Is this what defines a good mother these days?

[coffeelover13]

Just had a chat with my mummy friends and talking about our weekend plans .. I said that myself & DH are going away on a baby free weekend. (Baby is 8 months)

They were all shocked & said in quite a judging tone that they could NEVER do that !! How awful for the baby !! Wtf 😂

She will be left with my parents who absolutely ADORE her and I know she'll be well looked after. She's breastfed but takes a bottle or formula if needed. I don't see the issue here.

These ladies seem to think that they are better mothers as they have never left their babies for more than a couple of hours.

Looking back they were also shocked when the babies were 2 months old that my DH was "allowed " to do bath time. Again wtf ? He's her dad and after a long day away with work he loved doing bath time once home so I could have a cuppa.

Am I a bad mum ? When I'm with my DD I give her all of me. But I think it's just as important to spend some time with just my DH. Surely if we're happy as a couple that's a good thing for our DD
One of those "I never leave my baby " is an Instagram wannabe influencer & posts every 2 mins. So yes she's with her DD but spends 50% of her day on her phone. So how am I worse for going away for 2 nights ?

How can people not be DYING for a break after 8 months of baby drudge?!

Well, for the first 3 of those she was in hospital and I was forced to be away from her every day, so I wasn’t in any hurry to have her somewhere else after that, plus she was still BFing up to 17 months so there’s that. Then, it became clear she had cerebral palsy so there wasn’t really anyone we could leave her with until we were comfortable people could meet her needs. We first left her overnight with my sister at about 3 years old.

There were also 2 of us so it was perfectly possible to have a break from “drudgery” as you call it, without relying on others.

Nobody ever mentioned alone. We were talking with someone else like grandparents
Make your mind up. You were castigating me for looking after offspring that you consider too old a few minutes ago, but now it's only "fucking nuts" to take care of your own children but ok to get someone else to do the job? Why? If an adult needs to be with them, what is so odd about it being the actual parent/s if that's what they want?
And believe it or not, we don't all have a ready supply of people who are willing and capable of taking responsibility for our children even if we wanted them to. Our extended families are all dead/demented/disabled/hundreds of miles away, none of which make them great babysitter material. It has always been far more effort for us to find someone else to look after our children than to do it ourselves and I don't believe in making life any harder than it has to be.

Matters not that the grandparents love her, they're not their primary caregiver. She will feel abandoned.

😂😂😂

Don't take any notice of them op, you are not a bad mother. She will be just fine with your parents and they'll love having her as much as you'll enjoy your break. Ask yourself if these friends are really friends if they make you feel judged. True friends don't judge.

Everyone has their own preferences to what they'd do which is totally fair enough, but those saying 'I wouldn't do it myself' commenters on this thread need to have a word with themselves as comes across quite judgey.

I didn't have people I could leave my children with. But I'm sure I wouldn't have wanted to leave them. But I can't fathom getting into a situation whereby your mum is more reliable carer than your child's father, when you are married and living together. That's why it felt like drudgery to you. Not everybody has the same experience.

I hired my mum to come and look after my DC part time, which involved staying over in my house a couple of days per week, while I studied for my masters/then PhD. My husband was working away for 10 days at a time at that stage. That's why she was more familiar with their day to day routines than he was. She was essentially the second parent. So as I said, leaving them with her was in essence the same as leaving them with their father so it wasn't like "leaving them" at all. Which is why it wasn't difficult to do. If your DC haven't experienced this type of relationship with a family member then as I said, I can see why you wouldn't want to leave them, I wouldn't have left them with anyone but her either. Still haven't left them with anyone else infact six years on.

I found it drudge because IMO that's what babies are! I see my friends/siblings with small babies now and my thoughts on that haven't changed. But as you say not everyone has the same experience (although I've yet to meet anyone IRL who hasn't found the baby stage a bit of a drag!) It's a personality thing too I guess. I value alone time, peace and quiet. I never realised just how much I'd struggle without that until it was too late 😅 plus if you noticed the ages of my DC I had them 14 months apart so that didn't help in the peace and quiet stakes! Luckily I'm out of that stage now and life is pretty sweet with school age DC.

But I can't fathom getting into a situation whereby your mum is more reliable carer than your child's father, when you are married and living together

My mum definitely was. She’d raised two children. My ex had never even held a baby until he had one.

@Cocycola

Don't take any notice of them op, you are not a bad mother. She will be just fine with your parents and they'll love having her as much as you'll enjoy your break. Ask yourself if these friends are really friends if they make you feel judged. True friends don't judge.

Everyone has their own preferences to what they'd do which is totally fair enough, but those saying 'I wouldn't do it myself' commenters on this thread need to have a word with themselves as comes across quite judgey.

OP is asking for opinion.Anything but agreement would surely come across judgy? People are allowed to disagree or even if they agree say that isn't their preference or something they would do. Are only the ones agreeing meant to to comment? Judging unless detrimental to babies health is not ok,but people have different opinions and are allowed express them

My ex had never even held a baby until he had one.

This is also true for a whole load of women.

[quote coffeelover13]@ChoiceMummy

I don't remember feeling abandoned when I was a few months old and my own parents left me with my grandparents for a few nights 😃[/quote]
At 8 months old, your baby, today will feel abandoned and not understand that you'll be back after you've had 3 days away.

It's not about what you remember then. It's about emotional wellbeing and development.

@Cocycola

Don't take any notice of them op, you are not a bad mother. She will be just fine with your parents and they'll love having her as much as you'll enjoy your break. Ask yourself if these friends are really friends if they make you feel judged. True friends don't judge.

Everyone has their own preferences to what they'd do which is totally fair enough, but those saying 'I wouldn't do it myself' commenters on this thread need to have a word with themselves as comes across quite judgey.

Plenty of people judging those that don’t / can’t leave their children either. This thread has plenty of people judging on both sides. It’s depressing.

OP Are you sure you know for definite these women don’t have options overnight? On the surface it probably looks like I have the option as my parents do look after DS during the day sometimes. But not many people know my mother is an alcoholic and can be quite controlling. They are very reluctant to have DS overnight (only briefly discussed once when it was thought I may need an overnight stay for medical reasons) but there’s no way I would feel comfortable with leaving him overnight anyway when my mum drinks so much in the evenings. DS can wake in the night sometimes so it’s just not a situation I’m comfortable with at all. You might think you know the situation for these women but you might not have the full story. Someone saying ‘oh I couldn’t do it’ is just literally saying it as it is, they couldn’t do it!

Just thank your lucky stars you are in a very fortunate situation to have a loving grandparent you feel secure leaving your child with. Many people don’t have that choice.

You sound like a great Mother to me. You are caring for yourself, your DH and your marriage.

Having happy committed parents is the best thing a child can have.

Grandparents are often great at having the children for periods of time. We had our grandchildren overnight very early on, and also for entire days. We also had then for a week when the youngest was about 4. Great fun.

They are mostly grown now, but still have a closeness with us.

It sounds like nothing, but I fondly remember grandson sitting in his high chair at the dinner table saying, "Grandma and Grandpa talking to me!" He was quite happy to be part of the conversation.

@Blossom64265

The bath thing is strange. I actually agree that leaving a baby overnight is not a good idea. I think that applies to mothers and fathers.

Why not?

@Blossom64265

A baby isn’t old enough to have a conversation explaining what is happening and when you will return. They can’t verbalize real questions or tell you about their experience when you get back. Yes, you know your child will be loved and cared for, but the child’s perspective and reflection on the experience matters too.

Ah sorry. Didn't see this. This is crazy talk

Of course this isn't what makes a good mum. I can say from experience, if you make your life about your child, your child, your child, its unhealthy for both you and them.
Life becomes a bit of a drudge and you can get swallowed up by motherhood and your child can end up feeling quite strangulated by being the main focus.

Enjoy life for you as well as your child. Enjoy the odd evening out without them, they're safe and with people who love them. It's perfectly fine

@Blossom64265

A baby isn’t old enough to have a conversation explaining what is happening and when you will return. They can’t verbalize real questions or tell you about their experience when you get back. Yes, you know your child will be loved and cared for, but the child’s perspective and reflection on the experience matters too.

And the bath thing, why is it strange?

Op thank god your friends aren't mine! Within my friend group we have all continued having a social life post baby (obvs slightly adjusted). We are lucky we have grandparents/ aunts who were happy to have baby overnight. Dc are now 7,8,10, and guess what, they haven't been traumatised and are all well adjusted happy kids, who still love having sleepovers at granny's!

Weird judgy mummy friends me thinks

Omg if the father can't bath the baby as it makes you a bad mum, then I must be a terrible mum. I gave perhaps bathed my 22 month old 10 times and have literally never bathed my 4 month old. My Oh always does it and puts my older girl to bed. It's his time with her otherwise he wouldn't get to see her in the week.

@BoredZelda

My ex had never even held a baby until he had one.

This is also true for a whole load of women.

And?

@thanktor

Can you imagine have *@ChoiceMummy* as a mother? Her children will keep so much from her, for fear of the cats bum mouth and nasty judgement. And as for asking *@choicemummy* to look after your child whilst you go away for a couple of nights? Never. Going. To. Happen.

Ultimately mothers like this lose out

Loooool listen to it 😂

@thanktor

Can you imagine have *@ChoiceMummy* as a mother? Her children will keep so much from her, for fear of the cats bum mouth and nasty judgement. And as for asking *@choicemummy* to look after your child whilst you go away for a couple of nights? Never. Going. To. Happen.

Ultimately mothers like this lose out

Posted to early!!

Totally agree with you!

That 'listen to it' was at @ChoiceMummy

Of course you aren't a bad mum.
In my circle it's perfectly normal to have grandparents look after children overnight and fit a few days at a time and this starts quite young. And do you know what? The children are absolutely fine!!
Adult time is important! Have fun!

I expect your ‘friends’ are trying to make themselves feel better about the lack of help with bath times, and not having anyone available to provide a weekend of childcare to an 8 month old. Maybe they are trying to convince themselves they have chosen this situation. Still not kind of them. Your criticism of mums who won’t or can’t leave their small babies is also quite unpleasant though. You clearly don’t appreciate being judged so don’t do it back. If you are confident in your parenting decisions, and it really does sound like you are, just be bloody grateful for the break.

My mum used to judge mummies who left their babies with the GPs - never seen such a quick turn around when she got her own grandchildren and wanted free rein!! You are not a bad mum, and neither are they, although being judgy towards you is straying into bad behaviour..

Your friends are nuts