Is this what defines a good mother these days?

[coffeelover13]

Just had a chat with my mummy friends and talking about our weekend plans .. I said that myself & DH are going away on a baby free weekend. (Baby is 8 months)

They were all shocked & said in quite a judging tone that they could NEVER do that !! How awful for the baby !! Wtf 😂

She will be left with my parents who absolutely ADORE her and I know she'll be well looked after. She's breastfed but takes a bottle or formula if needed. I don't see the issue here.

These ladies seem to think that they are better mothers as they have never left their babies for more than a couple of hours.

Looking back they were also shocked when the babies were 2 months old that my DH was "allowed " to do bath time. Again wtf ? He's her dad and after a long day away with work he loved doing bath time once home so I could have a cuppa.

Am I a bad mum ? When I'm with my DD I give her all of me. But I think it's just as important to spend some time with just my DH. Surely if we're happy as a couple that's a good thing for our DD
One of those "I never leave my baby " is an Instagram wannabe influencer & posts every 2 mins. So yes she's with her DD but spends 50% of her day on her phone. So how am I worse for going away for 2 nights ?

OMG your baby sounds so chilled out and flexible being happy with grandparents and takes a bottle. BOOM, what a dream, I'd go for it!

My boy is now 18mo and has always been a stage 5 clinger and never took a bottle so I had never really left him with anyone apart from his dad. We got him a babysitter at 10mo on occasions as we wanted to prep him for going into nursery when I went back to work at 12mo. Was very difficult and he took a long time to settle into nursery.

If baby is happy and your confident about the care I'd say you're doing very well and wish I could do the same! Enjoy!!

Also re. Bath I definitely have my dh bath my son, and I think most of my friends husbands do too. Totally normal. Ask these women how they cope without any help.

Being honest I do raise an internal eyebrow at the idea of leaving an 8 month old breastfed baby for two nights out of choice but I would NEVER say anything negative out loud as it’s totally none of my business. I’m not honestly surprised you noticed some hesitancy from a group of mums of babies when you said that, because it’s unlikely that all of those people would make the same choices as you. But if you’re happy it doesn’t matter, so enjoy your weekend and stop worrying about anyone else’s opinions.

I wouldn’t have wanted to leave mine (not that the opportunity ever arose then) but I wouldn’t judge anyone for a night or two. In fact when the first Gdc was about 10 months I gave dd a birthday present of a dinner, bed and breakfast, plus a lie in! - at a local hotel for her and Sil - dh and I babysat.

I was though, at a (non Brit) friend, who once told me she’d left her first baby for a whole month with her mother, while she and her dh went on an extended holiday.

Such things were not unusual within her particular (Mediterranean) culture though.

I don’t think you’re a bad mum. I’d reserve that for people who are physically and emotionally negligent.

My DH has been bathing baby since day one, because I had mobility issues.

I wouldn’t have left a breastfed 8 month old personally for two nights. I know mine looks for me and DH though, that’s what pulls at my heart strings. If you know yours is happy with your parents then what’s the big deal.

Mine is in nursery 11 hours a day from 1yo I know some people think that’s awful. But she’s happy there and doesn’t look for us, she’s happily bonded with the nursery carers.

Nope op, I’m 45 and my mother was like that, I can only conclude there’s outliers in every parenting generation. Most people wouldn’t bat an eyelid.

Oh but the bath thing is ridiculous.

I’m envious honestly of people who can worry less than I do. The idea of being a flight away from my kids makes me want to throw up, it blows my mind when people take holidays away from their young kids. But I bet they feel great for it, I wish I could be more relaxed as I know I’m anxious to a quite unhealthy degree at times.

@KneadingKitty

I didnt and still wouldnt leave my child at that age because I think its too young. Do i think that makes me better? Nah. I have so many flaws as a mother. It simply makes me comfortable with the choices I made for my children. Thats what matters. Youre happy with yours and your child wont come to harm, so whatever. Enjoy! 😊

This is what I mean, @KneadingKitty says it so much better!

Ignore the martyrs and have a lovely break.

I personally wouldn't have left any of my babies for that long that young, we breastfed and did attachment parenting style stuff. I would have hated being apart from then when they were that small. But we all have different priorities in life not everyone wants to be that sort of mum and that is your choice.

Is there anything better for a child than having a well adjusted Mum and Dad in a loving relationship? That look after their own wellbeing as well as their child's? I think as they grow up it will set a good example for them. So take the night off 😊😊😊

Nana and grandad had overnights from 5 weeks old. Getting a full nights sleep kept me sane and both now grown adults and they have a wonderful relationship with their grandparent

I wouldn't judge you or the other mothers. I always felt a bit agog at the idea of leaving a baby to spend a night away or something because there was no part of me that wanted to! It might be because it was because I was an older mother and so had had a long time of freedom before having dc.

But basically if you want to form an informed objective view it is worth looking at the actual research around attachment for babies. Also look at anxiety, effect of separation as a baby on the child when they get older, cortisol and so on.

If your mother meets the baby's needs and have been a continuous presence then that will be a positive factor here.

The other mothers may not have a trusted parent. I wouldn't have trusted my parents with my dc for 10 mins let alone 2 nights!

Enjoy every moment your weekend, OP! 😄

You are very fortunate to have people who can take her for a weekend. Of course it doesn’t make you a bad parent.

Go you! Happy Mama Happy baby. Win win.

I'm just jelly my parents live 3.5 hours away and in-laws live a 14 hour flight away lol. No chance of us getting any alone time anytime soon.
Since Bubba been born me and hubby have 0 time to ourselves and it's starting to get me down. Would be nice once baby is weaned to have a 2 or 3 night getaway something to plan later. But I'd bubba happy with grandparents then that's awesome.

Remember takes a village

They might just be jealous! Although here both sets of grandparents see kids regularly, neither would have been happy having them overnight at that age. One set has only recently agreed to have them for one night at the age of 3 and 5 - that’s what they are comfortable with so I’m not complaining, just a bit jealous of you!

It all depends on the circumstances. At 8 months DD was bang in the middle of seperation anxiety and teething, I doubt I had a full night's sleep for weeks. She also wouldn't eat thanks to tongue-tied we were waiting for a surgery appointment to get it fixed.

So, handing her over would just be cruel to the grandparents.

But, others I know have loving grandparents or other family around who are hands-on and the parents could go away for a night without any issues - and having an easier baby.

Bathtime - this is rubbish. DH did bathtime since birth, I bf so he washed/gave DD a bath most days to give me a break.

They do sound like mummy-martyrs who are only interested in taking about how great they are.

Mummy martyrdom is very fashionable these days @coffeelover13. I left my five month son with my mum to go to a festival. A good time was had by all. Go and enjoy yourself and pat yourself on the back for being a good mum who trusts her own mother.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Takes very little to be a bad mother, and even less to be a good father!

Absolutely. I'm sick of 'isn't he good?' When my husband changes a nappy. Ffs I do the other 9 a day!!

For those that wouldn’t leave your baby overnight or for a weekend with loving and capable grandparents-can I ask why? No judgement from me just genuinely curious. Is it that you think they won’t be cared for as well? Is it because you will miss them and would just prefer to be with them rather than anything else? Is it because you worry it would have some adverse impact on baby? Is it because social conditioning means you would feel
Guilty of you did? As I say just genuinely curious

I wouldn't have been able to leave my two at that age but that's partly because the grandparents would not have felt confident looking after them as babies and partly as I would have missed them too much. The first time I left my eldest was when he was nearly 4 and his sister was being born! Even then I felt really sad for him that he had me all this time to himself and now I was gone. I was desperate to go home to ensure he didn't feel replaced. In hindsight I think I was quite emotional as he was fine.

What's the definition a a good father?
I suspect from what I have seen on here that the bar is very low

YABU to criticise them, as much as they are for criticising you. We all parent differently. Having said that, I couldn't imagine finding it blissful to be away from my baby at 8 months. I'm having my first night away (for work) next Thursday and he's 16 months. I will definitely miss him. That doesn't make me a better parent, it makes me a different one.

Shit like this is exactly why I avoided NCT and mummy groups.

GO!! Your child will be cared for, loved and nurtured while you are away. 8 months is not a newborn and she will be absolutely fine. Good on you for giving yourself some self care and rejuvenation so you can go home feeling replenished and refreshed.

Mommy martyrdom serves no purpose except to put other parents down who choose to look after their own mental health so they can better look after their children.

Ohhhh I could NEVER leave my bubba, I actually got her surgically stitched to my tit so I can can be with her 24/7 and she always listen to Mumma's heartbeat.

FUCK OOOOOOFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF.