a time that suits you . But I don't think a soft play party is really a great option for a grandparent to see their GC on their birthday either - they will basically be sitting and watching the child with no interaction.

so I think you need to look for a compromise that suits both of you.

ZenNudist · 27/02/2022 10:47

Actually rereading this it looks as if this might be a wind up. Who has 2 huge parties for a 3 year old but can't make time for granny? You just push all the buttons of the MIL haters but anyone would know that a) soft play is the party for the dc, b) tea party on actual birthday is for family and c) expecting her to come during work hours is not on.

LosingTheWill2022 · 27/02/2022 10:48

MiL is being selfish. She’s thinking about what she wants, not about what is in DS’s best interests
It's very easy to turn that on its head and say OP is being selfish and not wanting what's in her ds's best interests. Prioritising 2 big parties including one midweek rather than supporting the relationship with a grandparent ...
The reality is probably they are both are more alike than either would care to admit.