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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for my friends flights?

371 replies

scenesfromamarriage · 26/02/2022 18:20

My friends 40th was in December, I didn't get her anything but sent a card and said I would take her away for a weekend. She was very happy with that, we are very close friends so doing things for big birthdays isn't unusual. We were looking for a log cabin type thing but then I thought why don't we go back to a city we visited and lived together 20 years ago. I suggested this and she said brilliant idea and she was happy to do that!

I booked the hotel last night for three nights for both of us (a lovely hotel) and I booked my flight (we are flying from different airports and meeting there).

When I told her I had booked this she said, 'perfect, so will I just book my own flight and you will send the money over after?'

I said that I was of the idea that I would just pay the hotel and that we would pay our own flights. She said okay.

This morning I have received this message, 'I'm really sorry after speaking to (husband) I really can't afford to go, I realised that my passport needs renewed and the flights on top of that is too much. It's also an expensive city and I'm so sorry I didn't take this into consideration before agreeing. I just cannot afford the flights and if I knew they weren't part of the gift I would never have agreed in the first place and would have suggested we stay in the UK. We are really struggling just now with finances, very stressed about all the increases and it's just not manageable. I'm really sorry again.'

I am incredibly upset as I have spent the money on not only the hotel but my own flights. Going by her message it appears she wants me to pay for her flights, I'm not sure why she would assume that I was doing that in the first place?

AIBU?

OP posts:
AnnaSW1 · 26/02/2022 18:52

Can't believe this is real, but if it is, it's really your fault.

TicTacHoh · 26/02/2022 18:53

AIBU?

Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes

NO I'M NOT!!

Classic.

Rivermonsters · 26/02/2022 18:53

YABU. Id be upset if I was your friend, how much are the flights anyway?

TheBestofTimesTheWorstofTimes · 26/02/2022 18:54

Hey friend I will treat you and be a bigshot and take you away for the weekend!! But you have to get yourself there..."

Not REALLY being "taken away" then is it Grin Grin

Your poor friend, bet she was mortified having to explain why she could join you on your break

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/02/2022 18:54

"Here is your birthday present....it will cost you £300 to go and get it"

Very succinct summary!

Beaconoflight · 26/02/2022 18:55

I took a friend away for the weekend to Madrid, I paid for her flight + accommodation! We share the food and she had her own spending money. Your poor friend:(

WonderfulYou · 26/02/2022 18:55

YABU I would absolutely expect you to pay.

I personally would have offered to go halves or at least pay for the flights or some if my friend did this for me.

You said I’ll take you away for your birthday - which means you’ll pay.
You should have said shall we go away for your birthday and I’ll pay for the hotel for us both as your birthday present.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 26/02/2022 18:55

This totally on you OP, of course she wants you to cover the flights as that was what you offered! She will still need to pay for a passport, travel insurance and pay her spends when there. I think you’ve been rather thoughtless in suggesting the trip abroad and your communication has not been at all clear. I hope your friendship can survive this.

On a practical note is there a cooling off period on your flights and accommodation? Can you cancel and start again? Or change your flight to go somewhere in the Uk or Ireland so your friends doesn’t need a passport. You will still need to get her to the new destination though.

NumberTheory · 26/02/2022 18:55

I don’t know that I would 100% expect my flight to be covered, but I would certainly have expected a lot more communication about it before you booked if it wasn’t.

If you aren’t currently in the same location (you said you were flying from different airports) I can see why “Take you away for the weekend” wouldn’t automatically mean transport included. If someone in Leeds was “taking me away” to London and I lived in Swansea I wouldn’t necessarily expect them to sort out my transport to London. But, equally, I can see why someone would expect transport and hotel covered.

This is down to poor communication. I can see why you’re upset, but I don’t think you can blame your friend (who’s probably feeling disappointed and a bit embarrassed about the whole thing too). It’s just unfortunate. Try and chalk it up to experience and make the best of what you have (whether that’s trying to get a refund or going and enjoying it anyway).

Original poster
scenesfromamarriage · 26/02/2022 18:55

@Rivermonsters

YABU. Id be upset if I was your friend, how much are the flights anyway?
Only £91 and it's not until august
OP posts:
Darbs76 · 26/02/2022 18:56

Sorry I think it sounds like flights were included. Taking someone away doesn’t usually include just the hotel

blueluce85 · 26/02/2022 18:56

So what are you going to do @scenesfromamarriage now you know YABU?

BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 26/02/2022 18:56

This is all on you. You said you'd take her away for the weekend for her birthday. You pay. She brings her own spending money but you need to pay for the trip.

Originally, you'd planned a UK break and would only have has to pay accommodation. But you changed it. You wanted to fly somewhere else. That's all on you.

Pay for her flights or cancel and get back what money you can. And dont offer someone a weekend away as an gift if you're not willing to pay for flights and hotel.

BronwenFrideswide · 26/02/2022 18:57

OP if you'd said let's go somewhere for a weekend, I'll pay for the accommodation and nice evening meal as my treat then it would have been clear what you were offering to blithely say I'll take you away for the weekend it is no wonder that your friend read that as exactly as it was worded.

As always clear communication is essential so everyone knows where they are.

UnderTheSea20k · 26/02/2022 18:57

Surely this can't be real, nobody could be so utterly dense? It's not even a matter of interpretation, you're probably paying the same hotel rate as two of you anyway so if you're not paying flights then you're paying for yourself to have a holiday, and she can pay to join. Her message is lovely and she must be really upset with this situation. These are the kind of 'gifts' that would be better being a card instead. YABU

Westerman · 26/02/2022 18:57

I think your friend has been more gracious than you. It probably took a lot for her to admit they are struggling and so she can't afford to go. But you think she's wangling for you to pay? Nice way to think about a supposedly close, long-standing friend.
I hope you can realise how you gave your friend the wrong impression, accept you were wrong, and apologise.

toobusytothink · 26/02/2022 18:57

YABU. Absolutely she rightly expected you were paying for flights. It was your suggestion to go abroad. Sorry but I agree with her and would be very upset if I were her. Must have been a difficult email for her to send…

Soubriquet · 26/02/2022 18:57

Only £91?

You can pay that then. She can pay to have her passport renewed

Original poster
scenesfromamarriage · 26/02/2022 18:58

@blueluce85

So what are you going to do *@scenesfromamarriage* now you know YABU?
I'm going to pay for her flights
OP posts:
PinkGiraffe1 · 26/02/2022 18:58

Don't ask if you're being unreasonable if you can't accept that the majority (me included) thinks you are. You need to pay your friend's flights or change to a UK city. Either way you owe her an apology.

OppsUpsSide · 26/02/2022 18:58

YABU

LowlandLucky · 26/02/2022 18:58

You made the offer now stick to your words.

Seraphinesupport · 26/02/2022 18:59

yabu, you said YOU were going to take her away .. then suggested that place, that would assume you were paying for travel and accomodation

Walkingalot · 26/02/2022 18:59

You said you'd take her away for her birthday but when you changed it to a venue abroad, at that point you should have asked are you ok to pay your own flight ticket.
Hopefully you can find someone else to go with you, that has a valid passport and can pay for their flight/meals. Or, go on your own, don't waste it.
A lesson learned.

Hb12 · 26/02/2022 18:59

Well, if it is 'only' £91 I'm surprised that you didn't pick up on her cue and buy the flight.