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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say MIL can't see DS on his birthday

342 replies

ncforthisone22 · 27/02/2022 09:02

It's DS birthday next month. It falls on a weekday. We are doing a softplay party for family and friends the weekend before and a birthday tea with his school class at home on the day starting at 3pm. I didn't want to try to combine the events as too many people.

MIL has been invited to join us at either or both events. She doesn't want to come to the softplay as it's "not her thing" and the birthday tea is during working hours. She has told DH that she will come to our house after work (6.30pm) on DS birthday so that she can give him her presents and spend some time with him.

I really feel this doesn't work for us. The kids are in the bath by 6.30 and DS will be exhausted after a morning at school plus an afternoon party. The house will be a tip and the idea of MIL arriving just after we've Gorran rid of 20 3 year olds fills me with dread.

For context, MIL has form for only ever doing things on her terms.

AIBU to say no to a post party visit?

OP posts:
GlimmerGreyGreen · 27/02/2022 09:51

She’ll be having all those kids plus parents and siblings for tea. 5 would be a nightmare 🤣
Another vote for you being unreasonable

Mrsmch123 · 27/02/2022 09:51

For one night I would let her. I can't imagine anything worse than having to go to soft play to visit a relative. I think it's quite mean tbh. If your son is really tiered just say he's tiered we are going to get him bathed and cut it short. Chances are he will be excited at getting more presents.

cptartapp · 27/02/2022 09:52

No family members ever came to soft play parties for either of my DC. Or to school friends parties.
We did smaller family gatherings with more quality time. If they ever help you out with the DC, it's thoughtful at least to recognise that, treat them differently and separate the two.
MIL gets to bath and play with DC for an hour whilst you and DH tidy up.
Being a bit late to bed now and then is no biggie. He's not twelve months old. When they're older you'll see that, when mine were 3 I'd have thought the same as you but you live and learn.

LosingTheWill2022 · 27/02/2022 09:52

Wanting to come and see a 3 year old and spend time from 6.30pm is silly. He'll be getting very tired by then.

I think OP's decision to have a whole class party for 3 year olds on a school night is the sillier choice. I'd be irritated as another parent that I had a hyped up 3 year old to get settled and up the next day .

We always did parties at a weekend and saw immediate family on the day if possible. And that would be 6 pm or later as people including us parents work

Sceptre86 · 27/02/2022 09:54

I can understand your annoyance at her always posing another suggestion especially one that doesn't work for you. I'd probably still let her still come and do presents and then pick him up and take him to bed at 7.30pm so she gets an hour with him and then he has to get to bed. If she protests or not it doesn't matter because you've picked him up and removed him from the room. Any protests are left with your oh to deal with. Your oh really needs to put boundaries in place with his mother.

Immunetypegoblin · 27/02/2022 09:54

Let her come and then watch quietly while your DS howls the place down and doesn't give her the nice reception she is expecting (because he will be knackered). Let your DH negotiate said howling.

You'll hear muttering afterwards that the party was obviously far too much for him but hopefully she will realise her plan is stupid and will benefit no one.

Houseplantmad · 27/02/2022 09:54

YABU. The party is a mad idea on a week night. Let granny see him. You seem v controlling.

vivainsomnia · 27/02/2022 09:55

I just don't think that's what's in DS's best interests
No, it's not what is in YOUR best interest!

Of course she doesn't want to come to his party. He won't want to spend time with his nanny but play with his friends. She won't know anyone, it will be manic.

She would have probably love to come to the family event but she's working, she can't help that. Coming later is the iy reasonable option.

It's his birthday, of course he should see his nan on that day. How can you prevent it to both of them because it doesn't suit you? Very selfish.

Whisky4mum · 27/02/2022 09:56

YANBU. Time to start setting and enforcing reasonable boundaries with MIL. She shouldn't get to dictate to you and DH. She is not the parent... you and DH make decisions on what is best for your child. No one else gets to have an opinion on that IMHO

Nearlyadoctor · 27/02/2022 09:56

I’m with you op, she’s been offered to come to soft play with everyone else and it doesn’t suit her tbh tough it’s not about her.

My Dd is now nearly 15 but my MIL was exactly the same - everything has always had to be on her terms. One year Dd’s 3rd birthday I was working so Dd was at nursery all day. Nursery did a lovely party for her so I knew she’d be shattered when she got home so spoke to my mum and MIL and said if they would like to come over after tea for some cake that would be lovely. MIL also had form for bringing great granny as well who had dementia and Dd was quite frightened by her. I stipulated that it was just to be both the grannies. MIL turned up nearly an hour late with Great Granny in tow.

I’m nearly NC with her now many years later as I’m too old to put up with her manipulative ways.

HumunaHey · 27/02/2022 09:57

@lollipoprainbow

First world problems Hmm
Aren't about 95% of the posts on MN first world problems? Confused
C8H10N4O2 · 27/02/2022 09:59

How other people organise parties is irrelevant - you and DH have presumably organised in the way that works for your family and friends and lets face it - at this age the parties are more events for the families and parents than the child.

DS will be likely be hyper after the party anyway. One more visitor isn't likely to make that much difference and gets it over and done with.

You main issue seems to be the pattern. If that is the case then let it go for this week but you and DH need to work out how much of a problem it is. If its a real and ongoing problem then plan to deal with it effectively, if its more the irritations that arise from different people being tied together then just practice eye rolling and let it go as different strokes.

Hadjab · 27/02/2022 10:00

@JoyOrbison

You can cope with 30 kids at your house but not your MIL at 6:30?

Be honest, is this one of those 'I don't like my mother in law posts'? It's hrr grandson's birthday, of course she wamts to see him - a soft play isn't ideal and neither is a party for 30 kids. You are effectively saying to your MIL you'll put yourself out for 30 kids in the house but not her.

Real what you sow... Is this how you would want your ds and partner treating you when he's older?

Absolutely all of this!
reluctantbrit · 27/02/2022 10:01

Easy, let her come on the day of his birthday, you hand a overhyped child over to granny, let her deal with him while you tidy up the party aftermath and pour yourself a drink.

Just make sure she knows she has to put him to bed as well.

Get your DH to be at home as well and they can deal with it.

Ionlydomassiveones · 27/02/2022 10:04

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

SpilltheTea · 27/02/2022 10:05

He'll probably be too tired for all that by then. I'd let her come for a quick visit and give him a short bath after, but only you know if she's the type to take the piss. Why can't she come the day before or after?

DDivaStar · 27/02/2022 10:08

The soft play party is great for nct and family with children but if your mil won't be climbing around the soft play she probably won't actually see much of the birthday boy. I can completely understand her wanting a little quiet time to see him around his birthday.

saraclara · 27/02/2022 10:10

In one hand you have mumsnetters who are sad that their kids have GPs who aren't interested in them, and then you have the ones whose kids have GPs who love them. If they're lucky enough to have the latter, then those GPs will of course want a little bit of quality time and closeness on their birthdays.

It's disingenuous to suggest that she's been given two choices. She hasn't. One of those 'choices' is when she's at work. And as a pp said, she'll not really see him at soft play as he'll be off in the middle of it with his friends.

I honestly don't see the big deal. And I suspect that if you liked her it wouldn't bother you at all.

Neenawneenaw76 · 27/02/2022 10:12

I get you on this OP, coming at 6.30pm on a school day is going to be a nightmare, by the time they've opened presents and played with them, you've got to get them in the bath and to bed, you'll be lucky to get them down by 9 which will have a knock on to the next day, I'd say no tbh.

PinkTonic · 27/02/2022 10:14

@ncforthisone22

I don't have a big history with MIL but this is a pattern. Every plan we make has to be exactly what suits her, regardless of whether it's convenient for anyone else
Sounds like six of one and half a dozen to me. You can throw a whole class party at home and that won’t disrupt his routine, but Granny popping over afterwards is just too much? You’re being difficult and that’s probably the pattern.
LuckySantangelo35 · 27/02/2022 10:16

His routine will be all over the place anyway on that day so really don’t see how it could hurt.
Just let her come over and she can take over with your DS and you can get a breather - use it to either tidy up or better still have a bit of time to yourself- cheeky glass of wine, bath etc. Win!

Duracellbunnywannabe · 27/02/2022 10:16

I wouldn’t invite my family to either softplay or tea party unless they also had young children. I would arrange an alternative.

Rainartist · 27/02/2022 10:16

@ncforthisone22

I don't have a big history with MIL but this is a pattern. Every plan we make has to be exactly what suits her, regardless of whether it's convenient for anyone else
If this is the case and DH is on board just say no, come to either birthday event or X date/time (at your convenience) just her. I do get she might want to have 1:1 time with him and new toys but doesn't have to be his birthday if you say he won't settle after
Viviennemary · 27/02/2022 10:17

Ridiculous! Let her come.

peboh · 27/02/2022 10:17

Soft play isn't for grown ups though, nor is a party of toddlers running around. She wants to actually watch her grandson open his gifts, and play with him one on one for a little while on his birthday!
The class party at his house on a school day is going to disrupt his sleeping pattern much more than nana popping in for an hour. He's going to be overexcited, and less likely to play ball with bath and bed.