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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have got angry with sister over the state of her house?

183 replies

ThreePac · 23/02/2022 20:05

Last year my sister came over to my house and suddenly burst into tears saying she was sick of her house being a shithole. She’s never been houseproud but to be honest her house has got gradually worse over the years, nothing gets redecorated , stained carpets don’t get cleaned, walls don’t get washed or repainted, broken stuff doesn’t get replaced … but I’ve never said anything as she seemed happy living like that and it wasn’t my place to question it. She was so upset and kept going on about how she loved my house but can’t seem to recreate it herself. So, I offered to help her do it up. We spent months repainting, buying replacement doors to replace the ones with holes in etc!! We recarpeted (money was never the issue) and I went around shops with her picking on out rugs, cushions, curtains, vases, mirrors etc … you name it. We completely redid her house and it took months of hard work. It looked beautiful when we’d finished and she loved it, I was so happy for her. She was posting photos on social media and everything.

I’ve not been to her house since last September.

She invited me over today. Walking into the kitchen one of the cupboard doors was hanging off and there was food splattered all over the walls and used tea bags just splattered onto the work tops. The house stunk of poo and wee from the dog … she said “look at this, you’ll love it” and took me to the living room. She’d pulled all her furniture out and given the entire room to the dog. There was stains all over the carpet and just a dog bed in the middle of the room. She’d put all her living room furniture into the dining room squashing the dining table up against the wall. I said “what the fuck have you done?” And she replied “given the dog his own room so that I dont get the rest of the house messy!” The fucking living room???!! I spent weeks decorating that for her. I’m livid. I ended up telling her “THIS is why your house never looks nice! You don’t look after stuff and make stupid decisions!” She got defensive and said it was her house and she could live however she wants. I replied “yes, but don’t ask me to help you with it ever again”.

Obviously we’re now not talking. Yes it’s her house but why let me spend months trying to make it look nice for her if she prefers it being a shithole???

OP posts:
Donotgogentle · 23/02/2022 20:07

This doesn’t sound . . . normal. Presumably there are other issues going on with your sister?

EmmaH2022 · 23/02/2022 20:09

Oh lordy
Do you think she turned on the tears to get you to help initially?

Why would a cupboard door be hanging off and why are teabags just chucked on the side?

Normally the state of someone else's house is no one else's business but it sounds like she used you as free labour.

NatriumChloride · 23/02/2022 20:09

Oh goodness golly gosh. I’d be pretty furious too. OP, is there something else going on? Is she under a lot of stress at work, or depressed? Who else is at home with her apart from the dog? What was she like growing up? Was she near and tidy as a teenager? Did she treat her possessions with care? Has she always been this dirty?

Libertybear80 · 23/02/2022 20:09

You can't make a silk purse from a sows ear. Your sister is a sows ear!

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 23/02/2022 20:10

I get why you feel fed up but I think YABU, sorry. Helping her get it sorted was a kind thing, but she doesn't owe you anything in return.

It does sound like for whatever reason she really struggles to know how to keep it nice. Depression? Exec function problems? I would be wary of making it your problem to solve though if you can't do that without expectation.

Pixiedust1234 · 23/02/2022 20:15

Its not usual for a woman to put holes in doors or to rag cupboard doors off their hinges. Its a man or teenage thing.... who else lives there? Could they/the atmosphere be making her ill to the point where she doesn't care about cleanliness? Whatever the reason it sounds a little more complicated than her not bothering. However I wouldn't be helping again until something changed in her first.

Aphantasia · 23/02/2022 20:16

@ThreePac the reality is some people are just incapable of picking up after themselves. Does she have children? I’d be more worried about her living situation if there are kids in the house

Riseholme · 23/02/2022 20:17

My ddil is just the same.
We get on well and I absolutely think the world of her but she has no interest in cleaning and seems to be clueless when it comes to running a home.
My ds is a bit better but between them they live in a mess.
I just tell myself that it's not my business.

Mum2jenny · 23/02/2022 20:18

Some people are just mucky buggers, you can’t help such people. I’d give up if I were you OP. You’ve done nothing wrong but your dsis doesn’t respect your input.

AtomicBlondeRose · 23/02/2022 20:18

It does sound odd. One person not doing much in the way for housework for 5 months wouldn’t wreck a house. It’d be cluttered and dusty but not trashed.

TenPenceMix · 23/02/2022 20:20

I'd be furious. It was a chance of a fresh start for her and all she had to do was keep on top of it!

Original poster
ThreePac · 23/02/2022 20:21

She has 3 kids at home - a 21 year old son, a 17 year old son and a 15 year old daughter. One of the doors we replaced had bullet holes in it from a BB gun ffs

The 21 year olds room is spotless, immaculate even.
The rest of the house is absolutely shocking.

OP posts:
Sazzlepop22 · 23/02/2022 20:21

@Donotgogentle

This doesn’t sound . . . normal. Presumably there are other issues going on with your sister?
This. Is she well?
GinIronic · 23/02/2022 20:24

Leave her be. She obviously isn't bothered being surrounded by shit and she is doesn't care enough to clean. Let her fester in her own filth. 🤢

LimeSegment · 23/02/2022 20:25

I think you have slightly misinterpreted the problem, sounds like there is a lot more going on than just "not redecorating" if cupboard doors are hanging off after six months. Cupboard doors can last for decades without any maintenance. I don't redecorate or repaint either, or wash my walls (maybe a little spot wash), my house looks great. Someone who let's their dog crap inside isn't mentally well at all.

So helping her clean up and decorate probably didn't really solve anything.

LimeSegment · 23/02/2022 20:27

So yanbu to be horrified but maybe your expectations were a bit off.

StoneofDestiny · 23/02/2022 20:27

I think her children are old enough to help sort the house out. Clearly there are few normal standards if someone is allowed to own a BB gun and shoot it into kitchen cupboards.
Just back off and don't visit - the smell of poo and urine in the house makes me 🤮 just thinking about it.

sst1234 · 23/02/2022 20:28

Some people are just disgusting and don’t care if they live in a dump. No amount of help can change that, don’t waste your time OP. She sounds lazy and unhygienic.

FactyFrances · 23/02/2022 20:28

I'm worried about the dog. Does no one take it out for walks?!

Midlifemusings · 23/02/2022 20:33

New furnishings isn't going to change who she is and how she lives.

Totalwasteofpaper · 23/02/2022 20:35

I thought from the state of the house she would be single with 5 kids under 7 or something similar to get to this level of unholy mess.

But... It's basically 4 adults in the house... Confused

You did did ridiculously nice thing for her.
You just can't help some people.

Agree with others. Concerned for the dog - itsoesnt sound like it's needs are being met Sad

Bunce1 · 23/02/2022 20:36

This isn’t typical behaviour within the realms of average human experience.

She has mental health issues? Surely?

mummykel16 · 23/02/2022 20:36

@ThreePac

Last year my sister came over to my house and suddenly burst into tears saying she was sick of her house being a shithole. She’s never been houseproud but to be honest her house has got gradually worse over the years, nothing gets redecorated , stained carpets don’t get cleaned, walls don’t get washed or repainted, broken stuff doesn’t get replaced … but I’ve never said anything as she seemed happy living like that and it wasn’t my place to question it. She was so upset and kept going on about how she loved my house but can’t seem to recreate it herself. So, I offered to help her do it up. We spent months repainting, buying replacement doors to replace the ones with holes in etc!! We recarpeted (money was never the issue) and I went around shops with her picking on out rugs, cushions, curtains, vases, mirrors etc … you name it. We completely redid her house and it took months of hard work. It looked beautiful when we’d finished and she loved it, I was so happy for her. She was posting photos on social media and everything.

I’ve not been to her house since last September.

She invited me over today. Walking into the kitchen one of the cupboard doors was hanging off and there was food splattered all over the walls and used tea bags just splattered onto the work tops. The house stunk of poo and wee from the dog … she said “look at this, you’ll love it” and took me to the living room. She’d pulled all her furniture out and given the entire room to the dog. There was stains all over the carpet and just a dog bed in the middle of the room. She’d put all her living room furniture into the dining room squashing the dining table up against the wall. I said “what the fuck have you done?” And she replied “given the dog his own room so that I dont get the rest of the house messy!” The fucking living room???!! I spent weeks decorating that for her. I’m livid. I ended up telling her “THIS is why your house never looks nice! You don’t look after stuff and make stupid decisions!” She got defensive and said it was her house and she could live however she wants. I replied “yes, but don’t ask me to help you with it ever again”.

Obviously we’re now not talking. Yes it’s her house but why let me spend months trying to make it look nice for her if she prefers it being a shithole???

What a yampy woman If that's all you said I think you are very dignified.
Mummytobe93 · 23/02/2022 20:37

It sounds to me she isn’t coping now just with keeping her house clean.

Who gives their living room to an animal?

She needs some major intervention

Mummytobe93 · 23/02/2022 20:38

“Not just” not “now “*