DP upset about ‘secret’ name change

[HamstersAteMySandwich]

I’ve always disliked my first name as I felt it was too cutesy for me, and have never felt any connection to my last name as I didn’t have the best relationship with my dad. When I was 22, I decided to change my entire name (brand new first/middle name, made my last name-sounding middle name my last name) via deed poll. That was more than 10 years ago.

Today, DP and I were sorting out some documents and we stumbled upon my birth certificate. We talked about it, all was fine.

Just before bed she confessed that she felt like I had hid things from her, especially with my ‘made up’ last name (she had a brief interest in genealogy but back then she was merely doing her own family tree and it was early on in the relationship). It’s never been a secret it’s just something that hasn’t come up since the last time someone called me it was way back when I was in year 8 or so.

Am I in the wrong here? She doesn’t want to talk about this and has gone to bed but now I can’t sleep.

post edited to remove identifying details, as requested by the OP.

it isn't a big deal

Really? You think creating a whole new identity for yourself and never mentioning it isn’t a big deal?

@Adeleskirts

it isn't a big deal

Really? You think creating a whole new identity for yourself and never mentioning it isn’t a big deal?

They are the same person they just have a different label, the label they have chosen. No it really isn't a bit deal.

A lot of you are being very weird and controlling about this. Partner as property, without agency of their own.

I'm off to change my username. Because I feel like it. Because I can.

@Stravaig

A lot of you are being very weird and controlling about this. Partner as property, without agency of their own.

I'm off to change my username. Because I feel like it. Because I can.

Yes. Because that’s remotely the same…

@Adeleskirts

it isn't a big deal

Really? You think creating a whole new identity for yourself and never mentioning it isn’t a big deal?

The OP has the same identity they have always had, they chose a new name when they were 22 because of trauma cause by their father.

The OP hasn't hidden who they are and has been open about their past with the DP.

Are we reading the same post?

@JustLyra

What's different about it?

A name is a label.

People making out here that the issue of a woman changing her name is some kind of huge deal.

Elsewhere, on the 'Mrs Married Name' threads, there's a big song and dance about how women's identities matter not one jot, and that discarding them on the occasion of marriage is no big deal whatsoever. (Notwithstanding these are likely not the same posters, but humour me. It's a long entrenched social assumption).

I'm invested in my name (and I don't have a great relationship with my dad, either) because for better or worse, my history, family and life are bound up with that name. But (important difference) I don't hate mine. If I had, I'd not have thought twice about simply changing it and not assuming I had to wait until marriage to do so.

Kudos, OP, in making a decision that was right for you, despite the fact that society is desperately keen to dictate to women what we should call ourselves. This should not in any way be shocking or puzzling.

Unless your partner thinks you're one of the few serious criminals who've been given an entirely new identity, or are on the run from the law and seeking to cover up your past, her angst over this issue is a mystery to me (especially after only a year). In the former circumstances I can see why she'd be upset. Otherwise, she's making a mountain out of a molehill and is IMO being very unreasonable.

[quote OhLordyWhatNow]@JustLyra

What's different about it?

A name is a label. [/quote]
A random name on a website of strangers is totally different to someone’s actual name and it’s just silly to even pretend they’re remotely the same.

The OP has the same identity they have always had, they chose a new name when they were 22 because of trauma cause by their father.

And if the OP had never discussed their father with their partner then they could say that it never came up.

They have. And omitted a fairly major part of it.

Their partner hasn’t kicked off or ranted or raved. They’re upset that the OP deliberately omitted a big thing.

It’s pretty odd tbh. When discussing my parents and my childhood the decision to change my name is a natural part of it because it’s how you break the link. Leaving that out is the OPs choice. Being upset and curious as to why they did doesn’t make the partner weird or controlling.

@JustLyra

Why do you feel you have the right to judge who can change names/ labels and in what circumstances?

As an aside there have been many children and young people who have changed their names through deed poll to match their mother's name if she has remarried and taken new husbands name.

These are 'made up' with no history either.

Do all these people need to declare this to each and every new partner they may have as an adult too?

You should not have to tell anyone your previous name unless requested on government documents. I've had my name changed twice. Once when my mother married to my Sd last name and I changed it myself in my twenties because I hated him. I barely think about it, it's my legal name and who I am.

@Adeleskirts

it isn't a big deal

Really? You think creating a whole new identity for yourself and never mentioning it isn’t a big deal?

She hasn't created a new identity. She's still the same person with the same history. She's simply changed her name.

A lot of you are being very weird and controlling about this.

Yep. I'd add entitled to that, as well. "I've known you for a year, I should know every single thing about you, and anything you've not told me is a big red flag"
No, you're not entitled to ownership of every detail of a newish partner's history.

Seriously weird to be so concerned that you changed your name. How can that be her business or affect your relationship in any serious way.

[quote OhLordyWhatNow]@JustLyra

Why do you feel you have the right to judge who can change names/ labels and in what circumstances?
[/quote]
Where did I say I had the right to dictate when someone changed their name?

I simply said changing names on an anonymous forum is vastly different to changing name in real life. Because it is.

And that in my opinion, which I have as much right to as you, having been in the same situation as the OP it’s not surprising that her partner is surprised and upset that the OP chose to omit such a large detail when talking about her relationship with her father.

Hmm ‘new identity’ is a bit of a stretch if I may say so. Everything’s the same aside from the name on official documents — childhood photos are still here, teen photos are still here etc.

But it doesn’t matter what’s done is done. She’s been giving me the cold treatment today…

@HamstersAteMySandwich

Hmm ‘new identity’ is a bit of a stretch if I may say so. Everything’s the same aside from the name on official documents — childhood photos are still here, teen photos are still here etc.

But it doesn’t matter what’s done is done. She’s been giving me the cold treatment today…

So, plying devil’s advocate, look at it the other way perhaps.

If it’s so unimportant why did you choose to omit it when you told her the rest of the story?

@JustLyra

someone changes their name:

On an Internet forum = no one else's business

In real life = no one else's business

The OPs partner is displaying some odd controlling behaviour, as are many posters on here.

Why are you projecting your own feelings of it being a big deal onto this? It's really not.

[quote OhLordyWhatNow]@JustLyra

someone changes their name:

On an Internet forum = no one else's business

In real life = no one else's business

The OPs partner is displaying some odd controlling behaviour, as are many posters on here.

Why are you projecting your own feelings of it being a big deal onto this? It's really not. [/quote]
Totally different scenarios and you are frankly being silly to compare the two.

I’m projecting nothing. I’m having an opinion. Something you don’t seem to realise is allowed, even if it differs from yours

@JustLyra

"having been in the same situation as the OP it’s not surprising that her partner is surprised and upset that the OP chose to omit such a large detail when talking about her relationship with her father."

Projection of your feelings around your own situation onto the OP's partner.

Opinions are fine, but don't judge the OP based on your own feelings, try to be objective.

As we now know from the OP's update the partner sounds like a complete drama Queen and seems to want to create an uncomfortable situation where there is really no need.

[quote OhLordyWhatNow]@JustLyra

"having been in the same situation as the OP it’s not surprising that her partner is surprised and upset that the OP chose to omit such a large detail when talking about her relationship with her father."

Projection of your feelings around your own situation onto the OP's partner.

Opinions are fine, but don't judge the OP based on your own feelings, try to be objective.

As we now know from the OP's update the partner sounds like a complete drama Queen and seems to want to create an uncomfortable situation where there is really no need. [/quote]
Just because I disagreed doesn’t mean I didn’t “try to be objective”

Again. People are allowed opinions that differ from yours. You should try accepting that rather than judging them

@JustLyra

I fully accept your right to an opinion. I haven't judged you, I pointed out a flaw in your argument.

Debating is about stating opinions and then debating points within that. This what we do on Mumsnet sometimes it's lighthearted, sometimes more serious.

I don't agree with what you've said and I'm fine with that.

[quote OhLordyWhatNow]@JustLyra

I fully accept your right to an opinion. I haven't judged you, I pointed out a flaw in your argument.

Debating is about stating opinions and then debating points within that. This what we do on Mumsnet sometimes it's lighthearted, sometimes more serious.

I don't agree with what you've said and I'm fine with that. [/quote]
There’s no flaw in my argument other than your assumption that my past is the only reason I have my opinion. You’ve assumed I haven’t tried to be objective because if I was I’d have your opinion.

That’s not accepting people having other opinions, it’s the opposite and assuming you’re right and they’re wrong.

I changed my name at 24. If younhave met me after that you jave no idea. I had my reasons and no one else is entitled to them. I am exactly who I say I am, and I am allowed to keep parts of myself just for me.