Page 14 | To not pay for my friends flights?

wanttomarryamillionaire · 26/02/2022 23:16

This reeks of a daily fail journalist!!!

ShittyFingers · 26/02/2022 23:33

Perhaps she’s never seen the ocean?

Holskey · 26/02/2022 23:33

Yabu because you said you'd take her away. Personally, I'd never accept such a gift, but it was the gift you promised.

Then when your poor friend is humiliated, you think yourself hard done by because you've already bought your flights.

When everyone tells you yabu, you become defensive and churlish and act as though the unanimous verdict was so unreasonable as to suggest that you should even pay for spends (it wasn't).

Then you reveal the flights are only £91 and the trip doesn't take place until August which seems to imply you think your friend can afford it and has time to save up, again like you feel she's the unreasonable one (she isn't).

She probably only mentioned the passport so as to lessen your embarrassment by indicating it isn't your fault she can't afford to come.

I hope your defensiveness is only in response to the kicking you've had here and that you are more gracious to your friend who has done absolutely nothing wrong.

whynotwhatknot · 26/02/2022 23:47

i would probably have thought you meant you would pay as you offered-i would have clarified though

Murdoch1949 · 26/02/2022 23:50

You offered her a break away, didn't make terms clear, then complain when she can't afford the flights. Your friend has been brave facing you with her financial difficulties, the least you can do is pay for flights & accommodation. Meals while there can be split, as can drinks, any excursions etc. You can decide between you, where shall we eat tonight, what can we afford etc. If money is tight lunch can be a supermarket picnic, and anything else is shared too. You obviously don't need to provide 'spends', if she wants to buy something that's on her. If she's a friend, salvage this relationship.

autumncrisp · 26/02/2022 23:52

YABU - twice.

Offering to take her away and choosing a place that requires a plane Implies you're covering the cost of the travel too.

So not only has she texted you saying she's embarrassed due to the financial implications, you've now posted a very outing post about it. If she doesn't come across it here she likely will through other channels once the press get hold of it.

Your poor friend.

saraclara · 27/02/2022 00:07

It would be really awkward to clarify though, don't you think?

If someone said to me "For your 50th birthday present I'd like to take you to (expensive city)" your answer can only really be "OMG what an amazing present, thank you so much" or "I'm sorry but I can't accept that, it's way too much". I can't think of a single comfortable way to say "So what do you mean? Will you be paying for the flights or the hotel or both?" instead of either of the obvious replies.

Assuming that the giver meant what most of us think, so was being really generous, it would seem incredibly uncharitable to dig into what they're paying for"

FridayiminlovewithRobertSmith · 27/02/2022 00:07

Irrespective of who is right or wrong you friend can’t afford it. She’s shared a very honest and contrite email about that and there really is no debate.

I’ve seen you plan to pay for her flights and hope you can do so graciously and move on. Ruining a life long friendship for £90 is bonkers. If you can’t afford it maybe take the trip alone it’s not costing you any more than you’ve already spent.

surreygirl1987 · 27/02/2022 00:14

Your poor friend is probably really embarrassed. This was your error and you shouldn't be cross at her!

lightisnotwhite · 27/02/2022 00:18

To be fair I’d expect to pay the flights if my mate was paying the rest. We’ve had several 50th in my circle and whenever or whatever the do, cost gas been discussed openly.
I would definitely clarify at the planning stage what my budget was and what yours was, I might not want a treat involving a caravan holiday for 2 nights.

Ozanj · 27/02/2022 00:23

I can’t believe all the beggers and chancers on this thread who would expect the inviter to pay their flights. I personally think it’s really odd your friend expects you to fund the trip rather than just saying no she can’t come. Cheeky mare. You need to reevaluate the friendship.

Juniper68 · 27/02/2022 00:27

H
How has she responded now you've said you'll pay for her flights?

Pallisers · 27/02/2022 00:43

@Ozanj

I can’t believe all the beggers and chancers on this thread who would expect the inviter to pay their flights. I personally think it’s really odd your friend expects you to fund the trip rather than just saying no she can’t come. Cheeky mare. You need to reevaluate the friendship.

Oh dear that's exactly what the friend did - said she can't come. how sad you can't read or comprehend. Wishing you luck with that.

figuringoutmylife · 27/02/2022 01:16

That's a tricky miscommunication. I think if taking someone away that includes hotel and flights. Food may be less so, but then again if she's struggling financially that's likely something to chat about in advance.

Sounds like you've decided to pay for her flight. Hoping you can chat through other things like food etc so that there's no mismatch of expectations on the trip and that you have a lovely time.

figuringoutmylife · 27/02/2022 01:18

Although I have to add to the above, if a friend was paying for my hotel I personally wouldn't expect flights, but I can see most would.

Holskey · 27/02/2022 01:22

@Ozanj

I can’t believe all the beggers and chancers on this thread who would expect the inviter to pay their flights. I personally think it’s really odd your friend expects you to fund the trip rather than just saying no she can’t come. Cheeky mare. You need to reevaluate the friendship.

She didn't merely invite her though: she said she would take her away as a gift. Of course friend then expected that OP was going to take her away. Why wouldn't she?

I agree with PP that there's some comprehension difficulty evident in your post.

mrsbitaly · 27/02/2022 01:38

I hope your OK OP, there has been some awful things said in this post which you really don't deserve.

It was clearly a miscommunication which I'm sure you will both sort out. Whatever your plans I hope you both have lovely time.

Mamanyt · 27/02/2022 02:47

The way you phrased it, I'd have expected my flight to be paid for as well. Sorry.

If something like this comes up again, try, "If you can manage airfare, I'll pay for the lodging!"

GatoradeMeBitch · 27/02/2022 02:55

I can’t believe all the beggers and chancers on this thread who would expect the inviter to pay their flights

When someone says "I'm going to take you away for your birthday" it's reasonable to assume the actual "taking away" will be incorporated as part of the gift. Personally I wouldn't assume, but I can see how it happened.

TigerLilyTail · 27/02/2022 03:09

My guess is that it's Jackanory time.

RachHen · 27/02/2022 03:11

Ninety one quid only? Jesus. Cough up.

RachHen · 27/02/2022 03:13

Oh you’re paying for those. Apologies

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 27/02/2022 08:03

@Gizacluethen

Decency dictates you don't get someone a gift that costs them money without checking their financial situation.

This^^

@scenesfromamarriage from her message she sounds humiliated and embarrassed and yet you think, by the way you've used language, that she's just angling to get you to pay for her flights!!! You are a piece of work.
Good grief. That was the bit that stuck out for me. You've been unreasonable and yet you think she's trying to use you or something. Awful. With friends like these...

Newmumatlast · 27/02/2022 08:07

@scenesfromamarriage

My friends 40th was in December, I didn't get her anything but sent a card and said I would take her away for a weekend. She was very happy with that, we are very close friends so doing things for big birthdays isn't unusual. We were looking for a log cabin type thing but then I thought why don't we go back to a city we visited and lived together 20 years ago. I suggested this and she said brilliant idea and she was happy to do that!

I booked the hotel last night for three nights for both of us (a lovely hotel) and I booked my flight (we are flying from different airports and meeting there).

When I told her I had booked this she said, 'perfect, so will I just book my own flight and you will send the money over after?'

I said that I was of the idea that I would just pay the hotel and that we would pay our own flights. She said okay.

This morning I have received this message, 'I'm really sorry after speaking to (husband) I really can't afford to go, I realised that my passport needs renewed and the flights on top of that is too much. It's also an expensive city and I'm so sorry I didn't take this into consideration before agreeing. I just cannot afford the flights and if I knew they weren't part of the gift I would never have agreed in the first place and would have suggested we stay in the UK. We are really struggling just now with finances, very stressed about all the increases and it's just not manageable. I'm really sorry again.'

I am incredibly upset as I have spent the money on not only the hotel but my own flights. Going by her message it appears she wants me to pay for her flights, I'm not sure why she would assume that I was doing that in the first place?

AIBU?

She assumed because you said you would pay to take her away. You aren't paying to take her away if to get away she needs to pay to go herself.

I do think she shouldn't have initially agreed to pay for her flight but I imagine she was a bit suprised that you had suggested the destination not her and then told her she had to pay for her flight unexpectedly so just agreed then having had time to think has realised she can't do that.

I think if the gift was just a hotel you should've said that the gift was just a hotel at the time of giving it or around that time. It isnt a gift of taking her away

Newmumatlast · 27/02/2022 08:12

@Ozanj

I can’t believe all the beggers and chancers on this thread who would expect the inviter to pay their flights. I personally think it’s really odd your friend expects you to fund the trip rather than just saying no she can’t come. Cheeky mare. You need to reevaluate the friendship.

I find it odd to refer to such people as beggars and chancers when the OP says she offered to take her friend away. You arent taking anyone anywhere if you don't sort the travel. You are just paying for a hotel in a destination. And the friend isn't being taken anywhere.

If you want to offer an extravagant gift but have a budget you should say what they budget is. I did this when I gifted my parents a night away wherever they wanted but said 'to the value of x' so they knew how much I was willing to pay for it and therefore they could pick anywhere within that or somewhere outside that at which point my gift becomes a contribution. I think that stating limits to a gift is fair for all concerned.