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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find visiting my inlaws such a waste of time

336 replies

littlepieces · 23/02/2022 10:47

I find going to my inlaws such a chore. DP always wants to go for the whole weekend when we go (Friday night to late Sunday night). He's really close with his family and their idea of spending time together is sitting on the sofa for three days watching football/F1/tennis or whatever sport is on. I just have to sit there going along with it, bored out of my mind, when I've got x100 other things I could be doing and would rather be doing. I'd also quite like a rest. His parents aren't the worst people, but not particularly enjoyable company either. MIL is hard work to talk to. She doesn't have any interests apart from TV, how great she is, and gossiping judgementally about her 'friends' and people she knows. I find it so draining, AIBU?

My parents live a couple of hours away but I'd never take DP to stay because everyone would get on top of each other and I appreciate DP wants to enjoy some of his weekend.

I know I only have to grin and bear this once every few months, but I really resent it and always come home feeling weirdly exhausted from doing nothing, and irritable with DP. Any advice on getting through these weekends better?

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 23/02/2022 10:49

Why don't you just tell him you're not going and explain why?

Alternatively arrange going out for lunch/visiting local attractions etc.

Xyzzzzz · 23/02/2022 10:49

Don’t go?

CruCru · 23/02/2022 10:51

How far away are they? I can understand getting fed if if it uses up the whole weekend.

TheSnowyOwl · 23/02/2022 10:53

Don’t go or at least not as frequently as your DH does. If he isn’t happy about this, insist he does join you to spend an equal amount of time with your parents. I’m sure he will soon come round.

TooWicked · 23/02/2022 10:53

Only join them every other time. Tell your DP you want some time to do your own thing, and he can have quality time alone with his parents.

Babyvenusplant · 23/02/2022 10:54

A day visit is surely enough? Why one earth does it need to be the whole weekend

I'd just tell him I'd come every other time, let him go alone in between

postpartumagony · 23/02/2022 10:56

If my PIL just wanted to sit on the sofa watching sport, I'd make sure I took a couple of good books and get through those. Does your DP spend weekends doing that at home? If not, is it perhaps something he enjoys every once in a while? Thank

pitterpatterrain · 23/02/2022 10:57

Why go? My DH often takes the Dc to his parents without me and the same when I take DC to my DF

Means we get a break also as we have no close family to give us time off

Briony123 · 23/02/2022 10:57

Just make a plan to do something else. They won't mind you not going.

Brefugee · 23/02/2022 10:58

Just don't go then. If your DH is close to his parents it is good and right that he visits them for a whole weekend. If you don't like it, just don't go.

MouseyMoose · 23/02/2022 10:59

I honestly could have written your post OP! My DP's family are exactly the same, they only live an hour away though so we tend to just go for the day instead (although we are staying there overnight this weekend which I am already dreading!).

The worst thing is MIL makes us feel guilty for not going more often but when we do go, within 5 minutes of arriving she will disappear for two hours to get her hair done or go to the hairdressers, it baffles me.

Blossomtoes · 23/02/2022 10:59

I think you’re being unreasonable given that it’s once every few months. With such low frequency and going for the weekend they must live a fair distance from you.

ShanghaiDiva · 23/02/2022 10:59

I would do something else while they are all watching tv...shopping/museum visit/out for a walk...
Alternatively not join him on every trip.

Polyanthus2 · 23/02/2022 11:00

Did you say it's understandable he doesn't want to spend weekends with your DPs but you feel you should happily spend a whole weekend in front of the tv with his.

ChargingBuck · 23/02/2022 11:00

Any advice on getting through these weekends better?
Yes. Don't go.
Or just go every other time. The weekend you described would bore me to sobs, so I'd mainly leave DH to it.

I know I only have to grin and bear this once every few months,
You don't.

but I really resent it and always come home feeling weirdly exhausted from doing nothing, and irritable with DP.
I'm not surprised.
Because this whole family-visiting thing is weirdly non-reciprocal:
My parents live a couple of hours away but I'd never take DP to stay because everyone would get on top of each other and I appreciate DP wants to enjoy some of his weekend.
How come it's sauce for the gander, but not for the goose?
Why do you feel you have to attend these weekend-long snore-fests, but he doesn't have to come to visit your folks?
How has it come about that you want him to "enjoy some of his weekend", but that same courtesy is not extended to you?

Original poster

littlepieces · 23/02/2022 11:01

Inlaws hate going anywhere unless it's to their friend's houses. The whole family has a kind of eat to live mentality, they see food as fuel only and eat the same meals every day. They see eating out as a frivolous waste of money so that's never an option.

DP is there to spend time with his parents who he seems to just enjoy sitting with doing nothing. I dont want to drag him away if that's what he considers quality family time? In the summer we do sometimes get out for walks.

OP posts:

EmmaH2022 · 23/02/2022 11:01

The answer is, you don't go.

LizzieSiddal · 23/02/2022 11:02

Agree with others, only go every other time.
We never have to stay with my PIL as they live about an hour away but the day I realised I do not HAVE to go with DH to visit them, was a very happy one for me! Let them get on with their weekend, you stay at home and get on with what you want/need to do.

RandomMess · 23/02/2022 11:02

Why don't you visit your parents whilst he visits his, or invite your parents to yours whilst he visits his?

ChargingBuck · 23/02/2022 11:02

@MouseyMoose

It baffles me why you don't just opt out. Is DP incapable of going on his own?

LizzieSiddal · 23/02/2022 11:03

And should add, if dh doesn’t understand why you’re ant to stay at home, tell him if he wants spend the weekend with your parents every other weekend, for years in end.

WomanStanleyWoman · 23/02/2022 11:05

Just cut down on how often you join him. You don’t have to go everywhere together. Couldn’t you visit your parents while he visits his?

JenniferBarkley · 23/02/2022 11:06

It's a few weekends a year. I'd be so hurt if DH spoke that way about my family. I opened the thread expecting to find in-laws who are mean or antagonise small children or something, not just a boring weekend with people whose company you wouldn't choose.

This really doesn't seem too big an ask. Just bring a few books or some work or whatever and curl up on the sofa.

Crucible · 23/02/2022 11:06

Go every other time for one night only and make an effort to talk them. Have a good solid reason to leave though.

Original poster

littlepieces · 23/02/2022 11:06

He actually goes to stay more often and I opt out a lot! He really wants me to go and his parents are always asking why I'm not there when he goes without me. They're a generation who think couples should be joined at the hip and if you're not, something is wrong.

OP posts:

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