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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP upset about ‘secret’ name change

254 replies

HamstersAteMySandwich · 26/02/2022 01:24

I’ve always disliked my first name as I felt it was too cutesy for me, and have never felt any connection to my last name as I didn’t have the best relationship with my dad. When I was 22, I decided to change my entire name (brand new first/middle name, made my last name-sounding middle name my last name) via deed poll. That was more than 10 years ago.

Today, DP and I were sorting out some documents and we stumbled upon my birth certificate. We talked about it, all was fine.

Just before bed she confessed that she felt like I had hid things from her, especially with my ‘made up’ last name (she had a brief interest in genealogy but back then she was merely doing her own family tree and it was early on in the relationship). It’s never been a secret it’s just something that hasn’t come up since the last time someone called me it was way back when I was in year 8 or so.

Am I in the wrong here? She doesn’t want to talk about this and has gone to bed but now I can’t sleep.

post edited to remove identifying details, as requested by the OP.

OP posts:

Mediocrates · 27/02/2022 17:49

@fairylightsandwaxmelts

I can see why she's upset.

If I found out someone was lying about their name I'd probably wonder what else they were hiding from me.

OP isn't lying about her name; she's using her legal name?

Cocomarine · 27/02/2022 17:52

@BlondeWidow

I'm more baffled by a man being called Mimi!

Seriously though, you've been together a few more than a year or two, I don't see the big deal. I would be annoyed if it was a long term relationship and I'd never been told.

YABU for making up a last name though. It makes life so much harder for those of us who build family trees! (Joking!)

Not as baffled as I am by someone who can be alive in 2022 and not consider any relationship other than male/female.

Refresh your browser please: it’s a little out of date! 🤣

Flanelle · 27/02/2022 18:06

Let her think it through and get back to you. Just be normally affectionate etc in the mean time.

PeachyPeachTrees · 27/02/2022 18:16

You haven't hidden a secret. You've only been together 1 year and it hadn't come up in conversation yet. I assume she has trust issues from a past relationship where someone was keeping secrets.
Put her at ease by explaining and give her time to come round.

whynotwhatknot · 27/02/2022 18:38

It wasnt really her business but you explained and she still not talking to you

thats manipulative

FreddieMercurysCat · 27/02/2022 18:54

I don’t think YABU. My name had been changed by deed poll twice by the time I met my 2nd husband. He thought my surname was my married name, which it would have been except I changed it by deed poll to my first husband’s before we married. He didn’t realise that my mum hand changed my name by deed poll when I was a toddler either. I wasn’t hiding anything, it just didn’t come up. All in all my name has been changed by deed poll 4 times for varying reasons.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 27/02/2022 19:15

I've got an ex who changed his name after I dumped him (the two things aren't directly connected).

Thing is, he did it so that he could stay 'under the radar' - he used his birth name for some things, his new name for others and that way, if there was ever a situation where somebody wanted to report an issue (like stalking, inappropriate behaviour or trying to track him down for CMS, I suspect), they'd have the 'wrong' name and he'd deny it was him - without photographic evidence to the contrary, there would be no proof. And then, also knowing him, if somebody did find out that they'd been living with somebody else cocklodging, he'd come up with some cock and bull story about Witness Protection.

Dnaltocs · 27/02/2022 19:37

I’m thinking why you never said? For me it would be a biggie. We can all tweek our names but to change by deed pole and not say is a whole different scene. I’d wonder what else you’ve kept secret. You seem to be living together yet didn’t think to disclose. You’d not see me for dust.

Supermum29 · 27/02/2022 19:38

My sister has done the same thing, I’d be very shocked if she felt the need to explain to people that she had changed her name. What difference does it make!? I’d expect it to come up in conversation at some stage but not something you’d need to disclose early on. I think the only time you’d really be justified to be upset is if it was linked to crime in any way.

OhLordyWhatNow · 27/02/2022 19:46

@NeverDropYourMooncup

I've got an ex who changed his name after I dumped him (the two things aren't directly connected).

Never worry about CMS they can track through national insurance number, employers, and any benefits and will see all aliases.

MammaMacgill87 · 27/02/2022 20:35

I'm firmly in the camp of 'wtf' why is everyone thinking this is a huge deal? A name is literally just some words on paper. Now if you'd had a sex change or been married or fled a foreign country as a spy I'd get why they were upset, but it's just a name, your name and bugger all to do with anyone else. I say all this as I've also changed my name by deed poll, some people know some don't but unless they directly asked me 'hey have you ever had another name' when on earth does it just pop up in conversation? Leave them to sleep, clarify in the morning your reasons for changing it then end with 'im happy and proud of my name as it is now and as it was when we met so I felt no need to explain I'd changed it'
Some folk have weird wider trust issues and tbh that's their problem. Its your name and I don't see why anyone else gets to pretend to be upset or 'decieved' by it.

Islandgirl68 · 27/02/2022 20:37

I think they are over reacting, it is something you did 10 years ago, so why is it such a big deal. Some people read too much into things and make mountains out of molehills.

MNHQ

LivMumsnet · 27/02/2022 21:05

Evening, @HamstersAteMySandwich we've edited your first post now, as requested. Hope that helps.

Stilsmiling · 27/02/2022 22:02

I guess it could be a trust issue. Changing your name is a fairly big deal for most people. If you’ve been together for a year and have chatted about childhoods, family etc then the fact that you used to be known by another name would seem part of that story.
I suppose she could feel like there could be other things that you haven’t disclosed to her, maybe she is feeling insecure now and working out how she gets her head back into the trusting relationship you had.
Ask her what she is thinking, what her worries are, acknowledge her feelings, explain your thoughts again.
Good luck.

PearlyShamps · 27/02/2022 22:11

Firstly - no, YANBU. It just never came up, I get it.

Secondly - your DP most certainly is BU. She brought up how she was feeling about this just before bed? Then didn't want to talk about it? Leaving you to stew on it all night. That is very unreasonable behaviour and not at all nice.

StoneofDestiny · 27/02/2022 22:59

I know someone who changed their name by deed pole to get rid of their original name and have no links to it. If they told anybody they would have links to it again! Why should they have to tell anybody something they tried to have no association with at all?
We really don't have to know everything about people. There are somethings private and personal.

Mothership4two · 28/02/2022 06:12

I think your partner is being ridiculous OP. And not talking about it and giving you the cold shoulder is going into manipulative territory. Just what have you apologised for?

I didn't find out until about a year into our relationship that my DH went by his middle name and not his first name. It was interesting for about a minute. After that, so what?

Mothership4two · 28/02/2022 06:17

@MammaMacgill87

I'm firmly in the camp of 'wtf' why is everyone thinking this is a huge deal? A name is literally just some words on paper...

...Some folk have weird wider trust issues and tbh that's their problem. Its your name and I don't see why anyone else gets to pretend to be upset or 'decieved' by it

^^this

LimaCharlieHotelPapa · 28/02/2022 09:45

I don't think you've done anything wrong here and think she has overreacted a tad, but what I would say is that we can never know what's going on in someone else's head or what is and isn't important to them. Being in a relationship is about trust and having been together for a year she obviously already knows a lot about you. An identity is something we automatically assume is something that stays with you for life, unless you marry and change your name. It may not be a big deal to you but it is something I would assume would come up in conversation earlier and has probably shaken what she thinks she knows about you - in her defence, she can't see into your head and doesn't know if there's something else she may not know and I don't mean that in a clandestine way, just that she thought she knew things about you and she may now think she doesn't know you as well as she thought. We do also know that there aren't nice people out there who deliberately hide things and it is often understandable for people to assume something negative when they are emotionally involved - and therefore vulnerable.

For what it's worth, my other half had his name changed when he was a few years old when his mum remarried. This did come up quite early on in our relationship because he was introducing me to his step dad, who he has always considered his real dad. I have always been curious about his biological family and what happened - and have respected this with him and his mum - but it is something that - as a long term partner and father of our child - we share between us. Having a name change is not in the least bit important to him, but being in a relationship is knowing and understanding the person you're with and being honest with them, so I can understand she might be shaken.

I dont agree with posters who think she's being manipulate etc, I think that these sort of things should be known and she just needs a little clarification and reassurance. I'd explain why it wasn't a big deal to you and didn't occur to you to mention sooner. She might need to hear the same message a few times and just have a bit of reassurance. Hope it works itself out soon.

TheBigPeach · 28/02/2022 11:08

I can see her point of view in that she probably felt that she knew you, this has probably shaken that and given her some doubts about that. The giving you the cold shoulder is a bit much though, can she not just discuss it like an adult?

ValerieCupcake · 28/02/2022 11:42

I work with someone who's changed her name. We were all out on a work lunch once and an elderly man came over and said "hello it's Brenda isn't it?" and she said no, sorry, you must have got the wrong person, or I must have a Doppelganger ha ha."

She told a few of us the story later. She was called Brenda or had been. But she hated it and went by her middle name all through school from starting at secondary. She changed her name by deed poll to the middle name plus a new middle name. She got married and then divorced and changed her surname to her mother's maiden name. She didn't get on with her dad and couldn't stand her XH either.

I wondered about the birth certificate thing and proving your identity. She said she's never used her birth certificate since. She's always used her passport for identification for everything.

And she has been in a relationship with someone for 10 years who never knew she was once called Brenda. The managers and HR don't know either. She is not a liar, manipulative or anything like that.

I think this is the same sort of situation.

TopCatsTopHat · 28/02/2022 12:37

The discovery causing concern is just personal perspective, giving someone the cold shoulder instead of talking about it and sorting it out is childish.

Blueink · 28/02/2022 13:16

Valerie, why did she pretend mistaken identity rather than say what she said to the old man, especially when she was going to tell you later?
OP YANBU

ValerieCupcake · 28/02/2022 15:31

@Blueink

Valerie, why did she pretend mistaken identity rather than say what she said to the old man, especially when she was going to tell you later? OP YANBU

I think it was just kneejerk and being caught out. She did look awkward at the time. She fessed up when we were teasing her about the old guy being a potential love interest and her reaction told us there was something odd about it. I don't think she planned to tell us. If she hadn't been teased she might not have. She only told two of us later and we haven't said anything.

Mirw · 28/02/2022 16:08

You didnt change your name for fraudulent purposes so I don't know 2hat the big deal is. People change their name all the time, hence the deed poll system. If you were getting married or getting a mortgage together, I could see why you would tell her, but otherwise no big deal.

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