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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find visiting my inlaws such a waste of time

336 replies

littlepieces · 23/02/2022 10:47

I find going to my inlaws such a chore. DP always wants to go for the whole weekend when we go (Friday night to late Sunday night). He's really close with his family and their idea of spending time together is sitting on the sofa for three days watching football/F1/tennis or whatever sport is on. I just have to sit there going along with it, bored out of my mind, when I've got x100 other things I could be doing and would rather be doing. I'd also quite like a rest. His parents aren't the worst people, but not particularly enjoyable company either. MIL is hard work to talk to. She doesn't have any interests apart from TV, how great she is, and gossiping judgementally about her 'friends' and people she knows. I find it so draining, AIBU?

My parents live a couple of hours away but I'd never take DP to stay because everyone would get on top of each other and I appreciate DP wants to enjoy some of his weekend.

I know I only have to grin and bear this once every few months, but I really resent it and always come home feeling weirdly exhausted from doing nothing, and irritable with DP. Any advice on getting through these weekends better?

OP posts:
Tigersonvaseline · 23/02/2022 11:08

Agree why go!!

Personally I would gently phase it out, so don't go next time, perhaps not the next but then go once more then no more!

It's so inhospitable to expect people to sit watching endless TV.
If the TV was sparking some kind of fabulous conversation or TV whilst playing games that's something!
I hated having to sit through EastEnders at mils.good conversation at dinner cut short to get to EastEnders???so bloody rude!!

Tigersonvaseline · 23/02/2022 11:09

Who cares what they think little.
I couldn't do it.

LizzieSiddal · 23/02/2022 11:09

Stop feeling bad about it, you’re an adult woman who’s allowed to spend the weekend as you please. Agree with DH you’ll go say 3 or 4 times a year and that’s an end to it. Life’s too short!

MouseyMoose · 23/02/2022 11:10

@ChargingBuck we tie it in with seeing SIL and our nieces which I enjoy so I couldn't really just go home by myself after that when PIL are only the next street over Grin

I've got used to going now and know that I just need to write off the day but was just letting OP know they aren't alone and I can understand how infuriating it is.

SugarAndCoffee · 23/02/2022 11:11

Go every other time? Or ask to go just one night

forrestgreen · 23/02/2022 11:12

I'd say you're happy to go 3 or 4 times a year if he's happy to do the same with yours. You know he'll be bored at your dp but he doesn't yet appreciate how you feel.

Associatepeggy · 23/02/2022 11:12

@littlepieces

He actually goes to stay more often and I opt out a lot! He really wants me to go and his parents are always asking why I'm not there when he goes without me. They're a generation who think couples should be joined at the hip and if you're not, something is wrong.
Does your dp never visit your family with you? Why not? Because he doesn't want to or because you don't want him to?

Honestly, a couple of times a year, I would just do it. The rest, he goes alone.

Bullandbush · 23/02/2022 11:12

Don't go.
My dil often doesn't visit with ds.
Doesn't bother me. She's lovely and we get on but as long as I see ds and dgs I'm happy.

MouseyMoose · 23/02/2022 11:13

@JenniferBarkley

It's a few weekends a year. I'd be so hurt if DH spoke that way about my family. I opened the thread expecting to find in-laws who are mean or antagonise small children or something, not just a boring weekend with people whose company you wouldn't choose.

This really doesn't seem too big an ask. Just bring a few books or some work or whatever and curl up on the sofa.

I agree, as I've said in a previous post I've just got used to going to mine now (DP does find it equally as boring tbf).

But for posters saying 'just don't go', if my DP refused to visit my parents I would find it rude so I'm going to continue to make the effort to go even though I don't enjoy it. As boring as they are I would like to keep some sort of relationship with them.

Maxiedog123 · 23/02/2022 11:13

Could you go and visit your parents the weekend he sees his parents.

forrestgreen · 23/02/2022 11:13

Or tie in visiting yours when he goes to his. That way you get more time together

RockstarDotCom · 23/02/2022 11:14

I just wouldn’t go if I didn’t want to.

If you do go, can you not go out and do things when you’re there and leave them all watching tv? Then sitting watching tv a few hours in the evening or whatever, would be ok.

Ionlydomassiveones · 23/02/2022 11:15

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Original poster
littlepieces · 23/02/2022 11:15

Also I take books but there's nowhere to read really apart from the bedroom. PIL think it's odd for a 35 yo woman to spend the afternoon 'in bed.'

OP posts:
bollocksthemess · 23/02/2022 11:15

I find my in-laws hard work too, they love to just sit. In silence. With sport on the telly. For hours.

They do it if they come to visit us too, so it’s not just if we go there. We actually left them to sit in our house the day after our wedding and drove off on our honeymoon, as they showed no signs of going home. We left at 1pm, I think they eventually left at 6pm.

My family are a bit annoying too, so it’s not just DH’s.

Luckily DH and I have similar thoughts on visiting, my family are 45 mins away so we keep a 2hr limit on visits. His family are 3+ hours away so we travel there and stay somewhere nice nearby with the dogs for a mini holiday, then take them out for lunch/dinner and they join us on one day out.
They come and stay with us once a year, but they stay in the pub round the corner (we pay) as we have two dogs and they have a dog that hates ours, and we keep it to two days two nights.
This may sound antisocial and a bit mean but having boundaries keeps the relationships civil, and means we all get on without resentment.

Puppyseahorse · 23/02/2022 11:15

God I would hate this. My DH is like this too, he enjoys just sitting around with his parents, they barely even talk about anything! I find it bizarre.

Get him to do the same for a weekend with your family and maybe he’ll realise why you’re not into it?

Brainwashed · 23/02/2022 11:16

I've been married over 30 years. My DH is currently visiting his parents. .this is the first time I've not gone with him and I wish we'd done it like this sooner. I used to worry what his parents thought of me but since I overhead MIL spouting vitriol about me I no longer care. Its been very liberating

crackofdoom · 23/02/2022 11:16

To those OPS who have suggested that you go for meals/ out for day trips while you are there- I tried this with my parents. The resistance was phenomenal. If I did succeed in getting them out of the house- If it was something I'd suggested- they would just wanted around with faces like slapped arses. (They'd go for all kinds of exciting days out when weren't there, just when the DC and I were there they seemed to consider spending all day sitting on the sofa with a half hour trip to the swings adequate entertainment for two lively, active kids 🙄).

Then, if I suggested me going somewhere on my own they would protest (because they needed me to be there to parent the kids), and if I suggested me and the kids going somewhere they would be highly offended, because they wanted to he with their GC (with me there working hard to mitigate their boredom caused by not going out).

Note that I refer to our visits in the past tense....😬

thecatsthecats · 23/02/2022 11:16

I could have written this to an extent.

My ILs made a big fuss of inviting us around for a special meal on our first wedding anniversary, which we declined as we'd made plans (and if it were going to be a whole family occasion should include my parents also). They rescheduled to the following weekend, and it ended up being a meal where they had the football on the obscenely large TV in their dining room during dinner.

So uncouth, and not remotely celebratory of our anniversary (not that I expected anyone else to care - but why invite us if it's not actually about that?).

RatherBeRiding · 23/02/2022 11:20

They're a generation who think couples should be joined at the hip and if you're not, something is wrong

But that's their problem, not yours. You are allowing it to become your problem and allowing your weekends to be ruined by 48 hours of staring at boring TV. Just don't go. Be honest, if you feel you can, and say you'd rather stay home and do your own thing and let your ILs and your DH deal with it!

The older I get the less I give a crap about other people's opinions and less bothered about trying to live up to their expectations. Its very liberating!

Original poster
littlepieces · 23/02/2022 11:21

A main issue is that DP can't seem to understand why it's not a rest for me.

OP posts:
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 23/02/2022 11:21

You need a dpet op. Great excuse to always stay home. Yanbu to want to spend your time your way.

Blossomtoes · 23/02/2022 11:21

They're a generation who think couples should be joined at the hip and if you're not, something is wrong

Nice bit of ageism! We’re that generation and have separate holidays!

irregularegular · 23/02/2022 11:22

If it's only once every few months and your DH wants you to be there, then I think maybe you should just go and make the best of it.

But try asking your DH if he minds if you don't come every time. If he's not bothered, then don't. That would also give you a chance to explain that it really isn't much fun for you and ask if you could spend some of the time there doing something else. At least turning the tv off and talking to each other! Or maybe getting out and visiting the local area etc. Could you suggest other things you could all do together? Or at worst, spend some time by yourself when you are there: take a book, some admin, go for a run/walk/cycle, or out for a coffee. You don't have to devote the whole weekend to doing nothing with them even if you go.

DepthOfTheAbyss · 23/02/2022 11:22

Get to know their local area. Find things to do with them or without that maybe take just a morning or afternoon.
I wouldn’t sit around watching something I didn’t want to. Say you’re having a rest and go and watch something on Netflix by yourself, catch up with friends or read a book or something.
Then it won’t feel like wasted time.