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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP upset about ‘secret’ name change

254 replies

HamstersAteMySandwich · 26/02/2022 01:24

I’ve always disliked my first name as I felt it was too cutesy for me, and have never felt any connection to my last name as I didn’t have the best relationship with my dad. When I was 22, I decided to change my entire name (brand new first/middle name, made my last name-sounding middle name my last name) via deed poll. That was more than 10 years ago.

Today, DP and I were sorting out some documents and we stumbled upon my birth certificate. We talked about it, all was fine.

Just before bed she confessed that she felt like I had hid things from her, especially with my ‘made up’ last name (she had a brief interest in genealogy but back then she was merely doing her own family tree and it was early on in the relationship). It’s never been a secret it’s just something that hasn’t come up since the last time someone called me it was way back when I was in year 8 or so.

Am I in the wrong here? She doesn’t want to talk about this and has gone to bed but now I can’t sleep.

post edited to remove identifying details, as requested by the OP.

OP posts:
QueenofGallifrey · 26/02/2022 17:45

I had to change my name for protection purposes so my ex partner can’t find me. If someone I was in a relationship with found out ‘who I really was’ I would hope that they could see that the even though my name is different, I am still the same loving and kind person , no matter what I am called.

AmosBear · 26/02/2022 17:49

I don't understand why you would need to tell some this. It's not a secret. Your name is legally what it is and it's the same as when she met you. Weird to be upset by it. I changed my surname to match my step-grandfather s when I was 18, it wouldn't occur to me to tell my partner that out of the blue because it's irrelevant. My name is what it is now.

OhLordyWhatNow · 26/02/2022 18:00

@JustLyra

There’s no flaw in my argument other than your assumption that my past is the only reason I have my opinion. You’ve assumed I haven’t tried to be objective because if I was I’d have your opinion.

I haven't made any assumptions I've used the information available at the time. If you want to provide more that's fine, if you don't, also fine.

That’s not accepting people having other opinions, it’s the opposite and assuming you’re right and they’re wrong.

Straight back at you. 🙄. My opinion is my opinion, you've done nothing to persuade me otherwise.

You're entitled to your opinion, I'm entitled to mine. I don't feel obliged to change.

OhLordyWhatNow · 26/02/2022 18:04

It's an opinion. Not a sodding directive.

JustLyra · 26/02/2022 18:10

[quote OhLordyWhatNow]@JustLyra

There’s no flaw in my argument other than your assumption that my past is the only reason I have my opinion. You’ve assumed I haven’t tried to be objective because if I was I’d have your opinion.

I haven't made any assumptions I've used the information available at the time. If you want to provide more that's fine, if you don't, also fine.

That’s not accepting people having other opinions, it’s the opposite and assuming you’re right and they’re wrong.

Straight back at you. 🙄. My opinion is my opinion, you've done nothing to persuade me otherwise.

You're entitled to your opinion, I'm entitled to mine. I don't feel obliged to change. [/quote]
I’m not trying to change your opinion. I don’t care either way. I’m not the one banging on at someone else repeatedly

Westerman · 26/02/2022 18:13

You've done nothing wrong, OP. Your name change was years ago and you've been with your partner for a relatively short time.

I think your partner is being a bit dramatic. She didn't fall in love with your name. She fell in love with YOU. I hope she realises that quickly.

SpamIAm · 26/02/2022 23:17

Sorry to hear she's still being off with you OP.

If I was in your shoes, I'd probably go for being the one to break the awkwardness with a "I didn't tell you before because I didn't think it was a big deal because XXX, but I can see that it is a big deal to you so I'm sorry that it's upset you" or something in that vein.

Hankunamatata · 26/02/2022 23:24

I think id be really upset to have been together a year and not know this about my partner. It would make me wonder what else they havnt told me or they are hiding

TopCatsTopHat · 27/02/2022 07:30

@Westerman

You've done nothing wrong, OP. Your name change was years ago and you've been with your partner for a relatively short time.

I think your partner is being a bit dramatic. She didn't fall in love with your name. She fell in love with YOU. I hope she realises that quickly.

This sums it up for me. You haven't tried to hide anything and it would be weird if you flagged up a piece of information which to you has been irrelevant for a long time. I can understand her being surprised, but she should listen to you, hear your story and then judge. If your old name was hidden, you were keeping her apart from your real life etc etc but you're not, she can easily verify what your saying with your family if she wants to allay her concerns, so she should reserve judgement and do that if she's suspicious. She shouldn't be punishing you.
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/02/2022 12:02

@HamstersAteMySandwich

Hmm ‘new identity’ is a bit of a stretch if I may say so. Everything’s the same aside from the name on official documents — childhood photos are still here, teen photos are still here etc.

But it doesn’t matter what’s done is done. She’s been giving me the cold treatment today…

Has she been able to explicitly state WHY she is so upset? There have been a lot of suggestions on this thread, as well as lots of people saying they couldn't give 2 fucks about it - but what are your partner's feelings about it?

If she can't explain why she's so upset/annoyed/whatever then maybe you have bigger problems - but I think, if you haven't already done so, you should at least ask her.

Original poster
HamstersAteMySandwich · 27/02/2022 13:28

She’s still giving me the cold shoulder. Thinks that I’ve been hiding things and is being deceptive as ‘lots of people hate their names but don’t do anything as drastic as this’. I’ve apologised but I’m not sure what else I can do.

At the core of it I think we just have a different view on names. For me, it was a 1-day snap decision I made many years ago with the only consequences being me not having a name I hate on my passport/driver’s license and not having to tell people that ‘I’m known by something else’ in new settings e.g. new workplace (especially when your work email is automatically generated with your name), volunteer registration or anywhere else that uses your official name by default.

OP posts:
SpaghettiNotCourgetti · 27/02/2022 13:29

@HamstersAteMySandwich

She’s still giving me the cold shoulder. Thinks that I’ve been hiding things and is being deceptive as ‘lots of people hate their names but don’t do anything as drastic as this’. I’ve apologised but I’m not sure what else I can do.

At the core of it I think we just have a different view on names. For me, it was a 1-day snap decision I made many years ago with the only consequences being me not having a name I hate on my passport/driver’s license and not having to tell people that ‘I’m known by something else’ in new settings e.g. new workplace (especially when your work email is automatically generated with your name), volunteer registration or anywhere else that uses your official name by default.

Why should you have to apologise for something that's none of her business?!
Cocomarine · 27/02/2022 13:35

I’d tell her to piss off. I’d end this.
Absolutely fine for her to take a moment to adjust to the idea. But to be giving you the cold shoulder still today? That way trouble lies. She’s totally unreasonable and quite nasty too. I would listen to someone say they felt a bit odd (for a moment!) not having known you’d changed your name. But shit about you hiding things? No.

OhLordyWhatNow · 27/02/2022 13:39

Op after your latest update I'm with Cocomarine.

LTB

Sulking is a very unattractive quality and a big red flag in my book. It's manipulative and immature. Do you really want to spend time with someone with these traits?

saraclara · 27/02/2022 13:56

I'm sorry, but her reaction to this makes me wonder what would be in my future if I stayed with her. It seems that she has a suspicious nature, and isn't going to trust you. And the silent treatment is something that I would never accept from anyone. I grew up with a mother who did that, and it was very damaging. It would be the end of a relationship for me.

Stravaig · 27/02/2022 14:14

A fourth voice echoing Coco and Lordy and Sara. Her initial reaction was entitled and controlling, and she continues to be unpleasant to you, abusive actually. It doesn't sound healthy for you at all.

MyAnacondaMight · 27/02/2022 14:29

That’s really unpleasant on her part. Sounds like you’re willing to try to understand her perspective and reach a mutual understanding - but you can’t do that with someone who’s response to this sort of thing is to sulk and punish you with silence.

Walkingalot · 27/02/2022 14:33

I've had 6 surname changes - some forms you have to declare all previous names - such fun! I don't automatically tell people this, why would I? I'm known by my latest name - that is who I am and have been for almost 20 yrs.
However, to the suspicious, it might look like I'm dodging something/someone/debt. I'm not but I'm happy to explain to anyone I have a close relationship with if the subject of names came up.

BlondeWidow · 27/02/2022 14:37

I'm more baffled by a man being called Mimi!

Seriously though, you've been together a few more than a year or two, I don't see the big deal. I would be annoyed if it was a long term relationship and I'd never been told.

YABU for making up a last name though. It makes life so much harder for those of us who build family trees! (Joking!)

OhLordyWhatNow · 27/02/2022 14:48

@BlondeWidow

I'm more baffled by a man being called Mimi!

Who said the OP is a man?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/02/2022 14:53

It's hardly drastic to change your name because of bad associations!
I think she's being well OTT now, especially to continue sulking about it after you've apologised.

Are you sure you want to stay with her?

ENoeuf · 27/02/2022 14:57

I dont think my husband knows I changed my maiden name when I was 18. We’ve been married for years. I can’t remember him noticing when we did the paperwork

iRun2eatCake · 27/02/2022 15:01

I really don't see what she's upset about. You changed your name...... so.bloody.what!!

TopCatsTopHat · 27/02/2022 15:45

She's giving you the cold shoulder for a decision you made years before she was on the scene just because she doesn't get this decision that you decided not to tolerate a name you dislike for years while other people just put up with it.
Ffs. She's behaving like a self centred teen who hasn't grown up enough to realise people are not all alike.
I think her behaviour is the red flag not yours!!!

saraclara · 27/02/2022 15:55

I'm more baffled by a man being called Mimi!

@BlondeWidow, just have a little think about it. Or even read OP's posts if your unable to put two and two together.