Picnic-Gate

[ImStayingInside]

🙃 Planned a day out tomorrow for me, DH, DD1 11 & DD2 8 weeks. Just a trip to a nice park with a small picnic lunch.
My brother (25) asked if him and his new girlfriend could visit to see DD2, because we already had plans I asked them to join us on our day out. They said yes.
I text my brother this morning to say because the weather looks dry the plans were still on and we had ordered some snacks in our click and collect shop for a picnic and that him and his girlfriend could either bring a picnic as well, get a meal deal from the supermarket on the way or buy hot food from the park, but I wasn’t sure what was available because his girlfriend is quite fussy.
He text me back hours later asking could they not just have some of our picnic as he would feel stupid bringing their own food if we were eating a picnic.
We had already collected our shop by then, only scotch eggs, pork pies and other snacky bits, so not exactly a very luxurious picnic, but only enough for myself, DH & DD1.

My mum has since called to tell me I am mean for not providing their lunch as I invited them.
She said that she would never invite anyone out if she planned on taking a picnic without including them. I just didn’t even think, I assumed they’d be ok just bringing their own food. I mentioned that his gf is quite fussy so I don’t think she would eat what we like and my mum said we could have just made something else for her to eat.

AIBU?

YABU - you invited them so should have bought enough food to include them in the picnic - even if it meant changing what we were having to accommodate his girlfriend.

YANBU - they are 25 and old enough to provide their own lunch on a day out and mum should stay out of it.

I can't believe you've offered to go to the shop to buy him some food 😳

You always take your own food on a picnic.

And you didn't invite them, they invited themselves. But if you had invited them on a picnic, they still bring their own food. If you invite him to the seaside do you buy his chips and icecream?

We always take our own picnics when meeting family or friends out - everyone gets what they like, no one person has to carry the whole group's lunch etc. We might take extra of some nice nibbles to offer round maybe but not the whole meal. I don't know why people are comparing it to hosting at your house. - the point is you aren't hosting, you have allowed them to come along on your pre arranged plans because they invited themselves to yours. And it's your brother not the queen- if you can't ignore etiquette with your sibling and ask them to do something for themselves who can you be casual with!?

And actually, if I read correctly he was coming to meet a baby, it would be rude to assume you were catering for him even if you were at home. If I'm visiting a newborn for the first time, i always bring cake etc to share and offer to make the drinks, and if it needs to be over a meal time offer to bring a meal for everyone. I certainly don't expect a new mum to do extra shopping for me!

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

I think you knew they were a bit odd and not likely to bring any food, as otherwise you wouldn’t have felt the need to send such a long spoonfeedy message. Normally adults wouldn’t need to be told they could choose to bring a meal deal etx

I completely agree with this though. Your message is the type of thing I send when trying to explain to someone that I'm not doing something for them which I know they would have expected me to do.

I think if you invited them you should provide the food unless you made it clear at the time of the invitation it was being your own.

That said - it’s so not a big deal and definitely not worth them being bitchy about it!

I think it’s quite strange that you so prescriptive in what she should bring - he is an adult.

I also think it’s strange that your mum is involved and providing the food. If I was the girlfriend I would be mortified.

All really odd

Bit weird I would bring my own food.
If gf doesn't like any of it then tough.
They sound like the kind of people who will eat more than their fair share to be honest.
Maybe just say you cancelled and go on your own lol.

If someone invited me to a picnic I would not ever expect them to cater for me. I’d take my own and take some bits for everyone to share. Your DM and DB are being very strange. I never cater for overly fussy people either, if you’re weird about food, bring your own!

But you didn't contact them and invite them to come to your picnic, did you? They contacted you and asked if they could come round, and you told them you were already going out and taking a picnic with you, but they could tag along if they wanted, and to bring their own food.

That is not an invitation, and your mum is a twit.

They can buy their own bloody food.

I agree with first reply.
If they were coming, and you were staying at home, presumably you'd have provided them with lunch if they were staying over lunchtime, or coffee and cake if not ?
In which case, it seems odd to me to then not do the same because you have chosen to move your lunch to a park bench.

If it were a mass family meet up that everyone had arranged together in the Summer, then obviously I would expect each family to provide their own picnic, but as you invited them to join your picnic, and were picking up bits anyway, then I'd have just made sure I had enough for the 2 extra people. As it is "picky bits" and not a sit down meal, then the gf should be able to find something, and if not they can get a McDs on the way home. No big issue, but it would have been the right thing for you to pick up an extra pack of sausage rolls or whatever.

Either way, you DM is extremely unreasonable to stick her oar in.

Picnic = shared meal for the whole group (Perhaps hamper :) )
Packed lunches = individual (probably foil-wrapped or boxed) meals... probably catered individually.

You invited him to the second and he accepted the first.

Time to iron the picnic cloth, find the travel corkscrew and pack the wicker basket OP :)

(I'm not sure why your mum had to be involved in the confusion though.)

This is very amusing. Clearly you are going out and taking food and have mentioned this so he can bring his food as well.
You haven’t offered to host a catered party in a park. Your mother is enabling your brother to be quite feeble and a burden to women.

No wonder some young men find adulting hard when their mums baby them like this and expect everyone else to do the same. You spelled it all out for him and he still couldn't manage 'buy yourself a sandwich'!

Send a super cheery message saying 'haven't heard from you so we assume you'll get your own food, great, see you tomorrow!!' Ignore any other whiny messages from either him or your mum.

They are sitting in a park in February. They may not even want to sit (it snowed here today), they may find they just want to say hi then wander off and sit somewhere warm to eat. Your suggestion gave them maximum flexibility.

I can't get beyond sitting on a park bench and eating a packed lunch in February, it's bloody freezing.

Off topic but I love making up a picnic and would have told them not to bring anything in case they spoiled my vibe with their manky sausage rolls

You were clear about a meet up and invited him to bring food. Your DB saying "he would feel stupid bringing their own food if we were eating a picnic" is bonkers. Your DM chipping in is bonkers. Layer in a fussy adult and the alternative would have been buying food that would have been wasted.

I'm still prepared to support you, OP, even though you used 'snacky bits' which, let's face it, is almost as much of a declaration of war on the general public as 'picky bits'.

Good grief. Your mum needs to stop babying your brother for starters, and I can’t believe she rang you to tell you off. She’s lost the plot.

I think you need to have a frank conversation with her and point out that she’s still treating him like an incompetent 5 yr old.

When I visited my DS and DIL a few years ago, we went for a picnic lunch in the park and stopped at a Tesco Metro on the way and bought our own lunches, according to what we each fancied eating. It’s hardly an onerous task for your brother, is it? What a silly twit complaining to mammy.

@Chikapu we will be wrapped up warm. If it’s wet we will change our plans. I get that it’s not for everyone.

@Zilla1 I will disappoint you even more to say I would use picky bits if the food was hot and snacky bits if it’s cold 🙈 I have only just realised that it’s how I differentiate them in my mind but I am obviously crazy!

I always cater for myself and DD unless someone specifically says that they're hosting us or whatever. DD went out today with her auntie and cousin, I made her own lunch to take with her even though they invited her...

Ask your mum to send him a bottle of breast milk and his nappy bag😂

Ask your mum to send him a bottle of breast milk and his nappy bag😂

😂😂😂

I'm not sure he's old enough to have a girlfriend if he can't make a sandwich or buy one from a shop...
Or moan to his mum that his sister isn't making one for him..

Personally I wouldn't bother replying and just crack on with your real children!
If your mum wants to treat him like a 5yr old that's her lookout... and if she commented to me I'd laugh and ask if she was joking...
There is absolutely no need for you to sort out his food...

OP your bro needs to grow up and your mum needs to strop indulging him

@Darcyblackheart and then run as fast as I can 😂😂😂
If I’m mean for not giving him some lunch I don’t know what I’d be after that comment!

I think that you are being unreasonable, OP with the slightly ironic username 😉 because you did invite them. Do you live in the UK @ImStayingInside because I think it is rather more unreasonable to take all of you, but particularly an 8 week old baby, to a park for a picnic when it is this cold?! A brisk walk, and then pop into the cafe in the park for some soup, or something, and to be able to feed baby and change its nappy in the warm, would be much more my idea of a nice little outing with the newly increased family. But each to their own, your DH and DD1 could presumably have spoken up if they didn't fancy the picnic idea (I think that you are maybe a very outdoorsy family, which I think is great) and if you are breastfeeding baby, then it's your breasts that will get cold. I am not worrying about baby getting cold, as you sound way too practical to have overlooked anything to do with your baby, so I suppose I think that you are mainly being unreasonable to yourself!

IMO the joint most unreasonable ones here are your DB and your DM. Firstly at 25 (not 5, you didn't accidentally put a 2 in front of his age did you?) your DB is far to old to go complaining to his mummy that you have asked him to bring a few things for him and his girlfriend to eat at the picnic, but even worse than that, is that he said he would feel stupid bringing food to a family picnic - that just does not compute, why on earth would he feel stupid, I can't imagine anything more normal than bringing some of your own food to a picnic?

As for your DM ringing you up to tell you off (especially as you are only 8 weeks since giving birth), it would be laughable if it wasn't so infuriating. For her to then suggest say that you could just make your DB's DG, something for her to eat, is turning this small, rather sweet (even if it is also a slightly mad imo) plan, into a bloody military exercise 😂
Did you forget to tell your DM that you had a baby 8 weeks ago OP? Did your DM, DB and DB's DG not think that as your DB and his DG were going to be meeting his DN for the first time, and as she is still very young, that when he asked if they could visit you tomorrow, they should have been offering to bring a stew or something for you all to share, or a takeaway if that was too much trouble for them...

@ImStayingInside May I please forbid you from going out again to get more food, but this time for DB and DB's DG? The upset and miniscule confusion - all things considered - caused by you not making clear at the time, that on this occasion they would be expected to bring their own food to the picnic, does not warrant an 8 week post-partum mum having to go out to get her 25 year old DB, and his 25 year old DG some food for a ruddy picnic. They know the score now, so your stupid DB, and his probably just as stupid DG either bring their own food to the picnic, or they go hungry, or they decide not to go to the picnic at all, and go instead to your DM's for lunch, as I am sure that DM is eager to make amends for her disgraceful DD, who apparently can't have understood the picnic etiquette rules that DM has drummed into her over the years.

I am also sure that your DM will love to go to the extra effort to make sure that her DS's picky DG gets something to eat that she will enjoy. I just hope that DG remembers the etiquette rules that her own DM hopefully drummed into her over the years, and that she therefore remembers to thank her DBoyfriend's DM for all the effort she made making her DS's DG's picky meal.

Enjoy yourself tomorrow ImStayingInside, and while I'm staying inside I will be thinking of you, please have some 💐