Is this what defines a good mother these days?

[coffeelover13]

Just had a chat with my mummy friends and talking about our weekend plans .. I said that myself & DH are going away on a baby free weekend. (Baby is 8 months)

They were all shocked & said in quite a judging tone that they could NEVER do that !! How awful for the baby !! Wtf 😂

She will be left with my parents who absolutely ADORE her and I know she'll be well looked after. She's breastfed but takes a bottle or formula if needed. I don't see the issue here.

These ladies seem to think that they are better mothers as they have never left their babies for more than a couple of hours.

Looking back they were also shocked when the babies were 2 months old that my DH was "allowed " to do bath time. Again wtf ? He's her dad and after a long day away with work he loved doing bath time once home so I could have a cuppa.

Am I a bad mum ? When I'm with my DD I give her all of me. But I think it's just as important to spend some time with just my DH. Surely if we're happy as a couple that's a good thing for our DD
One of those "I never leave my baby " is an Instagram wannabe influencer & posts every 2 mins. So yes she's with her DD but spends 50% of her day on her phone. So how am I worse for going away for 2 nights ?

You're not a bad mum. Neither are they. I wouldn't have wanted to leave my baby at that age. I wouldn't judge anyone who did though!

These ladies seem to think that they are better mothers as they have never left their babies for more than a couple of hours.

Do they really think that though? I wouldn't think me not wanting to leave my baby made me a better mother in any way.

Looking back they were also shocked when the babies were 2 months old that my DH was "allowed " to do bath time. Again it's wtf ?

With you on this. WTF!

Bonkers. I was back at the office by then and giddy with excitement at working away and staying in a hotel with ROOM SERVICE and a mini-bar!

Some mothers seem to make a hobby of competitive martyrdom. I've never been able to work out the appeal, but I let them crack on. And then live my own life in exactly the way that suits me. Comparing your own choices with other people's is an enormous waste of time and energy and rarely ends well.

I hate the competitive martyrdom some parents put on. With you 100% OP

Of course you aren't. Leaving a baby for a weekend at 8 months is totally fine - the baby knows its grandparents. It's a good way to start the healthy process of separation. And it's a good way to keep your marriage healthy which is very good for your kids.

We all have prejudices - I don't think people who don't ever leave their babies are 'bad' parents, but I don't think it's a sensible way to parent. I absolutely believe it takes a village to raise a child.

Agree insta has a lot to answer for.

The bath thing is bonkers!

@TuscanApothecary

I hate the competitive martyrdom some parents put on. With you 100% OP

Totally agree with this.

You are allowed your own interests and life away from your children.

Bizarre. I left both mine with their grandparents aged 7 months for 5 nights abroad with DH which was much needed both times.

Enjoy your weekend away.

@TuscanApothecary

I hate the competitive martyrdom some parents put on. With you 100% OP

Yes I agree with this

See also: “my 3 year old still wakes 8 times in the night so I haven’t slept longer than 2 hours in the last 3 years but I couldn’t never sleep train because it’s cruel”

Dsil was leaving her baby with her inlaws on Friday nights at 2 weeks old.
I wouldn't have done it but she has 2 well adjusted adult girls who are just lovely and it's certainly never been detrimental.

Yeah, some people are martyrs. I totally get and have sympathy for people who don't have money or family for extended childcare and never get out because of that, but I'll admit I rolleyes at people who say things like 'We've been invited to a childfree wedding with the bride paying for luxury accommodation. My parents live round the corner and are very happy to have the kids (6 & 8), but we've never had a single night out since they were born because I feel so baaaaad about leaving them. Should we go?'

Not having any kids-free time when you have options to do so is not actually good parenting.

@coffeelover13

Just had a chat with my mummy friends and talking about our weekend plans .. I said that myself & DH are going away on a baby free weekend. (Baby is 8 months)

They were all shocked & said in quite a judging tone that they could NEVER do that !! How awful for the baby !! Wtf 😂

She will be left with my parents who absolutely ADORE her and I know she'll be well looked after. She's breastfed but takes a bottle or formula if needed. I don't see the issue here.

These ladies seem to think that they are better mothers as they have never left their babies for more than a couple of hours.

Looking back they were also shocked when the babies were 2 months old that my DH was "allowed " to do bath time. Again wtf ? He's her dad and after a long day away with work he loved doing bath time once home so I could have a cuppa.

Am I a bad mum ? When I'm with my DD I give her all of me. But I think it's just as important to spend some time with just my DH. Surely if we're happy as a couple that's a good thing for our DD
One of those "I never leave my baby " is an Instagram wannabe influencer & posts every 2 mins. So yes she's with her DD but spends 50% of her day on her phone. So how am I worse for going away for 2 nights ?

Personally I couldn’t have done that but that doesn’t make you bad because you can. That makes me neurotic to be honest. I’ve never been away from my kids by choice and have only missed a handful of bedtimes for nearly a decade.

I rather like your approach better than mine.

The bath thing is strange. I actually agree that leaving a baby overnight is not a good idea. I think that applies to mothers and fathers.

Thanks all

Started to feel like I'm not that great of a mum for being ok with leaving her for 2 nights with people that love her

Takes very little to be a bad mother, and even less to be a good father!

No you’re definitely not a bad mum, you sound like a terrific mum who has your baby’s interests at heart. I agree time with your dp is important and if you have the opportunity to have a foot loose and fancy free weekend together with your baby well looked after then make the most of it. Enjoy!

@Creeeper yes! I hate that. Either do something about it or stop complaining fgs.

@Blossom64265

The bath thing is strange. I actually agree that leaving a baby overnight is not a good idea. I think that applies to mothers and fathers.

Can I ask why? Why isn't it a good idea?

I think sometimes it is hard to put yourself in other people's shoes. E.g. my DS would not drink from a bottle (tried everything) and his grandparents all live far away, so he didn't really know them at 8 months. It would have been unthinkable to leave him overnight.

That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you doing it though.

@Blossom64265

The bath thing is strange. I actually agree that leaving a baby overnight is not a good idea. I think that applies to mothers and fathers.

Why is it a bad idea to leave a baby with family members overnight?

In MN speak, your friends are batshit.

And very rude to have criticised you.

You know full well you’re not a bad mother. I left DS1 with DH at 12 weeks to go on a bachelorette in Miami for 4 days - cracking time, they had a blast.
It’s not a requirement to “change” just because you’ve had a baby. Those that define themselves as nothing but “mum” are more likely to struggle immensely when those kids fly the nest.
I’m many things - a woman who works full time, has a busy career, a singer/performer, an adventurer.
Of course, many choices that have longer term repercussions on my family (career promotion meaning more travel for example), are considered with my family in mind, but my kids don’t dictate who I am.
Don’t listen to the opinions of those that don’t matter. Do your thing and establish your own expectations around parenting for yourself. It’s incredibly important for your own mental health and the stability if your marriage/partnership!

Oh crikey, not at all. It was around that age DD stayed at Granny’s for one night (we left at about 5pm, were back by 10am the next day). We didn’t really need to be away but she adores granny, knew her well and granny had put her to bed multiple times with us being downstairs so I knew it wouldn’t be an issue.

She’s 18 months now and nursery have said how wonderfully secure she is with us and them, it’s lovely and she has a small group of people who she is very comfortable with.

I don’t think my mum missed more than two bedtimes until I was about 10. She had a very hard time of it when we started to get older and more independent as we were her entire world (no job, didn’t go out in the evenings etc). I love her to bits but I don’t actually think that it’s super healthy to get years down the line without ever having been apart from your kids for more than an hour or two.

I can't be doing with it. I went back to work when my youngest was 3 months old. As long as the little one is cared for and loved, stuff what anyone else thinks.

My DD was more than happy to hand my grandson over from around 6 months onwards. I had him overnight once a week so she could catch up on sleep or have an evening out with her DH or friends ...... and he was a very chilled baby anyway.

It's really nice for your parents to do this, I adore having my grandchildren and it means the world that DD hands them over without second thought. There are no prizes for martyrdom, just self inflicted exhaustion.

I've still never left my 3yo over night, I tend to think that I'm not a good mum because of this, rather than thinking I'm better. Being a mum is hard, I don't think you ever feel you're quite doing it as well as others seem to.