DH has suggested division of childcare/housework unfair...

[ooooopsididit]

Just that really!

DH works full time, from home until recently, but is now back in the office two days per week.

I am a SAHM of two nursery age children.

Both children are at nursery four half days and one full day per week.

DH and I split the morning get up and ready routine, and bedtime routines between us.

The housework is also split about 50/50, although I do more cooking and all laundry.

I also do all lunchtime pickups of DC.

For the complete picture I do have a little cleaning job of about four hours a week, but I could give that up if I wanted the extra time back.

I thought this was fine but DH his just said he thinks it's a bit unfair... I suspect he may be right.

AIBU to expect this to be fine
YABU to split this way as he works full time

@Butteryflakycrust83

Lots of martyrs on this thread.....

Not martyrs, just people with a sense of fairness. Or are men not entitled to that?

I think it’s good that he takes on a good share. It’s his home and his children as well!

Do you intend to stay as a SAHP? If your planning to go back to work the transition hopefully will be easier as he already

We both work but because my husband and childrens Dad has always done his fair share (sometimes with a gentle shove, when I was on maternity leave etc) it means he has to think when someone puts an early work meeting in how are the kids getting to school etc

Yes I probably take a lot on around mental load but housework and child drop/pick etc are shared. Even though he is quite senior earns alot more than me! We decided to both have children and own a home so we both need to make that work fairly.

When I worked in an office I didn't have someone asking me to wipe their bottom etc. I could make myself a drink or eat lunch without interruption

Ha I've definitely wiped more than one hypothetical bottom in the office and don't think I've made a drink or ate lunch without interruption for the last 4 years at least!

At least the baby and toddler have a nap in our house.

If you're past the nap stage I'm sorry but I'd be going back full time because no naps is not fun

I'm not sure your DH is correct to say he's doing too much, even though he is quick to say he is so soon after returning to office based work.

You're doing all the laundry and most of the cooking. How much meal planning and thinking about grocery shopping and ordering or shopping are you doing? Who washes up?

Could you write out a list of what he does now vs what you do now? Include mental work/ planning/ keeping track/ organisation.

What also makes me laugh is that people speak of it as if it is something they are doing for someone else, that it is this burden that they are saddled with. It is literally your own life that you are administrating for, or that of your own household. So just get on with it or simplify your life so there's less of it! I literally don't get it.

Particularly as so much can be done online now so you don't need to trek to the bank/building society/post office or even the supermarket (on line shopping in lockdown has been a revelation and I'll never be hauling home heavy bags of shopping again.)

@ooooopsididit

I'm asking if it's a fair division of housework and childcare between us, as he works full time and I'm a SAHM but we split everything 50/50.

He seems to think not. I hadn't really thought about it until he pointed it out.

Of course it’s not fair. You have both children in nursery for a total of 3 days per week. Housework etc should mostly be done in that time.

Your husband should cook etc a couple of times a week, and contribute to household life. But a 50:50 split is taking the piss somewhat. I wouldn’t be happy if I were him, working full time and splitting everything else.

@ancientgran my kids are teenagers now. our nursery was 20 minutes walk, nowhere closer. the mornings are only 2.5 hours?? so 2 hours a day to herself roughly. is probably what her husband spends per day on lunch/breaks/chats in the work kitchen etc. of course 50/50 is a fair division. it be interested to hear what he is proposing, that she do it all? as well as taking care of 2 kids?

@girlmom21 no. More. Naps. 😩😩😩😩

Staggeringly unfair. If I worked full time (whether it’s from home is irrelevant) and supported the family single handedly and also did half of all the housework I would be filing for divorce or expecting you to also get a job. Perhaps he is doing the housework himself because you’re not and he likes a clean house? If you have all that time to yourself while he is at work you should absolutely be doing all the cleaning etc.

I’m astounded you have to ask.

And yes, as you say he does live there and make mess - but he also works full time to pay for all the household bills and if you don’t do the domestic stuff, what is your contribution exactly? You also live there but you don’t pay the mortgage so your argument isn’t exactly watertight….

Childcare is of course the priority for a SAHM over housework but your kids spend a significant amount of time at nursery. ‘Making appointments’ for them can’t constitute more than a few minutes a week so I really think you’re being hugely unreasonable with all that time to yourself and still having your husband do half the domestic labour. I’m not at all surprised your husband is unhappy. Just surprised it’s taken this long for you to realise!

It's not fair. You should do more.

I think the childcare is fine as that daddy time benefits the kids as much as it does you. You definitely need to be doing more of the housework, though. Not all of it but 50:50 is very unfair.

[quote ooooopsididit]@VirginMedium thank you!

Having been a SAHM and a full time employee in an office, I know what I've found more demanding.

When I worked in an office I didn't have someone asking me to wipe their bottom etc. I could make myself a drink or eat lunch without interruption
[/quote]
I suppose it depends, not everyone works in an office and some people do wipe bottoms at work.

I always managed to make a drink and eat lunch when my kids were younger even if they weren't at nursery, maybe you could have a drink and something to eat while they are at nursery.

[quote VirginMedium]@ancientgran my kids are teenagers now. our nursery was 20 minutes walk, nowhere closer. the mornings are only 2.5 hours?? so 2 hours a day to herself roughly. is probably what her husband spends per day on lunch/breaks/chats in the work kitchen etc. of course 50/50 is a fair division. it be interested to hear what he is proposing, that she do it all? as well as taking care of 2 kids?[/quote]
Are you actually serious? You think people who work full time spent two hours a day chatting with colleagues and that equates to ‘me time’?!

And she doesn’t take care of two kids all the time he’s at work. They’re in nursery for a significant chunk of time!

@mathanxiety, I missed that she does all the laundry...that's enough. AND most of the cooking. what is he actually objecting to doing then??

[quote ooooopsididit]@girlmom21 no. More. Naps. 😩😩😩😩[/quote]
Oh give up. Put them in full time nursery and go back to the office for your own sanity😭

@mathanxiety

I'm not sure your DH is correct to say he's doing too much, even though he is quick to say he is so soon after returning to office based work.

You're doing all the laundry and most of the cooking. How much meal planning and thinking about grocery shopping and ordering or shopping are you doing? Who washes up?

Could you write out a list of what he does now vs what you do now? Include mental work/ planning/ keeping track/ organisation.

Thinking about grocery shopping, I've heard it all now.

[quote VirginMedium]@mathanxiety, I missed that she does all the laundry...that's enough. AND most of the cooking. what is he actually objecting to doing then??[/quote]
Working full time and paying all the bills while doing 50% of the domestic labour, while his wife does the other 50% and has significant chunks of every day to herself while their kids are in nursery - per chance?!

That is what I want to know too, @VirginMedium.

I wonder if this is a case of Me Too Big And Important For Hoovering Now That I Wear A Suit- itis

@TrufflesAndToast I am a SP and I work full-time. its not ideal me time, but it's more me time than she is getting if you are telling her to do all the housework whilst kids are in nursery. they ARENT in nursery a significant amount of time when you consider the time it takes her to walk to and from the nursery

[quote VirginMedium]@ancientgran my kids are teenagers now. our nursery was 20 minutes walk, nowhere closer. the mornings are only 2.5 hours?? so 2 hours a day to herself roughly. is probably what her husband spends per day on lunch/breaks/chats in the work kitchen etc. of course 50/50 is a fair division. it be interested to hear what he is proposing, that she do it all? as well as taking care of 2 kids?[/quote]
Nursery sessions are typically 3 hours.
And I don't know what offices you worked in. If I get 20 minutes a day, I consider myself lucky. Who is this employer who pays employees to chat for 2 hours a day?

Man I get so annoyed at parents putting kids in childcare and then sitting at home doing nothing. I guess they are over 3 and getting funding? I don't understand why all kids get funding at 3 regardless of what parents are doing when that money could be better spent funding younger babies who's parents need to work.

[quote VirginMedium]@TrufflesAndToast I am a SP and I work full-time. its not ideal me time, but it's more me time than she is getting if you are telling her to do all the housework whilst kids are in nursery. they ARENT in nursery a significant amount of time when you consider the time it takes her to walk to and from the nursery[/quote]
Well by your logic if chatting to colleagues in the office is ‘me time’ then absolutely so is walking home from dropping the kids off at nursery!

If her husband spends all day working then why shouldn’t she? He gets his down time in the evenings, so does she! Why should she get chunks of every day to do what she wants with while he doesn’t because he’s at work all day? Your logic is bizarre!

You are sAHM with full day and some mornings child free
If I were in your shoes I’d be doing all the housework
Great that he is doing way more but yes he has a point it’s unfair on him
Should only be 50:50 if your both work same hours

@mathanxiety

That is what I want to know too, *@VirginMedium*.

I wonder if this is a case of Me Too Big And Important For Hoovering Now That I Wear A Suit- itis

I assume it's more that he shouldn't need to do a full clean on the bathroom or kitchen rather than him not wanting to run the hoover round

@TrufflesAndToast, one of the really interesting things about lockdown and wfh, according to 90 percent of my friends who worked from home, was the amount of work they managed to get done daily when they didn't have colleagues around them all the time to gab with.

You would be surprised how all the chit chat adds up and how much inefficiency is built into the office workday.