To say MIL can't see DS on his birthday

[ncforthisone22]

It's DS birthday next month. It falls on a weekday. We are doing a softplay party for family and friends the weekend before and a birthday tea with his school class at home on the day starting at 3pm. I didn't want to try to combine the events as too many people.

MIL has been invited to join us at either or both events. She doesn't want to come to the softplay as it's "not her thing" and the birthday tea is during working hours. She has told DH that she will come to our house after work (6.30pm) on DS birthday so that she can give him her presents and spend some time with him.

I really feel this doesn't work for us. The kids are in the bath by 6.30 and DS will be exhausted after a morning at school plus an afternoon party. The house will be a tip and the idea of MIL arriving just after we've Gorran rid of 20 3 year olds fills me with dread.

For context, MIL has form for only ever doing things on her terms.

AIBU to say no to a post party visit?

YABU. Your MIL is not selfish, she may be fussy and inflexible in terms of arrangements but she would love to see her grandson on his big day, as I'm sure he would as well.

@ZenNudist

Actually rereading this it looks as if this might be a wind up. Who has 2 huge parties for a 3 year old but can't make time for granny? You just push all the buttons of the MIL haters but anyone would know that a) soft play is the party for the dc, b) tea party on actual birthday is for family and c) expecting her to come during work hours is not on.

I think you might be right. Other things don't add up either, school vs nursery, How many people are able to take kids to a party on a Wednesday at 3pm? Do very rural areas have big softplays?

I'd just let this one go. It's one day on his birthday, one late night won't cause any harm and he will probably enjoy seeing his nan and gearing spoilt. Just clean up around her.

Who the fuck wants another person outwith the imitate family in their home after such a busy day, especially one who isn't there to help but indulge her own agenda. I have a 3yo, and I know that he would be beyond himself with exhaustion after having so many kids around and all the excitement that that entails. The last thing he would need was another adult insisting on starting another play time full of excitement right in the middle of his bedtime routine. See her the weekend after and do another little cake or something then he gets 3 birthday things he's not going to complain about having presents to open a few days later, in fact he will love it.

I am a nana and a very hands on one, I love my dgs to infinity and beyond but frankly I think softplay and childrens parties are the seventh circle of hell and if I can get out of going I certainly would (theres not even wine at softplay to help soften the blow ffs)

I think OP you are just being totally controlling and petty, all the woman wants to do is drop in, hand over present and play a little, I think you just don't like her and want to assert your authority, your child will need to wind down a little before bed so unless nana has bought an arsenal of nerf guns and intends a war in the living room stop being such a misery, birthdays are special when you are little, my heart broke for my little chap when he asked why he could'nt have a friend for tea on his birthday during lockdown, just let your hair down and go with the flow, you will find life is much more fun that that way.

Let her come, relax with a cup of tea or a glass of wine, let your husband entertain her, let your son see his nan. It’s annoyed you but it really isn’t enough of a big deal to upset anyone over. One day you may really need her help with something, it’s give and take in family relationships

@RandomMess

Invite her for breakfast instead?

The 20 for tea on the day sounds insane and too overwhelming tbh.

I'm glad I'm not teaching the boy and his friends the next day. It's a bonkers plan, it'll be interesting to see if everyone comes or if other parents realise what a potential disaster this'll be!!!

Is she talking about popping in for a cup of tea, bit of cake and to give him his present? For one day which is his birthday, I wouldn't see the big deal.

What horrible relationships people have. Grandma has been given two 'options'. Wtf? She's his grandma ffs! And having to 'entertain' her and 'the place will be a mess'! Again, she's his grandma ffs! She just wants to see HIM. Just clear up while she's hugging him and giving him a present. It's not a big deal! Jeez.

We have just come out of 2 years of restrictions. Let his Nana come and see her beloved Grandson on his birthday.
I think it’s lovely she wants to be involved. I’m a Grandmother and honestly it’s the best thing so let your mother in law enjoy the day too.
Life is just to short for arguments like this honestly.
Hope your son has a lovely day x

Is everything always on her terms of is she using the Mumsnet mantra "I'm sorry but that doesn't work for me".

Can the kid not have a little flexibility on his birthday?

Take it from the parent of adults, such rigidity really isnt good for little ones. Sometimes it's ok to let loose a little, the world won't implode because he had his bath an hour late and granny came to visit on his special day.

YANBU OP, and I say that as the granny in this equation. I leave the on the day stuff to the other grandparents and go up to visit the next day. The GCs don't care if I'm not there on the day as they are 1. busy and 2. very happy to have an extra 'birthday'. The day after can be a big comedown for small children so granny appearing with extra presents is a way round that. We have a relaxing time with left over cake and everybody is happy!

6:30 is so early for a bedtime and does he really have to have a bath everyday including his birthday. I don't see that there would be a massive issue if she came round and if she's playing with your son it gives a chance for you and DH to tidy up.

I love to see my GC on their birthdays, even if it's just for 15 mins to drop off their present. She's working so she can't come earlier. Surely half an hour at 6.30 isn't going to hurt just for once?

@Andouillette

YANBU OP, and I say that as the granny in this equation. I leave the on the day stuff to the other grandparents and go up to visit the next day. The GCs don't care if I'm not there on the day as they are 1. busy and 2. very happy to have an extra 'birthday'. The day after can be a big comedown for small children so granny appearing with extra presents is a way round that. We have a relaxing time with left over cake and everybody is happy!

This is a very wise granny!

This is a joke surely?
You happily invite a horde of kids over after school for a party but his own DGM can't pop in at 6.30 as it will disrupt his routine?!!!
WTAF.

Would you be posting the same thread if it was your own mother? Course you wouldn't 🤔

@peboh

Soft play isn't for grown ups though, nor is a party of toddlers running around. She wants to actually watch her grandson open his gifts, and play with him one on one for a little while on his birthday! The class party at his house on a school day is going to disrupt his sleeping pattern much more than nana popping in for an hour. He's going to be overexcited, and less likely to play ball with bath and bed.

No, soft play is for little kids i.e. the person who's birthday it is. What if everyone in his life wanted to watch him open his gift and play with him one one i.e. not take up either of the options presented to them and visit in their own special time?

You slot into what is already planned. You don't make it about you. It would be one thing if MIL had asked if OP and DH mind her popping over in the evening, but she has told them. Rude and inconsiderate imo.

I think you're being a bit precious - I think he'll enjoy seeing his gran separately from his friends. It's one day of the year. Give her a time limit and let her see him.
Not sure why you're doing a party on a school night and then one during working hours.

I think YABU.

She won't be able to spend time with her grandson at a soft-play party full of screaming toddlers - he'll be too busy with his friends to care about granny being there and it'll be noisy, hot and unpleasant.

She can't attend the other party as she's working - hardly her fault.

Coming round for an hour at 6.30pm seems fine to me. She can give him his present, have a bit of cake and then give him a bath and put him to bed.

I have a lot of grandchildren. I always see them on their actual birthday. My lovely dil always makes time for me even if it's a quick present drop and a hug. My other children do the same. It's not difficult and it makes me and my grandkids happy. Be a bit more flexible for one day a year.

@istandwithukraine

Would you be posting the same thread if it was your own mother? Course you wouldn't 🤔

Would her own mother dictate everything was on her terms, @istandwithukraine ? Probably not.

YANBU. This would’ve resulted in my DS’s being overtired, whiney and tearful the whole of the next day. And it’s me that has to deal with that, while MIL sails off into the peace and quiet.

I would always go with what was on offer. Not make up my own additional arrangements and force them on my adult child and his spouse.

It’s like when people say, oh just keep them up late and then they’ll lie in the next morning When you know they’ll be up at 6am sharp as usual and whinge with overtiredness all day.

Obviously, you're the parent so it's your choice,
but personally, I think you're being quite mean and far too rigid about your routine. You clearly don't like MIL but she is your DH's mum and your DC's grandmother. Surely you could be a little more accommodating?!