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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for my friends flights?

371 replies

scenesfromamarriage · 26/02/2022 18:20

My friends 40th was in December, I didn't get her anything but sent a card and said I would take her away for a weekend. She was very happy with that, we are very close friends so doing things for big birthdays isn't unusual. We were looking for a log cabin type thing but then I thought why don't we go back to a city we visited and lived together 20 years ago. I suggested this and she said brilliant idea and she was happy to do that!

I booked the hotel last night for three nights for both of us (a lovely hotel) and I booked my flight (we are flying from different airports and meeting there).

When I told her I had booked this she said, 'perfect, so will I just book my own flight and you will send the money over after?'

I said that I was of the idea that I would just pay the hotel and that we would pay our own flights. She said okay.

This morning I have received this message, 'I'm really sorry after speaking to (husband) I really can't afford to go, I realised that my passport needs renewed and the flights on top of that is too much. It's also an expensive city and I'm so sorry I didn't take this into consideration before agreeing. I just cannot afford the flights and if I knew they weren't part of the gift I would never have agreed in the first place and would have suggested we stay in the UK. We are really struggling just now with finances, very stressed about all the increases and it's just not manageable. I'm really sorry again.'

I am incredibly upset as I have spent the money on not only the hotel but my own flights. Going by her message it appears she wants me to pay for her flights, I'm not sure why she would assume that I was doing that in the first place?

AIBU?

OP posts:
Pinklittle · 26/02/2022 18:37

Yup sorry, you said you would take her away for birthday I would assume that included everything except spending money and meals while there.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/02/2022 18:37

'Taking you away' means you know, taking someone. The flight takes them there!

Spending money is tricky and a negotiation. I'd say you both try to pay meals and end up paying half each. Buying shopping is of course, her issue.

balalake · 26/02/2022 18:37

The only thing that seems off with the friend's response was not checking her passport will be out of date, at least within a few days, given this was in December seemingly.

LIZS · 26/02/2022 18:37

It does seem as if you offered to meet the costs of the trip. To expect her to fork out for a flight, especially to a more expensive destination, is a bit much unless you pay.

BIWI · 26/02/2022 18:38

So I'm expected to pay for her spends as well?

What a stupid thing to ask. Now you're just being sulky and churlish.

Lilifer · 26/02/2022 18:39

@LetHimHaveIt

Yes, YABU. Particularly as you seem to be so certain you aren't, which is always the hallmark of the most infuriating AIBUs. As a PP said - the worst part is that you've really embarrassed her.

And no. Inviting someone away doesn't mean you're supposed to supply all her 'spends' 🙄 And she'd be unreasonable not ever to put her hand in her pocket for meals out. But hotel and flights? They were on you.

I'm pretty sure that the Op knows damn well no one expects her to cover her friends "spends" and she is being disingenuous with that question

ChocolateRiver · 26/02/2022 18:39

YABU - you said you were taking her away for the weekend and then chose somewhere abroad. That is not what you’re planning to do at all. What you actually meant was ‘let’s go to X city, I’ll pay for the hotel’. You offered to take her, but you’re not. This is totally on you. She must feel very disappointed and probably is genuinely worried about price rises and can’t afford it. You needed to be clearer about what your gift was.

Nsky · 26/02/2022 18:39

You failed to explain what you would pay for

Lilifer · 26/02/2022 18:39

With friends like these ...🤷‍♀️

Blossom64265 · 26/02/2022 18:40

You created this problem. You said you were taking her away for a weekend and proposed the destination. Transport to the destination would be a part of that.

whiteroseredrose · 26/02/2022 18:40

I think YABU.

When I've taken my Gran / Step Mum away for the weekend to Barcelona, Paris etc I paid for flights and accommodation. We split meals when there.

That's what 'taking away' means IMO.

Fangdango · 26/02/2022 18:40

If you're sharing a room, most hotels cost the same for one or two anyway, so I would definitely have been expecting you to cover the flight. It looks like an honest misunderstanding and I would pay if I could

Billandben444 · 26/02/2022 18:40

Yes to flights and hotel, no to spends. You could go on your own? Don't let it spoil a friendship.

AlexaShutUp · 26/02/2022 18:41

Of course YABVU. You said that you would take her. That means that it was your treat. I would absolutely assume that you were paying for the flights and accommodation, though I'd take my own money for stuff when we were there.

Sorry OP, but you've fucked up here.

Metalguru22 · 26/02/2022 18:42

How awkward for her! If you're taking someone away for a weekend you're taking them away. You should at least have been clear with her before booking.

Gazelda · 26/02/2022 18:42

Yikes!

What an awkward situation. I think you should message her straight back and say something like

"Gosh, Sorry if this has made things uncomfortable. I didn't think it through properly. Leave it with me and I'll let you know what I manage to sort out. Forgive me for being a doofus!"

That'll give you a bit of breathing space and let her know you don't want her to feel bad about the misunderstanding.

Gizacluethen · 26/02/2022 18:43

I really hope you're actually decent and hugely apologise to her. God I feel so sorry for her having to send that text. I can just imagine how sick with anxiety I'd feel in her shoes when she realised you expected her to pay her own flights. She was probably already worried about money when you suggested the expensive city but thought "well I can't let her down, she's paying for it for my birthday present." And then that. A UK cottage is so cheap, you take a box of cornflakes, a bottle of milk, loaf of bread , some spread and some frozen pizzas then you can treat yourself to icecream and meals out and still not break the bank. A hotel abroad is already so much h more expensive just for food and drink.

MLMsuperfan · 26/02/2022 18:43

Good one OP.

XelaM · 26/02/2022 18:43

Are you for real?! You "offer to take her away" to an expensive city abroad and then decide she should pay for her flight?! Wtf?!

Go on your own or pay for your friend like you proposed

cakewench · 26/02/2022 18:43

Also, your friend sounds absolutely lovely Flowers

newbiename · 26/02/2022 18:43

@SingleHandSue

Her message doesn’t read like she expects you to pay her flights at all. It’s an honest message saying that money is tight for her.

It’s very kind of you to take your friend away for her birthday and I’m sure she’s very embarrassed that she has to tell you she can’t afford it so don’t let it spoil your friendship.

She asked OP to send her the flight money.
fairylightsandwaxmelts · 26/02/2022 18:43

Wow, YABVU!

You can't offer to take someone on holiday and tell them they need to pay for it themselves Grin

Onlyhuman123 · 26/02/2022 18:44

I would have expected you to have paid flight too I'm afraid. And her message back to you is so well worded, she clearly doesn't want to upset you.

Hb12 · 26/02/2022 18:44

I would expect flights and accomm covered, then take it in turns paying for meals. Other spending...souvenirs etc are personal.

Merryoldgoat · 26/02/2022 18:45

If you ‘take someone away’ you pay travel, hotel and food whilst there.

Otherwise you’re just ‘going away’ together.

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