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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I Mad...advice please!

226 replies

Dazedandconfusedm11 · 26/02/2022 06:20

:50Dazedandconfusedm11

I am 50 and have a lovely and bright 6 year old..conceived naturally. Dad is 42.

I tried for a 2nd soon after but had a few losses. So decided to look at IVF. Due to COVID it delayed the process and I am now at the stage where I can choose a donor egg and try to get pregnant.

I am fit, healthy and financially secure.

Am I Mad for wanting a sibling for my child and a much loved and wanted child?

Anyone out there have a child at 50?

If I miss this chance of having a child this year, then I would not pursue any further.

In one way it is a crazy idea..but the next my child is not too old for a sibling.

My dad was 16 when I was born and he died when I was 9..so I would have loved to have had my dad more than 9 years but young parent did not mean long life...

Also, my m was 16 when I was born and worked all the way through my childhood. Me and my siblings never saw her, played games etc..not her fault that is what she had to do.

I will be mortgage free in a year, could go part time etc and am around every day for my child.

What do you all think?

OP posts:
WomblingWilma · 28/02/2022 23:28

@RidingMyBike working with teens is very much different to owning them Grin.

I too have found teens much more challenging mentally than having under 11s was physically. The getting them to do homework when they want to stay on screens, the social media issues and what are exposed to when you don’t want them to be, the having to pick them up at midnight, staying up worrying about where they are and what they’re doing, getting them up in the morning after they’ve been on their phone all night, the constant phone in hand (and headphones so they can’t hear you call them for dinner or anything else - my personal bugbear!), the moods and backchat, relationship problems, getting them to pull their weight in the house when again they don’t want to come off screens. Then if you get one which falls into a bad crowd etc well.

There’s no way I’d want to go through that in my mid 60s onwards.

I’ve had 3 going on 4 and this internet and device generation is a lot more challenging than mine was for my parents!

Your nephews staying in their rooms all the time is not a good thing as they’re out of the way. That just causes a whole lot more angst for parents as we know it’s not healthy and just adds to the worry!

moanyhole · 01/03/2022 00:41

My aunt had 2 planned in her 40s and what she thought was menopause turned out to be an unplanned 3rd at 51. She is now in her late 80s and her 3rd in her late 30s. It turned out fine, due to the fact that my aunt was always very young at heart, she completed a degree in journalism in her early 80s. There were no issues really.
I'm 49 and wouldn't have another, that said I have 3 already. I think the worrying that I would live long enough and healthily enough to see my child through to adulthood at least would be a lot. That being said it's not a scenario that can't work out perfectly fine like my aunt.
It's really up to you OP. Being financially secure is a big plus.

Mylittlepotofjoy · 01/03/2022 00:49

If you use donor eggs I can’t see a problem except tiredness !!!! As you well know how long our parents live is random and having siblings when you do loose a parent is so important. I am 8 years older than my brother and I totally adore him we have a very strong bond . So if you are healthy and brave go for it don’t let other people dictate your life

RidingMyBike · 01/03/2022 08:16

LOL @RandomMess I think this is just where families do things differently. Eating after 7pm is normal for us at least half the week, even when we had a baby/toddler. Didn't get home from work with her until 6.30pm, so straight into bedtime routine, then we ate at about 8pm! We still do that two nights a week even now DH is a SAHD as DD has clubs so he gets her tea early whilst I'm still working, then we eat at about 8pm after her bedtime.

MsTSwift · 01/03/2022 08:39

It’s the head space of teens. Sorry if you haven’t done it you just don’t know. All is well then your 13 year old comes home in tears having been thrown out of her friendship group for no reason…

I am in a large group of friends in our late 40s early 50s we all have teens not one of us is finding it easy - not one. The staying in the bedroom all the time is not a good thing! I’ve got friends worried sick that their sons are doing that. Between us the worries are isolation/lack of social skills/dabbling in drugs/parties/creeping out at night/refusing to do any work in gcse year/shoplifting/online fraud/too intense relationship/abusive relationship and so on! It’s not as physically hard as young children but it’s mentally harder. And those parents that sail through it I suspect their kids aren’t confiding in them.

Lalliella · 01/03/2022 08:44

I remember a story years ago in the Daily Mail (sorry) about a woman conceiving naturally at the age of 52 (she was called Debbie if you want to google it) so you’re actually not biologically too old. There’s a lot to think about though. I personally think it’s nice for kids to have siblings. And you’re right that parents can die at any age. Look after your health and keep fit though.

RidingMyBike · 01/03/2022 10:36

This is really interesting re teens, thank you for the insights! It's happening for us obvs as we already have the kid and the older parent and I still don't think it's going to be as bad as dealing with a baby or toddler, but then we're really not baby/toddler people Grin. I can remember the emotional angst with friends etc at that age but also having my dad to talk to (we travelled to work/school together) which DH will be brilliant at, I think. And will hopefully have the bandwidth as he won't be working. But no doubt I'll be on MN in a few years' time in the throes of dealing with it and everyone can say 'I told you so' Confused

OP, I know several people have mentioned adoption but it's a difficult route. One of my friends (same age as me so not older parent) was pregnant at same time (her one chance at IVF) miscarried and then adopted a kid almost the same age as my DD at a year old. So the actual adoption process was relatively quick but, whilst she missed out on the gruesome sleep deprivation newborn phase, she has had no end of ups and downs with attachment issues, early trauma etc. She's now adopted a second child, who was a bit older and they have really struggled with the kid's start in life and the issues that raised. It has been both physically and mentally demanding.

bluebird3 · 01/03/2022 10:53

I think the biggest issue with looking after elderly parents is that your children will be in their 30s and may also have their own young children at the same time. My mum has spent the last 10 years looking after her parents and I can't imagine having that responsibility on top of looking after my own children. However if you're financially secure enough to have support from other carers this can take away some of the burden. Also, if you have a close knit wider family your children will grow up around then this is a good support for them once you are gone.

It's non-traditional but doesn't mean it's wrong. I don't think you should do it just for a sibling - like others have said I do t live anywhere near mine. My dh is an only child and fine.

Hoppinggreen · 01/03/2022 11:30

@MsTSwift

It’s the head space of teens. Sorry if you haven’t done it you just don’t know. All is well then your 13 year old comes home in tears having been thrown out of her friendship group for no reason…

I am in a large group of friends in our late 40s early 50s we all have teens not one of us is finding it easy - not one. The staying in the bedroom all the time is not a good thing! I’ve got friends worried sick that their sons are doing that. Between us the worries are isolation/lack of social skills/dabbling in drugs/parties/creeping out at night/refusing to do any work in gcse year/shoplifting/online fraud/too intense relationship/abusive relationship and so on! It’s not as physically hard as young children but it’s mentally harder. And those parents that sail through it I suspect their kids aren’t confiding in them.

Teens are mentally pretty hard work and mine are relatively “easy” It’s not as physically exhausting as a baby or toddler but it is draining. The thought of doing both at the same time gives me chills
Goldfishmountainclimber · 01/03/2022 11:53

I think that you should go for it if that is what you want to do.

There will be challenges but everyone has some challenges. You will be tired and menopausal while someone else may have financial worries.

Original poster
Dazedandconfusedm11 · 19/03/2022 18:53

Update: I thought I was starting to go through the menopause..period delayed! I have just found out I am pregnant..happily stunned! I guess decision made.

OP posts:
scootalucy · 19/03/2022 19:08

Congratulations OP x

Haveyoubrushedyourteeth · 19/03/2022 19:15

Oh wow! Huge congratulations OP I'm delighted for you, I hope everything goes well x

Jimmer253 · 19/03/2022 19:19

Huge congratulations to you op, what wonderful news x

Daisy4569 · 19/03/2022 19:40

AMAZING news Smile fate works in mysterious ways. The best of wishes, congratulations! x

Helenahandkart · 19/03/2022 19:55

I’m 48 and childless. If I was lucky enough to fall pregnant now I would have that baby without any hesitation at all.
You are a very lucky lady! Congratulations, and I hope everything goes well with your pregnancy.
You’ve given me hope that it’s not too late.

Curlygirl06 · 19/03/2022 19:55

How lovely! Best wishes with everything.

Original poster
Dazedandconfusedm11 · 19/03/2022 20:04

I don't know if this had anything to do with it, but went sugar-free, started taking supplements, meditated and started weight training etc. Felt the best I have ever done. Hoping everything goes as we wish and trouble-free.

OP posts:
Newuser82 · 19/03/2022 20:21

Ah I've just been reading through your thread and saw this. Am so happy for you, congratulations!! I was hoping at the end you were going to have gone for the treatment so this is good news! At the end of the day anything can happen in life and you just don't know what will happen, how healthy someone will be, how active, how long they will live. It's all just unknown. Why not bring a child into a situation where they are going to be so wanted and so loved by the sounds of it. Wouldn't that be better than the child being born to a 20 something year old who can't be bothered to play or whatever. And for the record my two sons are almost six years apart and they genuinely love each other and play together every day. Yes they argue but I think less than friends kids who are closer in age. I wish you all the luck in the world!

lucylucyapplejuicy · 08/11/2022 16:57

@Dazedandconfusedm11 any update? 🥰 I often think of this thread!

Fattoushi · 08/11/2022 17:01

I never understand the people who say you;re selfish, or youre having a baby for yourself.....why did they have theirs then? Were they the next Dalai Lama or going to cure cancer?
We're all selfish, we all have a baby because we want one. OP is no different to anyone else.

I wouldn't do it at 50, but I don't see the issue. Nobody would be complaining if you were 44/45...what's a few more years? So you might be dead in 15 years, well so might any of us. At least you have security and money and a partner and another kid.

Meh. You do you. What does it matter to anyone else?

Fattoushi · 08/11/2022 17:02

Oh ff, zombie thread. Was only showing the first page....

CeciliaMars · 08/11/2022 17:45

I had 3 children in 5 years via IVF with my last at age 42, but I'd say don't do it. It gets exponentially harder energy-wise as you get older. You'll be nearly 70 by the time they go off to uni!! Plus you will have a 7 year age gap - this is huge. Your older child will not have the same interests as the little one. I have friends with this kind of age gap and it's so hard to keep them both happy - one will need playgrounds and softplay at exactly the age the other one has completely grown out of them - how will you keep both happy? You sound like a lovely mum but I would say stick with one and make his childhood the happiest you can.

XmasElf10 · 08/11/2022 17:50

My parents are healthy and totally active normal adults in their mid 70s. They travel, amuse themselves… they no require support at all. I’m 45 and don’t really feel much older than when I was 25! I don’t think you are mad.

ladydimitrescu · 08/11/2022 18:16

Would love an update on this thread!