Am I Mad...advice please!

[Dazedandconfusedm11]

:50Dazedandconfusedm11

I am 50 and have a lovely and bright 6 year old..conceived naturally. Dad is 42.

I tried for a 2nd soon after but had a few losses. So decided to look at IVF. Due to COVID it delayed the process and I am now at the stage where I can choose a donor egg and try to get pregnant.

I am fit, healthy and financially secure.

Am I Mad for wanting a sibling for my child and a much loved and wanted child?

Anyone out there have a child at 50?

If I miss this chance of having a child this year, then I would not pursue any further.

In one way it is a crazy idea..but the next my child is not too old for a sibling.

My dad was 16 when I was born and he died when I was 9..so I would have loved to have had my dad more than 9 years but young parent did not mean long life...

Also, my m was 16 when I was born and worked all the way through my childhood. Me and my siblings never saw her, played games etc..not her fault that is what she had to do.

I will be mortgage free in a year, could go part time etc and am around every day for my child.

What do you all think?

I would love to adopt but partner has said no in the past.

If IVF failed I would be fine. For me it is the not trying and living with whatifs. I never like living with regrets..

A part of me thinks...in a 100 years it won't matter what we did or didn't do.or whether my 2nd child was born at 50.

Also, while doing family research I found out my great great nan had 23 child and the last was at 52. That last child was my great grandad..

My head and opinion is swaying from side to side with all this...

@Staryflight445

From googling it looks like quite a few clinics go upto the age of 50 but not beyond. It gets too risky. OP I’d be concerned about the clinics morals if they’re willing to put your body through this procedure.

I’m inclined to agree, there’s a reason that NHS IVF has an age limit and it’s because it’s known to be much less likely to be successful.

Private clinics offering treatment that is just as unlikely to succeed simply feels exploitative of those willing to hand over the money.

It is a well known UK clinic and I was on their books at 47..due to COVID etc..got pushed back do allowed me to do at 50.

Do it! Like you said who knows what life will bring

I don't think you're unreasonable to do this at all. Many women are still trying at this age for a first using every technique available. It sounds like you would be very much there and the child would want for nothing emotionally or in any other way. However you're unreasonable to ask for opinions!! On Mumsnet you are really only 'allowed' to have children in your thirties. Twenties "You've got your whole life to do that" Forties "Oooh I don't have the energy to go back to that and can't imagine anyone else having it". Obviously we're not all able to plan this to the conventional time table so you will have to do it and other other opinions.

ignore other opinions

47 is still too old for many clinics op.
45 seems to be a generalised cut off.

Folks saying it would not be a biological sibling. Only donor egg..partners sperm, so would share siblings half DNA.

Oh what a difficult choice OP. As you are all ready to go, I wonder if you'll have Masai be regrets if you don't try it. Of course it might not work and then the decision is taken out of your hands. But if you give up this opportunity will you always think 'what if?'

But...from my perspective, I really wouldn't do it if the primary reason is to provide a sibling for your child. As others have said, the age gap would be too great for the siblings to play together as children, and there is no guarantee they would be close as adults. Also, the only children I know ended up marrying into large families and/or having 2+ children themselves. They created their own larger families as they got older. There are so many possibilities in life.

It sounds as though you have thought about it carefully. If your other half is on board and you can cope with it not working I’d go for it. Like you I’d rather try and know I had given it one last time and then embrace whatever outcome there was.

I know very young 50 year olds and very old 50 year olds, although your friends and family are likely to be lovely and supportive I’m sure they would tell you in a gentle way if they thought it was a bad idea for you personally. They know you far better than MNetters!

To me It seems cruel that covid would ruin your last opportunity. If you had asked if 47/48 was too old I’m sure you wouldn’t get as much negativity.

If your child is 6 they aren't going to be that close to a new sibling because of the age gap. Don't have any more.

@Dazedandconfusedm11

It is a well known UK clinic and I was on their books at 47..due to COVID etc..got pushed back do allowed me to do at 50.

I think it’s exploitative of them to accept patients on their books for paid treatment that is so unlikely to succeed.

Have they given you a full briefing of the % chance of success?

I feel like they’re not being completely honest with you to raise your hopes in this way.

YANBU to want another child but looking into the future, will you have the stamina required to cope with 2 lively youngsters? I'm 60 and look after toddler grandkiddies once a week. I love them dearly and they are both laid back children but omg I'm exhausted at the end of the day!!

It is not the only reason to give my child a sibling, but age influences all decisions you make.

Having a child at 30, you might not necessarily think why you have a 2nd, 3rd etc..some people do because they can, it don't have a ticking clock etc..

*I know some folk have problems and cannot have children or it is difficult. I am talking about a scenario above..that is a section of society but not representative of all. So not being sensitive..please don't take offence

@Daisy4569

It sounds as though you have thought about it carefully. If your other half is on board and you can cope with it not working I’d go for it. Like you I’d rather try and know I had given it one last time and then embrace whatever outcome there was.

I know very young 50 year olds and very old 50 year olds, although your friends and family are likely to be lovely and supportive I’m sure they would tell you in a gentle way if they thought it was a bad idea for you personally. They know you far better than MNetters!

To me It seems cruel that covid would ruin your last opportunity. If you had asked if 47/48 was too old I’m sure you wouldn’t get as much negativity.

Thank you for your sound advice and words

Yes...the chances are the same as someone in their 20s..it is a donor egg. This was what they told me and have 85% live births for women over 45.

Could anyone send me link on MN to direct me to folks I can ask on this forum about donor eggs and IVF.

I'm the same age as you OP with a DD18. Personally, I wouldn't want another baby now although I'm financially secure, look younger (so people tell me!) and fit and healthy. BUT I am still 50 despite all those things and I think 50 is a bit too old. You'll be 70 when they're only 20 and whilst that's not old and I know some very fit and healthy 70+ year olds, I think it's unfair on the child. My DD never expressed a wish for a sibling, didn't complain about being lonely and is a sociable, confident young lady - I don't necessarily agree with 'an only child is a lonely one'.
However, this is just my personal opinion and you have to go with your feelings about it - I don't think it's about being 'right or wrong' but you do have to consider all aspects. I wish you well with whatever you decide.

@ufucoffee

If your child is 6 they aren't going to be that close to a new sibling because of the age gap. Don't have any more.

Me and my sister are the same age gap and was close growing up and still are. We lived in the same house all our lives till she was 20..me 26..then bought houses 10min walk from each and still live within walking distance. We have shared stories and history.

I desperately wanted a sibling when I was little. Then I got one and we never got on from that day till this. He would not be my support in any way, shape of form when my parents died. I wish I'd been an only as does my DH, we have an only and he is very happy that way.

It sounds like you have a fantastic relationship with your sister which is lovely but it doesn't mean your children would have the same and if you were to have a disabled child due to your age how would you feel then? What impact would that have on you all?

You'll be 60 when they're 10? That's just crazy.

@Livebythecoast

I'm the same age as you OP with a DD18. Personally, I wouldn't want another baby now although I'm financially secure, look younger (so people tell me!) and fit and healthy. BUT I am still 50 despite all those things and I think 50 is a bit too old. You'll be 70 when they're only 20 and whilst that's not old and I know some very fit and healthy 70+ year olds, I think it's unfair on the child. My DD never expressed a wish for a sibling, didn't complain about being lonely and is a sociable, confident young lady - I don't necessarily agree with 'an only child is a lonely one'. However, this is just my personal opinion and you have to go with your feelings about it - I don't think it's about being 'right or wrong' but you do have to consider all aspects. I wish you well with whatever you decide.

It is hard...

What if I get to 90..in good health and life was kind...then it wouldn't have mattered i was 50.
Life is unknown...it is just the selfish aspect that hurts..one thing I am not , but am I blinded and I am being

I was so sure before I posted, then had a tiny doubt so I thought open it up to opinions...

Now I am so conflicted and can't think straight....

I had my last baby at nearly 42. It is fine. But OP, I can't imagine having teenagers in my 60s. It's a different kind of parenting then, but it's no easier than parenting a toddler. My dd will be 18 when I'm 60 and that's old enough for me.

I'd say the same for a man - 50 is too old to have a baby. Mostly because it's not fair on the child to have such an old parent.

@Dazedandconfusedm11 - you're absolutely right. You could live to 90, healthy etc. My Nan is 99 and is incredible, still lives independently but both my parents are dead, my mum at 59, my dad at 70 so it is a lottery really. That's why I said you have to go with your feelings and whilst getting people's opinions might lead you to see how other's see it, at the end of the day, we're not you and only you and your family matter, not what other people think.

Assuming you got pregnant quickly - how would you feel about having a 16 year old at 66? It's hard work!

Kids get more expensive as they get older, not less. Would you be able to put a child through uni on your pension?

And what it the child you get has disabilities - would you be able to cope if, for example, you needed to do a lot of lifting in and out of wheelchairs?

Are you up for teenage sleepovers in your mid 60s? I'm 61, and the thought horrifies me!!

And there would be at least 6 years between your DCs, so they're not going to grow up to be all that close. I think what would happen is that the older child would take on more of a parental role for the younger one - baby sitting etc, and that's not fair on her.

Honestly, I'd stick with the healthy child you have. If you like kids, volunteer with Guiding or some other children's charity. There are (unfortunately) plenty of kids who appreciate having a maternal adult around outside of the family unit to look to for support (I speak as an ex Guider).

I am going to go against the grain and say that if you feel fit enough to cope with a pregnancy and being a mum again then go for it. I think only you can know this.

I think having a sibling is an amazing thing. I appreciate it's not always possible for everyone but my life is certainly enhanced by having a sibling, even though he lives in a different country. As my parents have aged it has been and continues to be a real reassurance knowing that there are two of us to take the responsibility and decisions together that may need to be made for them. We also enjoy spending time together whenever we can and our children do too.

I think ultimately, if you are always going to live with the 'what ifs' and 'what could have beens' then you will regret not at least giving it a go - as long as you are sensible and realistic about the chances of success and the impact on your life going forwards if you are successful.

Wishing you the very best of luck whatever you decide.