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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have got angry with sister over the state of her house?

183 replies

ThreePac · 23/02/2022 20:05

Last year my sister came over to my house and suddenly burst into tears saying she was sick of her house being a shithole. She’s never been houseproud but to be honest her house has got gradually worse over the years, nothing gets redecorated , stained carpets don’t get cleaned, walls don’t get washed or repainted, broken stuff doesn’t get replaced … but I’ve never said anything as she seemed happy living like that and it wasn’t my place to question it. She was so upset and kept going on about how she loved my house but can’t seem to recreate it herself. So, I offered to help her do it up. We spent months repainting, buying replacement doors to replace the ones with holes in etc!! We recarpeted (money was never the issue) and I went around shops with her picking on out rugs, cushions, curtains, vases, mirrors etc … you name it. We completely redid her house and it took months of hard work. It looked beautiful when we’d finished and she loved it, I was so happy for her. She was posting photos on social media and everything.

I’ve not been to her house since last September.

She invited me over today. Walking into the kitchen one of the cupboard doors was hanging off and there was food splattered all over the walls and used tea bags just splattered onto the work tops. The house stunk of poo and wee from the dog … she said “look at this, you’ll love it” and took me to the living room. She’d pulled all her furniture out and given the entire room to the dog. There was stains all over the carpet and just a dog bed in the middle of the room. She’d put all her living room furniture into the dining room squashing the dining table up against the wall. I said “what the fuck have you done?” And she replied “given the dog his own room so that I dont get the rest of the house messy!” The fucking living room???!! I spent weeks decorating that for her. I’m livid. I ended up telling her “THIS is why your house never looks nice! You don’t look after stuff and make stupid decisions!” She got defensive and said it was her house and she could live however she wants. I replied “yes, but don’t ask me to help you with it ever again”.

Obviously we’re now not talking. Yes it’s her house but why let me spend months trying to make it look nice for her if she prefers it being a shithole???

OP posts:
lljkk · 23/02/2022 22:33

I'm not understanding the no-dog-walks thing. There's a petite 60+yo woman up the road who walks an energetic over-excitable husky daily by my home -- she knows how to handle him. I sometimes see a local woman walking 2 giant super-sized huskies on the beach (to be fair, they are pretty mellow). But enormous dogs, for sure.

No excuses.

I'm a complete slattern but I couldn't stand to be in sister's house, either.

lborgia · 23/02/2022 22:35

Understanding is not the same as making excuses, which implies that I just think they should be allowed to carry on as they are.

I'm not saying that at all. I think it's cruel to say someone is lazy, when it's something outside of their control.

MimiDaisy11 · 23/02/2022 22:35

She doesn’t sound well. I know people have said you just get lazy people but the way she’s dealing with the dog suggests she can’t deal with issues like a normal person. I mean I’ve been lazy and unclean in my student days but this is something else. Also you say she just laughs it off but that’s what you are on the surface and could just be defensive.

TatianaBis · 23/02/2022 22:36

It’s surely recipe for a dog going crazy and attacking someone in the house that it’s never allowed our for a walk. One has to hope it’s not aggressive as well as strong.

lborgia · 23/02/2022 22:38

@lljkk - I agree, it's as if she sees the dog as a special doll, that needs a dolls house. She not seeing it as a separate sentient being, with its own needs and demands.

Much like the children actually.

Embracelife · 23/02/2022 22:38

She sounds unwell. Tell her gp your concerns. They can decide what to do with the information

Whataboutye88 · 23/02/2022 22:40

I completely agree with everything @lborgia says. It’s so easy to brand someone as lazy or filthy, but your sister is obviously distressed by the condition of her house or she wouldn’t have asked for your help to start with it. That’s not to say you’re not justified to feel immensely frustrated, but there are obviously deep-rooted issues at play here that aren’t just your sister being ‘lazy’.

WindyKnickers · 23/02/2022 22:40

@NellWilsonsWhiteHair

I get why you feel fed up but I think YABU, sorry. Helping her get it sorted was a kind thing, but she doesn't owe you anything in return.

It does sound like for whatever reason she really struggles to know how to keep it nice. Depression? Exec function problems? I would be wary of making it your problem to solve though if you can't do that without expectation.

I agree with this. You don't need to help her if it's too stressful for you to see her let things go to ruin again but you also don't need to fall out with her about it. You don't have to live there or even visit and she doesn't need to keep it nice for your benefit.
WonderfulYou · 23/02/2022 22:42

YABU even though I completely get your frustration!

Firstly, The dog having its own room seems like a good idea - if the dog is making a mess every time she goes out, at night etc then it’s sensible for it to have its own space - this shows that she does care about the state of her house.

Secondly, this is not someone who is lazy or enjoys living in filth, she is seriously struggling. No one enjoys living this way and I think at the very least she has depression.

I would say a big factor is the dog. I would encourage her to rehome it or even speak to the 21 year old. It’s so much easier to clean when you don’t have pets.

I would also help her with the kids as they seem a handful. You could offer to take them for a few hours which will give her time to do some cleaning without you having to do it again.

sst1234 · 23/02/2022 22:45

@Whataboutye88

I completely agree with everything *@lborgia* says. It’s so easy to brand someone as lazy or filthy, but your sister is obviously distressed by the condition of her house or she wouldn’t have asked for your help to start with it. That’s not to say you’re not justified to feel immensely frustrated, but there are obviously deep-rooted issues at play here that aren’t just your sister being ‘lazy’.
She keeps causing her own ‘distress’. At what point are people supposed to take responsibility? Or is it always someone else’s fault that they are irresponsible and for others to fix grown adults.
WonderfulYou · 23/02/2022 22:46

When I start getting a low mood the first thing that starts slipping is cleaning. It can quickly become depression because I get overwhelmed by the amount of cleaning that needs to be done so I don’t do it.
It’s a vicious cycle.

TatianaBis · 23/02/2022 22:46

I dunno - one of my friends’s mum’s house was filthy - she was utterly obsessed with animals and they rather took over the house. She didn’t like cleaning or tidying so she didn’t. Piles of dusty newspapers, dog hair in the butter. But she was an incredibly happy positive person - loved her kids, loved her animals and her incredibly messy house. Ok she treated her animals well, but giving them a room was exactly what she did.

She was upper middle class, maybe that’s why she got away with it.

TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo · 23/02/2022 22:47

I think you need to take a step back for your own sanity. I know islets really fucking frustrating when you go out of your way to help someone and then it feels like it's all been thrown back in your face.

My DSis came to me in dire straits about a year ago because she had so many debts she owed more on a monthly basis than she was paid. I cleared them all for her and set up a repayment on the proviso that she budgeted her money better so only had me to pay back each month. I then found out that within a month she was already borrowing from family members again.

Honestly sometimes you just have to let them get on with it and stop taking responsibility.

TatianaBis · 23/02/2022 22:50

No one enjoys living this way and I think at the very least she has depression.

I disagree. I think some people enjoy not cleaning more than they care about the consequences. Dirt doesn’t bother some people the way it does others - many men would live in squalor if it wasn’t for their partners, equally some men are very anal about clean and tidiness.

Gardeningcreature · 23/02/2022 22:50

I can’t find any excuse for how she is treating that dog.
If you can’t walk it and train it then you shouldn’t have it.
As for allowing her kids to be like this well, again it’s a choice she has made.
Nobody is forced to have 3 children. Nobody is forced to get a huge dog which they can’t control.
We all have issues and my home is not immaculate at all times. However I cannot understand the ops sister at all. Hell, needing to do some ironing for example simply does not compare to letting your dog shit and wee inside the house on a regular basis.

lborgia · 23/02/2022 22:54

Is there any point in me posting links about how the brain works, executive functioning, and intellectual disabilities?

If someone is depressed, and this leads them to neglect their self care/ home etc, would you say this was their fault, or a symptom of the disease?

I'm curious to know if you're perfect, and therefore unable to imagine such weakness, or just uneducated?

If your children/ closest relative is floored by an illness you can't see, do you take their word for it that it exists, or do you need to see a fever, rash, or a missing limb?

And finally, do you think weight loss is just a matter of self control - calories in/ calories out, or would you now recognise the medical conclusion that sometimes there are other factors, such as insulin resistance?

These may sound unrelated, but they all rely on understanding someone else's experience, or work on a subject. In accepting that you may not know everything. That your gut reaction may be to judge, rather than to find the root cause.

Jimjamjong · 23/02/2022 23:00

YABU for carpeting everything when she obviously has trouble keeping it clean/maintained and the dog is not properly house trained.
PVC flooring or tiling would be much better.

TooOldandTired · 23/02/2022 23:04

@lborgia

OMG the lack of insight and empathy is revolting.

I understand the OP feeling angry after all the work she put in, but seriously, did she really not have a clue that there were bigger issues here?

No one is JUST lazy. No one. How can you have known your own sister all these years, and not realise she has some kind of issues.

If she wasn't always liked this, something was a trigger, if she had always been this way, why had no one tried to get her help? Why would you think buying fucking vases would fix everything?

Completely bloody clueless.

What total BS, I'm an so sick of reading this shit time after time on MN.

Not all bad behaviour by people is as a result of mental health issues or special needs. Some people are just lazy - I know because I'm one of them! I try and keep some order in my house but it's not great mostly because I want to sit and watch TV in the evenings and not clean and tidy. Honestly I don't want to go to work most days and would happily stay in bed and watch TV, I only do it because I need to be paid to pay my mortgage etc.
Also she did try to help - she did up her whole fucking house.
The OP is not clueless but someone here is, I suggest you look in the mirror.

whynotwhatknot · 23/02/2022 23:12

@WonderfulYou

YABU even though I completely get your frustration!

Firstly, The dog having its own room seems like a good idea - if the dog is making a mess every time she goes out, at night etc then it’s sensible for it to have its own space - this shows that she does care about the state of her house.

Secondly, this is not someone who is lazy or enjoys living in filth, she is seriously struggling. No one enjoys living this way and I think at the very least she has depression.

I would say a big factor is the dog. I would encourage her to rehome it or even speak to the 21 year old. It’s so much easier to clean when you don’t have pets.

I would also help her with the kids as they seem a handful. You could offer to take them for a few hours which will give her time to do some cleaning without you having to do it again.

2 of the kids are adults and one is 15 theres no babysitting required
Notbeinfunnehbut · 23/02/2022 23:25

No one seems particularly worried about the kids ,that’s sad. Yeah some are grown but they are products of her upbringing Sad

OneSwallow · 23/02/2022 23:33

There are some serious things wrong here. Your sister sounds mentally unwell. She is being cruel to her dog which needs to be regimes, and she doesn’t sound like she’s parenting well either. She needs help.
Try to talk toher gently and kindly. Get her to seek help and rehome the dog. It’s really annoying that all your hard work has gone to waste, but your sister sounds like she’s really struggling.

OneSwallow · 23/02/2022 23:33

Rehomed!

Bromse · 23/02/2022 23:34

Your sister cannot help how she is, op, honestly.

Trust me, I know about such things.

I understand how you feel about it and you were marvellous helping her but - I also understand how she is and how feeling overwhelmed paralyses a person.

Being cross with her will only make he panic and, ultimately, get worse. So be cool, ignore. If she is upset and overwhelmed again, don't go so overboard with help, maybe just put a few bits in a rubbish bag and dump, do a bit of washing up or fill the dishwasher but no more.

(You're a lovely sister.)

pollygartertidywife · 23/02/2022 23:36

@lborgia

OMG the lack of insight and empathy is revolting.

I understand the OP feeling angry after all the work she put in, but seriously, did she really not have a clue that there were bigger issues here?

No one is JUST lazy. No one. How can you have known your own sister all these years, and not realise she has some kind of issues.

If she wasn't always liked this, something was a trigger, if she had always been this way, why had no one tried to get her help? Why would you think buying fucking vases would fix everything?

Completely bloody clueless.

What a complete load of bollox! There are no lazy people ????? What planet are you on ?

All the kids in care because of parental neglect. Can't be arsed to buy them breakfast but never forget to buy themselves cigarettes. (Our primary has FIVE families in this position)
All the animals rescued by charities because like the OPs sister - too LAZY to walk it or arrange another home.

Not everyone has MH issues. ! Some are just fucking lazy scroats .
Some have MH issues as well as being fucking lazy scroats.

By your reasoning no one is ever responsible for unreasonable behaviour. So every abuser should be 'understood' and 'given understanding' ? If a man beats his wife and child this is because he is a misunderstood and needs MH support ?

Dangerous nonsense .

Thighdentitycrisis · 23/02/2022 23:39

I would consider how appealing it was for you to ‘help’ her to decorate the house

I’m assuming you enjoy making your house nice and therefore when she requested your help you jumped at the chance, really it was gratifying for you and you felt like you were giving her the end result she wanted

Would you have put in all the effort, which you now resent, had she needed help with something you don’t enjoy doing? Like the garden or fixing her car ? I don’t know just thinking

What people often need are not others to do it for them - under the guise of helping them to do it. They need help to do things for themselves and accept what they can do as being good enough (when it is)