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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for my friends flights?

371 replies

scenesfromamarriage · 26/02/2022 18:20

My friends 40th was in December, I didn't get her anything but sent a card and said I would take her away for a weekend. She was very happy with that, we are very close friends so doing things for big birthdays isn't unusual. We were looking for a log cabin type thing but then I thought why don't we go back to a city we visited and lived together 20 years ago. I suggested this and she said brilliant idea and she was happy to do that!

I booked the hotel last night for three nights for both of us (a lovely hotel) and I booked my flight (we are flying from different airports and meeting there).

When I told her I had booked this she said, 'perfect, so will I just book my own flight and you will send the money over after?'

I said that I was of the idea that I would just pay the hotel and that we would pay our own flights. She said okay.

This morning I have received this message, 'I'm really sorry after speaking to (husband) I really can't afford to go, I realised that my passport needs renewed and the flights on top of that is too much. It's also an expensive city and I'm so sorry I didn't take this into consideration before agreeing. I just cannot afford the flights and if I knew they weren't part of the gift I would never have agreed in the first place and would have suggested we stay in the UK. We are really struggling just now with finances, very stressed about all the increases and it's just not manageable. I'm really sorry again.'

I am incredibly upset as I have spent the money on not only the hotel but my own flights. Going by her message it appears she wants me to pay for her flights, I'm not sure why she would assume that I was doing that in the first place?

AIBU?

OP posts:
hairymorag · 26/02/2022 18:32

I paid for my mum and auntie to go to a city abroad. it was a gift and flights and hotel were paid for. They just had to take spending money... So YABU

Lilifer · 26/02/2022 18:32

"So I'm expected to pay for her spends as well?"

Are you being deliberately obtuse or do you not understand what everyone is saying to you?

Lampzade · 26/02/2022 18:32

YADBU

OkThenJustChill · 26/02/2022 18:33

YABU

2pinkginsplease · 26/02/2022 18:33

I can see how she misconstrued what was said however I would never allow my friend to pay for me to go away for the weekend for my birthday. It’s far too much money and basically taking the piss.

Sciurus83 · 26/02/2022 18:33

YABU!!! But why didn't you discuss this before making the booking? She obviously thought "I'll treat you" meant it wouldn't cost her, not let's share expenses on a trip away. Her message is very clear and apologetic, I think this is your communication mistake.

KeepingAnOpenMind · 26/02/2022 18:33

YANBU. I wouldn’t have expected op to pay for the flight as well.

Bananarama21 · 26/02/2022 18:33
Confused
Lilifer · 26/02/2022 18:33

Also I have never paid upfront in advance for a hotel - you should not have done that as most booking platforms have reasonable flexible cancellation policies - if you're stuck with the booking just try and get another friend to come and join you for the weekend

NerrSnerr · 26/02/2022 18:33

I really feel for her. You said you'd take her away and then you only paid for some of it. If someone told me they were taking me away I'd expect flight and hotel to be paid for, not spending money.

I think you probably wanted your own holiday and thought you'd pass it off as a gift.

Bakewelltart987 · 26/02/2022 18:34

How is this taking her anywhere all you done was pay for a room that she can't afford to get too. Maybe next time think about what your saying.

Howshouldibehave · 26/02/2022 18:34

Not sure how a post 'reads like a reverse' but it isn't.

Blimey-oh dear! You’re just a bit shit at present buying then.

Buying someone a present they have to pay a fuck tonne towards, is not a present. You should have been honest-you weren’t taking her away, you were paying for a hotel, but she had to get herself to the country in the first place.

Lilifer · 26/02/2022 18:34

@TempName01

Also I think your friends message was very gracious considering, she must be so disappointed.
So do I and it can't have been easy for her to reveal her financial issues like that.
Soubriquet · 26/02/2022 18:34

Yabu

You pay for the flights, hotel and transport to the hotel.

She’s responsible for things like food, drink etc

Mrschristmasqueen · 26/02/2022 18:35

YABU. If you're taking someone away you cover the transport and accommodation costs.

Lilifer · 26/02/2022 18:35

@NerrSnerr

I really feel for her. You said you'd take her away and then you only paid for some of it. If someone told me they were taking me away I'd expect flight and hotel to be paid for, not spending money.

I think you probably wanted your own holiday and thought you'd pass it off as a gift.

Bingo 😐
Gizacluethen · 26/02/2022 18:35

So I'm expected to pay for her spends as well?
I would pay for travel and accommodation with breakfast included. And probably split the other meals. Her buying souvenirs is put of her pocket though.

Not sure how a post 'reads like a reverse' but it isn't.
When what someone's saying is so absurd that it sounds like someone is pretending to be the other party but not giving all the info to make it sound like "they're" in the wrong so everyone piles on them and they can be vindicated but knowing if they'd said it from their actual point of view they'd have been told they were wrong.

LetHimHaveIt · 26/02/2022 18:35

Yes, YABU. Particularly as you seem to be so certain you aren't, which is always the hallmark of the most infuriating AIBUs. As a PP said - the worst part is that you've really embarrassed her.

And no. Inviting someone away doesn't mean you're supposed to supply all her 'spends' 🙄 And she'd be unreasonable not ever to put her hand in her pocket for meals out. But hotel and flights? They were on you.

TicTacHoh · 26/02/2022 18:35

This is up there with the poster whose PIL booked a lovely restaurant for afternoon tea, and the booking of the slot itself was the present, and the DIL was expected to pay for her own meal...Confused

Tequilamockinbird · 26/02/2022 18:36

Oh dear. YABU, I'd have expected the flights were included too.

Gowithme · 26/02/2022 18:36

So you're taking her away but not paying for her to get there??? If that was the case you really should have been clear when you spoke to her about it. If you had a boyfriend and he said he was taking you away would you think you'd have to pay for your own flight - of course not!!

She's apologised for the misunderstanding and is obviously upset about it, I have no idea why you would be upset at her though when it's all down to your poor communication.

Shakeyshakeyshake · 26/02/2022 18:36

3 nights is a long time too! Lots of spending money required!

If you’d said I’ll meet you there then maybe she might’ve been expected to make her way there at her own cost.

It’s def on you

Gizacluethen · 26/02/2022 18:36

Decency dictates you don't get someone a gift that costs them money without checking their financial situation.

cakewench · 26/02/2022 18:36

Yeah unfortunately without the flights, you aren't 'taking her away for a weekend', you're telling her to spend £££ in order to access her weekend away. You must be able to see this?

I understand you initially meant for it to be a domestic trip but once you suggested an overseas trip, you should have stipulated along the lines of "oh but if we do this, I would only be able to get the hotel for us." Then she would have had the chance to say "oh let's just log cabin then, I love a fire" or whatever, and not have to disclose to your her entire current financial situation.

MrWhippyBloon · 26/02/2022 18:37

Sorry OP, when I've treated someone to a weekend away I have always covered flights/transport and accommodation costs - it's not really a gift if it involves a significant financial contribution from the recipient is it?

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