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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I Mad...advice please!

226 replies

Dazedandconfusedm11 · 26/02/2022 06:20

:50Dazedandconfusedm11

I am 50 and have a lovely and bright 6 year old..conceived naturally. Dad is 42.

I tried for a 2nd soon after but had a few losses. So decided to look at IVF. Due to COVID it delayed the process and I am now at the stage where I can choose a donor egg and try to get pregnant.

I am fit, healthy and financially secure.

Am I Mad for wanting a sibling for my child and a much loved and wanted child?

Anyone out there have a child at 50?

If I miss this chance of having a child this year, then I would not pursue any further.

In one way it is a crazy idea..but the next my child is not too old for a sibling.

My dad was 16 when I was born and he died when I was 9..so I would have loved to have had my dad more than 9 years but young parent did not mean long life...

Also, my m was 16 when I was born and worked all the way through my childhood. Me and my siblings never saw her, played games etc..not her fault that is what she had to do.

I will be mortgage free in a year, could go part time etc and am around every day for my child.

What do you all think?

OP posts:
Goldenhedgehogs · 26/02/2022 09:34

Just wanted to give perspective as an only child married to someone with four siblings.
As a child I wanted siblings but we got a dog and I was happy with that. I was well aware I got the nice house and holidays as due to not having siblings we had more disposable cash! And I had a lovely childhood because my parents were lovely and did have less money worries than other families. I did feel pressure as growing up all their attention was on me with no siblings to dilute that! As an adult I am the main carer for my widowed mum so I always assumed siblings would share that load. What I have found out as even though there are five kids in my husbands family only one or two help with the elderly parents. What I am saying is being a loved only child is a great situation to be in so don’t feel like you need to have another baby for your other child’s sake.

LowlandLucky · 26/02/2022 09:35

When i was 50 i had loads of energy, now i am nearing my mid 50s i have noticed a huge drop in energy. It is not about how you feel today it is about the future. Are you sure you want a teenager when you are in your mid 60s,they are far more exhausting than a toddler. Have you given any thought to what life would be like with a 5 year old and 15/15 year old in the house, you will never know a moments peace again.

obstacalling · 26/02/2022 09:36

You have a healthy child. Don't push your luck

LowlandLucky · 26/02/2022 09:37

14/15 year old

obstacalling · 26/02/2022 09:37

It is not 'better to have 2 children'

What an idiotic and insensitive thing to say 🙄

Darbs76 · 26/02/2022 09:37

Personally I couldn’t do it. I think once natural fertility ends that’s it. Being pregnant at 50 is of course a risk.

That said my brother is about to be a father for the 3rd time at 47 and no-one has said to him it’s wrong, crazy maybe but not wrong. His wife is 41 and it’s a natural pregnant though. His youngest is 26, youngest 21. I’m 45 and couldn’t start again at that age, mine are 28, 17 and 14 and I’m looking forward to an end to school runs / mums taxi and being able to go on holiday in term time. Good luck whatever you decide

Original poster
Dazedandconfusedm11 · 26/02/2022 09:39

Thank you all.

I work from home..so my child has all my time now

It's difficult..I have looked into fostering but because I don't drive, I could only have a teenager. A younger child might go to a school in another area. They would not consider me for anyone under 12
Which is fine but would prefer a child under 10. Do, not do easy just to foster.

OP posts:
alwayswrighty · 26/02/2022 09:40

@Dazedandconfusedm11 I think its your decision and you're far more financially secure than most parents. Whatever you decide I wish you well Flowers

ChinstrapBobblehat · 26/02/2022 09:41

@Staryflight445

I’m really quite surprised many of you think having a parent who is financially comfortable makes for the ideal situation for having a child at this age too?

I mean, there’s children who are from very poor families who still manage to have a great childhood

Nobody has implied that kids from low income families can’t have happy lives Confused

Nor that the OP is in an ‘ideal situation’ - and if she was, she probably wouldn’t be on here asking for advice. People are simply commenting on the pros and cons of her situation, and surely being financially secure is an advantage at any stage of life?

obstacalling · 26/02/2022 09:43

The siblings will have a 7 year age gap. They won't be best mates growing up.

Staryflight445 · 26/02/2022 09:43

I agree @obstacalling

Some siblings end up being the carers of their siblings when their parents get older due to learning disabilities/ physical disabilities.
It’s not all roses.

Staryflight445 · 26/02/2022 09:44

No they haven’t but some of the comments are surprising, like financial security should be the main priority here @ChinstrapBobblehat

Original poster
Dazedandconfusedm11 · 26/02/2022 09:45

I am still having periods, no perimenopause and ovulating fine. I am one follicle down from using my own eggs (you need 8..I have 7). The reason for infertility is partner, hence IVF can use/select his sperm rather hoping on a slim chance, which we have done for 20years. The chances are slim even if my partner had a partner who was 20. Illness caused this for partner.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dazedandconfusedm11 · 26/02/2022 09:49

I am asking for advice because I want an honest objective opinions and not from anyone making a financial gain or because they love me.

OP posts:
emuloc · 26/02/2022 09:50

@Uafasach

If you and your partner's ages were reversed, nobody would bat an eyelid.
The last time I checked, men do not carry babies and go through birth, with all the risks that carries. That may have something to do with it.
SleepOhHowIMissYou · 26/02/2022 09:51

You mention a sister and I wondered if she has children?

If your child has cousins then they're not entirely alone after you and her dad die.

BoredBoredBoredB · 26/02/2022 09:53

Six or seven is quite old to really benefit from a sibling during childhood. I wouldn’t risk it. Actually, I didn’t risk it. Maybe I’m too risk averse but the benefits to your daughter are questionable.

Original poster
Dazedandconfusedm11 · 26/02/2022 09:54

@obstacalling

It is not 'better to have 2 children'

What an idiotic and insensitive thing to say 🙄

I was not trying to be insensitive, this is about my dilemma and based on me asking for some advice.

I am not commenting on anyone elses situation but my own and have not been rude to anyone.

so apologise if you have found anything insensitive, not meant

OP posts:
RidingMyBike · 26/02/2022 09:55

We haven't noticed any issues with being an older parent at school gate etc. DH had been called 'Grandad' once by the hol club staff (which DD thought was hilarious!) and we fed back to them about not making assumptions. Otherwise there's a big age range of people doing school pickups these days - parent of a primary kid could be early 20s - 50/60s age and a lot of grandparents do do the school run now! DH wasn't the oldest dad at antenatal classes either.

I wouldn't have a second child for DD to have a sibling though. I have a sibling because my only child parents didn't want me to be dealing with their care on my own. My Dad then died young! My brother is 18 months younger than me, was a total pain throughout childhood, not helped by parental expectations of being grateful to have him Hmm. We're now in our 40s, see each other maybe once a year, exchange a very occasional WhatsApp and neither of us live anywhere near Mum and won't be able to do much when she does need care.

Staryflight445 · 26/02/2022 09:56

With your last update I’d honestly say it’s probably time to start considering being happy with what you guys have already.

You’ve got one child from an impossible situation, which is a miracle in itself.

Wheresmycustard · 26/02/2022 10:01

is adopting a slightly older child an option? Bestie for your current child and better age balance to you and your child?

MintyGreenDream · 26/02/2022 10:08

Quit while you're ahead

LawnFever · 26/02/2022 10:09

@Dazedandconfusedm11

I would definitely consider adoption but partner has said no in the past.

I guess I have to make a choice soon as I need to pay 10k within the next couple of weeks

You do realise that IVF isn’t in any way guaranteed, even for someone younger who hasn’t had a long an infertility journey, it’s difficult physically and mentally and it’s in no way a guarantee you’ll have another child unfortunately.

Going private are the clinic being realistic with you of what the chances of this being successful are?

Or are they just very happy to take your £10k?

If you do go ahead you have to do that knowing that at any stage the IVF could still fail.

Thisisyourvaginatalking · 26/02/2022 10:11

If they're a child from a donor egg and donor sperm, they won't be a biological sibling anyway.

Staryflight445 · 26/02/2022 10:12

From googling it looks like quite a few clinics go upto the age of 50 but not beyond.
It gets too risky. OP I’d be concerned about the clinics morals if they’re willing to put your body through this procedure.