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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has suggested division of childcare/housework unfair...

456 replies

ooooopsididit · 23/02/2022 14:01

Just that really!

DH works full time, from home until recently, but is now back in the office two days per week.

I am a SAHM of two nursery age children.

Both children are at nursery four half days and one full day per week.

DH and I split the morning get up and ready routine, and bedtime routines between us.

The housework is also split about 50/50, although I do more cooking and all laundry.

I also do all lunchtime pickups of DC.

For the complete picture I do have a little cleaning job of about four hours a week, but I could give that up if I wanted the extra time back.

I thought this was fine but DH his just said he thinks it's a bit unfair... I suspect he may be right.

AIBU to expect this to be fine
YABU to split this way as he works full time

OP posts:
nearlyspringyay · 23/02/2022 14:15

No it's not fair! You've got two and a half days 'off' a week, why she he do 50/50 working ft?

Chloemol · 23/02/2022 14:15

No it’s not fair. Look at it this way

He works say 7 hours a day so 35 hours per week. You work 4 plus say 4 afternoons a week looking after kids, say 4hours each day so 20/hours. (Excluding travel time which could be added)

So he already works far more hours than you, you get at least 3 mornings and one full day to do whatever so yes you need to pick up more

givemushypeasachance · 23/02/2022 14:18

When you're both around it's fair to both contribute to the jobs that need doing. As other posters have asked, what jobs are you doing when you're home and children are at nursery - is that when you're doing laundry and cooking? Other house related chores? Or is some of it 'free time'.

Generally it seems fair that your DH is working outside the house or at home across five days, you're working with caring for the the children 3.5 days, you're both around evenings and weekends and sharing things then. There's approx 1.5 days in there when you're home and don't have the kids, presumably some of that is doing housework. If you take some as free time, and why not, then your DH would be fairly 'entitled' to an equal amount of free time at some point too.

MsMeNz · 23/02/2022 14:18

it is unfair to him.

If he works 8 horus a day then you hsould do 8 hours of around the hosue stuff. - in that time you should be able to do everything that needs doing with time to spare surely?

Original poster
ooooopsididit · 23/02/2022 14:19

Just to be clear I get one full day and one half day to myself.

The rest of the time I have at least one child with me.

But yes I am getting significantly more time to myself than DH. I'm actually glad he pointed it out because I thinks I'd just gotten used to our setup.

OP posts:
fairylightsandwaxmelts · 23/02/2022 14:20

YABU, it's very unfair.

You have way more free time than he does but still expect him to do 50% of the housework? On what planet is that fair?

toomuchlaundry · 23/02/2022 14:22

If you do all laundry and most of the cooking what does he expect you to do more of?

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 23/02/2022 14:22

I think you should be doing pretty much all the house work

JustLyra · 23/02/2022 14:23

If there's no backstory and you genuinely get that time to yourself and you're not run ragged then it's very likely unfair.

If there's a backstory then it could be different. I get a day to myself that DH doesn't get and we split things 50/50 (in fact he often does more), but in our case that is fair as that day is when our youngest is in respite and the rest of the time when I'm SAHM'ing it's vastly more work than his job because of her needs, for example.

Redwinestillfine · 23/02/2022 14:23

I think if you did all the housework on weekdays and half oweekends that would make it fairer.

FairyCakeWings · 23/02/2022 14:24

It doesn’t seem fair to me. He is contributing significantly more overall than you are.

FrustratedTeddyLamp · 23/02/2022 14:24

I know MN doesn't work like this but this is where I wish OPs could atleast petition to close threads, not delete but end.

I mean she asked for advice and has gotten it and seen she is BU but there will be loads more replies now and it'll seem like a pile on

SugarAndCoffee · 23/02/2022 14:26

Split it according to free time.

SugarAndCoffee · 23/02/2022 14:27

@ooooopsididit

Just to be clear I get one full day and one half day to myself.

The rest of the time I have at least one child with me.

But yes I am getting significantly more time to myself than DH. I'm actually glad he pointed it out because I thinks I'd just gotten used to our setup.

What do you do with that time?
girlmom21 · 23/02/2022 14:27

@FrustratedTeddyLamp

I know MN doesn't work like this but this is where I wish OPs could atleast petition to close threads, not delete but end.

I mean she asked for advice and has gotten it and seen she is BU but there will be loads more replies now and it'll seem like a pile on

You can just unwatch a thread if you don't want to see updates
Waxonwaxoff0 · 23/02/2022 14:28

I think you should be doing most of the housework really.

Mulhollandmagoo · 23/02/2022 14:28

I would expect the stay at home parent to pick up slightly more of the housework in the position whereby your children go to nursery, of you had very young children who were at home all the time then that is different. Anything related to the kids should be fairly equal, bath and bed times and getting up in the morning, but you should be picking up a larger portion of the household chores.

SugarAndCoffee · 23/02/2022 14:29

I don't think DH should get out of doing the housework completely mind.

nanbread · 23/02/2022 14:30

I think it depends what you do with that time tbh.

If you're eg food shopping, buying things the DC's need, meal planning, sorting out family life admin, then that should be taken into account too.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 23/02/2022 14:30

@FrustratedTeddyLamp

I know MN doesn't work like this but this is where I wish OPs could atleast petition to close threads, not delete but end.

I mean she asked for advice and has gotten it and seen she is BU but there will be loads more replies now and it'll seem like a pile on

OP can hide the thread if she doesn't want to keep reading.
Kanaloa · 23/02/2022 14:32

No it isn’t a fair split, which I’m sure you can see.

Would it be worth you picking up extra paid work/putting the children into nursery at the same time? Then you can continue with 50/50 household split and both be working. But yeah if you’re staying at home with both kids in childcare you obviously should be doing most of the household stuff.

Hillarious · 23/02/2022 14:33

Regardless of how much work anyone is doing anywhere else, I'd want to share morning and bedtime routines, as that's all part of spending time with your children. If that's too much to ask, you could always get a nanny.

saleorbouy · 23/02/2022 14:33

You split home life 50/50 but work life 4hrs/40hrs.
No it doesn't seem fair, you have alot of free time during the day which he doesn't.
If you're a SAHM then surely the you should be doing more of the home running in you child free time.

DailyMailHater · 23/02/2022 14:34

When I was a SAHM and DH worked in terms of housework I did nearly all of it, he would cook 1-2 times a week. He would still do stuff with our DS ie getting him ready 1 day a week and bath / bed a few times a week as he likes to be involved / hands on.
Would never have expected a 50/50 spilt if he was working and I was home. We both work full time now and it is all split 50/50

Mamamamasaurus · 23/02/2022 14:34

No, it's not fair. As a SAHM (I've been one) you're getting more downtime than DH but he's still doing 50%. I'd expect you to pick up the bulk of general housework etc as he's working FT, regardless of where