To have got angry with sister over the state of her house?

[ThreePac]

Last year my sister came over to my house and suddenly burst into tears saying she was sick of her house being a shithole. She’s never been houseproud but to be honest her house has got gradually worse over the years, nothing gets redecorated , stained carpets don’t get cleaned, walls don’t get washed or repainted, broken stuff doesn’t get replaced … but I’ve never said anything as she seemed happy living like that and it wasn’t my place to question it. She was so upset and kept going on about how she loved my house but can’t seem to recreate it herself. So, I offered to help her do it up. We spent months repainting, buying replacement doors to replace the ones with holes in etc!! We recarpeted (money was never the issue) and I went around shops with her picking on out rugs, cushions, curtains, vases, mirrors etc … you name it. We completely redid her house and it took months of hard work. It looked beautiful when we’d finished and she loved it, I was so happy for her. She was posting photos on social media and everything.

I’ve not been to her house since last September.

She invited me over today. Walking into the kitchen one of the cupboard doors was hanging off and there was food splattered all over the walls and used tea bags just splattered onto the work tops. The house stunk of poo and wee from the dog … she said “look at this, you’ll love it” and took me to the living room. She’d pulled all her furniture out and given the entire room to the dog. There was stains all over the carpet and just a dog bed in the middle of the room. She’d put all her living room furniture into the dining room squashing the dining table up against the wall. I said “what the fuck have you done?” And she replied “given the dog his own room so that I dont get the rest of the house messy!” The fucking living room???!! I spent weeks decorating that for her. I’m livid. I ended up telling her “THIS is why your house never looks nice! You don’t look after stuff and make stupid decisions!” She got defensive and said it was her house and she could live however she wants. I replied “yes, but don’t ask me to help you with it ever again”.

Obviously we’re now not talking. Yes it’s her house but why let me spend months trying to make it look nice for her if she prefers it being a shithole???

When the rspca visited was this just after you had cleaned for her-maybe if they came back they wouldnt be so thrilled with the mess everywhere and the dog shitting inside

The eldest seems to be different i assume he hasnt offered to help or has and you dsis has dsmissed it

@theleafandnotthetree

No surprises that the thread descends into worries about the dog (however legitimate they may be) - what about the 15 and 17 year old who have scarcely been mentioned. Maybe they should grow a tail and learn to bark and then people would be all over it

I agree theleafandnotthetree!

OP has anyone talked to the children to get an idea of their mother's state of mind? Surely they must hate living in squalor. They must be ashamed to bring friends home so probably never do. What does the 21 year old say about the situation? Has anyone asked him? If he keeps his room so clean, he obviously hates the condition of the rest of the house. It's awful that no one seems to be considering them and seem more concerned about the dog! (I agree that her dog 100% should be taken off her as it's not being looked after properly but is no one thinking of the poor kids??!)

@Kennykenkencat I hear you.

2-3 years ago, a couple of people, separately, asked me if I’d ever been assessed for ADHD. One was in a binge eating support group, the other in procrastination support group. My struggles are not for lack of trying.

I was diagnosed last year.

@MingeofDeath - apologies, I didn't mean that you were making it up, more that you couldn't see what was right in front of you.

Just because you do not have the insight, or qualifications, to realise that there are other issues at play, doesn't mean they're not there.

Incidentally, I realise this is no longer of any consequence to you, now you're not a district nurse, but those with diagnosed ADHD have a far shorter life expectancy, far higher rate of speeding tickets, points for bad driving etc, and far more likely to have addictions and even criminal behaviour.

If your have a clinical problem with impulse control and thinking through consequences, then there is nothing you can do about it unless it's diagnosed and you get help.

Equally, if your executive functioning is non-existent, because you're not producing enough norepinephrine (neurotransmitter chemical), then, it's a matter of medical fact that you cannot successfully organise a piss up in a brewery, without help.

@Bromse - very brave of you to tell us this, and yes, it is impossible.

Might as well ask someone to fly, as tidy up if they have some adhd traits.

I think the simple answer is this.
Some people would rather do other things than clean.
Some people would rather do other things than discipline their children ( if you don't do it when they are very young you have no chance when they become teenagers).
Some people would rather do other things than downtime walking their dog.
Some people would rather do other things than spend time training their dog.
End result it all become a unmanageable because they have spent their time doing other things.
Yes it can then be seen as a mental health problem but initially the effort and time was never spent doing the hard work.

@Gardeningcreature

I think the simple answer is this. Some people would rather do other things than clean. Some people would rather do other things than discipline their children ( if you don't do it when they are very young you have no chance when they become teenagers). Some people would rather do other things than downtime walking their dog. Some people would rather do other things than spend time training their dog. End result it all become a unmanageable because they have spent their time doing other things. Yes it can then be seen as a mental health problem but initially the effort and time was never spent doing the hard work.

How true.

Well thank goodness we had you to simplify matters! Never let learnin' get in the way. Bless your heart.

@Gardeningcreature

I think the simple answer is this. Some people would rather do other things than clean. Some people would rather do other things than discipline their children ( if you don't do it when they are very young you have no chance when they become teenagers). Some people would rather do other things than downtime walking their dog. Some people would rather do other things than spend time training their dog. End result it all become a unmanageable because they have spent their time doing other things. Yes it can then be seen as a mental health problem but initially the effort and time was never spent doing the hard work.

Aka laziness.