Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this what defines a good mother these days?

237 replies

coffeelover13 · 25/02/2022 12:54

Just had a chat with my mummy friends and talking about our weekend plans .. I said that myself & DH are going away on a baby free weekend. (Baby is 8 months)

They were all shocked & said in quite a judging tone that they could NEVER do that !! How awful for the baby !! Wtf 😂

She will be left with my parents who absolutely ADORE her and I know she'll be well looked after. She's breastfed but takes a bottle or formula if needed. I don't see the issue here.

These ladies seem to think that they are better mothers as they have never left their babies for more than a couple of hours.

Looking back they were also shocked when the babies were 2 months old that my DH was "allowed " to do bath time. Again wtf ? He's her dad and after a long day away with work he loved doing bath time once home so I could have a cuppa.

Am I a bad mum ? When I'm with my DD I give her all of me. But I think it's just as important to spend some time with just my DH. Surely if we're happy as a couple that's a good thing for our DD
One of those "I never leave my baby " is an Instagram wannabe influencer & posts every 2 mins. So yes she's with her DD but spends 50% of her day on her phone. So how am I worse for going away for 2 nights ?

OP posts:
bluesk75 · 25/02/2022 15:26

Pay no mind to them.

The first time I ever left DD alone with her dad was when she was 8 weeks and people were so surprised that I'd left her at home. I just went out to get my hair done and a pedicure lol. We first left DD to have two nights away at a hotel when she was 12 weeks. Again, we got loads of comments. I'm not sure if some people want you to be joined to the hip with your baby for every second but I never understood it.

Enjoy your two nights away, I'm sure it's well deserved and it's great to have a break

bluesk75 · 25/02/2022 15:28

I don't get the bath thing though? Is it that they weren't able to trust their partners to bath their baby or what?

BoredZelda · 25/02/2022 15:31

I'm not criticising them at all

This isn’t criticism? One of those "I never leave my baby " is an Instagram wannabe influencer & posts every 2 mins. So yes she's with her DD but spends 50% of her day on her phone. So how am I worse for going away for 2 nights

Sounds like you all judge each other. Also sounds like you have your own insecurities to deal with. Go, or don’t go. Whatever works for you.

Sunnytwobridges · 25/02/2022 15:36

Ahhhh... Sounds like your friends are a bunch of sancti-mummies. Only their way of mothering is the right way.

I had a friend like this. She always made me feel bad for looking forward to my child free summers (once my DD turned 5 she started going to her dad's house every summer for about 6 weeks). I was told what was the point of having kids if I looked forward to time without DD, I should be moping since she was gone instead of enjoying the child free time, etc. For years I felt like a bad mom because I didn't want to spend 24/7 glued to my kid but then one day I realized I was a better mother having that child free time.

There's no right or wrong in this situation. So do what's best for you, as long as your kid is safe and well cared for then you shouldn't feel guilty. I only WISH I could've had some weekends to myself when my DD was 8 months old, that would've been like heaven lol

ImWearingReallyJudgyPants · 25/02/2022 15:39

One of those "I never leave my baby " is an Instagram wannabe influencer & posts every 2 mins. So yes she's with her DD but spends 50% of her day on her phone

I'm afraid your entire post reads as "I'm better than my 'mummy friends'", OP. Of course you are not a bad mum if you're able to leave your baby for a night with extended family who love her, but you already know that.

inmyslippers · 25/02/2022 15:41

I really don't miss baby mum groups

minniep · 25/02/2022 15:43

The bath thing is weird I can't get my head around it at all.
I've never left mine while I went away overnight and my eldest is 9 but to be honest for me my issue is that my parents lived for their nights out and didn't particularly care about which sulky teenage sibling of my mum was babysitting so I've horrible memories of being left with people who didn't particularly want to be minding me. My gran sometimes minded me during the day but again I was made to feel like an inconvenience. Nothing horrible or bad ever happened to me but I hated it and I never want my child in that situation. I don't have any younger siblings to babysit for me so in reality it's a non issue but still I've a total thing in my head about leaving the children and them missing me too much but it's my issue. Also my mother has never offered to babysit so there's that. Enjoy your time away OP and appreciate the fact your child has fabulous grandparents.

bluesk75 · 25/02/2022 15:46

@minniep

The bath thing is weird I can't get my head around it at all. I've never left mine while I went away overnight and my eldest is 9 but to be honest for me my issue is that my parents lived for their nights out and didn't particularly care about which sulky teenage sibling of my mum was babysitting so I've horrible memories of being left with people who didn't particularly want to be minding me. My gran sometimes minded me during the day but again I was made to feel like an inconvenience. Nothing horrible or bad ever happened to me but I hated it and I never want my child in that situation. I don't have any younger siblings to babysit for me so in reality it's a non issue but still I've a total thing in my head about leaving the children and them missing me too much but it's my issue. Also my mother has never offered to babysit so there's that. Enjoy your time away OP and appreciate the fact your child has fabulous grandparents.
@minniep what is weird about the bath thing, can you explain because I don't see the problem?
TheDuchessOfMN · 25/02/2022 15:47

It’s not something I ever did or wanted to do, but I’d never comment if someone else did.
But then I never had helpful grandparents either, so maybe I’d feel differently if they were.

Tbh I’d be more amazed that you could actually leave a breastfed 8 month old for 2 nights. I mean, from a supply/engorgement issue, or the fact that she might be slow to latch once you’re back. I presume you’ll be pumping whilst away? Obviously you don’t have to answer that, just thinking out loud to myself Blush

Enjoy Smile

Lesperance · 25/02/2022 15:49

I don't think they are jealous, I would not have left my eight month old either. And I wouldn't have been jealous of anybody who did. The bath thing is weird. But you are judging them too. You clearly find it hard to image that anybody could have a different relationship with their baby than you do with yours. Neither of you is right, but you should learn to be a bit more secure in your decisions, because this will not be the last time that you will chose to do things differently to other people.

penelopequiche · 25/02/2022 15:49

You are clearly an awful mother. Time to yourself? How dare you?! Seriously though, just be happy that you have lovely parents that will willingly help and enjoy! How can you parent well if you're constantly exhausted and don't have time together as a couple. I left my dd with my mum and dad from time to time when she was little and everyone benefited. Ignore the judgment, better still find friends who don't judge!

Tdcp · 25/02/2022 15:52

I spent every waking moment with DD for 15 months, even then I only for a few hours out alone (not by choice). She barely gets any time away from me still, apart from school really (again not by choice, I try and arrange playdates etc). She's 7 and she still has separation anxiety. I'm not saying leaving your kids at every opportunity is a good thing but being with them 24/7 definitely isn't. Enjoy yourself!

Franca123 · 25/02/2022 15:54

I'm exactly like you. Just don't partake in the martyrdom.

RowanAlong · 25/02/2022 15:55

They were rude to comment, and might even have been jealous!

I couldn’t have done it at 8 months, but did it at 13 months - everyone gradually gets to that place eventually, I think! Takes some people longer to reach it but that’s their business, and neither should you feel guilty.

SartresSoul · 25/02/2022 15:55

As a general rule you’re probably not a bad Mum if you’re worried about being a bad Mum.

ufucoffee · 25/02/2022 15:55

I read your post as 8 weeks and I still wasn't shocked or horrified. You can leave your child overnight when you want to. You're right in what you're saying about competitive motherhood, see it all the time on here and on Instagram. I honestly don't think anyone is a better mother because they haven't left their child until they are 5, or because they lie on the floor next to the cot for 3 hours every night. Thats despite what they tell you.

Franca123 · 25/02/2022 15:56

I went away for a girls weekend when mine was 6months old. Bliss. It gave my partner a great opportunity to bond with his son. He invited some mates to stay and they all had a great time.

ufucoffee · 25/02/2022 15:57

@Blossom64265

The bath thing is strange. I actually agree that leaving a baby overnight is not a good idea. I think that applies to mothers and fathers.
Why do you think it's bad @Blossom64265
Katela18 · 25/02/2022 16:00

I am with you on this.

We left our DD overnight from about 6 months with either set of GPs, who absolutely adore her and are more than capable of taking just as good care of her as we are. I wouldn't have done it if I didn't feel confident in that.

She is now 2, and loves her monthly sleepovers with 'Mama' or 'Gama' (she goes to one of them every month, so for them it's bi monthly.) When we tell her she is so excited and her whole face lights up. I love that she has that bond already with both sets of grandparents.

I have struggled with my mental health and I need that time to recuperate, spend time with DH or do things for myself (we both work FT) in order to be the best mum to her I can be. I don't feel shame for that and neither should you!

Soozikinzii · 25/02/2022 16:01

O that's definitely a thing ! So the poor child has never had a proper night's sleep !

Pasithea · 25/02/2022 16:01

Niece wears her baby like a cheap coat. No one is allowed to hold her or feed her and she won’t put her down or into anything like a cot. No one can settle her not even her dad. Thats not good parenting

Eesha · 25/02/2022 16:03

Personally it's not something I would have done but really depends on your family unit. My parents have passed so I would have had to ask my sibling and I wouldn't have felt comfortable.

HarrietM87 · 25/02/2022 16:03

I think it sounds like you’re all judging each other tbh. OP - you are lucky you’ve got willing babysitters you can trust and a baby who will take a bottle. We had neither of those things so it would have been unthinkable for me. Maybe your friends aren’t in the same position are you?

Rosehugger · 25/02/2022 16:07

Eight months was about the first time I left DD1 with DH for the weekend, after I'd stopped breastfeeding and she would take a bottle reliably from him, Nice to have a break, though I couldn't wait to get back to her when I was heading home. Enjoy yourself!

DiscordandRhyme · 25/02/2022 16:10

No it's just different parenting styles - whatever works for the parents involved.

However, judgment isn't helpful as no harm is coming to your baby.

DS has only been left a few hours at nearly 1, but he's EBF and rarely takes a bottle.

Both my girls were around 1 when they were first overnight with my Mum and Dad.

It's very important to have couple time as well as friend time (I get neither at the moment!).

I reckon it's thinly veiled jealousy as their parents/DH wouldn't do what yours are doing which is their problem - not yours.

As long as she's not distressed with your parents (which I doubt very much) then you're doing absolutely nothing wrong IMO.

Have a lovely time ❤️

Swipe left for the next trending thread