Am I Mad...advice please!

[Dazedandconfusedm11]

:50Dazedandconfusedm11

I am 50 and have a lovely and bright 6 year old..conceived naturally. Dad is 42.

I tried for a 2nd soon after but had a few losses. So decided to look at IVF. Due to COVID it delayed the process and I am now at the stage where I can choose a donor egg and try to get pregnant.

I am fit, healthy and financially secure.

Am I Mad for wanting a sibling for my child and a much loved and wanted child?

Anyone out there have a child at 50?

If I miss this chance of having a child this year, then I would not pursue any further.

In one way it is a crazy idea..but the next my child is not too old for a sibling.

My dad was 16 when I was born and he died when I was 9..so I would have loved to have had my dad more than 9 years but young parent did not mean long life...

Also, my m was 16 when I was born and worked all the way through my childhood. Me and my siblings never saw her, played games etc..not her fault that is what she had to do.

I will be mortgage free in a year, could go part time etc and am around every day for my child.

What do you all think?

I think pregnancy at 50 and newborn days could be extremely tough. I had my 2 in my 20s and was still tired. Also you'd still be doing a school run at 60 and I'd worry that your dc could be lumbered with caring responsibilities in their 20s/30s.

On the other hand with being an older mum if your dc had a sibling and they did loose you while they were young or you needed to be cared for at least they would have each other.

Either way good luck

OP, I was full of beans, plenty of energy, motivated and then perimenopause hit and I became another woman.

I'm 52 and really struggle working FT. I can't imagine doing it with a baby on top of a young child.

Some women go through the menopause just fine, but the majority is affected I some way. Sleep is a big big one and with that comes exhaustion.

You do need to consider this.

I think in all honesty the chance of IVF actually working given your age is very very slim.

Do you really want to put yourself through that, physically mentally and financially when you have a child to focus your love and attention on already?

@Daisy4569

I’m going to go against the majority. Life is for living and it is entirely up to you what you feel you can cope with. You have been through it before, you know what to expect.

It’s impossible to know what’s around the corner, some people lose young children parents, some people have young heathy parents who neglect them. For me I’d rather have a shorter time with parents in a home full of love.

It’s also up to you how much pressure is put on your children to look after you in old age. If you are happy to accept help from others then it will help.

You do have to consider the medical side of things and the increased risks but I’m sure you will do this.

You know what is right for you in your gut so please think about peoples opinions but don’t let them decide your path.

Thank you for kind and thoughtful msg.

I feel so conflicted now with many more questions than before.

The opinions have been honest and that was what I wanted but...

I do now feel some self loathing and selfish.

I really don't know now...am I being blinded by my desire for another child and not facing reality.

I just know I have love for another child and think about my experience of not having a dad after10 years old.

I try to reconcile me being 50, that I would loved to have an old parent and 30/40 years with them thanks 16year old dad and 9 years..

What a stupid old fool I am..

I am ready to go with IVF..it could happen with the next month...

Do I gone through all the procedures etc...was due to do it 2 years ago but due to COVID it was delayed...

Would you consider adoption? You could even adopt a child where there's less of an age gap with your daughter.

@Dazedandconfusedm11

Thank you.

I would not get these honest opinions from family and friends.

It's crazy I know and you are all right.

I am sitting here crying my eyes out...I just have to learn to not live with regret...and loss of miscarriages.

Life felt full of hope thinking about 2nd child...

Thank you all.

I am 51 and childless not through choice.

Yes there comes a time when you have to (or should I say it is better to?) accept that the time has passed. I think it has passed for me, you, for any woman who has reached 50. And I don’t think it is great for men to become fathers at 50 either.

I know the following can sound trite, especially if it came from a young woman with thee children, hopefully it will come across the right way from a childless-not-through-choice 50 year old, you are blessed with the one child you have, put your energy into them and count those blessings. Put this idea to rest now.

do what you like, theres no guarantees in life, I dont buy the too old argument.

my grandmother died at 105, my mother at 73 and my aunt in her 40s.

I think it is a lot to put yourself though with a very slim chance of success when you already have a 6 year old. Even if you get the miracle in reality your two children will be over 7 years apart in age and not going to be playmates. They might grow to be close as they grow up but you have the equal chance that they won’t.
I would be enjoying what I already have rather than putting the whole family though the stress and possible poor outcomes.

I would definitely consider adoption but partner has said no in the past.

I guess I have to make a choice soon as I need to pay 10k within the next couple of weeks

The risks of abnormalities with donor eggs are quite high too. We were surprised to find this out when we looked into it as obviously the private clinics don’t publicise this.

Maybe not high, but not uncommon - Down’s syndrome and other conditions have a raised risk and they don’t seem quite able to explain why.

The world is about to go to war and is basically dying a slow death and your considering bringing in another child? Not to mention by the time the child is in their 20s you'll be in your 70s. Selfish.

Also another thing worth noting as a previous poster has said is menopause. My DM was unable to babysit my DC when it hit as it really turned her world upside down. Brain fog, insomnia, terrible mood, tearful, anxiety. This can last years. A baby on top of that would be a lot to handle. The more I think I do think you should just enjoy the 1 DD you have, What are the chances the IVF will be successful at 50?

Peri menopause knocked the stuffing out of me. I couldn’t imagine the awfulness of going through that at the same time as having a toddler - plus toll a pregnancy takes on our bodies; it’s not like they spring back into condition in our 50s.

As a PP mentioned, I had a school friend with much older parents and she was embarrassed about it. They couldn’t physically do the stuff other parents did, they were at a totally different life stage and always seemed apart from the other parents.

As for siblings… I know lots of very happy only children. I also know lots of siblings who don’t get on. DH and his brother are perfectly affable together but don’t care if they don’t see each other for several years. Having the same parents doesn’t mean they will be close.

Choose whatever is best for you and your family, but do so aware of pitfalls your decision may bring.

If you and your partner's ages were reversed, nobody would bat an eyelid.

‘LawnFever

I think in all honesty the chance of IVF actually working given your age is very very slim.’

This is why they recommend using donor eggs after multiple age related losses, eggs from people who are older generally do not become healthy embryos, often riddled with chromosomal issues which is why so many people often (very sadly) have pregnancy losses and then get donor eggs strongly recommended to them.

I don’t mean to be strong in my reply’s op, but I honestly don’t think anyone should push their body when it’s pushing it beyond it’s natural capability.

Someone my partner knows recently lost their very young wife after she got an infection around 20 weeks pregnant and ended up having cardiac arrests and not recovering from them. Just a simple infection.

In the media you’ve got Louise Thompson, heavily known for health and fitness, nearly lost her life during childbirth and spent a month in ICU fighting for her life after his birth.

Healthy young women, struggle with pregnancy and birth.
Please don’t risk your child being motherless now just to give her a sibling she may not even get on with when older.
You might find being a parent at 50 easy now with a 7 year old but having 2 kids is a completely different ball game.

The world is about to go to war and is basically dying a slow death and your considering bringing in another child?

Just as well our ancestors during the two world wars didn't think the same or the human race would have died out by now eh @MushroomCat

Obviously it’s your decision and you sound like you’re in a perfect position to have another child - but your age is relevant.

Yes, we’re all much ‘younger’ these days but you may not have fully considered the effect of menopause and general ageing on your ability to cope with another very small child. I’m very fit and healthy but at 55 my energy levels are nowhere near what they were at 49/50.

You also haven’t yet had to deal with a teenager. IMO this is the time they’ll really need you the most - when they’re the most challenging and demanding and difficult, and potentially confused and unhappy. That’s exhausting enough when you’re relatively young (and I had my youngest at 40 so I was no spring chicken), but I can’t imagine trying to relate to a stroppy 15 year old in my mid-sixties. However youthful you feel you are, they will effectively inhabit a different world to you, which will be tough for you and them. There’s a reason we’re meant to be grandparents at that age, at one remove from the coalface of parenting.

And there will be at least a 7-8 year age gap between your children, so until adulthood they’ll always be at very different stages. That doesn’t mean they won’t be close, but you have to accept they might not be.

I’m honestly not trying to discourage you, but I think there are probably factors you may not have considered. Good luck with whatever you decide.

They would, there’s been threads on here with women saying don’t do it, your partner is too old etc.

@Uafasach

I’m 50 and can think of few things worse than having a baby now
Still, you obviously feel differently but please don’t assume your child will be happy to have a sibling or that they will get on later.

Only do it because you want another child, not because you don't want your current child to be lonely. Not every only child is lonely, I never wanted a sibling. I had friends, and it was nice when they went home at the end of the day. Plus there's no guarantees they will like each other, what if they hate each other? Your current child is used to being an only child now, this could make them jealous and hate their sibling. It's happened before, it will happen again. And with you planning to go part time, that's just an added reason for jealousy. You'd be spending more time with the new child than you did with your current one which they may not like.

Your situation otherwise is great. But you will be seen as a grandparent by high school. Are you OK with that too?

I’m really quite surprised many of you think having a parent who is financially comfortable makes for the ideal situation for having a child at this age too?

I mean, there’s children who are from very poor families who still manage to have a great childhood

@Uafasach

The world is about to go to war and is basically dying a slow death and your considering bringing in another child?

Just as well our ancestors during the two world wars didn't think the same or the human race would have died out by now eh @MushroomCat

Yes but that was before global warming was noticed etc. We'll be lucky if we make it to 2050 without mass starvation across the globe.

I just can't believe in this day and age people think it's okay to bring more life's into this dying world. Natural pregnancy happens but to go out and purposely have IVF... I don't agree with it sorry. That's just my opinion though.

It's such a difficult choice.

I'd say no because parenting teenagers in my late 60s sounds like hell but meh yours may be a freeze!

I am no contact with my older sibling and sincerely hope if you had a second you would be able to nurture a better relationship than my parents did.

You would be allowed to adopt a baby at 50, plenty of men become Dads at 59 so a big part of me says go for it.

Do you think you will be able to deal with not having a 2nd if the IVF fails than having not tried at all?

The biggest downside which applies to everyone choosing to have a child is severe illness or disability and the lifelong impact that has on every family member and the marriage.

It honestly hadn't occurred to me about the ethics of those donating eggs to help fund their own treatment. I considered donating eggs but I was on the cusp of the age limits and the lack of compensation for and the actual day to day risks of the drug regime put me off. Logistically would have been a nightmare travelling, getting childcare etc.