Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this what defines a good mother these days?

237 replies

coffeelover13 · 25/02/2022 12:54

Just had a chat with my mummy friends and talking about our weekend plans .. I said that myself & DH are going away on a baby free weekend. (Baby is 8 months)

They were all shocked & said in quite a judging tone that they could NEVER do that !! How awful for the baby !! Wtf 😂

She will be left with my parents who absolutely ADORE her and I know she'll be well looked after. She's breastfed but takes a bottle or formula if needed. I don't see the issue here.

These ladies seem to think that they are better mothers as they have never left their babies for more than a couple of hours.

Looking back they were also shocked when the babies were 2 months old that my DH was "allowed " to do bath time. Again wtf ? He's her dad and after a long day away with work he loved doing bath time once home so I could have a cuppa.

Am I a bad mum ? When I'm with my DD I give her all of me. But I think it's just as important to spend some time with just my DH. Surely if we're happy as a couple that's a good thing for our DD
One of those "I never leave my baby " is an Instagram wannabe influencer & posts every 2 mins. So yes she's with her DD but spends 50% of her day on her phone. So how am I worse for going away for 2 nights ?

OP posts:
aloe987 · 25/02/2022 13:21

We left our 2 year old with my parents for a week away in Jamaica. My mum friends reacted with horror that I'd done this and were very vocal about it. I was a better parent for having had a child free week so ignore them and carry on.

Strokethefurrywall · 25/02/2022 13:21

Apologies, my post read quite abruptly and that wasn’t the intention.
What I meant was, trust yourself that only you and your husband can make decisions on how you raise your baby.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with leaving them with adoring caregivers for a few days.
As for the bath thing, those women are stone cold batshit.

NotNowBoris · 25/02/2022 13:22

I can understand their reluctance to leave a baby and go away for the weekend, but they were rude to say anything about it to you. We all have to make our own parenting choices and the baby will not be neglected whilst you are away.

The thing about your husband and the bath is really fucking weird. It's perfectly normal for a dad to care for a baby, I'm shocked that anyone would disagree in this day and age.

Mrsbmama · 25/02/2022 13:23

@coffeelover13

Just had a chat with my mummy friends and talking about our weekend plans .. I said that myself & DH are going away on a baby free weekend. (Baby is 8 months)

They were all shocked & said in quite a judging tone that they could NEVER do that !! How awful for the baby !! Wtf 😂

She will be left with my parents who absolutely ADORE her and I know she'll be well looked after. She's breastfed but takes a bottle or formula if needed. I don't see the issue here.

These ladies seem to think that they are better mothers as they have never left their babies for more than a couple of hours.

Looking back they were also shocked when the babies were 2 months old that my DH was "allowed " to do bath time. Again wtf ? He's her dad and after a long day away with work he loved doing bath time once home so I could have a cuppa.

Am I a bad mum ? When I'm with my DD I give her all of me. But I think it's just as important to spend some time with just my DH. Surely if we're happy as a couple that's a good thing for our DD
One of those "I never leave my baby " is an Instagram wannabe influencer & posts every 2 mins. So yes she's with her DD but spends 50% of her day on her phone. So how am I worse for going away for 2 nights ?

You are definitely not a bad mother, I hope you and your DH enjoy your weekend away 🙌 by the sounds of it she will be very well looked after so I don't see the issue at all. Use know best as her parents if she will be happy enough away from you right now, ignore their comments 100%.

I also agree that being glued to your phone all day long being an 'influencer' is worse!!! 🤣

I have been away from my child/ren twice (first time was to have my second, and the second time was to go for surgery) and I'd give anything to have some us time away from the kiddies even for a day - but this isn't out of choice. How dare they leave their child for a few hours 🤣🤣🤣just kidding. Again enjoy your weekend!

aloe987 · 25/02/2022 13:23

better parent to my child i mean. I needed that week to regain some sanity and would do it again in a heartbeat.

Mylittlepixie · 25/02/2022 13:23

@BoodleBug51

My DD was more than happy to hand my grandson over from around 6 months onwards. I had him overnight once a week so she could catch up on sleep or have an evening out with her DH or friends ...... and he was a very chilled baby anyway.

It's really nice for your parents to do this, I adore having my grandchildren and it means the world that DD hands them over without second thought. There are no prizes for martyrdom, just self inflicted exhaustion.

My parents do the same with my kids and my grandma used to do it for her. I have the most special bond with my grandma now and im so glad to be so close with her. I hope my children have that with my mum later when they are older.
AliceAbsolum · 25/02/2022 13:24

Totally bizarre. You have healthy boundaries! Ignore them

DropYourSword · 25/02/2022 13:24

@coffeelover13

Thanks all

Started to feel like I'm not that great of a mum for being ok with leaving her for 2 nights with people that love her

Why?

The vast majority in this thread have said they've done the same or for longer.

Literally one person has judged you for doing it.

A couple have said they personally wouldn't.

I think this makes you sound a little dramatic!

Danikm151 · 25/02/2022 13:25

i'm counting down the days to my next toddler free night and lie in!

grapewine · 25/02/2022 13:25

@TuscanApothecary

I hate the competitive martyrdom some parents put on. With you 100% OP
Completely. Go have fun, OP.
SNUG2022 · 25/02/2022 13:26

I think that not everyone has somebody who they trust their baby with 100%. We are very lucky that we do, I suppose. Could not be arsed with people making judgy comments. We know parents of a 10 year old who have never had a night away from her. They have no family.

Abouttimemum · 25/02/2022 13:29

I don’t like leaving DS (almost 3) without me or DH but I do because I feel like I should plus it is lovely to have time with Dh alone of course. But I get the opposite from my friends who think I’m batshit for not wanting time away from him. Each to their own I say and I wouldn’t criticise.

The bath thing is nuts. DH and I have always alternated our nights on bath/bedtime. No doubt they’ll be the same women who moan that their partner’s don’t do anything.

ThackeryBinks · 25/02/2022 13:29

I first left my baby at 8 months. It was hugely traumatic. Left once more for an operation. Absolutely inseparable from each other. My DD hated school the separation from me being part of it. We are just getting the hang of it now. DD is 19! Does this make a good mother? Not so much! I would do it very differently with hind sight. One of the best things you can do is show your kids a healthy loving relationship. Enjoy your weekend lovely!

Blossom64265 · 25/02/2022 13:30

A baby isn’t old enough to have a conversation explaining what is happening and when you will return. They can’t verbalize real questions or tell you about their experience when you get back. Yes, you know your child will be loved and cared for, but the child’s perspective and reflection on the experience matters too.

Somethingsnappy · 25/02/2022 13:31

I didn't ever leave mine at that age for practical reasons (BF), but to be honest whether I could have left them on an emotional level or not would have depended on the child. I have 4. My first was very independent and sociable. I think I'd have felt reasonably OK for a night away from her. The others would have struggled more with it and consequently, so would I. My current baby would be very unhappy without me, and so I couldn't bear to leave him as I'd be worrying constantly. For me, it's definitely related to how the babies would have managed.

Kylereese · 25/02/2022 13:33

Lol. They’d hate me then. My pfb went to grandmas on her 14th night so I could have a full nights sleep

RandomQuest · 25/02/2022 13:35

Get some new friends and ditch the pathetic mummy martyrs. They’re not your people.

Original poster
coffeelover13 · 25/02/2022 13:36

@DropYourSword

Sorry I meant before this thread. 😊
Feeing a lot better after hearing people's opinions and that I'm not the only one

OP posts:
DropYourSword · 25/02/2022 13:38

[quote coffeelover13]@DropYourSword

Sorry I meant before this thread. 😊
Feeing a lot better after hearing people's opinions and that I'm not the only one [/quote]
I totally misinterpreted your post Blush

I thought the "thanks all" was a snarky "thanks for making me feel shit" and now I see it was literally meant completely genuinely! Apologies

sweeneytoddsrazor · 25/02/2022 13:42

My parents had all my children and my sisters children for overnight stays from a very young age. They also took them away for up to a week at a time. It gave all the parents time to themselves to catch up on sleep or just enjoy some time with partners. All of them have an incredibly close bond still and all of them choose to visit GPS either for family occasions or on their own for a cuppa and a catch up.

thanktor · 25/02/2022 13:42

Me - when I’m on form
Not me - when I’m rushing and harassed

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 25/02/2022 13:44

When Will Storr was interviewed about the most recent book—The Status Game: On Social Position and How We Use It—he specifically mentioned status jostling as a good or bad parent on MN.

It looks like it's all about choices and behaviour but it's about people competing for status and attempting to draw up rules in line with their own definitions. Competing in games with other people's rules can be very poor for people's mental health.

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0008354634?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

KirstenBlest · 25/02/2022 13:45

Looking back they were also shocked when the babies were 2 months old that my DH was "allowed " to do bath time.

These are the 'mummy friends' who will be complaining on here that their DH has a hobby and 'never helps'

SoftSheen · 25/02/2022 13:45

You're not a bad mother, of course.

But it isn't surprising that many mothers wouldn't leave their 8 month old for a weekend (I wouldn't have done). If the baby is breast fed, then a 48 hour absence is quite difficult for both mother and baby.

And not leaving a baby overnight until they are a year or two old doesn't necessarily mean their parents can't be 'happy as a couple'.

KneadingKitty · 25/02/2022 13:46

I didnt and still wouldnt leave my child at that age because I think its too young. Do i think that makes me better? Nah. I have so many flaws as a mother. It simply makes me comfortable with the choices I made for my children. Thats what matters. Youre happy with yours and your child wont come to harm, so whatever. Enjoy! 😊

Swipe left for the next trending thread