Am I Mad...advice please!

[Dazedandconfusedm11]

:50Dazedandconfusedm11

I am 50 and have a lovely and bright 6 year old..conceived naturally. Dad is 42.

I tried for a 2nd soon after but had a few losses. So decided to look at IVF. Due to COVID it delayed the process and I am now at the stage where I can choose a donor egg and try to get pregnant.

I am fit, healthy and financially secure.

Am I Mad for wanting a sibling for my child and a much loved and wanted child?

Anyone out there have a child at 50?

If I miss this chance of having a child this year, then I would not pursue any further.

In one way it is a crazy idea..but the next my child is not too old for a sibling.

My dad was 16 when I was born and he died when I was 9..so I would have loved to have had my dad more than 9 years but young parent did not mean long life...

Also, my m was 16 when I was born and worked all the way through my childhood. Me and my siblings never saw her, played games etc..not her fault that is what she had to do.

I will be mortgage free in a year, could go part time etc and am around every day for my child.

What do you all think?

I think you are a little crazy. I am 46 and couldn't imagine having a tiny one again. My youngest turns 10 tomorrow and I am considered an older mum. (Some of his friends parents could actually be my kids!!)
However....I answer this question from the perspective of having had my family.

I am very sorry your dad died young. But that is quite unusual. People do normally die older. So even at 50 you have some time left.....hopefully another 40 or so years.

I voted yabu although of course it is your decision but I found recovering from pregnancy and a c section physically so tough, my body still isn't really fine after 18m. Can't imagine how I could have recovered even as much as I have if I was in my 50s. I'm sure you'd be a great mum and it's great to be financially secure but it's the physicality of the process that would put me off

My personal opinion is that this is really selfish.

You’re fit, healthy and financially secure but not naturally fertile anymore, we lose our fertility for a reason op.

You can’t change the age of your cells, the risks involved here are huge and not just for you, but your potential child.

Could you deal with a child with severe autism for example? The risks of a child with a chromosomal abnormality are highly increased at the age of 50.
You may have eggs but the majority of them will develop abnormally.

*I mean, I'm sure you'd be a great mum to any second child! You already are one obvs

@Staryflight445

My personal opinion is that this is really selfish.

You’re fit, healthy and financially secure but not naturally fertile anymore, we lose our fertility for a reason op.

You can’t change the age of your cells, the risks involved here are huge and not just for you, but your potential child.

Could you deal with a child with severe autism for example? The risks of a child with a chromosomal abnormality are highly increased at the age of 50.
You may have eggs but the majority of them will develop abnormally.

I think OP mentioned donor eggs tho?

I see you want to use a donor egg.
I think the fact your own eggs aren’t viable should probably be a marker to question whether your body is capable of doing this.

It’s a bit different to a young women who needs to use donor eggs.

Slaryflight - she's gonna use a doner egg.

I think I will say yanbu. Sounds like a very stable and loving situation to bring a child into and your dp is 8 years younger too. I mean it's not ideal, you'll be 70 when the child is 20 but many people bring children into situations that are not ideal.

I think its a lot to put your body through

I am 57 and am not sure I could/would be able to cope with sleepness nights, early mornings and everything else it would entail at this stage. There is a 9 year gap between my 2. There is potentially an 8 year gap between yours but they won't be friends as such as children. It would only be when they are older that they may or may not start hanging out together.

There are plenty of only children in the world. Is it truly for a sibling for your existing child or for you to hold onto a baby for longer?

I had my second when I was very nearly 47 through IVF though not donor eggs. He is now 11 and I don’t regret it one bit. Yes, I would have preferred to have him when I was younger but it is what it is and we are fine. You will probably get lots of replies saying you are too old but (1) donor eggs will reduce the risk of some complications and (b) it is all about what feels right for you and your family.

My only thing to highlight is that having a baby when you are older may affect your ability to retire (depending on your finances) as child will only be leaving school when you are 68 and will probably need further financial support. You also need to think carefully about finances, life insurance and have a plan re guardians just in case. Also be prepared for never being able to sit down and watch grown up films and TV once they reach the age of about 10 as they will still be up when you are up! Not many 60 year olds are in that boat!

I think starryflight is being a bit harsh and not particularly sensitive in her wording.

Only you can decide what right for you. I will be having my first baby shortly before my 40th birthday in a few weeks. Not how I would have planned after we started trying at 35, 3 years of trying and then we too had IVF delayed due to COVID. For this reason though this will be my only child though.

I too lost my dad at a young age - I was 12 (he was 39) so I understand what you were saying

My decision to not have any more is not based on how old I would be when the child is growing up but based on the kind of responsibility I want going into retirement with and getting some 'adult life' with my OH back after spending a gruelling 5 years just to get pregnant before I've even started raising my child.

Good luck in whatever you choose x

Thanks for your reply.

Having a 2nd child is for me and my child to have a sibling.

I am an older mum regardless (with my other child,) and we are all going to die and leave our children behind. Is it better to have 2 children so they are not alone.

I have siblings and the joy that that brings is immense.

I am financially secure in terms of no mortgage, savings etc.so I plan to give up full time work in atleast 5 years..

Opinions are interesting and I thank you for sharing.

@yorkshireteaspoonie I’ve lost parents young as well, and also a sibling.

My dad was 40 when I was born, my mum was 7 years younger. She died first.
I lost all 3 before I turned 30.

Losing a parent when others are losing their grandparents is really difficult, I am constantly aware of how much myself and my children have lost.
I could never force myself to become pregnant at 50.

I think your situation is way better to bring a child into than if you were younger without the security you have. Good luck

I wouldn’t do it. You are having a baby for you only, and that could leave one or two children motherless.
Through work I’ve seen women much younger than you dying due to pregnancy/childbirth.
But it’s your choice.

‘ Is it better to have 2 children so they are not alone.

I have siblings and the joy that that brings is immense.’
I had a sibling and I am alone. I know I’m not the only one in this situation too.

Not everyone has a universal sibling experience.
The risks to your own health could lead to your child losing you in the process of this, or your health completely being shattered afterwards.

I'm a child of an older parent and it was really embarrassing at school to be honest. Constant questions from kids asking is that your grandad. It's left me with a lot of issues and embarrassment. I wouldn't do it personally as it's a selfish decision.

I think it would be selfish. Your child, in their late teens or early 20s, could well be in a position of caring for you physically or mentally. The human body starts to significantly decline after 60, unless you are lucky. Can you run around playing footie with a 10 year old? You would look like a grandparent next to 20 and 30 year old mum's at the school gate etc. I think it's expecting too much too late for yourself and any potential child and not realistic for either. You could die while they are young, like your dad sadly did so they wouldn't have the support that people would reasonably expect at that age Sounds like wanting to be a grandparent but doing it yourself. I realise that is blunt but it is supposed to be a friendly tone!

There's also no guarantee that siblings will support each other later in life. People move away, do vastly different things, drift apart or just are very different and don't get on. It would be rare for them to be living close by or best friends for life. Especially without the glue of parents or family events to centre you to a place, having a child to provide potential sibling comfort is a very long shot

I also don’t agree with using donor eggs either in all honesty.
My mum was adopted and never knew her biological parents.
My grandparents were absolutely amazing and gave her such a lovely loving life, but you can’t ever remove those questions from someone about where/who they’ve come from.

She sadly never found out any information about them before she died, but I can imagine purposefully using someone else’s cells in this way.

It doesn’t matter how comfortable your life is (my grandparents were always more than financially comfortable and they had some very lovely holidays and experiences together).

Some women are practically forced to donate their eggs to be able to afford their own IVF experience too, I couldn’t ever use one knowing this.

Honestly I think it’s a bad idea and you’re doing it for selfish reasons even if you’re not aware of that. Having a 6 year old at 44 was really the max age that makes sense, and they’re unlikely to be very close as siblings anyway with a 7 year plus age gap. If anything, say if you died at 70 when the child was only 17-18, your older child would then have the responsibility of looking after their sibling. Feels unfair to do the that.

I think it is a bit old to go through pregnancy tbh, fit or not. To have a second child is not a crazy idea though, adoption not an option you are willing to explore?

It's totally fine to have a baby at 50 - no one ever questions a father at 50

We are fitter and healthier than ever. I'm 50 and could easily look after a baby right now. I'd definitely struggle more physically with recovering from a caesarean but like you I could afford help and good healthcare.

I disagree with surrogacy but donor eggs is fine.

Having children is a selfish act for everyone, no one is doing it altruistically ....

Also you will have a large age gap. There won’t be much synergy between them your older child will be at least 7 years older. In a few years she will be in the self absorbed teen zone and a younger sibling likely to be seen as an annoyance. Also you are far too old. It’s a mad idea - sorry.