To find visiting my inlaws such a waste of time

[littlepieces]

I find going to my inlaws such a chore. DP always wants to go for the whole weekend when we go (Friday night to late Sunday night). He's really close with his family and their idea of spending time together is sitting on the sofa for three days watching football/F1/tennis or whatever sport is on. I just have to sit there going along with it, bored out of my mind, when I've got x100 other things I could be doing and would rather be doing. I'd also quite like a rest. His parents aren't the worst people, but not particularly enjoyable company either. MIL is hard work to talk to. She doesn't have any interests apart from TV, how great she is, and gossiping judgementally about her 'friends' and people she knows. I find it so draining, AIBU?

My parents live a couple of hours away but I'd never take DP to stay because everyone would get on top of each other and I appreciate DP wants to enjoy some of his weekend.

I know I only have to grin and bear this once every few months, but I really resent it and always come home feeling weirdly exhausted from doing nothing, and irritable with DP. Any advice on getting through these weekends better?

I'd agree if you had to go every other week or even every month, but, say, three or four times in the year is not too bad.
Why not take a good book, or your laptop? Watch Netflix while they watch what they like? Do you have hobbies? Can you take some to do there? Or start a new one that is easily portable?
If you enjoy cooking, can you offer to cook something nice?

@littlepieces

He actually goes to stay more often and I opt out a lot! He really wants me to go and his parents are always asking why I'm not there when he goes without me. They're a generation who think couples should be joined at the hip and if you're not, something is wrong.

So tell him exactly how boring and miserable it is. Even if he feels upset, he needs to know. He selfishly wants you to just sit there while he slips into their family mentality. I wouldn't do this for even one weekend.

@littlepieces

A main issue is that DP can't seem to understand why it's not a rest for me.

He doesn't need to understand. He just needs to accept that you are a grown adult with her own agency.

A main issue is that DP can't seem to understand why it's not a rest for me.

Have you talked properly about it?

Maybe you need to take him to your parents a few times too. Perhaps he will understand your point of view a little better.

@JenniferBarkley

It's a few weekends a year. I'd be so hurt if DH spoke that way about my family. I opened the thread expecting to find in-laws who are mean or antagonise small children or something, not just a boring weekend with people whose company you wouldn't choose.

This really doesn't seem too big an ask. Just bring a few books or some work or whatever and curl up on the sofa.

This!

I’m sorry but this is part of being married. I’m astonished at the number of people who refuse to do anything remotely boring/tedious when they know it’s something their partner really wants them to do and is important to them…once every few MONTHS!

If you don’t think it’s important for him to join you to visit your DP then that’s on you. If he thinks it’s important to have you there to visit his DP then that’s also a perfectly reasonable request. “Your parents are dull” is such a crappy excuse.

Yes take him to IKEA and mooch for hours or as pp said, Primark charging room for hours...

My Ex's family were like this. In the end I would say "Right, I am going to x, y or z, who wants to come?" and just go.

I agree with @JenniferBarkley and @MouseyMoose, if it's one weekend every few months surely you can just grit your teeth and get through it? I agree I'd be really upset if my DP would never come and visit my family.

I admit I sometimes find it boring visiting DP's family too...it's a long day and they tend to put DVDs on that I just have zero interest in, but it's his family and I'd never duck out completely. He does go more often than me though, like your DP.

This is where hosting skills also kick in.

No one should be expected at all to sit in silence watching telly for days.

Life is too short there is no way I'd expect my DC or DH to sit through hours of TV.

Join them on the Sunday for lunch, spend the afternoon there and come home with DP. All boxes ticked and they can eat their nosebags and watch all the TV they want the rest of the time. You will have obliged.

@crackofdoom This exactly. We don't have kids but honestly any suggestions are the wrong suggestions! You can't win.

@thecatsthecats Yeah this is just weird isn't it! When she knows we're coming, my MiL goes on and on for weeks about how she'll do dinner and she cant wait to see us. We often arrive, then sit and eat dinner in front of the football in SILENCE. And MIL just sits and scrolls through Facebook while at the table. Madness.

Ah. If you already opt out a lot then I think you probably do need to go the few remaining times. And just make the best of it. It's boring, but it's not that bad!

Geraldine, wouldn't it also upset you however that your dp have zero hosting skill's And can't think about people beyond themselves?

How far away are they? I do think that visiting is nice but it's a pity they won't do anything. What about taking the gap to mooch around their local shops for an afternoon? You could leave with a breezy, "ooh, looking forward to doing some shopping and picking up x, y, z" (and ask if they want to meet you for coffee, but I'm guessing the answer to that is no?).

Does Dh have friends in the area? Could you suggest meeting up with them for dinner one night or an activity?

As for the reading in the bedroom, I'd just do it. If they're all watching a sport you hate, a cherry, "You know how I feel about Formula 1 so I'm going to enjoy my book upstairs and will see you later." And off you go.

What kind of things do yo enjoy doing? If you're a big exercise/gym person - can you do that locally? Perhaps a gym that allows pay-as-you-go? Visit local museums or attractions by yourself?

It's weird And rude.

Don't listen to what others are saying.
People need to make even small concessions! they need to host...turn the TV off...agree to Go out, something!

'Inlaws hate going anywhere unless it's to their friend's houses. The whole family has a kind of eat to live mentality, they see food as fuel only and eat the same meals every day. They see eating out as a frivolous waste of money so that's never an option.'

You seem to have a very low opinion of them, I really hope you manage to hide it on these tiresome, tedious visits.

Can't you just be a nice person and tolerate their way of life for a weekend? pretend you are enjoying yourself for your dp's sake even if they are so very dull.

I'd go one in three visits.

I agree, PIL have zero hosting skills. I also think they just assume everyone is like them or should be like them? My favourite part of Sundays at theirs is when FIL religiously makes himself a cup of tea and a slice of cake at about 3pm and offers it to absolutely nobody else.

[quote littlepieces]@crackofdoom This exactly. We don't have kids but honestly any suggestions are the wrong suggestions! You can't win.

@thecatsthecats Yeah this is just weird isn't it! When she knows we're coming, my MiL goes on and on for weeks about how she'll do dinner and she cant wait to see us. We often arrive, then sit and eat dinner in front of the football in SILENCE. And MIL just sits and scrolls through Facebook while at the table. Madness.[/quote]
Oh she sounds so like my former PIL who would pressure and guilt exH and me into driving six hours to their house on a Friday night for the weekend and then apparently take no pleasure in our company or do anything in preparation for our visit. Dinner was usually a couple of oven heated pizzas (once two nights running!) There would be no interaction or interest at all, particularly in me who they saw simply as an extension of ExH rather than an actual person.

A lot of men expect their wife to be glued to their sides for family visits. I put at stop to that right at the front end of our marriage - "they're you're parents, not mine. Have a nice weekend and give them my love".

DH tried to convince me otherwise but no dice. His parents thought it was outrageous. Fortunately I couldn't give a flying fuck.

But I'm just getting petty now. I mainly just wondered if I was being miserable for not enjoying it as much as DP seems to.

Jannie.

Tolerating their ways of life is sitting their being ignored, no need s met, not spoken too and having too watch TV.

I always take my sewing when we go to MILs. When she has family staying they play a lot of board games and are uber competitive, which isn't my bag, so do my sewing or read a book. When she stays with us she will read book in the lounge if DC are playing on the Xbox (they don't do this all the time, but she lives a long way from us so has to stay for quite a few days, so she slots into normal family life) We do go out and do things as well

How often does your DH see them and how far away do they live?