Am I Mad...advice please!

[Dazedandconfusedm11]

:50Dazedandconfusedm11

I am 50 and have a lovely and bright 6 year old..conceived naturally. Dad is 42.

I tried for a 2nd soon after but had a few losses. So decided to look at IVF. Due to COVID it delayed the process and I am now at the stage where I can choose a donor egg and try to get pregnant.

I am fit, healthy and financially secure.

Am I Mad for wanting a sibling for my child and a much loved and wanted child?

Anyone out there have a child at 50?

If I miss this chance of having a child this year, then I would not pursue any further.

In one way it is a crazy idea..but the next my child is not too old for a sibling.

My dad was 16 when I was born and he died when I was 9..so I would have loved to have had my dad more than 9 years but young parent did not mean long life...

Also, my m was 16 when I was born and worked all the way through my childhood. Me and my siblings never saw her, played games etc..not her fault that is what she had to do.

I will be mortgage free in a year, could go part time etc and am around every day for my child.

What do you all think?

Heck no OP I certainly would never have had a child at 50.
My own opinion is that it would be quite irresponsible to have a child 2 generations apart.
Being a grandma would be lovely at that age if planned by your offspring which is highly unlikely.
Be happy for what you have and stay young 😀

I think this is an incredibly personal decision.

To be honest I probably would as well.

The age difference is fine..me and sister are exactly the same age difference and we are the best of friends.

I never thought about the ethical side of women being forced to sell eggs due to poverty. That is thought-provoking!

My fertility journey has been since my 30s due to medical..so this has been a long, tiring and emotional journey...so this potential action is not on a whim.

I am so interested in people's opinions...thanks for all sharing.

Having a 7 year age gap means that through childhood the two won't have a lot of common ground but I guess they may as adults and would hopefully be there for each other once you're not able to be.

Does your DD have cousins she's close to? It seems like a lot of ifs to go ahead with another pregnancy.

Your reasoning that the siblings would have each other - I just don't see it myself. I'm emotionally close to my 2 sibling but our lives are completely separate. They live hundreds of miles away. We don't see each other often. When my parents die I will continue to spend a lot more time with my friends and the support network I have built up where I live. I'll continue to see my siblings once or twice a year. I love them very much but they're simply not present in my daily life. I have many friends in a similar situation - their siblings live far away and they don't see them much, despite getting on well with them. Sadly families are often dispersed these days. You have no idea if your existing child and future child will be close, emotionally or in terms of physical distance. An only child will create their own life with friendships and probably a family of their own. I personally wouldn't have a child at 50. I'm 47 and already tired and perimenopausal. Do you really want a baby/toddler as you go through the menopause? Do you want to be dealing with a teenager in the house when you're 70? OK, you're fit and healthy now but who knows if your health will decline as you go through your 60s. The risk of cancers, heart disease etc increases dramatically after 50. I know plenty of only children who are adults. They are not lonely. They have friends and families of their own.

i think yabu based on my own experience.

my parents were 42 & 47 when they had me (I have older siblings) .. Once they hit 70 I've had constant stress and anxiety about their health as things start going wrong.. I also have great guilt leaving them to get on with my own life elsewhere in the country.. and have very little to do with my siblings with a 8 year gap, purely because we grew up totally separately for as long as I can remember. they were teenagers and out and about with their friends rather than hanging around with me!

There are questions marks over the ethics of donor eggs. But that aside, if you were 42 and your dh 50, no one would say you were too old. Go for it. (Assume people will think you are grandma)

Friend had a baby ay 50 using donor eggs. She had every pregnancy complication you could imagine and a cesarean which took months to recover from. Her body has been severely impacted by the pregnancy as nothing springs back when you are 50. She says herself that she no longer ever looks at herself naked and her breasts are resting either side of her belly button. The main impact is time and energy. She isn't as financially savvy as you Op so she is still working full time and will have to work well into her seventies. She is completely exhausted . It is made more difficult that the rest of the group had children in our twenties so those children are now having children. We are free to indulge our grandchildren, she is shattered.

Some thoughts:
Having kids is always a selfish act.
Nobody would bat an eyelid if this was someone with a 50 yo DH even though it’s advanced paternal age linked to abnormalities.
You don’t need to provide your DC with a sibling and if the sibling were disabled, it would be a significant burden.
If you live until 85 (very normal these days), the kid would be mid 30s. Not the same as leaving an orphan.
Re getting teased at school for having older parents, same would go for disabled parents, fat parents, gay parents etc. No, it wouldn’t fuck someone up for life.
Ultimately, it’s your choice.

Have you considered adoption though? If you’re giving up work you could potentially provide a lovely home for a child who needs one rather than spending thousands on creating a new life. Just a thought.

This is hard....

Maybe my rosy view is because me and my siblings are so close and live within 10min of each other..see each every week etc.

Also, I have 2 friends who are only children and they have told me how lonely they were. So much I am heartbroken about my child being alone.this is the view they have filled me with.

Regarding looking after elderly parents..regardless of age it will always be stressful.my MIL in her 60s looks after her mother in 90s and can't cope physically or mentally and is a wreck. She needs to look after herself.

I agree no one says anything about older dad's much..

But I hear you all...

I'm 51 and I know I could never do it, I'm a grandma to a three year old. I've helped look after her since she was born. Daughter went back to uni when she was born and is now a nurse so she relies on us for childcare quite a lot.
I love looking after her but it's so tiring, physically and mentally, I know I couldn't do it full time. I need a lot of sleep these days, a good eight hours of uninterrupted sleep or I feel exhausted.

Yeah but people always pick out something they wish had been different. Only children say they were lonely, those with lots of siblings say they didn’t get enough attention, those with single parents say they wish they had both parents, lots of adults are NC with their parents. There’s always something that could have been better and growing up an only child is not the worst thing in the world that could happen to a person.

Also if there is a large age gap between the siblings or they’re opposite sex, they may not be as close as you’d hope anyway.

There’s no need for you to do this, it would be just for you. However, that’s the case with any person any age having children.

we lose our fertility for a reason op

Evolution theory suggests this to protect women from too many labours and children from risk of maternal death. Women also live longer than men due to oestrogen so they can be around for the grandchildren

OP your life expectancy is around forty years plenty of lifespan unless you are unlucky

My dbro and have ten years between us, my DC have nine we are all close.

I couldn’t do it all again at that age though so for that reason YABU

I guess you are in a unique position in that you have no elderly parents to worry about

At 50, I see a lot of my peers are looking after elderly or sick parents now

Like you I am 50, and struggle with the idea of no more babies, it really tugs at my heart strings and I find it hard to accept my mothering days are over (DC are 20 and 18), like you I am not yet menopausal or even peri, so the idea still keeps popping up

I won't though, as I think I am too old now, even though I am fit and sporty, I feel it would be tough to parent a difficult teen in my mid 60s .... for example

Or even a wilful you child in my mid 50s...

Sadly, most of my friends in their 50s have health issues, some serious, some less serious but even needing a knee or hip op would be tougher if looking after a small child too

Ultimately it's your choice, but I think that, sadly, we age quite rapidly in our 50s...

if you're using donor eggs, please check out the Donor conceived people - Facebook group, to get a good understanding of the challenges and issues the children/adults face and to ensure its done in the least damaging way.

I think you really need to be sure you're slung this flee the right reasons and with your eyes open. Sometimes when we're denied something we want, the desire for that thing can become very inflated and it's easily to lose sight of practicalities. If you're absolutely sure this is what you want and what life might be like (no-one ever knows for sure), then why not?

Sorry, no, you are being selfish. And jeezo, please don’t have a child so your existing child has a sibling. They may not like each other, may move to opposite sides of the world, or just not care. There are plenty children in the world already.

Yeah although as I said previously I don't think yabu actually but I don't think your main motivation should be to provide a sibling.
I have two, one is severely disabled so my other child does not have that sibling relationship that I hoped for and will likely have some caring responsibility when we die if her sibling is still here .
I also know many people kids and adults who do not have a close relationship with siblings.
I however am extremely close to my sibling so have felt bad for my daughter in the past and even considered having another child but realized that that would not have been fair on anyone given our situation.
My nephew is an only and he is extremely happy, has a great hone life snd loads of friends. He honestly doesn't care that he doesn't have a sibling.

Thank you.

I would not get these honest opinions from family and friends.

It's crazy I know and you are all right.

I am sitting here crying my eyes out...I just have to learn to not live with regret...and loss of miscarriages.

Life felt full of hope thinking about 2nd child...

Thank you all.

I think, since you already have a young child, since you're financially secure and since your partner is younger, that you're not being unreasonable.

I had twins at 47, after years of IVF. I would have preferred to have them a few years earlier, but it is what it is. I had a completely uneventful pregnancy - no nausea/sickness, hid it in work till 25 weeks, worked till 36 weeks, and gave birth at 38 weeks (full term for twins). The c-section was textbook - up running around the next day with no pain or any issues.

Yes, I'm tired parenting two toddlers as I'm about to turn 50, and working a senior high-pressure job, but I'd be tired if I were 20 years younger too!

As for older parents - my mum was 42 having me and 44 having my brother, and is a healthy 92 now (my dad a healthy 93). I was always proud of having an older mum, since she was a "career girl" in the 70s, before stopping to have kids.

A consideration is retirement age, but it sounds like you're financially secure. Ive savings to cover private school and university for my kids, but will still have to work till about 65.

If it's right for your family OP then go for it, don't let strangers on MN put you off! It's very easy to say it's unreasonable when you've been lucky enough to get pregnant and have children easily

I’m going to go against the majority. Life is for living and it is entirely up to you what you feel you can cope with. You have been through it before, you know what to expect.

It’s impossible to know what’s around the corner, some people lose young children parents, some people have young heathy parents who neglect them. For me I’d rather have a shorter time with parents in a home full of love.

It’s also up to you how much pressure is put on your children to look after you in old age. If you are happy to accept help from others then it will help.

You do have to consider the medical side of things and the increased risks but I’m sure you will do this.

You know what is right for you in your gut so please think about peoples opinions but don’t let them decide your path.

We had a similar conversation when we decided to have our second. I was 41 but my OH was 51 and not at all sure he could cope mentally (and physically) with the stresses of having another baby. We did go ahead and yes we are very happy to have both. Ironically we often think though that the older child would have been happier as a single child. He’s very quiet and self contained where the younger one is physical and constantly on his case. Age gap though is just under 3 years so they are able to play together and keep each other company.

Like you we are reasonably financially secure so we will cope on that side. However it has massively changed our expectations of life after work. With two relatively young children we won’t be travelling the world when DH retires. So you need to be comfortable that this is what you really want for your later life. For us though - no regrets..

I'm not sure I physically could do pregnancy/birth/sleepless nights at that age but DH was mid-50s when DD was born and it's been very positive. Yes, he gets tired more easily but the greater financial security and confidence of being older has been great. Also, it gives you more flexibility - he's since taken early retirement to be a SAHD so we've effectively got two incomes but low/no childcare costs?! So, in terms of parental time and input it's fantastic.

Yes, there are risks from being an older parent but I've lost friends in their 30s to cancer who left behind small children so no guarantees whatever age you have them. Just make sure you have financial planning etc in place just in case and make clear what provision for emotional support and care your kids will have.

@Dazedandconfusedm11

Thank you.

I would not get these honest opinions from family and friends.

It's crazy I know and you are all right.

I am sitting here crying my eyes out...I just have to learn to not live with regret...and loss of miscarriages.

Life felt full of hope thinking about 2nd child...

Thank you all.

OP, I think you should not let the opinions of strangers on the internet influence your decision in this.

I know and have known women successfully delivering around the age of 50 where I live. Granted with the help of IVF and donor eggs.

I understand other peoples' opposition to it, but I don't agree and think if you are fit, healthy and financially very stable then go for it.

At the very least get a consultation from a good fertility clinic.

I am sorry for your losses.