DH has suggested division of childcare/housework unfair...

[ooooopsididit]

Just that really!

DH works full time, from home until recently, but is now back in the office two days per week.

I am a SAHM of two nursery age children.

Both children are at nursery four half days and one full day per week.

DH and I split the morning get up and ready routine, and bedtime routines between us.

The housework is also split about 50/50, although I do more cooking and all laundry.

I also do all lunchtime pickups of DC.

For the complete picture I do have a little cleaning job of about four hours a week, but I could give that up if I wanted the extra time back.

I thought this was fine but DH his just said he thinks it's a bit unfair... I suspect he may be right.

AIBU to expect this to be fine
YABU to split this way as he works full time

Well they don't split home life 50/50 do they, because OP is caring for a child most of the time her DH is at work.

You don't mention weekends, is he getting some time to himself then?

SAHM here. DH full time.

I do everything in the house pretty much. He will unload the dishwasher a few times a week, wash up after dinner a couple of times, puts away his own clothes. But I do everything else.

@Hillarious

Regardless of how much work anyone is doing anywhere else, I'd want to share morning and bedtime routines, as that's all part of spending time with your children. If that's too much to ask, you could always get a nanny.

So two children in nursery, a mum staying at home, and a nanny to help with the bedtimes? I mean what’s the point of being a sahm in that case?

If a woman posted that she worked full time, her husband didn’t work, with two kids in nursery and did only half of the housework and now wanted a nanny for bedtimes he’d be lambasted as a cocklodger. I’m not one to criticise sahm and think actually they often have the bad end of the deal but op isn’t being reasonable here.

So you get 1.5 days to yourself. I presume you’re doing washing/shopping/cooking those days? Not just laying around? Is that what DH thinks?

Childcare and chores should be 50/50 when you’re both at home and not working.

BTW you do also deserve some time to yourself!
If you can’t get that in the week because he “objects” then maybe you should leave the kids with DH at the weekend for a few hours?

Yeah I'd be oblivious to it of I was getting 1.5 days off to myself as well!

I think if you're a SAHP it falls to you to do more round the house, especially if you get child free days. When I was out of work DH still did housework but day to day cleaning, laundry, shopping etc was all in my remit as well as looking after DC.

From the way you've written it it doesn't sound fair, but you might be doing yourself a disservice. If you do housework/cooking prep/run family errands for the whole day and half you've got without the kids and then you split stuff 50/50 when he's home, that sound fairer. If you do little to no housework when you haven't got the kids and actually everything really is 50/50 then no, that's not fair. I'm adding that caveat just because my ex-h would think he did 50/50 if he did big obvious things like a load of washing or mowing the lawn, but he would never think that a bathroom would need regular cleaning, a floor mopping, or a house dusting. He doesn't think of actual cleaning at all!

@Wulfenite

Well they don't split home life 50/50 do they, because OP is caring for a child most of the time her DH is at work.

You don't mention weekends, is he getting some time to himself then?

OP has 1.5 days per week to herself, though.

There's no way her DH gets the equivalent time unless he opts out for most of the weekend, which doesn't seem likely considering OP says he's incredibly hands on.

I was a SAHM for three of four and under and dh would be out of the house 7am until 6.30pm. We had no division of anything. I did all I could in the day, sometimes only what I wanted to do, and he would parent as soon as he was home. Night feeds he would bring the child to me, wind and return to bed. He would bath the child then I would feed and this carried on eventually he would be bathing two while I fed the baby. He would then read to the two older ones and eventually all three. He was out all day so wanted to do all her could. Your OP really reads as your dh resents what he does do and it is all about making sure you don't have too much time without a child while he works oh so hard in the office.

On the surface, no it doesn't sound very fair to your DH. However, if you were to add that he gets all Saturday and half of Sunday off to do his hobby on his own, then it would be. I always think it's better to look at whether you have equal time off.

So what do you want to do about it OP?

On what you’ve written you seem to have more daytime free time than him. Have a think and reassess. Remember school holidays you’ll have children all the time so will need to be different. I sahm with children in nursery/school will have time for housework too.

I just don't get this. Dh and I just did what needed doing between us. There was no counting up of how many minutes a job had taken. Dh and I work differently. He liked to chill then do chores. I can't relax when things needed doing. Some days I do more than him. Some days him more than me. We do the jobs we like the best and dh does anything I don't want to. I do all the washing. Most of the cooking but the last two years I have been poorly and injured a fair amount so he has done more. Little love seems fine.

@GeneLovesJezebel

No, it’s not fair.

Agree.

I think it’s a bit unfair but not wildly. I wasn’t clear at first that you have a child with you for 3.5 days rather than for just 2 days.

You need to pick up more housework that your husband in that time - albeit that you don’t have to be working away every minute. Overall you should have equal free time.

I’d keep the mornings and bedtimes with the children equally split because that’s important bonding time for you both, but also those are the most exhausting bits that can make you feel like life is a constant treadmill if you do all of it.

If you have 1.5 days to yourself, how much does your dh get?

If he has a mysterious mumsnet hobby that takes him out every Saturday and an evening in the pub every week then it’s still probably even.

If not - could you use Monday as your housework day, blitz the house, do some meal prep for the week and change the sheets & towels away/put weekend laundry away - then you both get to relax a little more during the week.

If you're doing more cooking though - is that while he's sitting around watching tv? And I assume he's around on the weekends and not playing golf or weekend?

In which case the before/after work childcare/cooking split probably fine as is. but you should be using some of that 1.5 days of free time to do the bulk of the household chores/cleaning.

Of course, that assumes that DH doesn't spend every saturday golfing for 10 hours or whatever.

I'd use that half day for cleaning et

Generally speaking, I think it is fair if you both have equal amounts of time free of childcare, chores and paid work. From what say, it sounds as if you have more free time than him. I would have thought that with 4 half days and 1 full day of nursery you could do pretty much all the household stuff, leaving the evenings and weekends free. Then when he is around you would share childcare and stuff that has to be done in the moment (cooking etc) equally. If you are taking time to do your own thing when the kids are at nursery, then to be fair he should get similar time to do his own thing at weekends.

Unless I'm on leave, I always consider mon-fri between 9-5pm as 'working' hours. So when I'm not doing paid work I expect to be doing chores / life admin / housework. Taking a lunch break to do exercise or whatever is fine, but if you are having long periods of leisure, and he isn't, then the balance is unfair.

I’m a SAHM and DH works full time and we split the housework and cooking 50:50 (and have a cleaner one morning per week) my children are at home full time though which I guess means my “full time job” is looking after them all day. I just think so what works for you guys and your mental health. It’s also important to not feel like a downtrodden housewife who spends all her free time cleaning etc? My DH recognises this and thinks it’s important that our DC see him cooking and cleaning too

I agree your DH does much more then most in those circumstances.
As the SAHP I would expect to get the children ready for nursery each morning and do the majority of the cooking and housework Monday to Friday. The putting to bed I think it fair to split he does it on the days he wfh, depending on the time he finishes and you do it the days he is in the office.

Weekends are different.

I think it's worked out this way as while DH is working 40hours per week Monday-Friday...I'm looking after our children for around the same amount of hours Monday-Friday, even with them being in nursery some of the time.

When they were both at home in lockdown I'd be with them all week for 12 hours per day. That's 60 hours per week not including the weekends.

I think it's sort of grown in to the current arrangement after that.

Add on top,of that that DH actively wants to help with the housework and it's all a bit confusing unless someone says that feel it's not split fairly.

I agree with your DH but I see you've already taken people's opinions on board anyway!

I disagree with the majority here. OP has just 1.5 days child free and does all the laundry and most of the cooking. Laundry is a huge job that her DH does none of. So she is already doing more. I wouldn't be surprised if she was taking on significantly more of the family admin too, though this hasn't been mentioned. Who organises all the dentist appointments, remembers to get birthday presents and cards, arranges holidays and does the shopping etc? Women often have many of those tasks and don't count them, but they do count.

I think you should take the time you are childfree and not working and use that for laundry and whatever else needs doing.

Whatever needs doing on top of that needs to be split evenly though.

@Fink

From the way you've written it it doesn't sound fair, but you might be doing yourself a disservice. If you do housework/cooking prep/run family errands for the whole day and half you've got without the kids and then you split stuff 50/50 when he's home, that sound fairer. If you do little to no housework when you haven't got the kids and actually everything really is 50/50 then no, that's not fair. I'm adding that caveat just because my ex-h would think he did 50/50 if he did big obvious things like a load of washing or mowing the lawn, but he would never think that a bathroom would need regular cleaning, a floor mopping, or a house dusting. He doesn't think of actual cleaning at all!

I’d agree with this.

Are you genuinely questioning if it’s fair? 😂