To find visiting my inlaws such a waste of time

[littlepieces]

I find going to my inlaws such a chore. DP always wants to go for the whole weekend when we go (Friday night to late Sunday night). He's really close with his family and their idea of spending time together is sitting on the sofa for three days watching football/F1/tennis or whatever sport is on. I just have to sit there going along with it, bored out of my mind, when I've got x100 other things I could be doing and would rather be doing. I'd also quite like a rest. His parents aren't the worst people, but not particularly enjoyable company either. MIL is hard work to talk to. She doesn't have any interests apart from TV, how great she is, and gossiping judgementally about her 'friends' and people she knows. I find it so draining, AIBU?

My parents live a couple of hours away but I'd never take DP to stay because everyone would get on top of each other and I appreciate DP wants to enjoy some of his weekend.

I know I only have to grin and bear this once every few months, but I really resent it and always come home feeling weirdly exhausted from doing nothing, and irritable with DP. Any advice on getting through these weekends better?

But I would reiterate - stop sitting on the sofa and get out and about. If they don't want to come too, fine.

@littlepieces

I agree, PIL have zero hosting skills. I also think they just assume everyone is like them or should be like them? My favourite part of Sundays at theirs is when FIL religiously makes himself a cup of tea and a slice of cake at about 3pm and offers it to absolutely nobody else.

You’ve got a tongue in your head. If you want tea and cake ask for it.

Go every other time. If there is any spousal pressure then ask him when was the last time he spent a weekend in silence watching TV he doesn't like.

Go when there is a non-sporting event you want to watch on television, grab the TV remote on arrival then sit in silence, press pause if anyone in the room speaks, sigh then restart the TV. Enjoy.

@Tigersonvaseline

Geraldine, wouldn't it also upset you however that your dp have zero hosting skill's And can't think about people beyond themselves?

It would and I'd probably have a word with them about that or suggest plans myself to make it less painful for my DP, but also thy are still my family so I wouldn't expect my DP to opt out completely just because he found it boring.

As I said, spending my time with my in-laws isn't my first choice of a good time either but I do it because it's my DP's family and part of being together.

No your not being miserable

If they spoke to you and the convo was boring I'd be in the once in a blue 🌒 go!
But they ignore you!!

OMG I can think of very few things worse! This sends chills down my spine. When my DH's parents were alive (they died early to mid 1990's,) he ALWAYS insisted we go every fucking Sunday for lunch, and ended up staying til 7pm. Drove me mad. His parents were really racist, and his dad was a miserable curmudgeon.

Also, his brother who lived with them was a misogynistic pig, and if ever I snapped at DH, and talked back/defended myself, when I left the room he said 'I'd have fucking belted her round the head if she spoke to me like that.'

I dreaded every Sunday, and occasionally feigned illness to get out of it. 50-something me would say 'fuck off I'm not going' but 20-something me was a lot less timid.

It's a miracle that my DH is nothing like his parents or brother. He has misogynistic thoughts and actions occasionally, but all men do. YEP, I said it - ALL MEN. Even the 'good ones...' People can deny it but it's true. And he is not racist either. Not like his parents, and his brother.

But yeah you have my sympathy @littlepieces

Op I think you are being a little harsh as it is a lot of work hosting an entire family. Maybe they sit down because they are tired from preparing for your visit?

Could you host them occasionally? And then you could get on with tasks while they watch TV?

If it’s once every few months I’d just suck it up tbh.

I would say DH goes on his own and you join the next day as it’s nice for him to get some family time too but that would mean you either driving a second car or paying for a train ticket which seems a bit of a waste.

Oh sorry, I have just read that you don't have DC! Apologies!

It's a two way street.
Non of us who are physically able should expect anyone too come to our home and sit and be ignored with the TV on.

I adore TV, I have nothing against it!
I've often used it with guests but usually to provide entertainment to talk about.

No one should expect any one to enter and stay in a house where they are ignored.

Yes this. MIL calls DP all the time and always asks deaperately when he's coming next, and can we go to visit soon. But when we're there they don't seem interested at all and I often get the vibe they're a bit fed up with us after a day or so. What is this all about, I don't understand?!

Knitting?

Banana 🍌 prepare by pouring over the TV guide 🤣

If he doesn't understand then make him understand. Tell him it's bloody boring. Whip out a board game or a pack of cards.

Suggest a meal out on you and DP if it's affordable to save MIL from 'having to cook' if you need to!

Or find something local and interesting and say "this looks interesting. I've booked for us all to go tomorrow"

Force them to do something if they won't do it willingly!

'My favourite part of Sundays at theirs is when FIL religiously makes himself a cup of tea and a slice of cake at about 3pm and offers it to absolutely nobody else.'

So say oo I'll have some of that please! They maybe think you're dull and boring while you sit and seethe about everything they do or say.

I'm all for avoiding arseholes, difficult unpleasant people should not expect visits but your pils are harmless by the sounds of it. Just be nice.

No reason why you have to go. If they go out for walks in Summer then go for a weekend in the Summer and let DP go on his own to spend time with them.

Its your DP you need to address this with, not the iLs

I know it's not a popular view on MN, but when I married DH his family became my family and vice versa. There are things about visiting each other's families that we find difficult, but we do it because that's what you do for family.

Again, I'm not talking about cases where someone is abusive or rude, just different personalities.

OP is already ducking out of most visits - going three or four times a year is very little really.

@littlepieces

Yes this. MIL calls DP all the time and always asks deaperately when he's coming next, and can we go to visit soon. But when we're there they don't seem interested at all and I often get the vibe they're a bit fed up with us after a day or so. What is this all about, I don't understand?!

Well maybe they are? Maybe they would like shorter visits themselves?

You could just ask her?

Or visit's without op?

My favourite part of Sundays at theirs is when FIL religiously makes himself a cup of tea and a slice of cake at about 3pm and offers it to absolutely nobody else.

Oh this is awful. Say no more. Ignore my previous comment. Just go for half the weekend or half the time and take yourself out for a walk at some point.

They sound like my parents who I studiously avoid. I just wouldn’t go, sounds shit.

@littlepieces

Yes this. MIL calls DP all the time and always asks deaperately when he's coming next, and can we go to visit soon. But when we're there they don't seem interested at all and I often get the vibe they're a bit fed up with us after a day or so. What is this all about, I don't understand?!

They miss their son. They enjoy having him "back home". They don't view him (or by extension his wife) as a "visitor" and just enjoy settling into the old comfortable routine with him there.

It seems he also enjoys this, enjoys their company and engaging in a shared interest (watching sport).

After a couple of days, they're ready to have their house, bathroom etc back, which isn't an unusual sentiment.

It's a long few days for you since you don't share said interest, but not the end of the world.

Im extremely conscious that being a guest is hard work for the host and always do clearing up and help with any chores. Tbh MIL doesnt make a huge effort to host, she might kindly cook dinner one night, then we usually get a takeaway the next night, but it's usually a very basic freezer dinner, chips and sausages or sausage rolls and crisps or something. Those are the family meal staples. I have offered to cook several times but they like to have their specific evening sausage based dinners. Me and DP do a food shop en route and make our own food usually.

@JenniferBarkley

I know it's not a popular view on MN, but when I married DH his family became my family and vice versa. There are things about visiting each other's families that we find difficult, but we do it because that's what you do for family.

Again, I'm not talking about cases where someone is abusive or rude, just different personalities.

OP is already ducking out of most visits - going three or four times a year is very little really.

Its hardly an unpopular opinion on MN but its a two way process.

If one side makes the effort to visit then the other should make at least some effort to host, whichever way around that is.