DH has suggested division of childcare/housework unfair...

[ooooopsididit]

Just that really!

DH works full time, from home until recently, but is now back in the office two days per week.

I am a SAHM of two nursery age children.

Both children are at nursery four half days and one full day per week.

DH and I split the morning get up and ready routine, and bedtime routines between us.

The housework is also split about 50/50, although I do more cooking and all laundry.

I also do all lunchtime pickups of DC.

For the complete picture I do have a little cleaning job of about four hours a week, but I could give that up if I wanted the extra time back.

I thought this was fine but DH his just said he thinks it's a bit unfair... I suspect he may be right.

AIBU to expect this to be fine
YABU to split this way as he works full time

@FrustratedTeddyLamp

Am I doing laundry wrong? Like I'm not saying it doesn't build up and many loads etc but apart from loading it and then putting it somewhere to dry it's not a strenuous job like you're actively doing the washing for 30-60 minutes or whatever whilst the machine is actually cleaning the washing.

It's the life admin one that gets me. I'm dreading the day when this life admin that seems to take hours every week catches up with me. I am a single mum of two with a three bedroomed house, a job, a dog and a car and I spend literally minutes per week on the kind of things I assume people are talking about. The expression, work fills the time alloted springs to mind!

I am a SAHM of two nursery age children.

Both children are at nursery four half days and one full day per week.

You should absolutely be doing 90% of the childcare and housework etc.
I’m quite surprised you even have to ask tbh.
Most SAHP do this without their LOs being in nursery.

You have definitely got it a lot better than your DH.

Does your DH earn good money?
Would it be possible for you both to work but both work PT?

Then you can share everything 50/50 and neither of you will feel it’s unfair but still have a FT wage.

@ooooopsididit

I think it's worked out this way as while DH is working 40hours per week Monday-Friday...I'm looking after our children for around the same amount of hours Monday-Friday, even with them being in nursery some of the time.

When they were both at home in lockdown I'd be with them all week for 12 hours per day. That's 60 hours per week not including the weekends.

I think it's sort of grown in to the current arrangement after that.

Add on top,of that that DH actively wants to help with the housework and it's all a bit confusing unless someone says that feel it's not split fairly.

So are you saying he does nothing with the children after his 8 hr day? That doesn't fit with you both doing morning and bedtime routines. So he's working 8 hrs a day plus 50% housework and some childcare. You are doing the same morning and bedtime routine plus 50% housework and have 4 half days and 1 full day a week to do shopping and cooking?

No it doesn't sound fair to me.

@ooooopsididit

If DH didn't help with the mornings and evening routine the kids would never see him, apart from on the weekends.

I don't think working full time is cause to remove all parental involvement.

I also think that while I could do more around the house, he lives here too and makes mess, eats food, wears clothes. Why shouldn't he do some of the housework.

He's the one who offers to clean the bathroom! I'm happy to do it myself, but I'm hardly going to stop him when he's happily heading off with the Cif in hand.

Especially when hes working from home and making extra mess! And tbh one of the benefits weve found while WFH is we can spend some time during the day doing chores. It was like that when I was on maternity and DH was WFH.

@ooooopsididit

If DH didn't help with the mornings and evening routine the kids would never see him, apart from on the weekends.

I don't think working full time is cause to remove all parental involvement.

I also think that while I could do more around the house, he lives here too and makes mess, eats food, wears clothes. Why shouldn't he do some of the housework.

He's the one who offers to clean the bathroom! I'm happy to do it myself, but I'm hardly going to stop him when he's happily heading off with the Cif in hand.

But he isn't happily doing it is he if he's saying it isn't fair.

@ancientgran he does help after his work day which is sometimes what I feels is overlooked.

I have 1.5 days per week without the children when I get stuff done for the house and for myself.

I think the SAHM should be doing the vast majority especially when the kids are in nursery.

I wouldn't be happy if I was your DH. What are you doing on your full day off?

It's the life admin one that gets me. I'm dreading the day when this life admin that seems to take hours every week catches up with me. I am a single mum of two with a three bedroomed house, a job, a dog and a car and I spend literally minutes per week on the kind of things I assume people are talking about. The expression, work fills the time alloted springs to mind!

This made me laugh, I'm nearly 70 and it has caught up with me yet. To be honest I'd never even heard of it until I started reading MN. It has always mystified me.

On the surface it seems a bit unfair, but presumably in the school holidays (13 weeks per year ish) you have sole care? And on the days you have anyone old enough not to have a nap you don't have a break?
So although you shouldn't be doing only 50%, I would say 100% isn't fair either and he should do more in the holidays.
Do you have any plans to fo back to work?

@ancientgran but this is just it, he's been offering to do it, and more!

And has now said he feels it's unfairly split. The. Just stop doing it's so I can

[quote ooooopsididit]@ancientgran he does help after his work day which is sometimes what I feels is overlooked.

I have 1.5 days per week without the children when I get stuff done for the house and for myself.
[/quote]
Who is overlooking it?

also think that while I could do more around the house, he lives here too and makes mess, eats food, wears clothes. Why shouldn't he do some of the housework

He could also say the same about the money he earns.

Yes it's unfair.
I'd prioritise getting household chores done while both children are in nursery and preparing tea.

I also find it unfair he's getting himself and two children ready for the day while you stay in bed.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. half days in nursery are deceiving. by the time you are home, you have to set off again to collect them. don't forget whilst he is at work, he gets to have lunch and coffee breaks with friends/on his own

i work 3.5 days a week - husband works full time

I basically do all nursery drop off and pick ups and all the house work/laundry

He does all the cooking & 50/50 bath bed / getting baby up in the morning.

If i stayed home all the time id probably do more.

[quote ooooopsididit]@ancientgran but this is just it, he's been offering to do it, and more!

And has now said he feels it's unfairly split. The. Just stop doing it's so I can [/quote]
Well maybe if you've been home all day with the kids at nursery he's a bit confused that it hasn't been done.

My DH used to work alternate 6/4 day weeks, so every other week he'd be off on a Friday and I'd get home from work and the washing would be done, kitchen/bathroom cleaned, house vacuumed/dusted etc. We would then have a nice weekend with a clean house and nothing much to do, the next week he'd be working Saturday so I'd do the house and we had a nice Sunday. A day with the children at nursery you could do the house from top to bottom and then have some quality time as a family.

I don't think he is actually doing 50% but if he wants to do less, and you are happy to do more, then there isn't a problem 🤷🏻‍♀️

Lots of martyrs on this thread.....

Why are you spitting housework 50/50 when you are a sahm with children attending nursery? You have 3 days worth of childcare, even if you take your 4 hours work into consideration that's still 2.5 days. What are you doing for 2.5 days? Surely that's your time to get on with house stuff? You can't expect the person who is working full time to come home and start cleaning when you've had childcare for part or all of the day? I'm all for sharing the load, my husband and I both work full time so it's 50/50 with house jobs and childcare. When I was on mat leave I did more cleaning and did all nursery/school pickups.

We should all copy this man - see something unfair and speak up.

OP, I think the parenting should be split 50-50 but for the time being you should look at the chores and squeeze in some more yourself.

However, I think you should be looking to your own future job prospects and maybe get another cleaning client if cleaning is something you feel you could do when the kids are in school.

If you'd prefer something else, then start now to prepare yourself - get a qualification, get a part time job if possible in the area you would like to move into full time, if that's on your radar.

@VirginMedium

I don't think you are being unreasonable. half days in nursery are deceiving. by the time you are home, you have to set off again to collect them. don't forget whilst he is at work, he gets to have lunch and coffee breaks with friends/on his own

You need a closer nursery.

@ancientgran

It's the life admin one that gets me. I'm dreading the day when this life admin that seems to take hours every week catches up with me. I am a single mum of two with a three bedroomed house, a job, a dog and a car and I spend literally minutes per week on the kind of things I assume people are talking about. The expression, work fills the time alloted springs to mind!

This made me laugh, I'm nearly 70 and it has caught up with me yet. To be honest I'd never even heard of it until I started reading MN. It has always mystified me.

What also makes me laugh is that people speak of it as if it is something they are doing for someone else, that it is this burden that they are saddled with. It is literally your own life that you are administrating for, or that of your own household. So just get on with it or simplify your life so there's less of it! I literally don't get it.

@Butteryflakycrust83

Lots of martyrs on this thread.....

No lots of people who like some nice quality family time with their husband and kids with the housework done while husband and kids are at work/nursery.

@VirginMedium thank you!

Having been a SAHM and a full time employee in an office, I know what I've found more demanding.

When I worked in an office I didn't have someone asking me to wipe their bottom etc. I could make myself a drink or eat lunch without interruption