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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for my friends flights?

371 replies

scenesfromamarriage · 26/02/2022 18:20

My friends 40th was in December, I didn't get her anything but sent a card and said I would take her away for a weekend. She was very happy with that, we are very close friends so doing things for big birthdays isn't unusual. We were looking for a log cabin type thing but then I thought why don't we go back to a city we visited and lived together 20 years ago. I suggested this and she said brilliant idea and she was happy to do that!

I booked the hotel last night for three nights for both of us (a lovely hotel) and I booked my flight (we are flying from different airports and meeting there).

When I told her I had booked this she said, 'perfect, so will I just book my own flight and you will send the money over after?'

I said that I was of the idea that I would just pay the hotel and that we would pay our own flights. She said okay.

This morning I have received this message, 'I'm really sorry after speaking to (husband) I really can't afford to go, I realised that my passport needs renewed and the flights on top of that is too much. It's also an expensive city and I'm so sorry I didn't take this into consideration before agreeing. I just cannot afford the flights and if I knew they weren't part of the gift I would never have agreed in the first place and would have suggested we stay in the UK. We are really struggling just now with finances, very stressed about all the increases and it's just not manageable. I'm really sorry again.'

I am incredibly upset as I have spent the money on not only the hotel but my own flights. Going by her message it appears she wants me to pay for her flights, I'm not sure why she would assume that I was doing that in the first place?

AIBU?

OP posts:
sparklefarts · 26/02/2022 18:21

Er yeah if someone said they were taking me away I'd expect to be taken away...including flights.

This is on you. Big time.

Idontevenknow · 26/02/2022 18:21

I'm sorry but I can actually see where she is coming from with the language used

TheSnowyOwl · 26/02/2022 18:21

YABU. You said you would take her away and you suggested somewhere abroad.

MiniCooperLover · 26/02/2022 18:22

I'm sorry OP but yes you are. You said you'd take her away for a weekend and then suggested somewhere that needed flights. Why would she NOT think you were paying?

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 26/02/2022 18:22

Unless you specifically said you weren’t paying for the flights I’d have assumed you were. Her decision to accept was based on this, if it was clear from the outset wasn’t you meant she may have declined the offer based on affordability.
I would assume she is also upset.

sparklefarts · 26/02/2022 18:22

To add - I'm actually gobsmacked at you, and think this must be a reverse?

dementedpixie · 26/02/2022 18:23

You said you'd take her away for the weekend. That suggests to me that you're paying for it all.

WashableVelvet · 26/02/2022 18:23

If a friend offered to take me away for the weekend and they suggested x city, I’d assume they were getting us there.

TeaStory · 26/02/2022 18:23

YABU, it’s a miscommunication but I’m on her side. You said you “would take her away for the weekend”, it’s not unreasonable that she thought it meant you’d cover transport & accommodation.

NuffSaidSam · 26/02/2022 18:23

I'm not sure why she would assume that I was doing that in the first place?

Because you said you would take her away for a weekend.

YABU.

WhatsitWiggle · 26/02/2022 18:23

Probably because you offered to take her away for the weekend.

When you changed the plan from UK to overseas, did you explain then you only intended to cover the accommodation?

TrashyPanda · 26/02/2022 18:23

Sorry, but I agree with your friend.

SleepingStandingUp · 26/02/2022 18:23

You offered to take her away. I'd totally assume in that scenario you're paying for travel and accommodation OR you're going to be upfront and say "I'll cover accommodation"

BIWI · 26/02/2022 18:23

I would also be expecting you to be paying if you had offered to take me away!

But that said, I think her email to you was perfectly polite and well expressed. Down to you to apologise for the miscommunication I think.

You also seem to have ignored the bit where she said she was struggling financially, and just posted about how upset you are - so I think you need to have a hard word with yourself there.

RealBecca · 26/02/2022 18:24

Agree with your friend x

Seafog · 26/02/2022 18:24

Reverse?

Tohaveandtohold · 26/02/2022 18:24

I think YABU.
You should have been clear that your ‘gift’ was only the hotel booking and not say ‘you’ll take her away for a weekend’
What you said made it seem like you’re treating her for her birthday and that means you’ll cover the cost.

RestingPandaFace · 26/02/2022 18:25

I’d have assumed that the weekend away included flights too unless you specified that you’d pay for the hotel.

Hoppinggreen · 26/02/2022 18:25

If you “take someone away” to a place that involves a flight then it’s perfectly reasonable to assume you are paying for the flights

TheUndoingProject · 26/02/2022 18:25

It’s an unfortunate miscommunication, but I in your friend’s shoes I would also have thought that you were offering to pay for travel and accommodation.

TheChippendenSpook · 26/02/2022 18:25

This reads like a reverse but the one who suggest going away as a birthday present and then not
paying for all of it is the unreasonable one.

SingleHandSue · 26/02/2022 18:25

Her message doesn’t read like she expects you to pay her flights at all. It’s an honest message saying that money is tight for her.

It’s very kind of you to take your friend away for her birthday and I’m sure she’s very embarrassed that she has to tell you she can’t afford it so don’t let it spoil your friendship.

Chikapu · 26/02/2022 18:27

You said you were taking her away, that really does imply that you're paying for everything.

CallmeHendricks · 26/02/2022 18:27

I think she's been put in a very awkward position and she sent a nicely-worded message. If you can afford to pay for her flight, I think you should, if you value the friendship.

RozHuntleysStump · 26/02/2022 18:27

Poor woman. You’ve humiliated her.

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