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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for my friends flights?

371 replies

scenesfromamarriage · 26/02/2022 18:20

My friends 40th was in December, I didn't get her anything but sent a card and said I would take her away for a weekend. She was very happy with that, we are very close friends so doing things for big birthdays isn't unusual. We were looking for a log cabin type thing but then I thought why don't we go back to a city we visited and lived together 20 years ago. I suggested this and she said brilliant idea and she was happy to do that!

I booked the hotel last night for three nights for both of us (a lovely hotel) and I booked my flight (we are flying from different airports and meeting there).

When I told her I had booked this she said, 'perfect, so will I just book my own flight and you will send the money over after?'

I said that I was of the idea that I would just pay the hotel and that we would pay our own flights. She said okay.

This morning I have received this message, 'I'm really sorry after speaking to (husband) I really can't afford to go, I realised that my passport needs renewed and the flights on top of that is too much. It's also an expensive city and I'm so sorry I didn't take this into consideration before agreeing. I just cannot afford the flights and if I knew they weren't part of the gift I would never have agreed in the first place and would have suggested we stay in the UK. We are really struggling just now with finances, very stressed about all the increases and it's just not manageable. I'm really sorry again.'

I am incredibly upset as I have spent the money on not only the hotel but my own flights. Going by her message it appears she wants me to pay for her flights, I'm not sure why she would assume that I was doing that in the first place?

AIBU?

OP posts:
WildImaginings · 26/02/2022 18:45

I'm taking my cousin away for her birthday. We've not booked yet but I am OBVIOUSLY covering flights and hotel. Like with your situation, it's somewhere we both like so I floated the suggestion and she agreed. Why the hell would I expect her to pay for her flights when I have suggested a destination abroad, and it's HER present?!

I'll be booking somewhere B&B as it works out basically the same price as booking somewhere without breakfast. She'll be bringing spending money we we'll both pay for meals and drinks while there.

YABVU and I feel sorry for your friend. I would apologise for the confusion if I was you and say it's on you, you were clearly having a moment of madness..

StarsAndSugarlumps · 26/02/2022 18:45

You messed up OP. Your friend deserves a heartfelt apology.

Schoolchoicesucks · 26/02/2022 18:45

She sounds very apologetic, if she can't afford passport renewal, flights and spending money then she can't afford it.

It's unfortunate, it was a nice idea, but "treating her to a weekend away" includes the flight and accommodation and potentially some meals if it's an overseas trip. If it was a domestic one, it would be just accommodation and some meals. It's a pity you didn't clarify what you were offering when you suggested the city. It's a pity her passport is out of date.

How much are the cheapest flights to that city? Could you afford to pay for them? Is the accommodation not refundable? If it was, could you stay somewhere cheaper and use the difference for the flights?

Can she afford the passport renewal and spending money so that if you could pay for the flights she could still come?

I think that you can still use the flights and accommodation - invite another friend to join you (make it clear they're paying their share!) - but your friend has no birthday gift. So you're not the one who's lost out here.

bigbluebus · 26/02/2022 18:45

TBH it doesn't sound to me like she can afford to go at all. "It's an expensive city" to me sounds like she can't afford to pay for meals out either. If you'd been staying in this country in a log cabin then you could have self catered for some of it which would have been cheaper. Unless all meals are covered at the hotel - which I doubt.

WutheringHeights66 · 26/02/2022 18:46

I bet you were sharing a room too?

Sorry, but YAB completely U

tkwal · 26/02/2022 18:46

Sorry, but if you said you were taking me away I'd expect you to pay for the flights too.

WanderleyWagon · 26/02/2022 18:46

"So I'm expected to pay for her spends as well?"

Not necessarily incidentals, but yes, if you said you were taking me away for a weekend I'd be expecting travel and accommodation covered. Maybe not all meals (I would in any case offer if it was me to cover a dinner during the trip or something) but most meals.

It sounds as though you maybe worded it carelessly, but she is NBU to have expected you to cover the flight and in my opinion your only honourable route through this is to apologise for the (honest, I think) misunderstanding and cover her costs.

rocksonrocks · 26/02/2022 18:47

This reply has been deleted

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Redburnett · 26/02/2022 18:47

You offered her a weekend away as a gift, therefore you should pay.

Cuddlemuffin · 26/02/2022 18:47

I agree with others that it definitely sounded like you were taking her away as a gift which of course would include cost of flights. You definitely should have clarified this before booking. Your poor frien has been put in a position where she's had to tell you she's struggling financially which she may not have wanted to share. I think she's wordes it very carefully and been apologetic. You are going to either have to learn from this mistake and apologize for not taking the cost or the flight into consideration or offer to pay x

NewPapaGuinea · 26/02/2022 18:47

Have another YABU

XelaM · 26/02/2022 18:49

To add... my best friend once "took me away to Vegas and LA" - i.e. she paid for all flights and accommodations. That's what "treating" someone to a trip away actually means

Redburnett · 26/02/2022 18:49

A gift with strings attached does not feel like a gift. I recall getting a restaurant voucher in a city far enough away that it meant we had to book a hotel, and of course the meal cost more than the voucher.......

penelopequiche · 26/02/2022 18:49

You have put her in an extremely difficult position. She sounds very genuine. Think about it!

Original poster
scenesfromamarriage · 26/02/2022 18:49

@rocksonrocks

Another YABU. And you sound like a shit friend.
How rude, absolutely no need.
OP posts:
MrsClatterbuck · 26/02/2022 18:49

@Lilifer

"So I'm expected to pay for her spends as well?"

Are you being deliberately obtuse or do you not understand what everyone is saying to you?

THIS
catfunk · 26/02/2022 18:49

Oops you've messed up but she's dealt with it very graciously and sounds like a lovely person.

YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 26/02/2022 18:50

YABU, you don’t ask someone away for a trip abroad for a present and then expect them to pay their flights!

SouperNoodle · 26/02/2022 18:50

YABU you take someone away, you pay for travel and accommodation and they sort their spends. If you had other ideas, you should have made that clear prior to booking.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 26/02/2022 18:51

@bigbluebus

TBH it doesn't sound to me like she can afford to go at all. "It's an expensive city" to me sounds like she can't afford to pay for meals out either. If you'd been staying in this country in a log cabin then you could have self catered for some of it which would have been cheaper. Unless all meals are covered at the hotel - which I doubt.
But she thought all costs are covered.

Being able to pay for a few meals is very different from having to pay for flights on top.

MarinoRoyale · 26/02/2022 18:51

Agree with everyone else, you offered to take her away and the rational implication is that you’re covering the costs of getting there and the accommodation. I wouldn’t assume it’d cover spending money though.

You’ve put your friend in a really awkward position, you should either cover her flights or rebook a UK hotel.

Ki0612 · 26/02/2022 18:51

Yabu a hotel for one is pretty much the same as a hotel for two. So its just like you are saying her gift is to come on ur holiday.

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/02/2022 18:52

I would think that its the flights on top of the passport and spends that make unaffordable for her.

I too would expect "I will take you away for the weekend" to include flights for a foreign destination that YOU suggested. As she said, she only agreed because she assumed that flights would be part of the present, so presumably would have asked to stay in the UK if she had known up front that you had no intention of paying for them.

Such bad form! "Here is your birthday present....it will cost you £300 to go and get it"

DonGray · 26/02/2022 18:52

YABU

Canyouhearmehello · 26/02/2022 18:52

OP you don't seem to be aware that you have humiliated her as PP said. Can you imagine just how embarrassed your friend felt writing to you that she was short of money and could not afford the flights, new passport, and her spending money, all this without upsetting you. Your comment about her spends as well, your friend maybe thought a birthday treat is just that. You are definitely being unreasonable and I think you should apologise for the misunderstanding and pay for the flights.

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