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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find visiting my inlaws such a waste of time

336 replies

littlepieces · 23/02/2022 10:47

I find going to my inlaws such a chore. DP always wants to go for the whole weekend when we go (Friday night to late Sunday night). He's really close with his family and their idea of spending time together is sitting on the sofa for three days watching football/F1/tennis or whatever sport is on. I just have to sit there going along with it, bored out of my mind, when I've got x100 other things I could be doing and would rather be doing. I'd also quite like a rest. His parents aren't the worst people, but not particularly enjoyable company either. MIL is hard work to talk to. She doesn't have any interests apart from TV, how great she is, and gossiping judgementally about her 'friends' and people she knows. I find it so draining, AIBU?

My parents live a couple of hours away but I'd never take DP to stay because everyone would get on top of each other and I appreciate DP wants to enjoy some of his weekend.

I know I only have to grin and bear this once every few months, but I really resent it and always come home feeling weirdly exhausted from doing nothing, and irritable with DP. Any advice on getting through these weekends better?

OP posts:
declutteringmymind · 23/02/2022 11:54

It seems like there are some set habits. Agree go as little as you can.

My ILs are like this. Boring.

I find myself leaving tiny jobs to do while I'm there. So, could you take a laptop/ tablet and go upstairs to do some life admin? I clear out my car, handbag, sew Cubs badges, slap olaplex in my hair, just make efficient use of my time so I don't feel it's absolutely wasted.

Sounds like shit tho.

ChargingBuck · 23/02/2022 11:56

@JaniieJones

'Inlaws hate going anywhere unless it's to their friend's houses. The whole family has a kind of eat to live mentality, they see food as fuel only and eat the same meals every day. They see eating out as a frivolous waste of money so that's never an option.'

You seem to have a very low opinion of them, I really hope you manage to hide it on these tiresome, tedious visits.

Can't you just be a nice person and tolerate their way of life for a weekend? pretend you are enjoying yourself for your dp's sake even if they are so very dull.

I notice you are totally unconcerned that the DP never accompanies OP on her visits to her parents, but are keen to berate OP for not enjoying the visits she bothers to make to his.

He gets a free pass for not going - but she gets scolded for being understandably bored & pissed off at being ignored on a sofa 2 days running?

What's with the double standard, @JaniieJones?

GrendelsGrandma · 23/02/2022 11:56

@JaniieJones

I would love to hear the poor pils side of this.

Maybe something like 'we love our ds but his dp is very snooty and hardwork. We don't go out much and are fairly boring, we just enjoy being together but she huffs and sulks and makes the whole weekend tense and awkward. How can we tell our son to please visit but leave her at home?'

Or similar Grin.

@JaniieJones Or more like,

We've given up on life and haven't had a conversation since 1987, we get past this by spending our waking hours watching men kick balls around while we eat sausages. For some reason our son's partner does not wish to take part in this time-filling activity and keeps looking out of the window longingly. Should we get blinds for the windows?

iolaus · 23/02/2022 11:56

BTW them asking where you are when you don't go doesn't automatically mean they want you to come with him - it's small talk

Original poster
littlepieces · 23/02/2022 11:57

@JaniieJones

I would love to hear the poor pils side of this.

Maybe something like 'we love our ds but his dp is very snooty and hardwork. We don't go out much and are fairly boring, we just enjoy being together but she huffs and sulks and makes the whole weekend tense and awkward. How can we tell our son to please visit but leave her at home?'

Or similar Grin.

Haha I'm not perfect by any means but I'm very upbeat and chatty and try very hard to get on with MIL and FIL and take an interest in their lives. I always take flowers or wine, or bake a cake, or bring something when we go and offer to do helpful things. I think they'd rather I just sat in silence with my eyes on the TV, so that's what I do now!
OP posts:
JenniferBarkley · 23/02/2022 11:57

@BearOfEasttown

Agree with *@ChargingBuck* *@JenniferBarkley* sounds like a handmaiden.
Hahaha, this has really tickled me. I've just name changed, if you'd ASed my previous username you'd see me raging all over the place about useless men not pulling their weight. I just don't think OP's being asked to do anything so terrible here.

Completely agree @GrendelsGrandma about the gendered expectations around family, caring, hosting etc. I'd be saying exactly the same if the sexes were reversed. And actually, I think if a female OP posted about her male partner not wanting to visit her family a few times a year because he found them boring then the male partner would be torn to shreds.

A boring weekend every few months isn't the end of the world.

Tigersonvaseline · 23/02/2022 12:01

.... given up on life And sit watching Ball sport eating sausages.

🤣🤣

Tigersonvaseline · 23/02/2022 12:02

In all honesty I bet they just don't want you there op!! Don't bloody go.

Thenose · 23/02/2022 12:02

Send him on his own. You're not an accessory.

bbtatoes · 23/02/2022 12:03

This sounds incredibly boring.

I wouldn't go.

Original poster
littlepieces · 23/02/2022 12:06

@GrendelsGrandma That has cracked me up Grin I will think of this next time I'm there.

OP posts:
Lunificent · 23/02/2022 12:07

A pet that needs you at home is a great idea (if you’d be up for that).
I think just continues as you are and go every so often. I wouldn’t worry and wonder too much about why they seem disinterested yet want the visit. They’re different to you and enjoying the fact he/you are there regardless of whether you’re all fully engaged with one another.

Octomore · 23/02/2022 12:08

their idea of spending time together is sitting on the sofa for three days watching football/F1/tennis or whatever sport is on. I just have to sit there going along with it, bored out of my mind

YANBU, I wouldn't be able to cope with more than half a day of this, at most.

I hate it when you visit people and they spend the day watching TV. I mean, if you rarely see each other then talk to each other, go for a walk, visit a local beauty spot.... anything other than just mindlessly watching TV while effectively ignoring your guests!

Original poster
littlepieces · 23/02/2022 12:09

Honestly, the sausage obsession is the only thing that keeps me entertained over these weekends!

OP posts:
Hillarious · 23/02/2022 12:11

@littlepieces

Inlaws hate going anywhere unless it's to their friend's houses. The whole family has a kind of eat to live mentality, they see food as fuel only and eat the same meals every day. They see eating out as a frivolous waste of money so that's never an option.

DP is there to spend time with his parents who he seems to just enjoy sitting with doing nothing. I dont want to drag him away if that's what he considers quality family time? In the summer we do sometimes get out for walks.

Golly - exactly how many houses does this friend have?
Octomore · 23/02/2022 12:11

They’re different to you and enjoying the fact he/you are there regardless of whether you’re all fully engaged with one another.

Fucking hell, people aren't props that you can expect to just sit there because you enjoy having them there! What about what the guests enjoy?

It is massively entitled of the hosts to think that only they get to choose how to spend the day. If you want people to visit you, you have to engage with them and make it enjoyable for them.

Puppyseahorse · 23/02/2022 12:11

Sounds like you just don’t like them and resent spending your time with people you don’t like.

I sympathise as I feel the same about my ILs. It’s not a ‘nice’ way to feel, but we are human.

I decided that the resentment/ irritation I felt towards my DH as a result of this was too big/ risky of a problem, so I now try to limit my time with them.

Life is too short to make yourself miserable!

wishtotravel · 23/02/2022 12:13

Personally I feel that you are being unreasonable given the fact that it's only 3/4 times a year and due to the fact that your partner appears to enjoy/ feel happy with the way things are. If he would like to change the routine and go out and do other stuff while there, then that's a different matter. To be honest going out all day on your own will seem like a snub and will cause tension between you and your pils.
However, that said, if you are the kind of person who feels that doing anything at all that you don't find 100% to your liking a waste of your life then either don't go, or change the weekend routine. This choice will impact on relationships but it doesn't mean it isn't worth it to you or that the change has to be necessarily bad in the long term.

Octomore · 23/02/2022 12:15

@wishtotravel

Personally I feel that you are being unreasonable given the fact that it's only 3/4 times a year and due to the fact that your partner appears to enjoy/ feel happy with the way things are. If he would like to change the routine and go out and do other stuff while there, then that's a different matter. To be honest going out all day on your own will seem like a snub and will cause tension between you and your pils. However, that said, if you are the kind of person who feels that doing anything at all that you don't find 100% to your liking a waste of your life then either don't go, or change the weekend routine. This choice will impact on relationships but it doesn't mean it isn't worth it to you or that the change has to be necessarily bad in the long term.
Her DP doesn't visit her parents because he wants to enjoy his weekends.

But you think she is unreasonable for not wanting to visit his parents?

Chonfox · 23/02/2022 12:16

What does your DP think of these weekends? Is he happy? what's he like at home with you on the weekend? I'd be worried that this could be your future if you have DC with this man... men often morph into their dad's on becoming fathers. So unless you fancy a future of football and colon cancer be wary!

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 23/02/2022 12:18

Wow wonder what % of your relationship has been wasted with these visits. Does it not alter your opinion on dh that he thinks this is an acceptable way to spend those hours /days?

BearOfEasttown · 23/02/2022 12:20

@JaniieJones is another handmaiden!

BearOfEasttown · 23/02/2022 12:20

As a few pps have said, the OP's partner CBA to visit HER family, so why should she be fucked with his?

Gladitsnearlysummer · 23/02/2022 12:21

Yanbu it sounds really boring. You are only human. I find it a bit boring seeing my in laws and can resent the time sometimes. Mine are ok but spend half the time criticising us and gossiping.

If you have someone coming to stay they could at least plan a few things.

ExactlyThis · 23/02/2022 12:22

My husband visits his family separately several times a year. We have one visit together.