To find visiting my inlaws such a waste of time

[littlepieces]

I find going to my inlaws such a chore. DP always wants to go for the whole weekend when we go (Friday night to late Sunday night). He's really close with his family and their idea of spending time together is sitting on the sofa for three days watching football/F1/tennis or whatever sport is on. I just have to sit there going along with it, bored out of my mind, when I've got x100 other things I could be doing and would rather be doing. I'd also quite like a rest. His parents aren't the worst people, but not particularly enjoyable company either. MIL is hard work to talk to. She doesn't have any interests apart from TV, how great she is, and gossiping judgementally about her 'friends' and people she knows. I find it so draining, AIBU?

My parents live a couple of hours away but I'd never take DP to stay because everyone would get on top of each other and I appreciate DP wants to enjoy some of his weekend.

I know I only have to grin and bear this once every few months, but I really resent it and always come home feeling weirdly exhausted from doing nothing, and irritable with DP. Any advice on getting through these weekends better?

So don’t go, when he goes to his parents you go to yours

I would love to hear the poor pils side of this.

Maybe something like 'we love our ds but his dp is very snooty and hardwork. We don't go out much and are fairly boring, we just enjoy being together but she huffs and sulks and makes the whole weekend tense and awkward. How can we tell our son to please visit but leave her at home?'

Or similar .

Snap. Used to go to the in-laws and we would spend days watching TV in the dark (they had so many window coverings blocking the light) I used to sneak out as much as I could but would then be subjected to MILs passive aggressive comments and lectures about how brilliant it must be to visit them. Sometimes we also went to other relatives to sit and watch TV. I’m furious now at all the AL I wasted going there. They hated coming here as we would go out on day trips.
I didn’t go every time (which also caused issues). But it was me that generally organised the visits as DH is bad at planning. MILs behaviour towards me meant eventually I stopped making such an effort and we went less and less.

@JaniieJones

I would love to hear the poor pils side of this.

Maybe something like 'we love our ds but his dp is very snooty and hardwork. We don't go out much and are fairly boring, we just enjoy being together but she huffs and sulks and makes the whole weekend tense and awkward. How can we tell our son to please visit but leave her at home?'

Or similar .

Showing your fiction writing skills off again, I see.

@littlepieces

He actually goes to stay more often and I opt out a lot! He really wants me to go and his parents are always asking why I'm not there when he goes without me. They're a generation who think couples should be joined at the hip and if you're not, something is wrong.

And you don't think that. So do your own thing. Their outdated (and frankly, annoying) views don't matter.

No way would I go somewhere where all they wanted to do was sit and watch TV. I'd do my own thing, whatever the in-laws thought.

I'd either go to see my own parents or just entertain myself for the weekend.

@Bananawings

Op I think you are being a little harsh as it is a lot of work hosting an entire family. Maybe they sit down because they are tired from preparing for your visit?

Could you host them occasionally? And then you could get on with tasks while they watch TV?

You what now? So tired from "preparing" for a visit that needs no preparation, because all they offer by way of hosting is a sofa in front of the sports tv?

In your shoes I would escape for a bit, pop to town to change something in a shop, or urgently need to buy something from a nearby town etc get a nice coffee/lunch

your partner won’t see anything odd in the sitting watching tv because he was brought that way. It’s not wrong it’s just a different lifestyle to yours

20-something me was a lot MORE timid!

I know it's not a popular view on MN, but when I married DH his family became my family and vice versa. There are things about visiting each other's families that we find difficult, but we do it because that's what you do for family

I wouldn't visit my own family if all they wanted to do was sit and watch TV, either.

@JenniferBarkley

I know it's not a popular view on MN, but when I married DH his family became my family and vice versa. There are things about visiting each other's families that we find difficult, but we do it because that's what you do for family.

Again, I'm not talking about cases where someone is abusive or rude, just different personalities.

OP is already ducking out of most visits - going three or four times a year is very little really.

@JenniferBarkley I think the problem with this is that it often seems to apply much more in the woman's case than the man's. She goes to his family gatherings, he ducks out of hers. She's expected to suddenly start hosting and cooking for his family but not vice versa, she's supposed to remember birthdays and send cards and plan Christmas and who knows what else.

I agree with you to some extent, but I think family is still seen as a womanly business!

@JenniferBarkley

I know it's not a popular view on MN, but when I married DH his family became my family and vice versa. There are things about visiting each other's families that we find difficult, but we do it because that's what you do for family.

Again, I'm not talking about cases where someone is abusive or rude, just different personalities.

OP is already ducking out of most visits - going three or four times a year is very little really.

That's nice Jennifer.

OP isn't married though, Nor do they even have DC together.
Why should she go & be bored to tears by wall-to-wall sports tv, no conversation & no activities?

@TooWicked

Only join them every other time. Tell your DP you want some time to do your own thing, and he can have quality time alone with his parents.

This!

MIL says she wants us there for the whole weekend. We did have to leave on Saturday once and despite hardly saying a word to us all day she asked us if we really needed to go and suggested maybe we could stay another night and leave early in the morning. Makes no sense.

Is there anything in the local area you would be interested in doing? You could just announce that you are going to local national trust place tomorrow if anyone wants to join you... then go!

I would never get married again (or enter into another relationship) If DH died/we split up. Could NOT be arsed with someone else's family!

My understanding is that this only happens three or four times a year? If so, I’d just suck it up, tbh. Take a book and read it while they stare at the telly in silence (there’s no need to retreat to the bedroom).

I'd find this dull but put up with it every so often OP.

What I would really be worried about is that your DP thinks it's a fine way to live. People do tend to turn out like their parents when they're older...

Agree with @ChargingBuck @JenniferBarkley sounds like a handmaiden.

Janie Jones you forgot * Huff's And puff's she ruins our TV viewings.

Op it sounds miserable

Personally for kind people who tried their best I could sit through day's of TV, eat sausages And sausage roll's I'm not precious!

If they made some small efforts with me I'd do anything within reason.
But.

They don't.

I'm a fidgety person who is precious about their free time. The sound of sport on TV is like nails on a blackboard. The idea of a whole weekend of being trapped watching sport makes me want to cry.

If I HAD to do this I would go for a long walk or run by myself in the morning in the hope that I could then be knackered enough to enjoy an afternoon trapped on the sofa, maybe dozing off to make the time go faster.

Have you ever said to DH "I hate sitting on the sofa watching sport"?

but they like to have their specific evening sausage based dinners

I put YANBU as it sounds extremely boring. However for 3/4 weekends a year I think you could just grin and bear it, sorry.
Be grateful you don't have to see your MIL for hours every week (like me 😂🙄)

Could you get to know their local area and suggest a coffee shop, or going for a walk now spring is round the corner? You can mention x coffee shop, say you fancy trying it, and if they aren't interested, go anyway.

@littlepieces

Im extremely conscious that being a guest is hard work for the host and always do clearing up and help with any chores. Tbh MIL doesnt make a huge effort to host, she might kindly cook dinner one night, then we usually get a takeaway the next night, but it's usually a very basic freezer dinner, chips and sausages or sausage rolls and crisps or something. Those are the family meal staples. I have offered to cook several times but they like to have their specific evening sausage based dinners. Me and DP do a food shop en route and make our own food usually.

Oh well it sounds as though there is not much more you could be doing. I think JenniferBarkley has hit the nail on the head. They are probably "reverting" to family behaviour before your DH was married. And while that's fine to a degree, circumstances have changed, they need to be accommodating your needs too. It's really impolite and poor hosting to carry on as if you don't exist.

Is there anything near to where they live that you would find interesting?
So for instance, near my in-laws there is a massive shopping centre, and also a forest. So when we go, I take off for all or parts of the day to one of those two places, and then come back late afternoon, to have drinks, dinner and spend the evening with them.
Works well as I do something which I enjoy/is useful (I do most of the kids clothes shopping there), they seem quite happy that I enjoy their neck of the woods (I tell them I like the shopping / beautiful forest), and I am actually there part of the time, not all of the time!

My SIL claims that she is very tired and goes up to her room for vast swathes of the day to 'nap' (ie watch films on her laptop in her room).
But we are there for the 'critical moments'.

Bear I don't think it would be possible that I'd ever be dealt the kind of hand I have had to tolerate. however God forbid there would be a second time around I wouldn't waste all the time I have doing things I don't want too , hosting miserable people etc...