DH has suggested division of childcare/housework unfair...

[ooooopsididit]

Just that really!

DH works full time, from home until recently, but is now back in the office two days per week.

I am a SAHM of two nursery age children.

Both children are at nursery four half days and one full day per week.

DH and I split the morning get up and ready routine, and bedtime routines between us.

The housework is also split about 50/50, although I do more cooking and all laundry.

I also do all lunchtime pickups of DC.

For the complete picture I do have a little cleaning job of about four hours a week, but I could give that up if I wanted the extra time back.

I thought this was fine but DH his just said he thinks it's a bit unfair... I suspect he may be right.

AIBU to expect this to be fine
YABU to split this way as he works full time

I've never seen bedtime as a household chore and if you have not seen your DC much in the day, it is a nice time to have with your DC, unless they are a complete pain in the neck at bedtime.

It is also very important for DC to see adults reading, especially men.

DH would always do bath time when possible and we would both read stories with DC.

Getting everyone out of the house in the morning can be joint, Can't imagine sitting on my arse whilst me partner wrangled DC out of the house. Fine once the DC are teenagers and can sort themselves.

I would think it was sad if the partner is asking for less time with DC, would possibly understand more if he didn't want to hoover once he got in from work

Is he also saying he shouldn't have to do anything at weekends, or whenever he has his days off

@ooooopsididit

I think it's worked out this way as while DH is working 40hours per week Monday-Friday...I'm looking after our children for around the same amount of hours Monday-Friday, even with them being in nursery some of the time.

When they were both at home in lockdown I'd be with them all week for 12 hours per day. That's 60 hours per week not including the weekends.

I think it's sort of grown in to the current arrangement after that.

Add on top,of that that DH actively wants to help with the housework and it's all a bit confusing unless someone says that feel it's not split fairly.

Well done for looking at it objectively.

Carry on with the mornings and evenings as it's good he's involved with the children.

Use the weekdays to get on top of the chores and use the weekends to do your own thing as a family/downtime.

@SingingToMySeeds

Yes actually you're right, I am in charge of all family admin and anything child related, organising play dates, parties, buying presents and being available when anyone is poorly. All appointments for children are my area.

I do 90% of the cooking, and until recently did all the meal planning and shopping by myself, taking my 2 & 3 year old with me when they weren't in nursery.

I get one day to myself but I still take and pick up DC on that day. And now DH is back in the office he'll go out for a beer after work once a week.

Weekends we both get a lay in each and if one of us does something on a weekend then the other is free to do the same when it suits them

Is he really doing 50%? Who did the night feeds? The food shops?
Also, is he maintaining a proper career while you sah? Sah does save a family a hell of a lot of money in childcare costs which can often wipe out a whole income and I think this sometimes gets forgotten and people think the sahp is just having a lovely time at home. A sahp also misses out on career progression, pension etc. So I'd be wary of a wohp if they were enjoying the benefits of working without having to worry about childcare or losing all their annual leave to cover school holidays, if they were resentful of the sahp having a little bit of extra free time.

I think it's a bit weird that he resents it tbh - in my house no one would notice or care, so long as one person wasn't doing both while the other did everything.
I can't put my finger on it but it feels a bit mean. Looking after kids and doing a cleaning job aren't exactly fun. He might be having an easier time of it in the office.

I've made a load of assumptions here but I don't think it's as black and white as saying the OP is being unreasonable.

Between office hours, your job is looking after DC and housework.

Before and after should be 50/50!

@ooooopsididit

I'm asking if it's a fair division of housework and childcare between us, as he works full time and I'm a SAHM but we split everything 50/50.

He seems to think not. I hadn't really thought about it until he pointed it out.

You hadn't thought about it? I guess it suited you not to think about it because it sounds a very sweet deal for you. Your husband, not so much.

And also to note that you still need and deserve time off from this job.

[quote ooooopsididit]@SingingToMySeeds

Yes actually you're right, I am in charge of all family admin and anything child related, organising play dates, parties, buying presents and being available when anyone is poorly. All appointments for children are my area.

I do 90% of the cooking, and until recently did all the meal planning and shopping by myself, taking my 2 & 3 year old with me when they weren't in nursery.

I get one day to myself but I still take and pick up DC on that day. And now DH is back in the office he'll go out for a beer after work once a week.

Weekends we both get a lay in each and if one of us does something on a weekend then the other is free to do the same when it suits them[/quote]
What is your DH suggesting would be a fairer split?

If he's suggesting a slight tweak to equalise it a bit more than fair enough.

If he's suggesting you should be doing it all then not fair enough.

It's unfair on him. Where is his days to himself? If your a SAHM it is expected that you pick up most of the slack so 60/40 or 70/30 is fairer as your not bringing in a wage (minus your 4 hour a week job but I imagine that doesn't really pay for much.)

He works five days a week, you work (I.e. childcare when your kids are at home) the equivalent of two days a week. You should be doing the vast majority of the housework, laundry, etc.

Nah there’s no need for him to do the morning routine with you, or all these bedtimes!
I’m a sahm to 4 children, aged between baby and 10 and I do all morning routines, all bedtimes (he’s still at work), all child admin, all cleaning, all laundry and DH cooks mine and his dinner (we eat after the kids later on), does the bins and does all finances. He also loads the dishwasher last thing at night. I think we have a fair division.

I think we're both a bit envious of the other tbh.

I'd love to swan off to the office, leisurely lunch and drinks after work.

He'd love to spend more time with the kids and have no financial responsibilities..

But we are where we are!

For what its worth, I do not think your husband is getting quite the sweet deal everyone thinks he is?

Why wouldnt he help in the morning and evening?

@ooooopsididit

I'm asking if it's a fair division of housework and childcare between us, as he works full time and I'm a SAHM but we split everything 50/50.

He seems to think not. I hadn't really thought about it until he pointed it out.

You have to be joking? How could that have not occurred to you. 🙄

Out of interest, do your children do alternate days at nursery? The way you phrased it with having ‘at least one child’ with you makes it sound like DC1 does Tues, DC2 Weds and so on. If that’s the case I’d consolidate their childcare if at all possible. Then you have a clear demarcation between parenting time and time to do other things.

Life admin is an important one to take into account - DH and I split all chores 50/50 despite me being on 4 days a week, because my ‘day off’ is looking after a toddler and doing the life admin (so it’s when I’ll do the supermarket shop, get the car MOT’d, sort DC’s dentist appt etc). We then both work 2 days a week from home (alt days) which we use to tackle laundry, meal prep etc. Our ultimate goal when we came up with the plan was to leave Saturday and Sunday as free as possible for individual or family ‘fun’ time, and in fairness it generally works - we don’t often have much we have to do of a weekend.

She's not bringing in a wage but her labour is saving what would be quite expensive childcare fees for 2 children. That is a financial contribution. Not all jobs pay enough to cover childcare fees and using childcare means using up annual leave to cover holidays and illness.

@Peanutbuttercupisyum

Nah there’s no need for him to do the morning routine with you, or all these bedtimes! I’m a sahm to 4 children, aged between baby and 10 and I do all morning routines, all bedtimes (he’s still at work), all child admin, all cleaning, all laundry and DH cooks mine and his dinner (we eat after the kids later on), does the bins and does all finances. He also loads the dishwasher last thing at night. I think we have a fair division.

Why wouldnt he do bed times though? He has finished work?

Sitting on your arse in front of a computer 9-5 doesnt exempt you from parenting when the day finishes

I have to say I think it’s a bit unfair.. and I suspect some responses would be different if genders were switched here..
I work pt but still do all pick ups/drop offs and do more housework than my husband- and I always have a child with me at home.
I know people like to describe looking after Roth own children as if it’s a job, but it isn’t..that’s also why you say you have the cleaning job. You could always up your hours here if you thought that would be worth it?
If my husband had a full day and night to himself, and we still did everything equally, I’d be a bit peeved. I’d suggest you talk to him about any extra jobs you’re willing to do- but don’t over promise.

Am I doing laundry wrong? Like I'm not saying it doesn't build up and many loads etc but apart from loading it and then putting it somewhere to dry it's not a strenuous job like you're actively doing the washing for 30-60 minutes or whatever whilst the machine is actually cleaning the washing.

@ShadowPuppets yes that's right. They do some mornings together and then each have a day at home for some individual time with me. Some things I can't take both of them to, due to ages, and don't want either to miss out so take them Each to age appropriate things individually

Actually just realised I don’t do all pick ups- dh does school pick ups/drop offs 3 days a week. I do the nursery ones those days though.

@ooooopsididit

I'm asking if it's a fair division of housework and childcare between us, as he works full time and I'm a SAHM but we split everything 50/50.

He seems to think not. I hadn't really thought about it until he pointed it out.

Well if you put it like that it doesn't sound fair does it. You sound like you have alot more free time.

@FrustratedTeddyLamp

Am I doing laundry wrong? Like I'm not saying it doesn't build up and many loads etc but apart from loading it and then putting it somewhere to dry it's not a strenuous job like you're actively doing the washing for 30-60 minutes or whatever whilst the machine is actually cleaning the washing.

Thinking back to having two under 3 and no washing machine, doing the laundry with an automatic machine is virtually nothing. Ironing is another matter.

All this focusing on 'only' having 1.5 days a week child free. I'm sorry, but being at home with one child (or even two!) Is qualitatively different to paid employment out of the house. Yes there are drudge elements but also lots of opportunities for doing what you want, having fun etc going on outings, meeting friends and family, lashing a movie on on a wet afternoon and putting your feet up AND having time to do housework, meal prep etc. Unless there's some unknown factor like an elderly relative needing lots of support, a humongous house, a disability, etc., then being a SAHM is just not the same as going out to work. I was one for quite a few years and there were things about it I found hard. None of those things would have been improved by taking the piss in terms of division of labour with my husband. I think OP has been.

If DH didn't help with the mornings and evening routine the kids would never see him, apart from on the weekends.

I don't think working full time is cause to remove all parental involvement.

I also think that while I could do more around the house, he lives here too and makes mess, eats food, wears clothes. Why shouldn't he do some of the housework.

He's the one who offers to clean the bathroom! I'm happy to do it myself, but I'm hardly going to stop him when he's happily heading off with the Cif in hand.