Is this what defines a good mother these days?

[coffeelover13]

Just had a chat with my mummy friends and talking about our weekend plans .. I said that myself & DH are going away on a baby free weekend. (Baby is 8 months)

They were all shocked & said in quite a judging tone that they could NEVER do that !! How awful for the baby !! Wtf 😂

She will be left with my parents who absolutely ADORE her and I know she'll be well looked after. She's breastfed but takes a bottle or formula if needed. I don't see the issue here.

These ladies seem to think that they are better mothers as they have never left their babies for more than a couple of hours.

Looking back they were also shocked when the babies were 2 months old that my DH was "allowed " to do bath time. Again wtf ? He's her dad and after a long day away with work he loved doing bath time once home so I could have a cuppa.

Am I a bad mum ? When I'm with my DD I give her all of me. But I think it's just as important to spend some time with just my DH. Surely if we're happy as a couple that's a good thing for our DD
One of those "I never leave my baby " is an Instagram wannabe influencer & posts every 2 mins. So yes she's with her DD but spends 50% of her day on her phone. So how am I worse for going away for 2 nights ?

Mainly I just can't believe how many grandparents are prepared to look after babies overnight.

I wouldn't have done it but primarily because it's never ever been an option.

You need new friends

They should count themselves lucky they have the choice - I had to go into work when DD2 was days old - the self employed don't get maternity leave.

Yeah you are doing the right thing, ignore the moaners and remember if their DCs turn out to be snowflakes.
Ours spent time with both GPs often separately which was an extra bonus because they were close in age and lived in each others pockets (because they were good friends).
Wonderful relationships developed over the years.

It's been a long time since I heard "it takes a village".

@Dumbledoressister

Mainly I just can't believe how many grandparents are prepared to look after babies overnight.

I wouldn't have done it but primarily because it's never ever been an option.

Why wouldn’t grandparents be prepared to look after a baby overnight? I can’t believe you think it’s unbelievable.

That doesn't make you a bad mum at all. They're wrong, enjoy your weekend!

@SoftSheen

You're not a bad mother, of course.

But it isn't surprising that many mothers wouldn't leave their 8 month old for a weekend (I wouldn't have done). If the baby is breast fed, then a 48 hour absence is quite difficult for both mother and baby.

And not leaving a baby overnight until they are a year or two old doesn't necessarily mean their parents can't be 'happy as a couple'.

100% agree with this.

"mummy friends" ?

Just because my parents and my parents in law have made it clear they wouldn't. They love them and they help in the day but unless it's an emergency, have said they wont help in the night.

Also - what's with your aggressive tone? Nothing I said was inflammatory.

@roarfeckingroarr

YABU to criticise them, as much as they are for criticising you. We all parent differently. Having said that, I couldn't imagine finding it blissful to be away from my baby at 8 months. I'm having my first night away (for work) next Thursday and he's 16 months. I will definitely miss him. That doesn't make me a better parent, it makes me a different one.

I'm not criticising them at all. All I asked was if they were better mums? Because they seemed to think so. What I got was " omg I could never do that ... I love her too much to leave her .. your poor baby.. being left " etc

Christ, what do they think people do whose babies are in ICU?

I know that’s a necessity and not a want, but “I can’t do that” is very blinkered and lacking in awareness

I couldn't have left DS, not for any of the reasons listed above, but because DS was such a terrible sleeper and I didn't want to subject relatives to being up for 30 minutes every 2 hours. I'm away for 3 days in April and feel a bit bad because DS still sometimes wakes up at 4am-6am for no reason. We split sorting him out at the moment but DH is going to have 3 days of work on shit sleep!

@Satingreenshutters

GO!! Your child will be cared for, loved and nurtured while you are away. 8 months is not a newborn and she will be absolutely fine. Good on you for giving yourself some self care and rejuvenation so you can go home feeling replenished and refreshed.

Mommy martyrdom serves no purpose except to put other parents down who choose to look after their own mental health so they can better look after their children.

Ohhhh I could NEVER leave my bubba, I actually got her surgically stitched to my tit so I can can be with her 24/7 and she always listen to Mumma's heartbeat.

FUCK OOOOOOFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF.

The irony is you probably think you’re the non-judgemental one

Leaving an 8 month old with family members for a couple of nights is fine, healthy, and would be totally unremarkable for 99.999999% of human history.

Personally I wouldn't have left ds for so long/overnight so young if it could be avoided, but I did send ds to nursery as it was unavoidable.

If you know your ds is just as happy with your parents as he is with you and not likely to get upset mum/dad has disappeared from their lives (as they don't know any better) you are fortunate. Many babies don't settle that well with others, even when they are people who absolutely adore them.

You need new friends and to learn to say and believe "what works for us is.....", or "I'm glad you've found what works for you".

It's just different parenting I think, rather than one being better than another.

My 3 year old's had one night away from us in his lifetime, and it was within the last 6m. I wouldn't have left him overnight sooner.

That's not me saying I'm a better mother for it, my choices are just different.

We follow attachment methods where we can and I simply prefer the idea that he knows that at nighttime mummy and daddy are always there. DH sometimes works away but I'm the constant in it. He spends time with grandparents occasionally during the day, but always comes home for bedtime. It's right for us, but I appreciate isn't going to be for everyone.

They are completely wrong to judge you - each to their own when it comes to babies and whether you go down the babysitter route or not.

I remember I was at a dinner once and an acquaintance friend told me that I was 'brave' to let my partner take paternity leave and look after our small baby . She has a child now and her husband is beyond useless.

@LuckySantangelo35

For those that wouldn’t leave your baby overnight or for a weekend with loving and capable grandparents-can I ask why? No judgement from me just genuinely curious. Is it that you think they won’t be cared for as well? Is it because you will miss them and would just prefer to be with them rather than anything else? Is it because you worry it would have some adverse impact on baby? Is it because social conditioning means you would feel Guilty of you did? As I say just genuinely curious

For me personally I worry a lot and would spend the whole night thinking what if there’s a fire at their house, what if they choke etc etc and I just wouldn’t enjoy it. I know it’s not particularly healthy but I just don’t feel totally relaxed unless my children are in my care and so I wouldn’t enjoy the time apart or see it as a break. Also I work four days a week so my weekends are family time and if I spent a whole weekend away from my kids I would miss them so much. Also, it’s hard for me to imagine fully trusting a grandparent with them as we just don’t have those kind of parents who could take a baby overnight (disabilities, age etc)

At 8 months I know the baby would have been looking for me and I couldn’t have enjoyed myself knowing my baby was somewhere else wanting me.

I’m not saying any of that to be mushy or critical it’s just my honest answer to your question. I wish I could me more relaxed and rational when it comes to measuring risk but when it comes to my kids that’s something I struggle with hugely.

You're not a bad mum at all and given the sarcasm in your OP it seems you know this and are actually judging mums who don't want to leave their babies....I had no desire to leave my baby with her grandparents at the same age. We're all different that's all.

I'd probably find some less twatty "friends".

They are most definitely jealous.

I think the goal is to-
be a martyr but keep up on your self care,
be a working mother and a stay at home mum,
be patient and never shout but always punish and don't let anything go
feed the children home cooked meals made from scratch from veg grown in the garden but make sure you don't spend any minute away from your child as 'chores can wait'
Have an imacculate home that also must be lived in and don't spend time cleaning is as, same as above, chores cam wait
You must home school and send them to school and be involved in the school whilst simultaneously questioning the school

Same as always

@WTF475878237NC

You're not a bad mum at all and given the sarcasm in your OP it seems you know this and are actually judging mums who don't want to leave their babies....I had no desire to leave my baby with her grandparents at the same age. We're all different that's all.

That's not it. Everyone should do what they are comfortable with. You are missing the point. My point was that most of the mums I come across who "could never do that" seem to be judging and think they are better because they never leave their DC. Again MOST not ALL.

I have my DGD every one weekend for one night so her parents can have time to themselves, every parent needs a bit of me/us time so don't feel bad for taking this time away with DH.

Enjoy your break

Go and enjoy yourself! It’s good for the baby/ grandparent relationship. I personally feel that it’s important to nurture your marriage, which in turn strengthens the family as a unit long term.