Is this what defines a good mother these days?

[coffeelover13]

Just had a chat with my mummy friends and talking about our weekend plans .. I said that myself & DH are going away on a baby free weekend. (Baby is 8 months)

They were all shocked & said in quite a judging tone that they could NEVER do that !! How awful for the baby !! Wtf 😂

She will be left with my parents who absolutely ADORE her and I know she'll be well looked after. She's breastfed but takes a bottle or formula if needed. I don't see the issue here.

These ladies seem to think that they are better mothers as they have never left their babies for more than a couple of hours.

Looking back they were also shocked when the babies were 2 months old that my DH was "allowed " to do bath time. Again wtf ? He's her dad and after a long day away with work he loved doing bath time once home so I could have a cuppa.

Am I a bad mum ? When I'm with my DD I give her all of me. But I think it's just as important to spend some time with just my DH. Surely if we're happy as a couple that's a good thing for our DD
One of those "I never leave my baby " is an Instagram wannabe influencer & posts every 2 mins. So yes she's with her DD but spends 50% of her day on her phone. So how am I worse for going away for 2 nights ?

I was in an NCT group. I was back to full time work when my eldest was 5 months old and had to go a week long trip to Italy in the first month back. It was awful having to tip expressed breast milk down the sink as I had no way of freezing it and getting it home but my son was absolutely fine being looked after by his dad.

A few years later I had a colleague who used to remark loudly that she could never go on work trips because she could never leave her children.

No, of course you're not a bad mum.

I think it's very important for couples to still go out just the two of them when they have a child. Your relationship with your DH needs to be healthy and thriving for you to be good parents to your DC.

You are doing just fine OP. Ignore them and leave them to do what they want but carry on knowing you are doing nothing wrong.

Their bath comment was odd. My Dh bathed DC as much as I did. But you're being very judgy of them. And if you think you're not, just reread the part of your post about the 'insta' mum and your use of caps and exclamation marks throughout.

There is no one definition of what a "good mum" is.

What works for some doesn't work for others. I couldn't have left either DS at that age because I breastfed them both for longer than that, and I was a very bad expresser. But other people could do it, and that's up to them - I didn't judge!

It's much easier to pick out what constitutes bad behaviour from a mum in terms of baby welfare - not getting in anyone to look after/feed/change them, for example.

Stop worrying about what the other women do. So long as your baby is fed and looked after appropriately, then you're fine!

@LuckySantangelo35, for me it was because I didn't want to leave my first. I never felt like I needed a break. My DH worked away from home, so when off work, he didn't want to be away overnight from her. I felt the same about my second. My last baby was getting minded overnight from 18 months, my middle was then nearly 4. I did need the break. I've babysat my first GC from six weeks, overnights included. My DD was better for it. She didn't leave her second baby though. I didn't have her until she was two. I think that it should be left up to the mother, neither choice is wrong.

Depends on the baby and on the mother. If I'd gone away for the weekend when DD was 8 months, nobody would have had a good time! But my friend did it, and both she and her son were fine. No judgment either way.

Sound jealous bet they dont even ask how your weekend was . As a mum its important to keep your mental health and energy levels up a break is a good thing . I was lucky i got to have a holiday with my partner my mum had the kids no problem but i did feel the resentment from some mums . Hope you have a lovely break being a mum is the most demanding job ive had .

@Ponoka7 completely agree no choice is wrong. I just found parenting a baby to be such a hard, relentless task I just can’t imagine not needing a break from it on a fairly regular basis

It doesn't matter what you do, your kids will still wish you'd done something different.

I've come across properly appalling parents over the years. Their kids still love them though.

They are not real friends. Try and develop friends ships with more rounded types.
We never left our babies when they were under two because we are both not native to England and had no family around.
But they're all grown up now and we have plenty of freedom.
It will all work out.
Judgemental people are the pits!

@Dumbledoressister

Just because my parents and my parents in law have made it clear they wouldn't. They love them and they help in the day but unless it's an emergency, have said they wont help in the night.

Also - what's with your aggressive tone? Nothing I said was inflammatory.

It wasn’t an aggressive tone. It was a question. 🤷‍♀️

My 11 month old goes to my ILs one night a month so me and her dad can have date night. I work from home but each month I leave her with her dad so I can go down to our head office for 3-4 days. Those nights laying in a hotel reading in peace and sleeping all night are bliss.
Once I go back to work properly I will leave her with her dad for 6 weeks at a time, that's going to be tough admittedly. Your friends would hate me.

I'd have loved a night away! (Though I wouldn't enjoy 2 nights.) The reason I've never done it is because my ds would have separation anxiety. It depends on the child you get.

Then there's childcare, sleeping arrangements, feeding etc.

Practicalities aside, these mothers probably thought of their babies upset and missing them and were horrified by that idea.

I've always felt very fortunate. My PILs stayed at our house when my twins were about 5 months old so DH and I could go away for our anniversary. They had seen DC multiple times up to then and DC were no longer breastfed due to me having an allergic reaction when they were a few weeks and needing antihistamines. We only went a short distance - just in case - but DC were fine.
PILs regularly had the children for a week at a time in school holidays (lived about 3 hours drive away on a good run) and they were thoroughly spoilt. Unfortunately FIL has sadly died but now adult DC have a fantastic relationship with MIL and will visit when they can, even though one has moved even further away.
I was very happy to encourage a good relationship, knowing that if we ever needed, as opposed to wanted, the PILs to have the children all would be happy. I don't think it's good for young children never to have been left with anyone else. They are much more likely to be upset if this were to be necessary in an emergency!

People will always find something if they can. I was told my daughter was too young to go to nursery at 5.5 months old. Now, shes 1 and has zero issues with separation.

I would have been jealous tbh. Breastfed both my babies until they were toddlers. They were both hard work and poor sleepers.

DH lacking confidence and got very stressed with crying being unable to soothe them.

No family willing or able to take them. You start to feel only you can look after them and the thought of leaving them becomes very ailen. It's no wonder people struggle, the village just isn't there for some. It is now they are older ( parents of their friends) and it's amazing to be able to ask people for help.

I'm not sure what I would have done differently - ensured I had a robust DH and set of grandparents who were willing to help.

Enjoy your time away.

I would have felt so much better supported had I have able to go away and leave them with someone I trusted.

@TrufflesAndToast

Also having just read your reason for not wanting to leave your baby. That is totally understandable. You have a certain anxiety around it and even though you know those things most probably will not happen, you also know you could not relax or enjoy yourself if you were out. That is perfectly normal. My issue is with those who try and make others feel like a shit mother if they DO decide to go out and waffle on and on about how they could NEVER do it under any circumstance etc purely to bring the other Mum down.

I have huge anxiety around my teenagers going out at night, I imagine all sorts, the MAJORITY of it unfounded but I still do it every week and can't sleep until they are in so I get where you are coming from.

They are jealous.

Either option is fine. Some people just have no desire to leave the kids with grandma for a long weekend. I work full time and my kids sleep well, so I get every evening alone time with DH and we can very easily get out to dinner or cinema etc while asleep, so to me I dont have that need to leave the kids to just get a bit of time with DH.

Its horses for courses. There's no one good way to be a mum. You don't need to justify your choices to them, but it's also fine for them to not feel any particular desire to leave their own kids.

I struggle with this a bit sometimes.

Me and DH have gone away many times without the kids (usually just a hotel for a night on our anniversary.

We did once go on a 10 day holiday to another continent though (for a milestone birthday) and it wouldn't really have been suitable for small kids (we would need to transport a tonne of stuff + I doubt they would enjoy all the vaccinations, long travel hours and non-fun activities) but I felt guilty even though everyone supported it and said it was great.

I feel bad because our parents never went away without us BUT at the same time, I'm a SAHM so it's not like my kids only see me on holidays and we do go on family holidays too where they are all aimed at the kids enjoyment (child museums, soft plays, kids shows etc...).

I don't think its healthy to never have time away, even on 'date nights' (pretty rare lol) kids stay with grandparents overnight because by the time we have had a meal and been to the cinema/show its past their bedtime so would be cruel to drag them up and home just so we could pretend we're better for having them sleep in our house.

They are with beloved grandparents not left alone in the garden to fend of Jackyls in the fridged weather hardly cruel.

They sound ridiculous, I think you know it too but you’re trying to make yourself feel better by inviting digs against women who do it differently to you rather women who are judgemental of others.

The problem is them being judgemental, not how willing or unwilling any of you are to leave the baby for a weekend. They shouldn’t have made you feel bad.

@LuckySantangelo35

For those that wouldn’t leave your baby overnight or for a weekend with loving and capable grandparents-can I ask why? No judgement from me just genuinely curious. Is it that you think they won’t be cared for as well? Is it because you will miss them and would just prefer to be with them rather than anything else? Is it because you worry it would have some adverse impact on baby? Is it because social conditioning means you would feel Guilty of you did? As I say just genuinely curious

For me personally this is the explanation (I don't judge anyone who does this ). My Dd knows when I am away even when talking about my partner .She is breastfed and since birth sort of my mini me.She isn't old enough to understand where I went or care too much about outings or stuff my parents can give her (I'm sure she will love it later on ).At that age majority just want to have their primary care taker near them.My daughter calms down when my shirt is put in her cot not even talking about me actually being next to her.I just know that when I'm away I might be having a blast but she might not be .When she is older and can understand and appreciate the special relationships with others etc then I'm gone .My partner and I are still to take our honeymoon so will definitely utilise grandparents as childcare

No family willing or able to take them. You start to feel only you can look after them and the thought of leaving them becomes very ailen.

This is really true too. When you don't have family nearby often there isnt anyone who really knows your children well at all whom you could actually leave them with. Then the longer time passes and you haven't done it, that issue gets compounded as your children aren't used to it and find it very unpleasant.