Am I Mad...advice please!

[Dazedandconfusedm11]

:50Dazedandconfusedm11

I am 50 and have a lovely and bright 6 year old..conceived naturally. Dad is 42.

I tried for a 2nd soon after but had a few losses. So decided to look at IVF. Due to COVID it delayed the process and I am now at the stage where I can choose a donor egg and try to get pregnant.

I am fit, healthy and financially secure.

Am I Mad for wanting a sibling for my child and a much loved and wanted child?

Anyone out there have a child at 50?

If I miss this chance of having a child this year, then I would not pursue any further.

In one way it is a crazy idea..but the next my child is not too old for a sibling.

My dad was 16 when I was born and he died when I was 9..so I would have loved to have had my dad more than 9 years but young parent did not mean long life...

Also, my m was 16 when I was born and worked all the way through my childhood. Me and my siblings never saw her, played games etc..not her fault that is what she had to do.

I will be mortgage free in a year, could go part time etc and am around every day for my child.

What do you all think?

@Justkeeppedaling

Assuming you got pregnant quickly - how would you feel about having a 16 year old at 66? It's hard work!

Kids get more expensive as they get older, not less. Would you be able to put a child through uni on your pension?

And what it the child you get has disabilities - would you be able to cope if, for example, you needed to do a lot of lifting in and out of wheelchairs?

Are you up for teenage sleepovers in your mid 60s? I'm 61, and the thought horrifies me!!

And there would be at least 6 years between your DCs, so they're not going to grow up to be all that close. I think what would happen is that the older child would take on more of a parental role for the younger one - baby sitting etc, and that's not fair on her.

Honestly, I'd stick with the healthy child you have. If you like kids, volunteer with Guiding or some other children's charity. There are (unfortunately) plenty of kids who appreciate having a maternal adult around outside of the family unit to look to for support (I speak as an ex Guider).

Thank you for the advice.

That is a good idea about volunteering with children and something I would definitely pursue.

@bigdecisionstomake

I am going to go against the grain and say that if you feel fit enough to cope with a pregnancy and being a mum again then go for it. I think only you can know this.

I think having a sibling is an amazing thing. I appreciate it's not always possible for everyone but my life is certainly enhanced by having a sibling, even though he lives in a different country. As my parents have aged it has been and continues to be a real reassurance knowing that there are two of us to take the responsibility and decisions together that may need to be made for them. We also enjoy spending time together whenever we can and our children do too.

I think ultimately, if you are always going to live with the 'what ifs' and 'what could have beens' then you will regret not at least giving it a go - as long as you are sensible and realistic about the chances of success and the impact on your life going forwards if you are successful.

Wishing you the very best of luck whatever you decide.

Thank you.

Those kind words have not made it easy. I was thinking of giving up on the idea given the opinions, but now I feel s little hope.

'Deep breath'

2 is also a lot more than 1, and with your DD being 7 you've probably forgotten those early days but they are tough! Infact I think the first 3 years are very mentally and physically tiring. Then you've got your older one too on top of that. Will you have energy at 60 to keep up with a 10 year old? I know a lot of grandparents that age who are shattered after a weekend with the grandkids. Not trying to put you off but it will be hard. You'll also probably be the oldest mum at school, not up to date with the latest fashions once they become a teenager, spending your 65-70s day anxiously worrying about them while they are teenagers, won't be able to support them that much once they have their own children

One birth child is enough in your circumstances. Perhaps look into adoption or fostering?

50 is far too old to be having a child
It is very selfish.

Do want you want to do! The judgement here is awful! I'm 46 (youngest child is 1). I walk 35,000 steps a day. I have plenty of energy! Plenty of celebrities have children in their late 40s, early 50s. If the clinic are happy with you that would be good enough for me. I have a friend who conceived naturally at 48 and had no problems at all. It's unusual but not impossible.

It's not about having the energy at 50 to deal with a baby/toddler. I'm 51 and have heaps of energy. But it's the pre-teen and teenage years after 60 that would be harder and unfair on the child too.

And yes, I think saddling a child with someone who is old enough to be, and who looks like, their grandparent, is just not fair on the child.

(and that's before you consider the whole likelihood of you becoming infirm or dying before they're even 20). It isn't fair on the child.

I used to know someone who had a child at 54 using a donor egg, after several miscarriages. The child is now around 22 and her mother is still healthy and active, so from that point of view it can work out. I have no idea what sort of a relationship they have, however, - the mother was very driven in all sorts of ways and carried on working full time till she was around 70, so I suspect much of the work involved in bringing her up was left to nannies and schools.

All those saying it's selfish - would they say the same to a woman who's family have strong genetics for cancer? Who has had cancer but survived? Is disabled and would need help with their child? If the OP is fit and healthy there is no reason not to. At 44 I was repeatedly asked by the obstetric doctors if I would have another - when I laughed "I'm too old" they all, without fail said "no you're not - we have plenty of women in there'll it 40s now"

Typos! "...in their 40s now"

Hmm, at 50 I thought I was doing brilliantly for my age, very fit and active, running, swimming, frequently told I look 35.
At 53 and menopausal, I'm knackered all the time, can barely manage to walk the dog let alone run 5k every morning! There's nothing medically wrong, It just feels that suddenly life has caught up with me. I couldn't imagine having a baby to look after.
Lots of my friends were planning on looking after their grandchildren FT but found it such hard work they have cut that to a couple of days.
If you have the financial means of say Elton John, then go for it. Otherwise I think you are quite mad.

@lucylucyapplejuicy

2 is also a lot more than 1, and with your DD being 7 you've probably forgotten those early days but they are tough! Infact I think the first 3 years are very mentally and physically tiring. Then you've got your older one too on top of that. Will you have energy at 60 to keep up with a 10 year old? I know a lot of grandparents that age who are shattered after a weekend with the grandkids. Not trying to put you off but it will be hard. You'll also probably be the oldest mum at school, not up to date with the latest fashions once they become a teenager, spending your 65-70s day anxiously worrying about them while they are teenagers, won't be able to support them that much once they have their own children

That made me laugh...

Keeping up with latest fashions....haha.

I am not me nan..saying that my nan probably dresses younger than most 40/50 years old...

I hear ya.....

I have just sent off for fostering and adoption packs...

You are a harsh crew...but there was useful snippets and nice words to keep me thinking...

I will spend sometime pondering it over...

if the clinic are happy with you
Ha!!
Love this, as if the clinic cares about anything except for its profits. Those private clinics have millionaire directors, of course they will sell you the dream whilst taking your cash!

Would you consider adopting?
There are so many children needing a loving home with parents such as yourself.
The child adopted maybe a similar age to your child too.

Fostering and adoption is really really hard work and can have a massive impact on birth children.

I wish people wouldn't come on and do the "adopt" instead.

Too old for a birth child but young enough ti take on the additional emotional demands of an adopted child 🤷🏽‍♀️

@RandomMess

Fostering and adoption is really really hard work and can have a massive impact on birth children.

I wish people wouldn't come on and do the "adopt" instead.

Too old for a birth child but young enough ti take on the additional emotional demands of an adopted child 🤷🏽‍♀️

Yes, I don't think in anyway adopting/fostering is an easy option. I have sent off for the packs, but it always has to work for my family. I do have positive stories of adoption and fostering and without it, my cousin's would be the well rounded and adjusted people they are. If they stayed with my auntie, then they would have been fu*ked up.

I know there is lots involved with this option and needs to ensure adopted child is No1 in all this.

@StScholastica

if the clinic are happy with you Ha!! Love this, as if the clinic cares about anything except for its profits. Those private clinics have millionaire directors, of course they will sell you the dream whilst taking your cash!

I always thought this with clinics abroad, but you think more ethical with UK clinic.

Why would they not take my money and promise the earth.

I have serious doubts now..

Who would have thought a forum might change the course of my families history..

@RandomMess

Fostering and adoption is really really hard work and can have a massive impact on birth children.

I wish people wouldn't come on and do the "adopt" instead.

Too old for a birth child but young enough ti take on the additional emotional demands of an adopted child 🤷🏽‍♀️

Do you have any experience of this or problems that could arise?

Sorry, but the decision to have a baby, and to put yourself through IVF is such a personal one, that I don’t think you should allow your decisions to be dictated by strangers on the internet.

There are countless threads on here about 35 being too old for a first baby and how irresponsible it is etc. People will always judge.
Do what YOU want to do, and what YOU feel is best for your family. Don’t set your future by the opinions of strangers on an Internet forum

@Derbee

Sorry, but the decision to have a baby, and to put yourself through IVF is such a personal one, that I don’t think you should allow your decisions to be dictated by strangers on the internet.

There are countless threads on here about 35 being too old for a first baby and how irresponsible it is etc. People will always judge.
Do what YOU want to do, and what YOU feel is best for your family. Don’t set your future by the opinions of strangers on an Internet forum

I agree with this. It is up to you Op, and your partner to decide what is best, not people on here, who will not be affected one way or another.

YABU. I know there are no guarantees in life but you are much more likely to be in ill health/ pass away the older you get. My Nana was 50 when I was born. She’s 75 now. She has been an old lady as long as I can remember. I think she got poorly in her mid 50’s after menopause hit in full swing. I can’t imagine her ever having a young child. We are very close but there’s a lot of my life experiences she has had to miss out on because of this. She also has children who look after her. I couldn’t imagine potentially having caring responsibilities from being a teenager onwards. There are no guarantees, but I don’t like those odds.

I wouldn’t t do it but I have a friend my age who had her fourth and fifth at 52 and 54 respectively. They’ve now got 7 between them. However she is incredibly rich and has a lot of staff and private medical care.

I am sorry but I don't think I would. I had two children in my 30's so was very lucky I know, I begged and begged for another but my husband was not keen so we left it at that. When I was 45 I was diagnoised with cancer first thought was for my children and the possibility of leaving them, although it was hard for my two at 13 and 11, I often I thought how grateful I was not to have had the third. Luckily I am now cancer free but have to have yearly checks so it is always in the back of your mind, I enjoy every moment I can with the family I have.

I really don't know what do for the best...

My head is wrecked....lots of soul searching for me this weekend.

I will speak to 1 of my sisters again, who tells it how it is. She said what is the fascination of having more than1 child.....but this is easy to come from a mum of 3, who had her 1st at 18.

@Dazedandconfusedm11

Yes...the chances are the same as someone in their 20s..it is a donor egg. This was what they told me and have 85% live births for women over 45.

Could anyone send me link on MN to direct me to folks I can ask on this forum about donor eggs and IVF.

I’m so sorry but I find that statistic extremely difficult to believe. Do much more research. If you’ve had fertility issues since your 30s it strikes me as very, very unlikely to be a successful outcome unfortunately.

Only you can judge if another child is right for your family now.