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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has suggested division of childcare/housework unfair...

456 replies

ooooopsididit · 23/02/2022 14:01

Just that really!

DH works full time, from home until recently, but is now back in the office two days per week.

I am a SAHM of two nursery age children.

Both children are at nursery four half days and one full day per week.

DH and I split the morning get up and ready routine, and bedtime routines between us.

The housework is also split about 50/50, although I do more cooking and all laundry.

I also do all lunchtime pickups of DC.

For the complete picture I do have a little cleaning job of about four hours a week, but I could give that up if I wanted the extra time back.

I thought this was fine but DH his just said he thinks it's a bit unfair... I suspect he may be right.

AIBU to expect this to be fine
YABU to split this way as he works full time

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 23/02/2022 14:04

I’m not sure what you’re asking
You work 4 hours per week
You have two kids in nursery half days and one full day
You’re a SAHM otherwise
Do you think it’s fair?

rubyslippers · 23/02/2022 14:05

I would expect the SAHM parent to do the lions share -
Your DH sounds hands on and involved unless there’s something I’m missing

CornishGem1975 · 23/02/2022 14:05

I'd say as a SAHM (and I've been one), that it would be fair if you took on more of the load, especially as you've got a fair chunk of the week when the DC are out of the house.

I don't really think anyone is being unreasonable but it does sound like your DH is doing more than I would expect of someone who was working full time when the other person is mostly at home all day.

DrSbaitso · 23/02/2022 14:06

You're free two and a half days a week. I don't think the housework should be 50:50.

GeneLovesJezebel · 23/02/2022 14:06

No, it’s not fair.

BestZebbie · 23/02/2022 14:07

I can't see any voting buttons but I vote "Probably YABU".

If you are splitting chores 50:50 then what are you doing five mornings and one afternoon per week?

If it is largely free time then you are getting a lot more free time than your husband, which isn't fair.
If you are doing lots of life admin/prep, your cleaning job etc, then deduct that time first and then see if what is left is more than your husband gets (it does sound likely that it still will be though).

Original poster
ooooopsididit · 23/02/2022 14:07

I'm asking if it's a fair division of housework and childcare between us, as he works full time and I'm a SAHM but we split everything 50/50.

He seems to think not. I hadn't really thought about it until he pointed it out.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 23/02/2022 14:08

You have a lot of time to yourself, how much housework are you doing in that time? Is he happy with you being a SAHM but expects you to get more done?

I’m at home with toddler DD who isn’t in childcare. I run a small business and do a volunteer role from home. I do nearly all the housework, all the laundry, most of the cooking, most of the gardening, DIY etc. Weekends and evenings we split anything that needs doing but there isn’t much as I’ve done it during the weekdays and we maximise chore-free family time.

Tibtab · 23/02/2022 14:09

If you’re at home with no children (e.g. they are in nursery) then I would expect you to be doing household jobs. When the kids are at home, depending on their ages I would try and do some housework.

The key is that you both have the same free time.

Thurlow · 23/02/2022 14:09

No, not fair, not when the kids are at nursery.

Childcare when you are both around is normal to share, but the person not working should be doing to the bulk of the housework.

I’d also think, what are you doing with your time when DH is at work and the children are at nursery? Because if it’s ‘fun’ or hobby stuff and you get loads of time for that and your DH doesn’t, that’s unfair.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/02/2022 14:09

What does he want you to do more of?

You don’t have equal down time, you have much much more. Do you think that’s fair?

Mummy1608 · 23/02/2022 14:10

Is it not possible to do all housework and even meal prep while the kids are at nursery? Sounds like they are there for a good chunk of time.

Alternatively you could increase your work hours if possible

Avenueofcherryblossom · 23/02/2022 14:10

Yabu I think your husband is right. You work 4 hours a week and he does 40 hours the household burden should fall to you in the main.

Thatsplentyjack · 23/02/2022 14:10

Eh, yes, that's really unfair. If I was working full time and my partner basically didn't work then I wouldn't be splitting chores 50/50.

Original poster
ooooopsididit · 23/02/2022 14:11

Thanks all. I've been a bit oblivious I think 😑

I have one DC at home Tuesday and Wednesday morning while the other is at nursery but still get all day Monday and half day Friday to myself.

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 23/02/2022 14:11

I don’t think it’s fair
And I think that it seems strange that it’s not occurred to you
What are you doing with the time when the kids are in nursery because that’s a lot of free time per week vs your husband working full time

KatharinaRosalie · 23/02/2022 14:11

How much free time/leisure time does he get, and how much do you?

LucyLocketLostThePlot · 23/02/2022 14:11

You should both have the same amount of free time.

So you should either do more housework or more paid employment?

girlmom21 · 23/02/2022 14:12

Of course it's not fair. You have 3 full weekdays to yourself essentially yet still expect him to do half of all housework and childcare.

Say theoretically he did all childcare etc on Saturday and you did it all on Sunday, you'd get 4 full days a week to yourself and he'd get one.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/02/2022 14:12

What do you do with your child free time?

Hugasauras · 23/02/2022 14:12

It's not really being a SAHM when neither of your kids are at home half the week, though!

lking679 · 23/02/2022 14:12

I’d expect when kids are in nursery you’d be doing the household stuff.
Doing morning and bedtime routines 50/50 is fine but if your husband does any chores I’d say with your arrangement you could probably take them on and do them in the mornings?

BurntO · 23/02/2022 14:13

The childcare split sounds fine IMO, you both made babies and 50/50 for wake ups and bed time sound good, it’s important for kids to have both of their parents doing this and for all of you to have that time together regardless of work commitments.

I think you should be taking over more of the chores 100%. 50/50 isn’t fair.

SoftPillow · 23/02/2022 14:13

I'm afraid that I don't think it's fair. Bedtimes and mornings should be split if you're both equally available then.

But taking on more housework is part of the SAHP role, particularly if the children are at nursery. What do you do all day?

When I was in this position I did all weekday mornings and most bedtimes. I did all weekday cooking, laundry, shopping, tidying. Of course he'd help with some bits but I wouldn't expect him to be ironing when I was at home all day.

Weekends was split but he'd do more DIY jobs.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 23/02/2022 14:14

I agree with him. Do a rough calculation of 'working day' and you do fewer hours overall so yes, it's not unreasonable to do a few extra jobs while you have free time during the week.

He shouldn't expect to do bugger all but I'd take on a little more if I was a sahm to children at nursery